Boyfriend Question (please help)
 

Hello all,
I'm a GC regular but I don't want to address this problem on my regular username since there is too much info attached with this. But I need help, this is getting pretty bad. It is pretty long though:

Around Valentine’s Day, I had a meeting with a fraternity for planning a mixer. 2 of their reps and 3 of ours went to a meeting at Starbucks (note a public place, because I know bf is a little wary of me and guys). BF called me twice, I didn't hear my phone was on silent, but I told him I’d call after we finished because we had plans. Once the meeting was over I looked at my phone and told one of my girls "guess who called?" and I guess I had talked about my bf enough to the guy to where they knew his name and HE was like "oh, bob?" and I was like yeah, he's probably worried, he gets a little nervous when I’m around guys in fraternities, because he was in one and he's worried that they are like him. 5 seconds later I feel someone hit me on the back of the head with something. I thought it was one of my friends (I have a friend that I do things like this to regularly ranging from a gentle nudge to a tackle) and turn to see him there..... longer story short he threw iced tea on me in the parking lot afterward because I was being taken home by a sister instead of him... and then he got into my room (without me there) and started taking my stuff as "compensation" (think my TV, my laptop, my expensive straighter...)

We worked things out through counseling, and he was working through anger issues. It’s been rough but I put up with it.

Flash forward to the last 48 hours: I get a text from a guy friend (who works nights & early morning, sleeps during day) that he got off early and is actually going to get sleep. I only talk to this guy randomly and he knows about "bob". I was already asleep so I didn't see it till morning. When I got on Face book I saw that he made a note @ 3am and I commented that "so much for that sleep...", bf saw this and confronted me on how I knew this guy, why I was talking to him, why I knew when he was sleeping etc. He called me "loose" (not in the sexual way :rolleyes:) blah blah blah. I was mad but I tried to move on. I was going to write on his wall and I saw that he made his status about this one guy and his note. I got annoyed, pissed off and frustrated, I told him to talk it down (no one you know knows him, its childish etc) to which he replied no. I left at that and didn't want to talk to him/him to keep wall stalking me so I blocked him on facebook. It's about 11, I go to sleep. I wake up at 2:15 to a missed call.... actually 35 missed calls from 11:30 to right then. I text him to g-talk and he says he's on the road..... to my house. 300+ miles away (we're apart for summer break). I tell him to stop, and turn around and that I won't see him. We talk and I annoyingly appease him to keep him from my house ('yeah, I love you' not a lie)

I've been so brain numbed by him I can't think about just myself. I've been with him for 2+ years. I'm a pretty strong, confidant woman, but I'm always worried about hurting his feelings. He says I MAKE him insecure, that I don't need to talk to soo many guys etc. I've never cheated on him and never gave him reason to think I was. I was always completely honest with him. This is still where it got me.

Do you guys think I should call it quits?

Yes. It should have been over when he threw tea on you.

I'd get a restraining order too...he sounds a bit unsteady.

This sounds like a relationship I never want to be in. If I were you, then yes, I would def call quits.

Yes. Do it now. Maybe, in having the whole summer to cool off, he will be less crazy when you all have to go back to school.

You should also immediately talk to your parents about this situation and tell them everything. It sounds like you are going to need some help breaking it off with this guy for keeps, and your parents are going to be your backbone here.

I agree with WhiteDaisy; after the tea, it should have been done. That is gateway behavior to a whole lot of trouble, in my opinion, and he definitely seems to be escalating. A restraining order might be necessary.

I agree with the above posters. Break it off now. Consider a restraining order.

Although it's been said above, it bears repeating: YES. Please break it off and like Little32 said, include your parents right away. His behavior sounds frightening and seems to be escalating.

I would really encourage you to make as clean of a break as possible, as well. For example, after you break up with him, you should should cut off all ties (defriend him on facebook and block him on gchat, for example). I would consider changing my cell phone number, too, if I were you. It sounds drastic but it might help give you a sense of control again; it's not ok that he calls and texts you constantly.

YES! And knowing me, he would have needed the restraining order after the tea incident. Don't ever touch me, with anything, in a violent manner. He's a punk.

Clearly this isn't working out.

You deserve better. He has issues and needs to seek help. I agree with the restraining order, and I'd get all of my locks re-keyed.

Yep. See #s 1-4 above.

This always bothers me. None of us has the power to make anyone feel insecure. He's insecure all on his own and is trying to gain security by exerting his power over you. If you call it quits (and especially if you tell him why you're calling it quits), he'll then say you're trying to make him feel guilty. Don't buy that crap. Again, we can't make anyone feel something. If he's feeling guilty, it's all his doing.

Agree with all of the advice as well.

I never would have admitted it at the time, but the guy I dated in high school was controlling and somewhat (verbally) abusive. I only really realized this once I got to college...we broke up right before school stated and it kind of allowed me to take a step back and look at the relationship. Anyways, we kept talking during freshmen year and he still tried to control me (told me not to hang out with people, etc). He also admitted that he made a mistake in breaking up with me before college, and wanted to get back together. By this time I knew I didn't, but I didn't have the courage to tell him no. I was afraid of hurting his feelings. BIG MISTAKE. It just kept going on and on until finally I told him I had moved on (and actually wanted to be with someone else), and he flipped out out at me, screamed at me (over the phone, since we were at our separate schools), called me a whore, bitch, liar, etc. Things eventually cooled down (months later) and he apologized for the way he acted about everything.

The moral of my story is don't let pity be the reason that you're not doing something about this. It sounds like you're in a bad relationship and right now the person you have to be thinking about is you. I very much agree with Little's advice too--get the support of your parents. I know that's probably going to be really hard. I know I would have had an incredibly hard time going to my parents for help, but looking back I probably should have. They would have helped put an end to all that nonsense a LOT quicker than I did myself.

Good luck

what they said.

Run. NOW. Please.

and read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker.

PM me if you have questions.

Get out of that relationship as fast as you can. He sounds like a loose cannon.

Thank you guys for not making light of this situation, and handling it with care. My parents don't like him (reason that has nothing to do with what I've listed here, and one that he absolutely can't change), so they want me to break it off anyways. I'm going away next month and I think that will be good relief for me. I tried to tell him over video chat what I planned on doing and he used manipulative language to try to win me back (a spent three years on my life on you... etc). He also said I should break up with him in person. I said that if I saw him I would call the cops and get a restraining order. He said I need to cool off and then we’ll talk again. At this point I’ve blocked his phone # for calls, Skype and Facebook. The only way he can talk to me is g-talk and that will be blacked too after we discuss everything again. I’m debating calling my phone co., and asking them if they can block his texts. I’m also thinking of getting my youth pastor involved. He was involved last time, and has ministered to both of us for some time (so it won't be completely one sided). He’s also trained/experienced in counseling, and was actually pushing me towards breaking up with “Bob.” I live in an on campus apartment and its crazy how he got in (part of it was my roommates not knowing what happened before and letting him in because they knew who he was). He doesn't know where I'm living this summer or fall, and I think it’s working to my advantage right now. I already feel a bit safer and happier, although I don’t want to “count my chickens before they hatch” so-to-speak.

Thanks y'all :D

Ironically thats what my campus minister said too. He said that he would think cloudedly and be unpredictable but he wouldn't hurt anyone, his logic and train of thought ("Bob's") wouldn't make sense

I'm glad your sockpuppet got an answer to your question. Good luck.

This sounds exactly like my first boyfriend, though he wasn't as physically violent. He guilted me into staying with him, told me "you're the only good thing in my life" and basically dragged it out for an additional 5 months that made me borderline suicidal. Pledging was the only thing that saved me. I also had to send him a Dear John letter, just because when I talked to him on the phone or in person I couldn't get out what I needed to say.

Completely block all contact with him. He is dangerous.

Like everyone else said. Get out. You had several warning signs. I've tried to hold onto relationships even though that the person wasn't good for me in any way. At some point you just have to say "screw it" and make a turn for the best.

Good luck. :)

Please, please, get out!

Don't count on this analysis of him NOT to hurt anyone. He's not necessarily violent, but he could be and it's a chance you shouldn't take.

I think that you already know what to do, you are just looking for validation. I think your feelings are completely valid.

Sometimes, women aren't strong enough to get out, because they love the person, they've given them so much time (years), etc. Get out while you're able to do so, and before the aggression escalates. Take legal action if you have to. Keep your good friends/sisters close - at least during the cooling off period, as he seems very impulsive.

Good luck!!!!

Since everybody has given you the advice, I just want to comment on this. Don't think your parents didn't have an inkling of the type of character he is. They may not know (have evidence like you have) but parents are able to pick up on a good guy and a jerk.

That was a huge red flag in my book too. Its amazing how parents "just know" with things like this.

It reminds me of how I'm the only guy my girl has ever brought home to her parents/family. I'm extremely picky on who I bring around my family as well though.

These possessive behaviors are very scary. Make sure when you get back to school that everyone around you knows to keep this guy away from you. Keep your doors locked, and don't be afraid to report him to the police if he ever attempts to contact you. I think that women frequently don't take these situations seriously and end up in more trouble than they can handle. Recent events like the Yeardley Love case are tragic reminders that people you think you know can do things in the heat of the moment that you would never expect them to do. Stay safe and be smart.

Good for you. You made the right decision, I bet if you stayed, in a few years he would be super abusive and no one deserves that.

Ironically he doesn't believe that I am being serious. He thinks I'm being rash. I'm giving it one day to settle in, and I'm supposed to G-Talk him tomorrow to make sure he gets it. If he doesn't at that point, too bad. :rolleyes:

Thanks again y'all :D

Keep it short sweet and to the point.

Also I would put his history of being violent out there in the light during the conversation so he doesn't even get it confused in his mind that it is someone else in the relationship. You will not be a victim.

your entire post could have been written by me 10 years ago. CRAZY PSYCHO... when I did finally break up with him (after 2 years of borderline physical abuse and a lot of mental and emotional abuse), he barged his way into my house (I wasnt there, but one of my roomates was), went through all my crap, and DOUSED my bed with his cologne. Yeah, once my roomate realized what was going on, she called me. he was gone by the time i got there, but i called him and told him if he ever showed up at my house again, i would call the cops (he already had a bad rep with the town cops, even though he was a "jock stud" on campus).

getting out of that relationship was the best thing for me. you getting out of yours will be the best thing for you, too. it's not easy now, but it will get easier.

dont answer his phone calls, emails or texts. if you have to, call your cell provider and ask them to block his numbers. block his email address.

DO NOT TALK TO HIM IN PERSON. I think this is a really bad idea. even in a public place, because he obviously doesn't respect you at all. He doesnt deserve the chace to talk to you in private. You will never change him, he will never change for you, and you should NEVER have to change for him. Get out, and don't look back.

If he's been violent with you and stalked you in the past, those aren't good signs. Look into the laws regarding restraining orders in your state. You'd likely qualify in mine. Nothing says "stay the eff away" like a restraining order served by a sheriff.

Out, out, OUT!

Good advice about not talking to him as well, even in public. He will read it as thinking you are hesitant, changing your mind, don't mean what you say, want to get back together and it's okay to be in touch with you etc.

I also agree with telling EVERYONE you know that he is no longer in your life and not to be informed about you at all. It may suck having to tell people why, but it's way better than a mutual friend or acquaintance giving him personal information on you because he's spun them a sob story about your breakup. Better you protect yourself and your safety by telling people the situation. Make sure everyone knows your fears and is aware he is no longer in your life.

Do you recommend I get an order (it called something else in my state IDK what) in my home city/county or the one I go to college in (where he's at), or does it matter?

This really will suck. Esp. since he told some people that he bought an engagement ring for me (i found out by accident and my fingers are tiny, so its a custom size...) Oh well, I told him not to tell anyone because anything can happen between then and when he actually proposes... I guess I was right.
None of my friends are particularly fond of him to begin with. I only have to worry about telling my sisters, since I'm forever away from some of them and there are so many. So much to do.

LD

You shouldn't even have to ask that. He's nuts.

eta: and YES!

It's easy to think of in theory (trust me I've worked through this many, many times), but for some reason I keep getting sucked into him, it's like I'm so dependent on him. I need to know this is hard, but it'll be worth it.

Basically I need to know what I'm doing is OK. He's the first REAL bf I had (yes, I was sheltered), and I just need to know that I'm not the first person (nor probably the last) to deal with a situation like this.

Those types tend to be very, very charming initially. They suck you in and suddenly you are so deep that you are not quite sure how to get yourself out. I believe it is even more complicated when you are younger and unsure of yourself. You don't necessarily know where the boundaries should be, and there are a lot of shades of gray.

Taking for granted that everything that you have written is the truth, I don't think you fail at life; but I do think that this is an important lesson for you to learn now and an important type of strength that you need to begin to nurture within yourself.

Additionally, there have been several women in this thread that have recalled their own similar experiences. There are probably others reading this right now that are going through similar problems and don't know how to even begin to ask for help. So this thread serves that purpose too.

I cannot state this any more baldly.

You truly have no idea of the mindset that you are dealing with; any contact with you is rewarding, regardless of whether it is positive or negative.

The most difficult thing you must accept is that you cannot react in any way to this man (or, as the case may be, woman - "Fatal Attraction", anyone?).

Please, please read Gavin DeBecker's book.

Trust me. I know whereof I speak.

Both.

And I agree with everyone who said be done NOW - do not G-talk to him or have any sort of contact with him. If you do, you will defeat the purpose of the restraining order.

I agree. She has talked to him once, and let him know where she stands. I don't think anymore conversations are necessary. What needs to happen now is letting everyone know that he is no longer a part of her life. She doesn't need to talk to him anymore.