Would you get married quickly if you had no doubts?
 

Background: I am one of 3 cousins who are close in age and the family often takes bets on which of us will be the first down the aisle. This is clearly one of those games they play when there's nothing to do because the answer is always the same. They say it's me because, even though the other two have had more relationships than I have, the fam believes I'm the type who will get married very quickly (e.g., less than a year) once I'm sure my guy is "The One" whereas the other two would weigh their doubts a million times before making the commitment.

I used to agree with that--once I was sure I wanted to marry a guy, why wait? If he proposes after 6 months and I'm dead sure, then why not? But tonight, I was thinking. I've seen couples together for years and they often seem to have a level of comfort and familiarity that comes with being with someone long-term without adding the pressure of taking the next step. If I got married quickly, even if I was given a guarantee it would work out, I'd feel so cheated out of that. So what say you, GC: If you were both absolutely certain you wanted to be together forever (and were in a financial/situational place to do so), are you the type to push for marriage or do you prefer the low-pressure long-term?

maybe in the beginning i would have. but now, i've been with my bf for nearly 4 years and we're not in a rush. it's kinda relaxing to just chill and observe everyone around us who've dated for less than us get married.

I think I would. DH and I were together three and a half years before we took the plunge, but I was in graduate school and it took him a long time to find a decent job. We sometimes wish we'd gotten married sooner and had more kids, etc.

Probably not, because I'm the type of person that doubts all the time, even if everything is going right.

Only for Lenny Kravitz.

Everyone else has to wait a while.

I did. Now going on year 7 of marriage.

But I always tell people don't follow our lead. You have to truly be rooted and grounded in each other for it to work because we had our rough patches.

I think the problem is that for most people, you just don't know enough about them after that short a period of time to have "no doubts." People can hide all of their quirks, bad habits, family secrets for that period of time. Hell, I dated my husband for two years, but I was married for 6 months before I met his family and found out that I had married into the freaks that used to live down the street from me when I was little!

I guess I've seen the bad side of marriages that started after people that dated only 6 months. My mom had no idea that my dad had a temper until they'd been married. My sister's husband drives her nuts, but when they were dating, he was prince charming with no bad habits.

Marriage is a long term commitment. I'm glad I took it slow. I knew that my husband and I were in it for the long haul from the very beginning, but there were so many things that almost derailed that. I had to decide if any of those issues were deal breakers, and that's important to know before the legal bonds are made. Just my two cents.

Live-in and I have been together for 4 years, and we're definitely in that comfortable and familiar place. I joke about not winning at life but we'll get there eventually and don't see the point in rushing.

We're enjoying our "alone time" together right now because except for his mom (and you guys all know she's crazy) no one is pressuring us to have kids or do anything. I see him as my life partner, there's no need to change that at this point in time. It could change tomorrow, but either way is fine with me.

My husband and I got married after a little more than a year together. Granted, there was a baby involved, but the baby wouldn't have been involved if I hadn't known that he was "the one". We're going on year 6 of marriage, and of course there are rough patches, but I feel like we were never in that "dating have to hide things so the other person will like me" stage. There wasn't much I found out in the way of annoying habits/crazy family stuff that I hadn't known by month 3 we were together.

I met my husband in February 2009, we got engaged in December 2009 and were married January 17, 2010.

When you know, you know :)

Yes. I believe in true love at first sight though, so I don't think that if you speant the evening talking, and wanted to get married then, that it would be too soon.

I'd be more likely to rush a marriage decision if I was "sure" ONLY if there was some reason marriage was needed like benefits or something.

Even if I'm sure I'm not really in a hurry to get married otherwise. (Obviously my equally "sure" partner's opinions on the matter would be important.)

Yes. (Says the daughter of the parents who dated on & off for 12 years before finally marrying.)

I'm betting there are people out there who would have been much better served by getting married more quickly than they did - but they were worrying more about the wedding than the marriage.

I first met my now-husband in sixth grade, starting dating freshman year of college, got "semi-engaged" a year later, "for-real engaged" about a year after that, and then married five years after we started dating. Now, two & a half years after we got married, we are still getting used to living together and constantly finding out new things about each other - because people are complicated and that's what makes everybody interesting :) So personally, I'm a big proponent of pacing in relationships, just taking things one step at a time, but you gotta do what works for you.

While totally true, the question wasn't about how soon is too soon to know someone. :) It was more of a magical question: If you knew all the important stuff and had a guarantee this was the right person to marry, would you go ahead and do it? Or do you have the kind of personality that would just hold off because it's a comfortable stage to be in and you wouldn't feel like pushing forward? I meant it more like that.

I see dating (in my limited scope of it) to be like this: The initial getting-to-know-you phase where you're constantly weeding through info for the important stuff, determining compatability. That takes lots of adjusting and compromise. You make the decision to "be together" which takes more adjusting and compromising. Moving in/engaged/married--same thing. That may be one of the reasons many marriages fail within the first couple years IMO. If you're constantly "moving" in the relationship, you're not used to just being in one stage with each other for a long time--and that's pretty much what marriage is so if you haven't "practiced" it you're less likely to succeed doing it. You have to know how to move forward with each other but learning to just hold still with each other is pretty important, too.

Obviously, that's not true of all people whose relationships progress quickly, but that's one aspect I notice. I always thought I was one who'd "just know" and then go for it but maybe that's not me. Because, a couple years ago, what dreamseeker and agzg described would have sounded pointless and avoidant to me. Right now, it sounds pretty fantastic. :cool:

it is fantastic. :D

Yes. I would marry my fiance tomorrow if I could, but unfortunately we're not in that position to do so financially.

But then again, we've been together three years, so that's not exactly getting married quickly lol

My parents were a get married quick couple. It's not that they felt rushed or anything, they just knew. They dated for three months when they got engaged. They married 9 months later. They will be married for 25 years in September!

No. I don't believe in "quick fixes."

No...never. No need to rush anything

This.

My parents both knew that they wanted to marry the other the night they met, but "forces" kept them apart for another year. When they saw each other the second time, they started planning for a life together. They were married 55 years when my daddy died.

I've always felt very, very fortunate that my parents loved each other so completely. Yes, they argued, yes, they thought about separating. But even the worst times were better than some of the best times I've seen in other peoples' parents. I want that!

I don't think you can truly know someone and know they are right for you in six months. I think it takes at least a year and probably up to two years to really see who they are in all kinds of situations. That said, I think some people end up being lucky when they marry quickly and really do find the person they were meant to be with for the long haul. But that has more to do with luck than really knowing the person through and through and they grow into a great relationship through marriage.

My husband and I went ahead and did it (sort of). We got engaged less than a year after we started dating. We moved in together a few months later. We didn't actually exchange rings / exchange vows / break the glass / have the big party until two years after we moved in together (much to my uber-Catholic father's chagrin) but that was because we wanted to get through grad school and have enough money to pay for the wedding we wanted.

When you meet Mr. or Ms. Right, you just... know. If you both have that "I just know" feeling - why wait?

I'm the type of person that always hesitates with big decisions.

I've been in my current relationship for two years now, but I'm in absolutely no hurry (but that may also be because I"m so young).

I really don't think one can make generalizations like this. Everyone's situations are different. When my sister married her husband. they'd known each other for 10 months -- they'd been engaged for 5 of those months. Thirty-three years, three kids and three grandkids later, they're going strong. I don't think luck has had much to do with it at all. It's been love (both romantic, fall-in-love kind and the decide to love kind) and commitment.

Everyone's different. When you know it's right, you know it's right.

We met in January, were engaged in September, and married the following July. We will be married 10 years in July, and are still very, very much in love. :D

I never thought it would be so easy but ...

I remember seeing him and telling my friend I could marry that man. Cut to a year and a half later of being together and the only thing that stops us is we are still in school.

I agree 100% and with zero exceptions. I think it's a combination of lucky (and basic probability) and God's grace.

"Me and yo mama knew each other for 5 weeks when we got married. We've had some rough times and played with fire, but through luck and the grace of God, we made it."

That was close to at least a year. :)

Getting engaged isn't the end-all because engagements can be broken and often are because people learn things after the "dating grace period" has ended. It's the quick marriage vows in less than a year that I don't agree with unless we're talking about the norm 50+ years ago (then people under the age of 18 should also be getting married more than they are now).

That's cute. :) I don't give a darn what other people do with their lives until it impacts mine. But, I believe that something that is "right" right now will also be "right" if you wait a little longer to "cross the teeeees" and "dot the iiiiiiiiiiis."

Michael McDonald said it best in "I Knew You Were Waiting for Me." :p

That's true. But just because you would wait longer doesn't mean others are obliged to. ;)

My thing is that the OP's question is one without a single right answer, and it's kinda stupid to think otherwise. Everyone's mileage will vary. The corrollary of not caring what other people do until it has an impact on me is not caring what other people think about what I'm doing if I'm doing what works for me and my significant other.

........

You're absolutely right. It's totally based on the individual couple. While I would be disarmed by my 18 year old cousin getting married to someone he knew after 6 months, my 36 year old sister getting married after less than a year of knowing someone is less bothersome. As you get older and know what you want out of life, it's easier to make that decision after less time.

So, it isn't so simple as "it's their business" and "when you know, you know?"

Whowouldathunkit?! :p

OMG...how do we know when someone knows what they want out of life and when they are old enough? :eek: Do we rebuke opinions until the opinion gods say so? :eek:

Why am I hearing some TV evangelist saying "Opinion of Evil, I rebuke thee!"?

Ummm no. I know many a 36 year old that still doesn't know anything about themselves or life, get into quick marriages because the biological clock is ticking. From my POV no matter the age, if I believed in it no matter whaat age I would not have worries. If I don't, I still wouldn't have a different opinion based on age.

I know 55 year olds who have no clue about life, but what's your point?

I would still trust the average 36 year old to have more of a clue about what they wanted than an 18 year old.

Why? What has the average 36 year old shown you to come to that conclusion?

I only make this statement because you are basing it on family members, which is fine, because you know your family more than we do, but to say that as you get older you know more of what you want in life I have to challenge that.

I would say you should, but I haven't seen definitive proof of that one way or the other.

The older idiots that you know are the exception rather than the rule.

The general rule of life is that "with age comes wisdom/maturity/experience." That is not to be confused with "with age comes perfection" or "with age comes absolute certainty on everything."

If not for this rule of life, we would let children do whatever the hell they please and children would be able to challenge adult knowledge, wisdom, and experience on everything.

Well, BluPhire has a good point.

If the 36 year old you're talking about looks longingly at every baby she sees and marries the first guy that asks her - even though none of her friends understand what she sees in him - that means the clock's a-ticking and that's the only reason she's getting married, and it's the WRONG reason. Babies should come about because two people love each other, not because they're an item on the checklist of life that you fear you have forgotten.

I'm not in love right now, and while I do have one of those "ticking clocks" I can't think of anything more repugnant than if I would wake up tomorrow pregnant. Other women in my position are running around trying to get fertilized by someone, anyone, under the sun, even if they'd be raising the baby alone. They're thinking of themselves, not the life they're creating.

Everyone knows "exceptions" to this rule, the baby-hungry 40-year old or the exceptionally mature teenager, but remember, they are the exceptions and not the rule. Generally, I'd STILL trust someone in their 30s to make a better decision about marriage than someone just out of high school. :)

We can get bogged down in the "exceptions," but that doesn't really help anyone.

But isn't this entire thread filled with posts full of exceptions?

I guess I was making my point because we all have opinions.

I mean one example was pointed at that getting married quickly involves luck...yet the generation beforehand it was the norm..and for every horror story that is just now coming out, there are 5 that it worked for.

So again...