Wedding etiquette
 

A cousin of mine got married two years ago. She was 8 months pregnant and had a small wedding ceremony at home with only her husband, her sister, her (to be) mother in law and sister in law. They made a huge deal to purposely exclude everyone else in the family. It wasn't a financial decision; they posted pictures and titled them "the chosen few".

Flash forward to now. They are having a reception at the country club, with 8 bridesmaids. No reconfirming their vows, no church ceremony (we're Catholic). I asked her sister if they are registered, and the reply was "No they are not, they have everything they need, they would appreciate money gifts."

If they "have everything", why ask for money?

I have read that the proper way to ask for money is to indicate that the couple is saving for something specific, like a house, a honeymoon, etc. I also read that it is improper to ask for gifts, and that it is not mandatory to give one (not that I would ever do that).

It just seems to me that they are doing this solely for the money. I know that they are not paying for this, and neither are either of their parents. A mutual relative (between my cousin and I) is footing the bill (they ASKED him, and feeling pressured, he obliged. This person helps a lot of people in the family.)

Of course I will give them a gift, but I am uneasy with the whole thing. The option of not attending would not be acceptable (I'm very close with my uncle, her dad).

General thoughts??

How do you have a bridesmaid, let alone eight without being a bride or having a ceremony? There is never a proper way to ask for gifts or money because it isn't proper!

There's so much I'd like to say re: marrying at eight months pregnant, publicly, and then having a gift fest wedding because one missed out. Other than the people who are on the show "I didn't know I was pregnant!" it is pretty obvious at eight months, and she posted it on Facebook so it wasn't a secret marriage to coincide with a pregnancy.

Give them a hardbound etiquette book and thank you cards with stamps.

WOW..can you said RUDE?! I can totally see why you are uneasy, her behavior is ridic. I agree with VandalSquirrel, sounds like she needs a lesson in etiquette!

I don't understand why this would make sense to them and why anyone else would go along with it. Eight bridesmaids? :rolleyes:

I assume they just need money. I agree with you that, if they need money, they should give an idea of what they are raising money for. Afterall, they got married a couple of years ago so most people probably won't be eager to give money and gift cards NOW.

http://flyingcart.com/blog/wp-conten...4/how_rude.jpg

That isn't a baby, that's a toddler!

You also have to wonder if people gave privately for the wedding and the baby, or if there was a baby shower, so this is redundant and greedy.

I woulsd say avoid money, give a gift that can't be retuned that corresponds with their anniversary year as noted on wikipedia (search "Aniversary Gifts") be sure to have it engraved so they can't sell it on ebay!

If I wasnt invited to the wedding, they wouldn't be getting a GIFT in the first place. But if you must, I'd be slick and buy a gift for the child. That's always helpful right? And take the tags off and don't bring it in the bag that advertises the store name. No store credit or refund for them! lol

That's actually an excellent idea. :D I would do a child gift card. Let them figure it out what the kid wears.

Smells like a gift grab to me.

I'd go with the etiquette book and maybe a small gift specifically for the baby (it's not the kid's fault s/he was born into this mess).

The bitch in me would also make a contribution to Planned Parenthood in the happy couple's name :p

I would go, but I wouldn't bring a gift except for maybe a bottle of wine...something I frequently take to a party. That's all this is - a party. It's just at a country club. No wedding gift is needed, certainly not cash. The entire event is tacky and very attention-whore-ish (as the girls on The Knot say).

One for each month, duh.

I like ae_phi alum's idea of the etiquette book. I think a good gift to acknowledge the tackiness but avoid making waves would be a giftcard to a children's store.

Miss Manners would have a field day.

Get your family together and open up a college fund for the kid- a 529 would be good!

I have no problem with the idea of a party- it's the bridesmaids thing that I don't get. Oh, and the fact they aren't paying for it themselves.

I would just consider this an anniversary party where 8 of the people are in matching dresses - not a wedding!

Is the "bride" going to be in a wedding gown? Or are there just going to be 8 women playing dress-up? Are groomsmen going to be there, too? This whole thing is so odd.

You've gotten a lot of good ideas - an etiquette book, a college fund, a bottle of wine. All these options seem like more than the couple deserves. The problem with giving an etiquette book in this type of situation is that the couple probably won't recognize the hint. If they're that removed from what's appropriate, they won't understand why they're getting that particular book. Even after they read it.

Since it isn't a wedding, and since there isn't a reconfirmation of vows, it just sounds like a party. I think I'm leaning towards the bottle of wine. I'd be tempted to open it while I was there, too.

I, too, think this should be billed in everyon'e mind as a party. But I understand that you feel you should give a gift (problem #1 is that you even asked about gifts, so you opened yourself up to the issue).

I love, love the idea of several relatives opening some sort of college account (but something the parents cannot get into until later? not sure what is available) because this gift has class, unlike the parents.

These people are the heighth of tacky...(in southern drawl: "Bless their hearts")

Indeed, she would, gentle reader.

I think Miss Manners would tell you that it is never, ever proper to ask for money or for any gift all. It's called a gift for a reason.

The best the couple can do is let it be known generally to family and close friends that they are, as you've said, saving for something specific, so that those family members and friends can provide helpful information if asked. But if the couple is asked, the proper response is "your presence is gift enough."

This is correct. Again, it's called a gift for a reason.

i would be damned if i gave those money grubbers what they want. they are the height of tackiness.

i love the college fund idea for the child. touche'.

oh yeaahhhhhhh...as if it couldn't get dumber. :p

Ok...someone's gotta say it.

8 months pregnant when she got married.

Was a shotgun and threats of painful death involved?

Sidebar: My s/o's sister and her hubby did a courthouse marriage (in 'secret') 2 weeks after their child was born and then had a 'public' family marriage a few months later.

Her hubby, myself, and a few others were sitting around talking about it a few months ago when he asked "Which anniversary is more important?"

Yes, she is wearing the dress she wore at the "chosen few" wedding two years ago. Her son is almost 2, and he will be the ring bearer (for a nonexistant ring exchange. He's just going to be in a little suit and carry a pillow around during dinner).

The bridesmaids are wearing real "bridesmaid" dresses. I am assuming that there will be just as many groomsmen.

I like the ideas you all gave. Especially the wine. After all, the invitation says: "It's never to late to Celebrate! Let's Celebrate the life, love and marriage of ----- and ----"

Thank you every one for the suggestions!! My sisters and I were at a loss on this one.

Wow. That's kinda sad that she can wear the same dress she wore when she was 8 months pregnant. Yes, I realize tailoring is always an option. I'm just being bitchy.

Ring bearer? For what? There's no ceremony? :confused:

Wow. Just wow.

Etiquette book and a gift card to Toys R' Us. The end.

[QUOTE=gee_ess;1910838]

I love, love the idea of several relatives opening some sort of college account (but something the parents cannot get into until later? not sure what is available) because this gift has class, unlike the parents.

QUOTE]

With a 529 account, the donor stays in control of the money. In fact, the named beneficary has no rights to the money until the donor releases it- so if a child turns out to be a deadbeat, they don't automatically get the money when they turn 18. (and the parents can't cash it out either).

You could always buy them a box of wine and a box of condoms. :cool:

Eff that, i wouldn't give them anything...not even for the child (maybe that is what they are hoping for as well). They said they don't need anything, so they wouldn't get anything.

Instead i'd probably give the money/ a gift to the family member that is actually funding this party. I have family members that are very similar to your relative, who will help out regardless. So I think it would be a nice gesture.

Middle fingers are nice gestures also

The whole thing just sounds super bizarre...

I'm sorry I don't have any better input than that. I'm just sitting here like :confused::confused:

Lol I couldn't make this stuff up! There is so much more to the entire story but for discretion's sake, I can't share. Let's just say that our paths only cross a few times a year. I used to babysit this cousin and two of her sisters (there are 5 kids total) when they were little.

Sigh. You can't pick your family.

Please, oh Please, take pictures and post them! We need to fully enjoy this event!!

CHARLOTTE HAS PUDDING IN HER PRADA
CHARLOTTE POUGHKEEPSIED IN HER PANTS

Thanks for giving me an excuse to watch this for the zillionth time. :) *popping in the dvd*

Hahahah YES!

Lol I will. I just will have to blur the identities to protect the innocent (victims of this ruse!!).

Ok. Just got an update from my sisters and mom. They are putting together a basket and regifting things they received but never used. So far they have a pair of wine "toasting" glasses, a waterford-esque picture frame and a few other things I fotget.

I just remembered that we had a "picnic basket" backpack (dishes, utensils, cloth napkins, attached coozy for wine, a wine opener, and a tablecloth). It's actually a pretty neat gift but we just never found the occasion to use it. And BONUS! the tags are all still on it.

Doing the happy dance!! Oh, I am going to hell, aren't I?

That actually sounds much nicer than what most people are suggesting. I always think picnics sound so pleasant but never actually go on one. FTW, personalize it to the happy couple a la ForeverRoses' recommendation:

http://www.irvinehousingblog.com/ima...lete/borat.jpg

That is unbelievable. I would definitely not bring a gift. A pretend wedding celebration...two years after the fact...without a wedding...is really just a fundraiser. Keep that picnic basket until you find a time to use it!! You could even write in a card something along the lines of...."Congratulations. I am so inspired by the love that you two share. Mr. Ree and I plan to take time each week to be together. We even purchased this great picnic basket that we will use when the weather gets warmer. While we are enjoying our time together, we will toast to you. We hope that some day, we can have a relationship as wonderful as yours." It might be hard not to puke while you are writing it tho.

How did I miss this thread?!

I have an even better idea... give their gift to someone else. Make a donation in their name to a charity. That way, you can feel good about giving them a gift, knowing that they won't enjoy it, and helping the less fortunate... all at the same time!

"A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund..."

:D

FTW!! DO THIS.