Hyphenated last names
 

Earlier today, I was talking to one of my classmates who's engaged, but she wants to hyphenate her last name when she marries her fiance'. Apparently, he's making a big deal out of it and doesn't want to go through with it unless she uses his last name, only. Seriously? I mean, if I were married, I personally would rather just use my husband's last name, but I totally don't think anything is wrong with someone who prefers hyphenated last names. I just don't get why he's making a huge deal out of it. I mean, if she loves him and he loves her, why is it a big deal? Good grief, it's just a last name. Thoughts/opinions?

I'm a huge proponent of hyphenated last names or just adding his last name after yours. I prefer the hyphen because people can't shorten that.

I was my last name all of my life and he can't show up and erase that. :) Many of my friends either have hyphenated last names or never added his or her name at all. :)

ETA: He's making a big deal out of it because of the nature of patriarchy and male dominance.

I had a hyphenated last name during my first marriage - it was a major pain in the butt. People didn't know where to put me alphabetically and were constantly mangling it. I don't recommend it. My last name before my marriage was my father's, not my mother's - and what would my daughters do when they married - have a triple-hyphenated name?
Currently my maiden name is my middle name - I took the last name of my husband, but still retained my previous name. I'm happy with it.

I hyphenated because I'd done so much research under my maiden name. However, the 2 names together were really long and one day, the school was getting new nameplates for our doors and my hyphenated name wouldn't fit on the door.

We were expecting our first child by then so I just gave up on it and used my husband's name.

If my husband had reacted that way, I honestly don't think I would have married him. It is a values issue, and if you can't agree on something like that, then it really doesn't bode well for the long term.

(Neither myself nor my husband were willing to give up our last names, and so we decided - since we do plan to eventually have children and would like to have one name together as a family - to hyphenate them as MyLastName-HisLastName and both legally change our names to that.)

ETA: And just before anyone asks the inevitable question - "But what're your kids supposed to do? Add *another* hyphen??" - that would be entirely up to them. I could see either doing either MyLastNameORHisLastName-TheirSpouse'sLastName, or just keeping their name, or just taking their spouse's name. I don't see why on earth I would choose my last name based on what my hypothetical future children would potentially choose to do at some hypothetical future time.

I don't think the issue between those two is hyphenated names, honestly. This sounds like a power struggle/control issue and it would be a huge red flag to me regarding how conflicts will be dealt with later.

That said, I have co-workers who kept their maiden names completely. One doesn't care if things come to Mr. & Dr. HisLastName. Another one has an absolute fit. It's hard to figure out how to address their Christmas card so I don't mail one to them, I had deliver it to her at work with their first names all on the front. As she will attest, (and with moms I know who changed their names when they got remarried and subsequently have a different last name than their kids), teachers/schools/club leaders, etc. are almost always going to mess it up. I also think it's hard then to name the kids. Which name do they get? It adds a lot of confusion. However, if they want to live with that, more power to them.

I missed my maiden name when I got married the first time, so when I got married the second time, I legally changed my middle name to my maiden name. So now, I am legally FirstName MaidenName LastName. My middle name was Marie before anyway... along with half the people I know from my generation! I wasn't attached to it in anyway.

People should do what's right for them. This guy sounds like a total jerk to me though. If he's freaking out this much about a name, what's he going to do about serious stuff?

Yep. That's what I told her. It's just that I don't know why they're just now having this discussion.

My BF and I discussed this recently, and I was surprised to find out how strongly he felt about me taking his last name. It wasn't a "deal-breaker" by any means, but I know he would be extremely disappointed if I chose not to. I don't have strong feelings for or against it, and more than likely would have taken it anyways. However, I did tell him that we best be married by the time I graduate with that M.D. behind my name, because it's not changing after that.

THIS

A colleague did that. I think it's awesome. :D

Most men would feel too manhood-challenged to do that.

I agree, even if you currently have children. ;)

Personally I chose not to hyphenate my last name because my husband's name was already too long and French so it's also hard for most people to spell and pronounce. If I had hyphenated it I would have had a 16 letter last name. Ten letters is already annoying enough! :o

On a side note, I did try really, really hard to convince my husband to take my last name, for the above reason. Of course I can always tell telemarketers just because they can't say my name! :p

I am going to hyphenate my last name when I get married.

I decided to do so because when I get my PhD, I will be the first "Dr. anything" in my family which is something I am extremely proud and excited about. Also, my fiances dad and uncle have doctorates and I don't want to be called the same thing as them.

I never thought about what my children would be called, but I assumed they would simply take his last name. I like DSTRen's solution, though!

I plan on keeping my name. Even though we were never engaged it was a HUGE issue with my ex. That is one of the many reasons he is now my ex. WHO ARE YOU to tell me who I will be for the rest of my life?! My father only has daughters so one of us has got to fight the good fight.

Her last name is Johnson. I told her that if he doesn't want to go through with it, to only date guys with Johnson as their last name. That shouldn't be too hard to do.:p

I want to announce that there are a couple of jokes that came to mind when reading this. I shall behave. :)

I want to keep my last name. I'm the last person in my family to have it so it's something special to me. Plus BF's last name is Duncan. How boring :rolleyes: Mine's French and I love it :) Plus I won't have students calling me by my mother-in-law's name lol. Neither of us want kids but if we did I'm sure we could work something out. Honestly, I think his family will care but he doesn't.

Live-in doesn't care what I do but he is not willing to change his last name. I can respect that, because if I don't choose to change my maiden name then how can I expect him to change his last name?

I've thought about keeping my maiden name but answering to Mrs. Live-in if people choose to call me that. Especially considering that people mess up my first name all the time (which is hilarious to me, considering it's an especially common name for people in my age group) and I still answer. I guess it's just not that important to me, though, because I've also seriously considered taking his last name mostly because there are already five Ms./Mrs./Miss zgs in my family anyway, and no Ms./Mrs./Miss -Ins in his (his mother goes by her maiden name, especially since his parents' divorce).

I do think I'd prefer to have the kids have his last name though. But I suppose that depends on whose health insurance package wins - his or mine. I'd prefer that it be obvious that these children are covered by either him or me. Of course, that could always change as well.

I guess that was a long-winded way of saying that this is the first time I've really thought about it in earnest, so it's really not that important to me.

With coordinated health benefits, they go by whose birthday comes first in the year. My kids are covered by both of us, but his used to trump because his bday is March 2nd and mine is March 10th. However, it's never a guarantee on which of you will be covering them. With him unemployed, it's all on me right now.

I know many female physicians who keep their name and then if married after graduation then use their husband's name socially and for any children. It seems to work well to separate work and social/family life.

Sorry to double post...but this ^^^ is what I did as well and I like it. It also helps that I dislike my first name, so my middle name became my first, my maiden as middle and married name as last.

I'm legally hyphenated, but socially Mrs. husband's lastname. Our children, should we have any, will take his last name.

I knew I was going into Christian ministry, so I did it as a challenge to the traditional interpretation of the Haustafeln.

This is a pet peeve of mine - I don't mind if you correct me, I mean it is your name, but when people get militant and angry about it... If you're going to go against such a longstanding social convention I'm fine with it, just be patient in explaining your situation to those who have not been informed of it - there's no need to get angry.

I really do think what I will end up doing depends on where I am in my career. My last name is incredibly unique, and rather memorable. If I have enough of a career built up by the time I get married, I will still use my maiden name professionally. If I don't... well, I still might use it professionally.

On a personal level, my own mother kept her maiden name as her middle name and her last name became my father's last name. I would like to do that, except for the fact that I think my last name would be incredibly weird as a middle name and I'm rather fond of how my first and middle name sound together. So maybe I'll just add my husband's last name onto the end, and have two middle names... or something. I don't know, and I have a few years to figure it out. But socially (and probably legally), I do plan on going by Mrs. Whatever when that time comes.

Darnit! I have to like Jay-Z and Beyonce now. :( I respect that A LOT. :)

LOL This made me laugh...a few years ago when I was still in HS and working my HS job, I was helping my boss out with her wedding invitations during down time. I can't tell you how many envelopes I ended up having to reprint because the person to whom it was addressed was very picky about the way it was addressed. However, I didn't have that information from the start... All I had was the name of the husband, name of the wife, and his last name. It was such a mess...

I never thought about hyphenating my name at all. My last name is SO different that I always wanted to get married so it would change to be "normal". My father has a son so he can carry us on. I'll be Mrs, Hubbylastname.

With a hyphenated last name, you have to sign documents with First, MI, LastName1-Lastname2. Thats a lot!

I did always find it interesting that a birth certificate is considered identification for you even after you've changed your name and the names no longer match. At least with my maiden name as my middle name, it kind of demonstrates that there is a relationship between the current name and the name on the birth certificate.

I am a hyphenate, but largely go by my last name (for pretty much anything where it isn't essential to use your full legal name).

And sorry, but I am militant about it. I don't go off on strangers who call me "Mrs. hislastname" or anything, but I definitely do correct them and expect them to acknowledge it. However, I have family and friends who know what my name is and choose to call me "Mrs. hislastname," and they get the full nuclear blast. You don't get to just choose what to call someone -- it's not THAT freaking unusual for a married couple to have different last names, so if you willfully ignore that, you're being rude.

That's funny because it's so true, but I really enjoy signing documents with my full on completely unusual name. My new last name is only 11 letters.

I hyphenated for my own selfish reasons including I liked having 7 of the same letter in my name. I've always been well-connected to 7, and I didn't want to give that small piece of me up just to be married. Luckily, my hubby's very understanding and low-drama unlike some of these men.

The OP's friend may want to just cut her losses with this control freak in hiding before she winds up on Maury with her head hanging down while her husband proudly announces that she can't do anything without his say-so. Honestly, is his last name "sooo totally freakin' awesome" that she'd be a fool to turn it down? :rolleyes:
:

I took Andy's last name, but was surprised when I started being referred to as First Name, Maiden Name, Last Name when volunteering with my alma mater and the sorority. It caught me off guard at first, because I was married for 3+ years and hadn't used my maiden name for anything. I now use my maiden name with my Last Name regularly in communications, but it's not my legal name anymore.

Ditto with lawyers. My wife did that as long as she was in journalism as well. She still regularly uses FirstName MaidenName MySurname (without a hyphen).

Meanwhile, OP's friend and her fiancé need to have a serious talk if he's willing to call off the wedding over this.

Stop being so lazy, people. ;)

Amen, sister. :)

This is what I do. Actually, sometimes I don't remember what name I use for what situation, and I'll be at a hotel checking-in having to give a litany of different names for the reservation!:D Professionally, I use my maiden name...which no one can pronounce correctly. Usually I use my married name socially...which REALLY no one can pronounce since my Greek FIL changed when he came to America (too many Ds and Js in the name!) I also hyphenate when people in a group may know me by both names. If I had it my way, I'd just use my maiden name....hell, it's been mine since I was born no matter which parent it came from!

The only think that irritates me is when my husband gets the Dr and I get the Mrs. If you are handing out honorariums, give them to both of us please. I don't care if you don't call me doctor, but it's a slight to my gender to call him one and leave me out. What ever last name you put in doesn't matter to me.

To the OP, I guess your friend really needs to think these things through. I agree that this is just a power struggle. It will be one of many in a marriage. This is an issue that brings up old issues of male dominance that never had to be discussed in the past. Even in modern marriage, gender roles are automatically assigned in each persons mind going into the marriage. I am constantly amazed at what my very non-traditional husband still thinks is my "job" (ie. to do the shopping and cleaning until I remind him that he can do it just as well as I can.) Those kinds of things are really ingrained in our society, so if he's freaking out about a name, what else might be in his head about other female roles?

When hubby and I were planning our wedding, he actually asked me if I thought we should both hyphenate our names. My maiden name has Welsh roots and is difficult to pronounce; his has Native American roots and is never mispronounced (think: ClearWater; Stands with Fist (ha)). We figured any combination of our names would sound odd and would most likely be mispronounced, so I decided just to take his name. My maiden name is now my middle name.

And I echo the others who have said the OP's friend needs to step back and really look at what's going on.

That's pretty common with colleges and sororities - so that people who knew you then can figure out who you are, and for their records (so that they can tie you in with all the rest of your transcripts, etc.). You signed all your paperwork with your maiden name - I think this is just their way of keeping it all straight.