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To Wait or Not To Wait: That is the Question
So my friend and I were at lunch today talking about that one beautiful day when we would get married to the men of our dreams and all that sappy stuff when she asked the question,
"What would you do if you didn't have all the money for your wedding? Would you get married on a budget and NOT have the wedding you ever dreamed of or would you wait until you could afford it all?" Honestly, I didn't know. I personally want a destination wedding so a lot of people can't come and I would technically be at my honeymoon spot already.;) So would I wait or change plans? :confused: What would you do? |
Um, plan something that IS realistically within your budget would be the logical thing to do.
The whole "waiting to get married to save wedding money up" thing is a bit much. I've seen people end up being engaged for like 3-4 years trying to save up for this "dream event" and I think that's silly. I mean, what's the goal? Do you want to get married? Or is the goal to have the wedding of your dreams? I would think that the end goal here is marriage. You can have a very nice event within a realistic budget that doesn't require years of saving. Besides, the fact that someone has to postpone a wedding or set a far off date in order to save $ for it probably means that it is not something that they can afford. But that's just me and my crazy thinking. lol. Personally speaking, I've always wanted to get married in Vegas (been vacationing there since I was 5) and that thankfully doesn't require a ridiculous budget. I'd rather put that money into a home for us or use it to ensure that we enter marriage debt-free. |
I just think marriage is much more than just a wedding ceremony, so I would rather plan for the marriage itself, and the marriage I've always dreamed of having, rather than the "wedding". I mean, a wedding is just an event. I wouldn't wait, just to save and spend a lot of money on something that doesn't prepare for the maintenance that marriage demands.
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Ok I hear that! But there are people who actually plan it out and have budgets for it. I still like my destination wedding because its a 2-for-1 wedding and honeymoon.
But I know people who will literally take out loans to fund their wedding. Next question would be whats a reasonable budget? I saw platinum weddings and uhm.. I'm not spending a college tuition on a wedding! |
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Platinum Couple probably has a $50,000 cake because they (or their parents) can afford to do that and still have money to do things like buy a home. The average person cannot. A wedding can be a beautiful and well-planned event without it costing a ton of money. My rule of thumb, if it is going to cause you to enter your marriage with extra debt or stress from having overspent on it, you can't afford it and you're probably spending beyond your means. |
Lots of people get married with a simple ceremony in their parents' yard or a good ol' trip down to the courthouse, then have a big shindig when they "renew their vows." That could be the next year or 5-10 years down the line. I think that's perfectly fine. A wedding should not put you in debt or make you flat broke. I used to want a big wedding but, now that I'm older, I think it's silly to take money that could be used for a down payment on a house or a nest egg for your kids' college fund. It's one thing if you have enough money to do both, but if it's a choice between one or the other.....
Personally, I want a low-key, inexpensive wedding (well, as "inexpensive" as a wedding gets--those things are pricey no matter how you spin it). It fits my personality better to have a smaller crowd and I'd rather our first huge financial commitment together be toward a house--or anything else that will last more than 6 hours. :cool: |
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Why on earth would anyone wait until they have the money for the "perfect" wedding? That puts the priorities completely backwards. Stay within your means for the wedding and focus on planning and building a great marriage. |
Live-in and I are waiting until we're more financially sound, but that's not for the wedding but the marriage.
Part of the exciting part of us both coming closer (like, super close) to meeting our professional goals for 2010 early is that it's bringing marriage closer. :) But I'd rather go to the courthouse than have a big church wedding with reception. I'm not one for super cermonial things. |
Weddings have gotten absolutely ridiculous nowadays and TV shows like Platinum Weddings and Say Yes toThe Dress have thrown fuel on the fire. When I got married in 1989, my parents gave me a $5000 budget and told me I could keep what I didn't spend, but if I went over, I paid for it. We ended up keeping about $500. I did take some cost-saving measures - my dress was a discontinued sample, my veil and bouquets were made by crafty friends as wedding gifts to us. We had our reception in the parish hall (nicer than it sounds - more like a hotel ballroom than a gym.) We had an open bar, heavy hors d'ouvres and a disc jockey. And some people were scandalized that I spent that much. I always tell people if they want a big wedding and have the wherewithal to have one, do it! Big weddings are fun! But don't put the cart before the horse. You're just as married if it's you, your groom, the celebrant and two witnesses. One of my cousins married a girl who came from money and their wedding was so lavish I started to wonder who these people were so desperate to impress ...
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I am a wedding show addict and I've always wanted a very nice wedding, but I agree with KSUViolet06 that it's about much more than just the wedding. People plan longer for a wedding than they do for MARRIAGE. And when I say "plan for marriage" I'm not referring to dating. I'm talking about having serious conversations with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with about problems that may arise and how you plan to fix them.
*steps off of soap box* ...back to the OP's question: I don't think it makes sense to wait until you have money for a wedding. You can easily have another celebration or even a vow renewal later down the line if you feel so inclined and hopefully you'll have more money by the time your 10, 15, 20, etc year anniversary comes around! |
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I would pay for the wedding that I could afford when I wanted to get married. Of course, I am more likely to go down the court house or jump on a plane for a destination wedding than to plan a big elaborate event.
I went to a friend's wedding about two years ago. It was small--about 50 people--and she didn't spend more than $5,000 and that included the reception, which was at a really nice restaurant that had a fabulous brunch. It was one of the most beautiful and elegant weddings that I have seen. |
I never had a wedding of my dreams. I don't give a shit about the wedding.
I was never one of the stereotypical women who sat around thinking about their dream man and dream wedding. |
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The goal is often to impress yourself and to impress others. That's NOT what a marriage is about. If you don't have the means, choose a different goal. |
Ive been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now and honestly I just wanna marry the kid lol. He has told me he wants to marry me too but here is the problem, he (and I quote) "wants everything to be perfect because that is what I deserve"...sooo idk if that means he wants a big expensive shindig or what (hmm I should ask..). Right now were both post-graduate 25yr olds so we don't have a ton of $$ to be spending. Since I'm so artsy/crafty, I plan on DIYing ALOOOT of stuff (invites, centerpieces, favors etc.) and not using a ton of flowers to cut down on costs.
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And people look at me crazy when I say "some people look forward to the wedding rather than the marriage"
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Okie
Well I must say, you all are among the few people (not just women) who'd jump the broom without the huge 'hupla'. I know there are men out there who want 'dream' weddings too.
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LB and I actually talked about this before it went to shit.
His (not mine) idea was to have a small first wedding. So like we would supposedly get married in a small place (or the courthouse) with only like our parents there. And after 5 years, then we'd have the HUUUGE wedding (renting out every hotel room in Bora Bora, etc) and he would "upgrade" my ring. His logic was, if we could make it to 5 years, then we would probably make it a whole lot longer. IDK if I like that. If I get married to a guy, I want the big shindig at the beginning. Why would I want to wait 5 years? |
My dad always said, you can spend x dollars on your wedding, but everything over x dollars is on you and future hypothetical hubby.
I fully plan to take 10% of our x dollars and go to Vegas, then put the rest of the money toward our future home. If you have big wedding 'dreams' then I am not the kind of girl you need to be with. I don't even think I'd consider dating someone whose idea of starting a life together = taking out a loan for our wedding. That tells me that he has no sense of financial priorities and that in a few years, we'll have bigger problems than that. lol. |
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I don't even want my parents to pay for my wedding because I have siblings that are 9 and 10 so they'll be in college. They can pay for that. |
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I like whoever said she'd be DIYing her wedding. That's ditto for me, I already know what kind of decorations I'd want because they are things I've made in the past. I feel like I'd enjoy the day more if the things I'm looking at came from my own hands. Hopefully, by the time I finally get married I'll be in a place where I can pay for "nicer" things just in case mine tank. :p |
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I guess I should have expected that LB's first marriage (yep he was married before, but no kids supposedly) lasted only 4 years. Maybe he kicks 'em to the curb before they get that big 5 year wedding. :D |
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I'm going through this right now. I got engaged about a month ago in Paris! But the problem with us right now is more than just money, but also includes distance and time.
I'm finishing up my first year of grad school, 8 hours away from him and he works full-time and lives at home. He'll be starting grad school in the fall and we'll be closer, but still 3.5 hours apart. While we'd love to just get married "sooner than later" (in the words of my grandmother), we'd also like to have a nice ceremony. Nothing elaborate, but we literally have no money because of our current school situation. And with the distance, it seems weird to us to have a long-distance marriage rather than a long-distance relationship/engagement. In any case, I finish my program in 2012, so we're considering either getting married then, while he finishes up his last year of the program. Neither of us would have saved any considerable sum toward the wedding by then, so we may just wait until 2013 when we've saved up a little for a really small ceremony. Or we'll have a courthouse wedding in 2012. I'm not trying to have anything insanely crazy. (For some reason, my family thinks we're waiting so long to save up for a wedding extravaganza...nope). I'm a budget queen and have already mapped out how to do dress, flowers, and venue pretty cheaply. Plus I have talented friends - musicians, DJs, all that jazz. Right now, it's just an issue of getting it all together and figuring out which will be the best for us in this long-haul engagement... |
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You're not the only one who believes this. I just think a lot of couples now have an unrealistic view of what marriage is. When I was rotating at one of the clinics, a classmate of mine (who's engaged) who also rotated there with me, would constantly talk about how beautiful her wedding is going to be. I mean, she kept asking my opinion on some of the the things she likes in her bridal magazines, and of course I gave her my opinion on some of the things that I thought were cute. The whole time I was thinking "Umm, do you know that this "wedding" is supposed to be a one time act? You're about to make a lifelong commitment, plan for that." I just think a lot couples don't realize that marriage has to be developed and also maintained, that's why they look at you like you're nuts. I dunno, she just seems like she has the giddy idea that marriage is a game or some sort of prom for grown ups.:rolleyes: |
One of my old co-workers is getting married soon. Her fiance gave her a HUGE ring. She doesn't know how big but my guess would be at least 1.5-2 carats. It's literally a boulder. They are having a big, blowout wedding with a guest count of 400 and, even though they're having trouble paying for it, they aren't willing to downsize. She told me the two of them had considered selling her ring to help pay for the wedding and then he'd buy her another smaller one later.
I'm sure you can all guess what went through my head and, I just wanna know, am I the only one who thought that? |
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My husband and I were fortunate enough to be in a financial position to pay for exactly the wedding we wanted, when we wanted it. But if we hadn't had those resources, I think we would have just had a very small wedding when we wanted to get married. We then would have had a renewal of vows and an anniversary party five or ten years later. Better that than have The Perfect White Wedding and spend the first five or ten years of your marriage paying off all the debt you racked up. |
If I wanted to get married I'd probably have a local judge marry me (small town I know some) but I think the people in my church would pay the minister fee for me, or I could do an exchange of volunteering with the church grounds or something. The women I work with said they'd provide cake and punch if I was getting married and had no money, which is really sweet. My coworkers and friends would not be pleased if I felt I couldn't invite them to my wedding because I couldn't provide food, and they'd see a potluck or a restaurant meal (where they covered for me and my spouse) as a gift.
I don't think I'd wear my initiation dress though, since it was my sister's second wedding dress, and she's on her third marriage. No plans to get married though, any time soon. I'd also just wear a ring my grandfather made for my grandmother when he was working in the shipyards during WWII as my wedding band. |
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Second, your situation sounds so familiar to mine. BF and I have been together for over five years, but unfortunately, our graduate studies have us separated by about 3 hours now. Were that not the case, I'm pretty sure we would be further along the engagement/marriage path. I know our families are disappointed that we are not "there" yet, but neither of us is thrilled with the fact that we will eventually have a long-distance engagement; we're flat-out not willing to have a long-distance marriage. When we do get to that point, we're going to be new graduates saddled with my student loan debt; there won't be a big elaborate wedding if it's up to us. And as much as I used to dream of that kind of wedding, I would give it up in a SECOND if it meant improving this whole situation. I know we'll both just be thrilled to finally be together, and to be beginning a new phase of our life together. |
I couldn't justify spending much more than $1k, if I was already paying off loans, or deeply in debt. I think some of the wedding shows on television right now are really showing some bad values (fyi - I made a typo at first and said sowing - how appropriate!).
There are so many ways to have a nice wedding and reception if you're willing to think it out and possibly compromise. And I'm not talking cash bars or cheez wiz on crackers. I've been to a wedding where they included every vendor from the bride's & groom's attire to each favor/dinner selection/wedding cake on an Advertising Page in the program (super tacky, IMHO, but points on creativity). One of the last weddings I attended was in a major country club in major landmark with two bands, major table decorations, everything gorgeous - but since it was held on a Friday, everything but the bride's dress was almost half price. Think it out, and don't be so completely sold on one idea. My own ideas have changed several times over the years - given the choice between a dream wedding and a dream house, I'll take the house. |
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Your wedding day is over so quickly. Why put off your MARRIAGE just so you can throw away "a lot more money" on a party?
If you want a small reception, then only invite those people who you want to be there. If you want to elope and/or not have a reception, then do that. I don't get this post. ETA: if your focus is only on the day and the size of the party, then maybe you SHOULD wait. There are much more important things in life, and you don't seem ready to deal with them. Marriage is not a fairy tale. |
I do quite a bit of work in divorce, and my unscientific and anecdotal observation is this: The more expensive and extravagant the wedding, the shorter the marriage.
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