When Defriending Hurts !!
 

(CNN) -- If you harbor a bit of angst over Facebook friend requests gone unanswered, a surprise "defriending" or being deserted by your Twitter followers, you're not alone.

Elaine Fogel has amassed more than 500 connections on LinkedIn, a professional networking Web site, by extending invites to those who appear to fit her wide array of career interests.

"Ninety-nine percent of the time, people just say yes," she said.

But then came "this one woman" who Fogel encountered on one of the 40-plus discussion groups she belongs to on LinkedIn. The woman offered interesting opinions, so Fogel sent her an invitation to join her network.

"She sent an e-mail saying, 'I only connect with people I know, and hopefully our paths will cross one day,' " said Fogel, of Phoenix, Arizona, her voice still carrying notes of disbelief. "I read that, and I said, 'Oh, my God, I've been rejected.' "

Fogel echoes other users who have felt the twinge of hurt and surprise from social media rejection. Some may think hers is an overreaction -- it happened online, with a woman she didn't know -- but recent research shows that our "digital egos" can bruise as easily as we do in person. In fact, rejection online may have the potential to sting even more.

"People tend to think that these relationships are trivial and not very deep, but this is what we're moving towards, having a lot of our communications play out over the Internet," Purdue University social psychologist Kip Williams said. "That's the way it's becoming; this is how we interpret our worth. People care how many [online] friends they have."

Or, increasingly, how many Twitter followers they have. This year, a third-party service launched Qwitter, which allows Twitter users to determine who's stopped following them and which tweet may have turned them off.


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What can I say. I typically only "friend" relatives and a few very longtime friends. Why? Because I know too many people that God knows what they might write. Being that it's posted for the world to see (even with the privacy tools), there are some things I just don't want the world to know.

I have one friend who is in her 60s and I nearly need to police everything that she posts on my wall. Even when she is commenting on a picture, I never know what she will write.

I have differing rules based on the platform. For LinkedIn I used to accept any invites (can't hurt to connect, right?) but started being more selective as time went on. Now I accept those that I know, have connections in common, or sometimes those who work where I used to work. I try to keep it to people who I know or those who may be able to help me later on. I've started de-connecting with some because they weren't people I would ever turn to. Some employers will also look at LinkedIn profiles to see who you know and what they say about you, so it's usually in your best interest (IMHO) to not be connected with every random person that requests it.

For Facebook I only friend people I know. At first I was hesitant about accepting family requests (I joined Facebook back when it was still for .edu email addresses only) because it just seemed like an odd intrusion. I got over it and accepted my dad's invite a week later :D I did defriend one uncle because he was making really frustrating comments on my pictures and posts. He made fun of my dog, my wedding pictures, etc. I finally gave up and removed him, I don't need that kind of drama on my Facebook page. I use it to keep in touch with college friends, reconnect with some from high school, and see what coworkers/former coworkers are up to. Although the coworker thing can get tricky sometimes.

And same with Twitter- only people I really know. But I barely update there, so it doesn't matter as much!

LOL @ Qwitter - its really that deep!

I've had sorors defriend each other over silly mess. Whatever happened to oaths and what not?

I'm trying to be more selective with my social networking but the need to be e-liked just takes over every time. sigh.

Sometimes with facebook it hurts a little because I try to only friend people that I actually know. I've actually started going through my list and if their face only comes to mind because of the picture (and sometimes I still don't recognize the picture) I let them go. When a chapter sister defriends me, though, that's tough.

Other than that, twitter and linkedin don't bother me. People's networks change, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't unfollow or de-connect with anyone, because I do it all the time.

I have actually have gone thru and purged off folks who don't post (or post a little too much on my wall for my liking) and have gotten feedback from them because they 'lurk'. Either way, I don't care, if you are on and don't use it or just there to be nosey, you aren't any use to me. I am thinking about simply cutting down access to my pages to a select few because I have some things coming up in life that some folks don't need to know about and if I choose to post it to the page, then there are certain folks I don't want to know 'everything'.

I have had so far may be 2 or 3 people defriend me and in both cases, they were people who I dind't know all that well so no biggie, but if it was one of my best friends, then I may have to call them up....LOL

I was actually discussing this with some friends the other day. I go through my facebook every few months and defriend people whose name I don't immediately recognize, usually people I haven't seen since I graduated a few years back and wasn't that close with in school, or randoms from high school. But while I was doing this, I noticed that a girl I met last year through mutual friends had de-friended me, and she always had up entertaining pictures I looked at (I'll admit I'm a fbook stalker;)). I was pretty disappointed! The only other time I've been de-friended (that I'm aware of) was after I put up a status that must've insulted a girl I went to high school with.

That is a pretty classy way to ding someone. I think I'm going to steal it.

I am pretty selective too. I only friend people that I know and like. Folks who will probably know my business anyway, because I tell them IRL. I have a bunch of friend requests that I have not responded to for just that reason. I think I might steal that lady's response too.

Also, ultimately, I am very selective about what I share. If my toenail rots and falls off (lol), I am not going to post about it. I don't like people to know about the matters that are truly personal and private to me.

I have chosen to defriend folks before. Most of the time, they were folks that I never should have friended in the first place. I think that I have been defriended too, but I couldn't tell you by whom. So I guess that doesn't matter much.

you know! the one person who defriended me (that i was aware of), i only knew because i tried to post on their FB wall and i could only get to their limited page. turns out they started a new page with an alternate name. apparently i wasnt included in the carryover, but turns out i was one of MANY who didnt make the cut.

its cool, i didnt like her anyway!

I'm a facebook fanatic but I definitely don't do this. I only realize I've been defriended if I go to look at the person's page. I do remember the days when facebook was brand new and I'd always check my # of friends though, mostly because not many people were on it then.

Qwitter??? lol its that serious?! wow. i notice from time to time that my fbk friends number goes up and down but i never cared enough to check who it was. too much work.

People are strange.

Guess what? Some of us have significant others, family members, and close friends who are on facebook but aren't on our friends list.

And...somehow...no one gives a shit.

What if you did like her, though? LOL. Would it be that serious?

A guy that I went to HS and college defriended me - I sent him a message and asked what was up. He said that some of my friends had been writing "inappropriate things" on my page and that he was worried about his kids seeing it. At first I thought, awww, how dadlike - then I thought about it AGAIN and realized the friends posting inappropriate things were people he was ALSO friends with, who had the same if not worse on their pages!! So I just put him on block so I can pretend he doesn't exist. We have had a very weird relationship over the years - he's either the sweetest guy on earth or treats me like something on the bottom of his shoe. I have the feeling he's always wondering "will this social interaction cause me to be seen positively?" He's James Spader in Pretty In Pink, basically.

My first 'crush' from kindergarten won't accept me as a 'friend' on FB....pisses me off as I can see he is friends with others that go back to elementary school...I tried twice and then wrote him off. On the other hand, I've had a 'suggested friend' of a girl I was once on cheer with. I hated her then and will not friend her now. I've also had to 'hide' a couple of friends public comments as I too am friends with my daughter and some of the stuff these guys write are waaaay out there. I don't want her seeing what he posts. It's for fun for me, a way to keep in touch and follow peoples' lives.

If this referring to what I posted, his kids are around 6 and 4. They don't have FB.

I have curbed my urge to be saucy with an old friend as his daughter's on his friends list.

I only friend those people I know. I've denied lots of people I don't know (or know and don't like). However, if I fall out with a friend, I don't "defriend" them on the off-chance we may reconcile.

I don't see why anyone would take offense from being denied by someone they didn't even know. That doesn't change who you are, it just means they don't know you! :confused:

I have told my daughter and her friends who have friended me on Facebook that I could, at any time, make my page adults only and defriend them, just so they know. I have a cousin who unfriended me and that's fine with me. He said something at a wedding this summer that everytime he logs in his whole news feed is me cuz I'm on a lot and his other friends aren't. Doesn't matter to me that he unfriended me.

I'm amazed that I get friend requests from people I don't know. I just click "ignore." I do think my son and daughter-in-law may be uncomfortable with me as a friend, seeing all their posts. They seem to have quit posting after I friended them - heck, I'm on there more than they are! I feel like telling them it's OK if they want to un-friend me.

I put a disclaimer on my profile that states I defriend for any reason or no reason at all, and that thems are the breaks.

I'm not saying that you do this, but while I don't mind my boyfriend's mom and stepdad knowing what I put on facebook (I tend to save the expletive-riddled updates for Twitter), I hate that every time I post a status my boyfriend's mom "likes" it.

I could post "just snorted a line of coke and am on the highest high of my life right now" and she'd click the like button. Really? The stuff I post on facebook is not that interesting. You don't need to like everything.

LOL awesome.

One of my FB "friends" defriended me, but it was a former coworker who I was never super close with so I didn't take it to heart. I've also gotten some out-there requests to friend people I've never heard of; usually I just put them on Ignore and they go away. A few of the more skeevy- looking ones, though, I've actually blocked.

I will refuse requests, and sometimes, I accept them and then delete them a few days later. And the others, I pick and choose what I show.

Regarding family members, kids or people you work with - you can create "Friend Lists" and determine what people see. For example, I have some cousins that I prefer not see everything I put up, but who would get really pissy should I not have accepted their request. So I put it that they can't see updates/wall posts or pictures that other people tag me in.

As for different groups of people, I may choose to hide certain profile info. It's worked out pretty well for the most part.

Aaaaallll of my older family members are on limited profile: parents, aunts, uncles, older cousins, whoever. No seeing the wall, no looking at pix unless I authorize. They're pretty much limited to my info and family photos.

Being "friends" with my manager has definitely made me think twice about what I post. Then again, I never posted anything as bad as this about my work:

http://tastybooze.com/2009/08/facebook-fail/ :D

Also, I friended my big whom I had lost touch with. She accepted. Then, a couple of months later, I saw that facebook was suggesting that I become friends with her. I always wondered why she defriended me. A few weeks ago, she sent me a friend request. Seems kind of bipolar to me.

She might have added a lot of people to play sorority life or mafia or something and then pruned them off...and got you accidentally...but I'd think she'd tell you if she made a mistake like that. Unless she's really embarrassed about playing SL or MW.

I just went through my friends list and got rid of about 20-30 people. They were mostly people I have never met, but know people I know, as well as former coworkers from years ago. The problem is, the people I don't know never once introduced themselves or posted on my wall, and these certain people I used to work with never communicate, despite their seeking me out, and my initiating contact.

If all you want to do is keep tabs on me, then buh-bye. I don't need 500 "friends". While I appreciate the power of networking, I don't believe in just keeping connected in case something would come of the connection.

My mom friended me on FB a couple of months ago. At first it was kinda weird, then I realized that FB is just a method of keeping in touch with friends and family. I haven't lived with my mom in 6 years and FB helps us stay connected on a daily basis. However, I put my more vulgar friends on notice and have deleted some of their crass comments.

Since becoming a pledge and friending half of the chapter, I monitor my FB hardcore. I don't take pictures with alcohol, I rarely complain or swear in my status updates or comments and I make sure to use decent grammar and punctuation. It's not too much of a stretch considering I'm pretty conservative to begin with, but I figure why jeapordize my pledge process because of something so stupid?

As far as defriending people, I only friend people I know (except with SL) so I never had to defriend a close contact. I've hidden feeds before because a couple friends overwhelmed my homepage, but never defriended.

(But seriously, a whole thread about defriending people?)

Your perception might change once you are out in the "real world" and have several worlds colliding on your FB. People from different areas of your life - HS, college/sorority, family, online-only friends, co workers from several different jobs, people in your neighborhood, hobbies/clubs, church friends, etc.

When you're in college, you pretty much have your friends from home, your college friends, and family - IRL and online. The lines tend to blur when people on your friends list have varying levels of familiarity. Also, people change over time. Someone you are really close with right now might end up becoming someone you don't want to be part of your online reality. You might choose to hide some people from appearing on your wall, you might block some people from seeing your pictures or updates, etc. And yes, you might defriend people.

Those of us who didn't grow up on the internet tend to still maintain those barriers we have built up over time. Some things, we let our family in on, some things, we wouldn't want a coworker to know. Pre-internet, it was easier to manage those identities. If we want to be part of the online world, we need to tools to keep the same sense of compartmentalization.

This is a bit of a longshot, but is it possible that the original friend request occurred during one of FB's famous upgrades? Each time that they alter/uprgade their layout, I get all sorts of glitches happen. This includes a friend request where my friend had access to (and appeared on) my wall and profile, yet I did not have access to her profile at all. I kept getting the "only certain people have access to this profile and you must friend her first" message. This was a "real" friend so there was no privacy issues, and via email we kept laughing at what was happening. She even kept writing on my wall "Are we friends yet?"

Once the few days passed, and there weren't those annoying glitches, then I sent her another request and everything showed up the second time.

33's idea is also plausible.

I guess I don't understand why you'd add these people in the first place. The only thing I've done remotely like that is add this guy that my pen pal knows - she suggested him because he does really good movie reviews.

I just want FB to shut up about how Mark only has 10 friends or I haven't connected with Carolyn in a while. MYOB, Facebook.

The worst for me is that it keeps suggesting friends that have passed since the creation of their facebook profile.

It'd be great if that stopped.

I do a bit of acting locally, and they were people who I didn't know personally, but with whom I shared mutual "friends". I initially accepted them for networking reasons, but after after 6 months or a year of no introduction or contact, I decided to get rid of them. From now on, I am being more selective of whose requests I accept. I get about 20 requests a week, but only keep about 250 "friends". Some people in the industry thrive on having over 1000 friends, but I don't need to collect names.

I agree with you on the suggestions to contact people. It's annoying!

I've added two people that I didn't know but were friends of DoctorD's. One of them, a guy she went to high school with, has a hilarious sense of humor and we found ourselves hijacking her status comments with long, humorous dialogues. One day, he sent me a friend request and said "you're frickin' hilarious, can we be friends?". Since then, we've gotten to know each other through messages and status updates, etc. His girlfriend, who also went to high school with DoctorD and is one of her friends is also a friend of mine now. We have also gotten to know each other pretty well through private messages and chat. I hope that the next time I visit DoctorD, I can meet these two as well. They are a lot of fun and seem like really good people. The bonus for DoctorD is, we don't hijack her status comments all the time anymore :)

I am older than you may realize, and I'm not part of the recent generation that has grown up on the internet. I have many people on my FB including coworkers from 2 jobs ago, friends from high school (5 years ago), people from my fraternity and people I work with on school group projects. I'd say my network is pretty diverse, but if one of those people chooses to defriend me on a social networking website, I don't get upset about it (unless it were a close friend or family member). They did it for whatever reason, and I have other ways to get in touch with them if I need to.

It's a social networking tool. It's a method to stay in contact with people that is easier than calling or writing. As a result, it's easier to discontinue those relationships. Yes, there are hurt feelings but I don't see a difference between defriending someone and never calling or writing, except that defriending is more immediate and obvious.