Paying for sex - is this more common than I thought?
 

Hi everyone, This is my first post, but I've been reading GC for a while now. It's very addicting. . . GC has kept me very entertained for many months. I'm not greek, but maybe one day I will be. I just need to get myself together before making that lifetime commitment.

Anyway. . . I'm very curious to see what GC folks think about the following situation. I look forward to honest, real anwers:

I've been seeing this gentleman for 8 months and it has been wonderful.
One day (jokingly) I asked if he had ever paid for sex and he seriously said yes! I did not expect that because I was just trying to be funny. Big mistake on my part. He went on to share the story of when he went to Mexico in his mid 20s (he is now in his early 40s) on vacation and he hired 2 prostitutes for a 3some. He said he only did it to see what a 3some felt like and after that came to the conclusion that one-on-one sex was the only way to go for him because he preffered to focus on one woman during sex. He also said he never did it again and never wants to. He told me he shared the story with me because "it was a long time ago, it's not me anymore and I don't want to spoil what we have by me telling you a lie." I was shocked so I just sat there. Speechless. Then I thanked him for being so honest. I went home and been thinking about it alot and what this means for the future of our relationship. I was beginning to think he might actually be my Mr. Right because of how well the past 8 months have been going. But now after this story, I'm wondering if I should be concerned and run away as fast as I can!

Uh, should I be happy he trusted me enough to tell me? I realize this is hard for men to do because of how we women react to their honesty. . . A part of me is very disappointed that he has it in his character to do something like this, even if it was 15 years ago. He also mentioned that it is not uncommon for men in their 20s to pay for sex as a one time thing, for exploration purposes. Is this true?

Anyway, I was just wondering what GCers thougth about this? Any personal experiences would be appreciated, but opiniions are good too.

Sometimes, we ask questions when we can't really handle the answers. I have no advice for you except that he shared the info with you willingly, so don't ever use that against him. (of course you've already made sure he was disease free, right?)

Omg, of course. I personally get tested every 6 months and before anything happened between us, I made sure we both got cleared! He said he protected himself as much as he could that time in Mexico (I know that sounds contradictory!)

Not to sound patronizing, but I think it's great that you both got tested. I'm not out in the dating world, and haven't been for a long time, but I sure hope it's easier to get done these days. I know not everyone will agree, but I think that people should get tested before each new partner. Sure it's not romantic, but neither is finding out you have creepy crawlies or worse!

If you say he is your "Mr. Right"--the rule generally is, don't ask questions unless your are mentally prepared for the answer... Now you may have been joking, but he honestly told you the truth. The follow up is would he pay for sex with any woman, threesome or not again? Is it the fact he had a sexually explicit kind of interaction, i.e. threesome that bothers you? Or is it the fact that he paid for it?

My question to you is can such a intimate act be purchased for money? What are your values on this concept?

What makes me have that question is in a serious relationship, often leading to marriage, it is unwise to get into, "acts" and "rewards" activities--if you do "A" or if you're nice to me, or if you lose weight, or if you do this for me; then I will do... SOMETIMES it can get into a domestically violent situation. Do you want a hint of that or do you want to push it to the limits?

What are your values? How does he honor them, then? These can't be spoken just by words--actions speak louder than words.

Men paying for sex workers is a problem globally. Those are the facts. It is the PAYING not just the act. The issue is what values. What, he can't keep his penis in his pants enough wait for sex that he appreciates?

The fact that you are posting this on a Greek Lettered Organization board under "dating and relationships" suggests that this one fact does concern you. Relevancy to GLO's??? It's all good, because many of us are health care professionals, too. :)

This was 15 years ago. I'd hate if a man judged me now on what I did 15 years ago. It might behoove you to look at this in the same manner. Are you the same person now that you were then?

Personally, I'd rather hear he paid for a threesome (or even just one hooker) than had it with 2 girls he works with and sees every day. I honestly just don't think this is that big of a deal.

Although, for his sake, you should probably leave him, because you're going to be throwing this in his face every time ANYTHING goes wrong - the writing on the wall is pretty clear about that.

I will wait to decide as to whether to take the OP seriously.

Until then...

http://themixtapemonster.files.wordp...pg?w=305&h=393

I was going to cut and say "THIS" to what I bolded, but this WHOLE post is really, really good. I couldn't agree more.

I swear, if I was dating a guy who told me he paid for sex at ANY time in his life, I would be SO outta there. That's disgusting! Seriously. But I still would have a lot of respect for him for being honest with me.

lol

Authentic or not, I think it's a great question.

I agree totally with what ree and 33 said.

But to answer the question in the title, it's definitely more common than I thought, but it is still a taboo, at least in my communities. "Escorts" are pretty easy to come by and seem quite legal on the surface, but we all know they're really pros. Where I work, there is a sporadic streetwalker problem, too, and they wouldn't be out there if there weren't any johns.

Anyway..... yeah, it's out there. The guy in the scenario... whatever, shit happens. But if it's an addiction.... that's a problem.

He paid for sex, meaning he skipped the dinner and a movie and just handed the cash.

I firmly believe that people should keep many details of their past to themselves. Whether you paid for sex or bought every ex-girlfriend diamonds for Christmas, what's the point of sharing that info with your current?

i'm sure you've done one or two things in your life that he wouldn't fully approve of. chill.

Thanks.

Let's be honest: I am not going to Al Anon meeting for sex abuse and say "Hi, my name is AKA_Monet and I am intolerant of bullshit!" Sure chick asked, dude answered honestly. Sure he prolly is going to be judged on things that happened 15 years ago. But seriously, I am one to say "a leopard never changes its spots" and really, not my problem. I see it as a character flaw--not as a whoops, I got a speeding ticket-kinna thing. But that's me.

Everyone has a past history and some things are important. Talking about people's past is discretionary. And the OP's post said that dude stated that "a lot of 20 year olds do this"-and the tone I read was a "matter of fact-ly"...

NO! Not a lot of 20-something year olds buy sex with prostitutes! That is bullshit! There are studies that show that men who buy sex from prostitutes often have psychotic tendencies similar to a rapist, and often have a personality disorder. Just ask RAINN.org.

She shouldn't have asked, even jokingly. LOL. Lesson learned.

lol. womp womp.

LOL.

It's like a snooping person getting angry when they find something. Sitchoassdownsomewhere. LOL.

Yep. I mean, what's wrong with being upfront? I just think it's based on what I can deal with and what I can't, and I personally don't call that judging. I believe people can change their lives and completely turn it around, but what that guy did is too much. At least it would be for me. Prostitutes? That's so gross. There's no way. I'm with you all the way, AKA_Monet. It's only fair to both people to be upfront and honest with each other.

So asking a question, even in jest, about such a thing means one must be ready for the answer... People's who are not married that is private business. If this was the man I were to marry and he freely told me such a thing like that after I asked... Well, that would be my dealbreaker. I just being honest. Too bad for him that I distrusted his honesty because I can't handle his answer. Oh well, life moves on... That's my opinion & he can find someone else to tolerate the bull.

Yep. Yes, it's private business, it's just that if it gets beyond the friendship thing, I only think it's fair to be honest about everything. Ya know what I mean?

lol and I agree with your opinion.:)

So dude was being honest. Brutally so. And the OP is ambivalent about the answer. If anything s/he needs to be honest with him/herself. Where did the fairness go? :confused:

Yep. And if she's not being fair to herself and/or she feels uncertain about it, then I think she should just break up with him.

I'd be interested to see what the responses would be if you asked this question in a country like Norway or Sweden where their attitudes towards sex are somewhat...uh..."different" from ours (Ours meaning "North Americans").

As for the original question, well, it's not called "The World's Oldest Profession" for nothing. And from the sounds of it, it will always bother you, it's ruined your perception of who you thought he was, so you might as well just end it now.

and another honest dude bites the dust. sheesh.

Personally, I don't hold most things that people did during their "youth" against them, particularly if they've since grown up. I did plenty of things when I was younger that, after doing them, I decided wasn't the smartest/best thing to do. Thank goodness everybody in my life doesn't hold those things against me. As someone in my mid-40's, I can truly say that I've changed greatly since my mid-late twenties. Especially if it was a one time thing, never repeated and no longer desired by the person.

AKA_Monet, yet again you blow me away with your posts. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

I think most of us at one point in our lives explore our sexual side and a 3some is just that for some people. What bothered me is that he payed for it, not the fact that it was a 3some. It's the prostitute/hooker part that bothered me.

33girl, I've been thinking about myself 15 years ago and althought I never paid for sex, there are some things I would say I am embarrassed about. You are correct in that I am not the same person anymore and would hate to be judged by my actions then.

This whole thing with him being so brutally honest with me on this issue has forced me to really sit down and think about what I've been looking for in my life. I've always wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship where there were no lies. I always thought that would be pretty cool. I think I prefer to deal with the ugly truth no matter how hard it was as opposed to live in a lie being played as a fool. Ive been thinking about this a lot lately and realized I'm one of those people that prefers to know the truth than to live clueless.

Although I admit sometimes the truth has knocked me off my feet many times. . . I always bounce back. I think I prefer it that way. I read somewhere once that knowing the truth gives one the choice to decide how to proceed with that information, as opposed to not having a choice at all because one believes a lie. (If I decide to stay or leave - it's my choice. He does not get to make the choice for me by telling me a lie and thus resulting in me staying.)

I would not stay with someone while holding something against him. Punishing him like that would make us both miserable. Plus I do appreciate his honesty. I realize most men would have lied or denied.

I decided I'm going to keep getting to know him. I considered his good qualities and what I am looking for. Amongst other thinngs, he is a really nice man who goes to church and does community service like me. That's where we met - doing community service. He did not go to church 15 years ago. He said that thing in Mexico was a one time thing, he did not do it again and most importantly he never wanted to do it again. He claims that's not who he is anymore. He also protected himself (the test results we took before we had sex with each other revealed all negative). Presently he desires a 1-on-1 relationship (no 3somes!) where there are no lies/secrets. Can I handle that? I think it's worth a try because I've had the opposite in a relationship where there are too many lies and that was no fun.

I figure if red flags start popping up, then I know he's not the guy for me. But if telling the truth about his past (past = before me) is the worst he's got - even if it was what it was - I should be fine. I do believe people can change after 15 years. I prefer that he keep on being honest with me and not try to lie to me even if it is about his past.

Anyway, I greatly appreciated your opinions. It did help me to sort my thoughts out. And yes, AKA_Monet, I also think it's funny (for lack of a better word) that I posted this on GC Dating and Relationships ;-) Thanks GC

Sounds like you've done your own soul-searching and I applaud your efforts of reaching a resolution to your situation.

I caution you to also know that in serious relationships, those issues that only scratch will gnaw over time. While you could trust him implicitly, can you trust him around other "highly attractive" women? Do you know if he can "only have eyes for you"? The question for you is about YOUR TRUST! Not his, because he is confident when trusting you...

See! There you go again! lol

Yes, you bring up very valid and real points. Only time will tell. It has only been 8 months. So far, he has not shown me any reason to distrust him in any way whatsoever, even around other "highly attractive" women. He "only has eyes for me" which is something I really like about him. One of the reasons I was so surprised by the story he shared with me is b/c he is not a person I would think would ever do what he did 15 years ago. But I realize that's me knowing him today, not me knowing him 15 years ago. Today, he is a very grounded, responsible person who has his priorities in order. It has only been 8 months and only time will tell if the person he is today is really who he is or if that person from 15 years ago still comes out from time to time.

Another issue I hadn't considered before: your man likes how he is around you. He told you these comments to see if it will freak you out. There could be more freaky things--but don't ask. Let it come out over time. The more comfortable he feels in sharing, the more he trusts you. Let him be the open book...

idied @ sitchoassdownsomewhere.
Hey, snoopy can get angry even if snoopy shouldn't have snooped. Shoot I would. lol. Now whats stupid is the snoopies who get angry when they don't find anything. :confused: Wheretheydothatat?

Glad to see that she's giving the guy a chance. My question would be why did he have to pay for the nookie? I get that it was a 3 some, but with the world wide interwebz and all the horny freaknasties out there he had to pay for it? idk.

:eek: Damn!

8 months isn't long, so yeah it's "wonderful" right now, but it's about feeling the same way about the relationship LONG after the newness has worn off. The fact that you have questions tells me you're not happy. He won't be happy if you're not happy. To me, a relationship is not about finding someone to make me happy, it's more about learning to make her happy. It's not about "getting" as much as it is about "giving". You have to make each other happy. IMO.

Also, how you see yourself determines who you will be with long term and happy with. If you have low-self esteem and don't have a positive and healthy regard for yourself, you will settle for anyone who shows any interest in you.

Long story short, you might want to bounce, roll, and skate the hell on out of this one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBCfoO2_U98

^^^Only your post would come with a soundtrack. :rolleyes: :p

Because this was 15-20 years ago, when the Internet was anywhere nearly as developed as it is now. Back then you had AOL, CompuServe and Prodigy and that was about it.

This being 15-20 years ago doesn't explain why he paid for sex. He could've relied on good old fashioned charm to get two women. I know that the internet wasn't as developed then. That was a joke.

Yes. It's insanely easy to walk your way into a threesome. What a quitter, resorting to cheap Mexican labor. What is he, an American manufacturing company?

Funny you should say that. One of the things he claims to love about being with me is that he can be himself and we can talk about anything. He obviously trusts me. I'm sure if I just sit back and listen, he will reveal himself to me in time. That's the case with everybody as long as we really LISTEN.

You are absolutely 100% correct. But this does not apply to me.

Ok, I admit this was funny.

The guy you're with has to look like shit if he had to pay for sex in this day and age.

It was 15 years ago.

I know, and 15 years ago it was pretty simple to get a piece of ass. If he had to pay for it, more likely than not, he looked like shit. A threesome isn't hard to participate in, even 15 years ago.