Lonely President
 

Hi,
I wanted to know if there are any other girls out there who are/were the President of their chapter, and how they dealt with the stress of it all. Before I became President, I had such a fire for my sorority. I did anything my sisters needed me for, I would drop what I was doing in a moment to help a sister, and I was one of the biggest cheerleaders for my sorority. I became President of my chapter, and all of those old feelings have dwindled. Now, I feel that the majority of my sisters fit into one of two categories: 1) They put the blame for anything that happens on me and become frustrated when I do my job and enforce rules, or 2) they are new to my sisterhood, and therefore are somewhat intimidated by me because I am the President. I have tried to persevere and open up to at least these new sisters, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that they aren't completely comfortable around me. Don't get me wrong, I am a very silly person and light-hearted, and have tried to remain true to myself in that sense. It has just become harder and harder for me to even want to help sisters anymore, and I hate myself for feeling this way. Has anyone else ever experienced something like this? If so, do you think there's any way for me to fix this? The last thing I want is to leave my sorority (when I'm done with the presidency) feeling like I wasted my time, when I know I've had so many good experiences before I became President.

QFP. I have to come back to this one.

This is a legit concern, and I appreciate the relative anonymity with which you posted the concern. Keep it that way.

Do you have a supportive executive council? There were some rather rough times for our chapter while I was on exec (having to place loved members on probation, some financial woes, frustration in general with life), and I know I lost a bit of my fire for a while. I know my exec would have our own version of stitch and bitch when things got rough in the chapter. We all loved scrapbooking, so we got together and just ranted about life/chapter problems. It doesn't sound like it would help, but it did...getting concerns out in the open made them seem so silly.

Also...remember friends outside of the chapter. Sometimes you just need a weekend off from the concerns...go visit a friend at home or another college. See mom for the weekend, warn your alum advisor, and turn your phone off.

And the new members will be terrified of you...keep being nice, and eventually they'll warm up. All of my little's friends were still scared of me because I was VP Admin, up to a year later...they've gotten used to me now. It's natural to be afraid of the older person with authority.

People get burned out. Just remember: you have other things in life. This small rough time does not ruin the good memories you have, nor should it ruin your chance at a lifetime of memories and membership in your sorority.

an incident happened when i was vp1 of my chapter and the president wasn't around to make the decision that had to be made pretty much in a split second, and i was next in the chain of command. while i made the right decision morally, it was an unpopular decision with the majority of the chapter and they made me suffer for it, so i know how you feel.

i think that a lot of chapter members have no clue how much responsibility being an executive officer entails, and certainly the heaviest burden is on the president. i think that bevin had a great suggestion about holding bitch sessions with your exec. officers or getting together with non-sorority friends away from the house. of course, you can't discuss sorority business with them, but you can blow off some steam. sometimes a little mental vacation does a world of good. go for a long run or hit the gym. you can also speak to your advisors-they are there for you, and may have experienced something similar in their collegiate years.

bevinpiphi: There are a few members of my Exec Council that are causing a lot of the problems/placing blame on me for doing my job. They are girls that I no longer feel I can really open up to. There is one Exec member who I've had issues with in the past, and had a very public argument recently. She is the kind of girl who will "rally the troops," and in a way, kind of black-list me. It sounds more dramatic than it is, I just can't think of a better way to put it.
And as far as taking my time away, that is all I have been doing over summer, just trying to recover from this past semester. My phone stays on silent so I can check it on my own terms, and I talk to the select few girls who understand what I'm going through, and have remained my sole support through the semester. I just dread returning to the sorority in the Fall because of the drama and issues I know will arise once school starts again.

FSU: For confidentiality reason, I can't explain what I am about to say, but my sorority has no advisers. We have a general Greek adviser, but she is caught up with.... other groups. I am the highest there is in the sorority, and among alumnae as well.

have you thought about resigning your office? would that be possible or be something you would consider?

Honestly, no, that isn't something I would ever do. As much as I stress and worry, I am just holding on for those few girls, because otherwise the sorority would be over-run by the girls who cause problems, and I only see my org going down in flames. I've also had too many good times with my sisters in the past to really believe it can be as bad as I feel, but I have yet to be proven otherwise, which is why I'm posting.

i am so sorry that you are having to go thru this. how stressful!

If you are a member of a national organization, there are regional advisors, CDC's or travelling consultants who are available for consultation. If there is a neighboring chapter with a full advisory board, perhaps you can consult with one or more of them. Collegians sometimes hesitate to involve these resources, but that is what they are for and they have usually heard and experienced a lot and have a lot of wisdom (or at least good stories) to share.

Executive council is a stressful experience sometimes, no getting around it. I was a chapter advisor for a few years, and saw how difficult their role is (much more difficult than when I was an active.) I am sorry you are having a rough time, and hope the new year and a new member group will help you. Reach out to the new members and the younger, drama-free group. There are probably a lot more members who are sick of the drama than you know about. Drama people are loud and noticable. People who don't approve, often keep silent. Don't worry if the younger members seem to 'look up to you" or take you seriously. That can be a good thing!

Katmandu: Thank you for the great advice, but I unfortunately have none of those resources at my disposal. I have definitely gone to as many people as I can about this, but at this point, I am honestly just looking for any kind of encouragement or hope to prepare myself for this upcoming semester. You have provided some of that for me, so thank you. I appreciate your input and words of support, because God knows, I haven't heard many of them recently.

Ms. President,

I was just browsing through the threads and saw this. Be strong and stay strong. Your efforts will not be wasted.

It's not a popularity contest...if you want to do the right things.

Good luck.

Ms. President:

I just finished a year as chapter president and I feel your pain. It is very difficult.

A few things I learned:

1. Keep your friends, family outside of the Sorority as venting posts (as much as you are allowed to) and hang out with non-Greek friends. It is a welcome break.

2. Talk to the other Presidents on the campus. They will likely have the same issues.

3. It DOES get better. Everyone blames you when any little thing goes wrong, but stay firm and fair. It happens to nearly everyone in the office, but after they get used to your style of leadership, they will adjust.

4. Invite your closest friends in the chapter out for lunch/dinner/drinks as normal. They might be intimidated or they may worry you are just too busy. Reach out to them.

5. Admit when you DO make a mistake. It calms people to hear you admit and apologize and they will know you admit your mistakes, making them respect you far more.

I was in the same boat as you. I also felt like turning in my badge at times. Keep going! You'll do great.

This is so true. I was scared to DEATH of the girl who was prez when I pledged. It's only in the last couple years reconnecting with her through facebook that I've been able to see what a funny, fun and cool person she is.

MsP: I don't know if you mean you "don't have those resources" because you're in a local or because you're in a national full of a bunch of slacker-asses. (Don't answer that. ;) ) If it's the former, try talking to some of the more recent alums, especially the girls who were president or had EC offices. Trust me, they want to know what's going on and they will help you. If it's the latter, try reaching out to some of the chapter presidents from other chapters. Sometimes it just helps to vent and know you're not alone.

AOE's suggestion about talking to other presidents on campus is great as well.

Just reading your posts brought back some emotions and I was chapter president twenty years ago! There are a few situations that still sting to this day.

A few thoughts based on my own experiences...

Absolutely have a friend or two outside of the chapter (and preferably away from campus) that will be a safe place to completely dump. You really do need the ability to get it all out with someone safe who will listen and support you.

Do everything by the book. I had to make a couple of very unpopular decisions, one of which cost me dearly. But we did everything by the bylaws and no one could have ever accused me of playing favorites or not doing things correctly. The bylaws, Roberts Rules of Order, etc. are your friend and cover.

I mentioned on another post on GC that being in leadership really does change your sorority experience. Once you take an executive position (especially president) it just isn't the same. It doesn't make it bad, but it definitely makes it different. Only someone who has gone through it can understand. When you are fully aware of all the problems, issues, etc. it is much harder to just enjoy your membership. Being president is a supreme act of service to your sisters. And one that won't be fully appreciated by them or you until much later.

I agree with the advice to try to hang out and do "normal" things with the sisters. It is sometimes hard to fit it in when there are so many other responsibilities taking your time. But making sure everyone knows you are also wanting to be a sister and not just the president is important.

I don't know if you are a person of faith, but I prayed. A lot. And I had a lot of people praying for me in my church and amongst my sisters.

Feel free to come and chat with us here. Even though we aren't there in person, I for one would be glad to be a sounding board on GC. :)

Disclaimer, I'm not a girl, but I don't think that changes much about my experience as chapter president.

I was where you were a year ago - it sucks. A lot. I think the worst thing someone can leave out of officer transition retreats is how things change. Your relationships with other members of the chapter changes, your outlook on chapter operations changes, and your position on major chapter decisions changes too.

Strive for congruence in decision making, make sure that your choices are in the best interest of your chapter (and not your own) and follow the rules so you have ground to stand on in opposition.

Reach out to other Greeks. Some of the closest interfraternal friendships I've made have come from the year I was president. I found myself wanting to talk about my Greek experience with people outside my chapter who would understand where I was coming from. These friends can be a great sounding board for new ideas and keep things positive.

A good thing to remember is to avoid the downward spiral conversation - you know, when you talk and talk about things that are going wrong and don't get anywhere. Instead try to take the negatives that come out in conversation and turn them into a solution for the issue. Semi related: give yourself an minute of self pity and then get over it - I think it can be productive to take a "woe is me" moment if you can move on quickly. "Superman" by Five for Fighting was (and still is) my whiny "I'm so misunderstood" song. Again, don't forget that you need to move on quickly.

You've mentioned other members of the chapter you are still close with - this is good, and they can be a great sounding board too, but be careful. You want to try to be available to everyone in the chapter and having your "inner circle" can create an us against them mentality. (I'm not saying you've done this, just that you should be conscious of it.)

Finally, don't forget that your organization is bigger than just your chapter (I think, you haven't mentioned...). It can be really comforting to remember that there is life in your organization beyond your college years and college drama. I grew to appreciate my international organization so much more when I felt a little isolated from my chapter

Good luck!

(Also, I'm not going to presume your faith life, but like TriDeltaSallie I found that to be very helpful - if you're into that.)

I've been there- still am there, in some ways. If you want to talk it out and vent (without judgement, cause I for shiz get it) PM me.

I started this thread a few months ago- I got some really great advice. Hopefully, it will help you too. :) Link

After reading this I had a chat with my President to tell him how much I appreciated everything he does for our chapter.

Honestly, if I were you, I would just copy and paste this post and send it to your chapter.

On the other side of the train-tracks, it's easy to forget how much your President does for you, and it's easy to get mad when he/she makes a decision you disagree with. Letting your chapter know how hard it is for you to make these decisions, and how alienated you feel by them, will help humanize you to the new members and remind the older members why they elected you.

Also, try and take some time to find out why these people seem to be turning against you. You might find out that they have some legitimacy in their disgruntlement. I remember when I was Recruitment Chairman, it took one of my committee members getting pissed off for me to realize how much of an ass I was being.

My favorite trick of all: Voting. Even when the decision seems to be cut-and-dry have a vote on it. Either ask your EC or your entire chapter to make a decision that you would normally make on your own. You will establish what I like to call "chapter buy-in".

I remember when our Philanthropy Chairman was charged with trying to double the number of Service hours our chapter did each semester. He opened up a committee meeting, and he asked the chapter to decide on what they should do. The chapter decided to start requiring each member to complete a specific number of hours each semester. It was what he would have probably done if he came to the decision by himself, but because the whole chapter got to help make the decision, it was much easier to swallow.

Although I'm in a fraternity, I was VP of my chapter last year and can definitely understand how you feel (alienation, loss of passion for your chapter, etc.)

What helped me was my friendships with non-brothers and always having someone I could talk to. Try speaking to older members or alumni that held positions of leadership in the past- they will sympathize with you the most and offer great advice.

The main thing that would always help me was when I thought back to what made me passionate about my organization in the first place. Think about your fondest memories, your ritual and creed, what makes XYZ the best place for you, and so on.

I know it's tough, and it may not be the answer you want to feel, but I think it won't get any better until you're no longer president. Such was the case for me and it took me a few months after my term of office to re-assimilate into my chapter.

Until then, whenever you're having a hard time, think back to what made you run for president in the first place and why you love your sorority.

Wow, ya'll have brought me near to tears. Thank you so much for your support; this is something that I have really been struggling with internally for quite some time now. I didn't realize that feelings like mine are (somewhat) common when in a position of leadership. Also, sorry for the gender discrimination! Right after I posted this, I thought to myself that maybe I should changes "girls" to "GCers" but then got lazy. Lol!

sanjiyan69 and AOEforme: Thank you for the support and advice. I definitely will try to put the effort out there now to make outings with different sisters normal in my life, because really, isn't that what sisterhood is about? It's just hard to remember sometimes.

33girl: I do reach out to recent alum, but unfortunately, the previous President checked out the second she went alum. She won't even answer my phone calls, so I end up reaching out to other alum, but even then, some of those sisters can't take themselves out of a situation and look at something unbiased. (This specifically just recently happened... of course).

TriDeltaSallie: "Do everything by the book." This is something one of my org's WAY back Presidents told me, and I have been living by it. I even told my org and EC that that is how my year in office would go, and everyone was just fine with it, until it meant me ruling against something they wanted. And I will DEFINITELY be on GC a lot more, as I now see that ya'll really can provide a great support system. Honestly, I'm overwhelmed by the responses I've received.

Gusteau: Hearing you mention a "Officer Transition Retreat" makes me realize how much emphasis other orgs put on officers being prepared for their job. As I mentioned earlier, the President before me checked out once she went alum, and that meant the only help with the transition I received was her giving me a binder with a ton of unorganized papers and forms. I had never felt so unprepared for anything.

SmileAWhile: I will definitely be PMing you later on, when I'm more awake. Lol.

ScarletBlueGold: Haha, voting has become something I have relied on. I agree, it is definitely a way to get members to have a part in the decision-making, while still being able to make the right choice. I'm with you on that!

JohnnyCash: Thank you for reminding me that I have to focus on the good. It is a mentality that I have been trying to employ for a while, but I can't get it to stick sometimes. Hearing this from other people (and reading the Stories of Sisterhood thread {although I kind of doubt you've read it}) has really helped me remember that I DO love my sorority, and that I had always wanted to be the President of my sorority because I knew how much I love my sisters, and that would allow me to make good decisions for them. And I believe that it probably won't change until I'm no longer President, but now I feel a little more confident to try to change that.

I'd ask for help from the president before her then. Checking out is a survival skill that seniors use to deal with loss and separation. It takes 3-5 years sometimes for this to be overcome. Don't take it personally.