Daughter's friend's recruitment
 

This is a cautionary tale for pnms:

Last fall at a different unversity than where my pnm goes her friend went through recruitment. She was a double legacy at one house, but refused to consider that house. And that is certainly acceptable, but given her reasoning, maybe not so much. They were LOSERS and nerds, in her estimation, so she looked elsewhere.

Friend went into recruitment blind, even though my daughter (who was by that time a pledge having gone through recruitment 4 weeks earlier) tried to give her the 411 on how to prepare. Friend didn't get the houses that she wanted and dropped out. Friend told me that she was "rude" (those were her words, not mine) at her legacy house and several other houses that weren't good enough for her. The Reluctant One cringed and then mentioned that behavior gets around to all the houses.

HOWEVER, there was a chapter reorganizing and she pledged that one. From the mom's description, it was a mess. Since the national owned the house it was under refurbishment. And Monday night dinners consisted crackers and some snack type food. Friend depledged.

Friend decided to go through informal. One house, in her estimation, suited her needs. Her friend, a member there, invited her to an event. Friend was told that, after that event, the house didn't get around to voting on COB candidates. So, Friend decided to go through formal spring recruitment.

This time she was prepared, at least sartorially. But, she and her mom told me, out of the 8 or so houses, Friend was only interested in two or possibly three. The Reluctant One strongly advised the open mind thing. The Reluctant One strongly suggested that she just go and have a good time.

Friend went through with 4 friends. Two received bids to a higher tier house. One received a bid to a middle tier house. (These tiers were according to the Friend). Her roomate received a bid to what Friend considers a lower tier house. Friend received a Pref invite to the lower tier house, and refused to go. (Can you imagine that pairing in the dorms next year?).

Friend has now determined that she is going to COB the "top" house next fall. She has a friend in that house who will "make sure that she gets a bid". Reluctant One mentioned that if it is the "top" house they won't be doing COB right after formal, but well, Friend knows better.

In a nutshell, this recruitment saga, is the cautionary tale to pnms. This saga isn't about having unfortunate things befall and have to drop out. Nor is it about restructuring finances, illness, or schoolwork. It is, pure and simple, about a recruitment that was only about perceived status that one acquires upon pledging. :rolleyes:

I am 99.99% sure I know what school you are talking about, and about 80% sure I know what chapter she is aiming for and the one she depledged. If that is how her recruitment panned out so far, word has absolutely gotten around and she doesn't have a shot in hell at her dream chapter.

I know that wisdom comes with age, but I wish these PNMs could see how foolish they are being by deciding they only want chapters they apparently have NOTHING in common with, and turning down invites to houses that they have so many commonalities with! It's absurd!

Much of what I learned about recruitment came from my experience so many years ago, what happened to my older daughter and then armed with those experiences and GreekChat my youngest's recruitment. Yes, future PNMs read the information here and research your school.

KSUViolet: You are 100% correct. PNMs should look at who they are...........really are. And that is not a negative. One house that my daughter was really interested in (and they in her) until the discussion about trips came up. She had "only" been to Hawaii (every summer), New York, the Caribbean......but never to Africa (swear to G..) and exotic locations. It wasn't a "fit". (That was one example) She moved on....and loves the house that she pledged and was initiated into this year. No fault here or there, there wasn't a fit.

Aren't most of the differences in "tiers" though having to do with looks? I find nice/snotty girls in every chapter, it seems that these stereotypes are only based on appearances. Is this what you mean by not fitting in or having more in common with a girl who looks more like you? Not trying to start anything

I'll say this...when I went through I am positive I could've been in the "top" sorority on my campus (it's not a competitive campus), which is mostly fit, blond, tanned, and pretty girls, especially pageant girls. I did have a bunch of unfair stereotypes about them, but even if I did have more in common with them than I did I wouldn't have felt like I fit in as well as everyone else...I wasn't blond, tanned, and certainly didn't do pageants. It sounds shallow but who isn't at 18? I would've felt like I had to spend every moment looking my best just to keep up and be mediocre in that chapter...the chapter I joined was more diverse and I felt like I wouldn't have to worry nearly as much about my appearance just to fit in. That kind of thing matters when you're a freshman going through rush.

Ok, gotcha. Question, what do you think about when girls who vaca in Europe every summer, went to private school, are pretty, like to go shopping, etc that whole list you mentioned, get cut by those chapters? Wouldn't you say that they don't have as much in common with the other chapters just like the "regular" girls might not have as much in common with the Pretty Miss Popular chapter? just wondering

I don't see the point in speculating about hypothetical circumstances/situations/people. ellebud & ksuviolet have given excellent advice, as have the other posters. This is a cautionary tale that PNMs should take to heart.

No one has to answer me, I just posted a question, no big deal

Oh, I was wondering more so do you think the miss popular who gets cut is going to have things in common with the non-miss popular chapters just as the regular girl does not have much in common with the miss popular chapter

I think that college is a time of change and growth. This is the first time that many young women are testing the waters in the great big ocean. Obviously EVERY high school has a popular clique. What happens when you have hundreds of bright, beautiful girls ALL of whom were somebody in high school suddenly in one huge recruitment class? Not everyone will be Miss Popularity, and that is perfectly ok, as long as you (the girl) understands that she is still that wonderful, beautiful, smart funny girl that she was four months ago.

Perhaps you're from a small town. Your fashion may have been perfect.....there. Your knowledge of what's in and what's no was perfect.......there. Suddenly you find yourself at......Harvard. EVERYONE there was the best and the brightest in their hometown. Now, someone will be at the bottom, some will be in the middle and one person will graduate first in their class. You try your best, you march to a new tune and hopefully you'll evolve into the wonderful adult that you are meant to become. Some kids run home because they don't have the "stuff" to find a new self. What matters is the education and the friends you make along the way. And sometimes you get hit in the nose with the "wrong" bid, or no bid. Then it's what you make of it that counts.

It was one long run on sentence, there shouldn't have been capitalization. I did miss a question mark at the end though

Those girls may not have as much in common with their chapter than the more "elite" chapters had they not been cut, but then again, we are talking mostly about chapters at schools with very defined differences between groups. This is pretty rare and at MOST schools not so definitive. A fish out of water can fit in, but may not feel as comfortable and will probably have to work harder at it.

Mostly I think it's the idea of getting rejected by Pretty Perfect Princess. It's one of the first doses of reality most girls get when they get to school. They want to be a Pi Pi Pi because everyone should want to be a Pi Pi Pi. Patty PNM isn't even thinking about things like how she could cope with the Tri Pis' weekly spa trips and shopping sprees while she works three shifts a week at the Wag-a-Bag just to pay her dues.

Of course not...it often reminds me of "Scent of A Women." Chris O'Donnell's character tries so hard to fit in with the rich boys at his school, but he'll never be a privileged brat with daddy's money.

I'm amazed at how clueless this young lady is.

She was "rude" to her legacy house. She pledged a colony/re-colony, then de-pledged. She went to COB events for a house she liked, but didn't get a bid. She went through spring formal, didn't like what she got, and withdrew.

That's possibly 4 houses, assuming that none of them are the same house, to whom she has given the message, "You aren't good enough for me." That could be half the houses on campus.

THIS and THIS.

I think a lot of girls come to college with the expectation that they're going to reinvent themselves. They're in a totally new environment, oftentimes with no one who knew them in high school. However, when they realize that a few months and a new wardrobe isn't going to magically change them from the average girl they were in high school to the queen of their college campus (who is, consequently, a member of the "top" sorority), it's a big blow to their self-confidence. Not all girls handle it with the grace and maturity they should. Some will join the group they truly fit in with and learn to flourish there - and love it - and learn that popularity or image or what-have-you isn't going to be what makes you really happy. Some will end up this the OP's PNM. I think it's pretty obvious which scenario makes that girl look worse in the end.

Not to mention the fact that the PNMs who do somehow find their way into the "top" group (when they know in their hearts that it's who they want to be, not who they are) are rarely very happy. I have quite a few friends who made it into their dream group by acting like someone they weren't and discovered after a few months that it wasn't where they should have ended up. It turned out they had nothing in common with their sisters (surprise!) and they felt like an outsider. Some deactivated, but some stuck with it for the prestige of continuing to wear those letters, even though they meant nothing to them. Sad.

Basically, she burned her bridges. This girl has done plenty to draw negative attention to herself, and word gets around a Greek community pretty quickly.

Think of it this way -- if you were an XYZ, and you knew that this girl had been openly rude to girls in her legacy chapter, had pledged and depledged a another chapter, and turned down an informal Pref invitation to yet another chapter because she felt they weren't good enough for her, would you want her to be your sister? Would you extend her a bid?

I can't tell you how you know what's right for you -- in my experience, you just *know*. But this thread contains a whole lot of What Not To Do, and I think it would be wise reading for any girl going through rush.

The problem is, it sounds like this girl didn't care if they were a match or not. she just wanted to be part of a popular chapter. To use your example, it's like dating a complete douch of a guy that you can't stand and have nothing in common with, just because he is like a star quarterback. Recruitment shouldn't be a popularity contest. It should be about finding the place that fits you as a new home.

No, it's not like that at all. If you go into recruitment with that attitude, you'll only come out disappointed. You need to be respectful of all the chapters on campus and keep an open mind. You shouldn't go in concentrating on getting into only one specific chapter, but rather see what all the houses have to offer. Read what the above posters have said. Just because you think a chapter might be right for you going into recruitment doesn't mean it is.

What she did wrong was act too good for every group on campus. Trust me...there is NO WAY she could have seriously looked at each of these chapters seriously and not found women in them with whom she could be friends. Recruitment is MUTUAL selection. The chapter that she has decided is for her already decided that she was NOT for them. It is then her fault for not giving other chapters a chance to join their sisterhoods. She'll never get a bid to the most desirable group on campus after first being released by them, being rude to multiple groups on campus, pledging another group and them dropping them because they served crackers for dinner. It doesn't work that way!

Logistically, I am having trouble following this one, although the cautionary tale is clear.

She went through formal, dropped out, then accepted a bid from a chapter recolonizing.... then de-pledged, and went through informal, (although wouldn't she have to waiit a year if it was a NPC group) then formal spring, then COB? Did this take place over the course of two years, because of the de-pledging?

Part of this was very confusing to me as well. I asked a question on another thread about it (the part about her ability to go through recruitment again so soon. yes, because it is a colony). No, this has been the saga for 8 months. Here is the time line:

Went through formal fall rush (all NPC chapters represented)--dropped out because she didn't like her choices.
Found out that there was an NPC recolonizing at her university. Pledged, went to a number of events, depledged.
Mom went to Panhellenic and complained that her daughter had trouble due to a physical disability. Daughter was granted permission to go through recruitment either through COB and/ or spring formal (not all chapters participate in spring formal.)
Went through COB with one house. Went to an event. Was told by a friend that her chapter didn't vote on "anyone" because they didn't get around to it.
Spring Formal: done over 3 days (as opposed to 5 for fall formal recruitment). Girl had 2 or 3 houses that she would consider (out of 8 houses, not all houses participate). Girl dropped from all houses, except 1, that were acceptable after the first day. Second day (for Pref) her invite was for 1 house that she didn't want. Dropped out.

Plans for the future: To do COB in the fall, after formal recruitment, to go to the popular houses where she feels that they are worthy of her presence.

Yes. Her head was up her ass.

What did she do wrong? She felt that she was too good for any houses other than the "top" houses. She was rude at houses that she felt she was too good for them. She really did dress disrespectfully for formal rush. The last was actually the fault of Panhellenic who said that flipflops and daisy dukes were ok. But then my daughter and I told her to avoid the information from Panhellenic. She never tried to get to know the girls in the lower tiers. Her mother complained to Panhellenic that she was treated unfairly.

33Girl: I actually burst out laughing! Thank you.

Sometimes what you want isn't what you get. Sometimes the way you view yourself isn't the way others see you. (and that can be good or bad). Sometimes your perfect fit isn't the fit for the house.

When I went through there was a house that I thought was perfect for me. The girl who rushed me was me. She was the only person who rushed me because that's the way her house handled recruitment. I didn't get asked back. I wasn't asked back because at that time her house (and all others on our Row, except one) were restricted. It wasn't about what I wanted, or what the other girl wanted (she fought hard for me as I understand), it was the way it was. And sometimes the way life is isn't fair or good or happy or is just plain wrong. You just don't always get what you want. Incidentally, sometimes a house wants you desperately, but you don't want them: they invested lots of time and effort in rushing you. You say no thank you (the thank you part is importent).

(A) Sometimes you don't deserve the quarterback, no matter how much you think you do.

(B) It doesn't really matter what it SEEMS like to you. The women in the houses actually know what the houses are like and judge accordingly. You don't and consequently, you really only get to choose from houses you are invited back to.

(C). Try out your recruitment plan. For realz. It won't work out.

1) Irregardless is not a word. You should learn that for AP English.

2) Honey, read the long thread.

3) Keep this up and you're in for a world of hurt come recruitment time. You might be a big fish in a small pond now, but there are a thousand girls just like you going through recruitment. KEEP AN OPEN MIND.

I really hope this girl isn't for real, but sadly, I'm afraid that she is.

Who you are in HS matters VERY little when it comes to recruitment.

For every pretty popular girl, there are 10 more just like her.

It is about finding people you like, to some degree. However, the sororities are trying to find the same thing.

Generally speaking, the "top house" is the one that many of the girls going through want to be in (for any number of reasons).

This very well could be the house with all the "cute and popular" types in it.

The "top house(s)" simply cannot take every last one of those types of girls.

As I said above, once you get to college, you are one of MANY high school girls who are just like you. Every single one of them is not going to end up in the "top house" at your school. It's impossible.

At the same time, this is all a moot point until you get to recruitment. You could actually MEET people in a house you thought you would love and decide that you don't have as much in common as you thought.

I'd suggest doing some reading here at some point so you can understand the process better. You have alllll summer to do so.

Your theory about only wanting the top house doesn't work if Top House isn't interested in you.

RebelCheerbabii:

This was NOT a strategy to get the "best" houses to notice her. The houses only talk to the negative (Girl went into ABC and wouldn't talk to them because she felt that they were beneath.) The great girls no house announces that they want, they just go for them. And bear in mind: EVERY school has a quarterback. There are hundreds of thousands of high school popular quarterbacks. Many go to college. Most aren't on the football team because they aren't good enough. Now, translate that to recruitment..........