Asking daddy's permission before proposing
 

Maybe I'm too modern, but I would have been totally and completely offended had either of my husbands asked my father for permission. My father did not own me once I turned 18. I was my own person making my own decisions. My father should have NO SAY in who I choose to marry. The man controlled every aspect of my life as long as I lived in his home. As soon as I was out, no way, no how was he going to have any say in how I lived my life.

I am with you on this one. Mainly because my parents split when I was 7 and my dad and I have had an on an off relationship (mostly off) most of my adult life (and it has been off for the past 8 years and I don't see any sign of it being on ever again)

Had I had a good relationship with my father, I would NOT require FH to ask my dad (I'm grown dammit), but it would have been a sweet gesture

FSUZeta, congrats to your daughter! Have you been taking notes of what not to do from the MIL thread? :D

I should clarify.

I didn't necessarily mean they should ask for permission. I do, however, think it is respectful to give the parents a bit of a heads up that you are going to propose. I'm sure it depends on the parents too.

Ok, end of hijack. Congratulations again!

I've expressed to my current boyfriend (and possible future husband) that if he were decide to propose, asking my father is a must and I'd be really disappointed if he didn't. I have a great relationship with both my parents and I just think it's a nice gesture that shows respect. Pls I'm confident my parents would be absolutely thrilled, because they love him. My boyfriend was brought up that asking the father is a given, so he has no problems with my request.

I know you're technically asking permission but I think it's also a heads up and like I said, respect. I'm not sure what I'd do if my parents said no and he asked anyway. I do know someone whose fiance asked her father to marry her, the father said no (apparently his girlfriend's family is well off and his family is not, but by no means poor), and he proposed anyway. He told his girlfriend what her father had said and she flipped out and married her boyfriend regardless of her dad's opinion.

Anyway, back to the main topic, congrats FSUZeta to your family!! I'm jealous your daughter got to have a candle pass. It's such a beautiful ceremony that I've only seen performed once in my chapter and I loved it.

I'm down for the heads up and maybe asking my dad on advice how to pick a ring (although my dad has excellent taste in jewelry so this may be why) but as far as asking permission - I didn't ask his permission to move halfway across the country and move in with a guy - I don't see where asking permission is necessary.

However, I'm from the North. And I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. And I'm a bra burner.

ETA:

FSUZeta, congratulations! You sound way cooler than my potential mother in law! ;)

Not to drag out the hijack, but my mother would be so disappointed in me if I didn't ask for permission first. I do, however, see it as more of a respect thing and less of a permission thing. If he said no it would absolutely not stop me from proposing. FWIW, if my significant other did not have a good relationship with her father I would still probably ask her mother (if they did not have an equally distant relationship).

Anyway, congratulations!

what??? it's not about ownership. the young man was asking permission to propose to our daughter, and promising to love her, and treat her well and with respect-things that most people promise in their wedding vows. it was totally up to her to accept or decline his proposal, with no explanation due to us at all.

i have an idea-why don't you folks who are offended that my future son-in-law spoke to my husband about proposing to our daughter, create a new thread and go over there and bash away. i have tried to be tolerant, but honest to goodness, you have taken over this thread and the point of the thread was to share some happy news.

I was referring to my own situation, not yours at all. People should do what is right for them. In my situation, it would have offended me. I didn't generalize that to anybody else. I am sorry that you took it that way.

In my family (I'm Italian), that's the way it's done. It's a matter of respect to the father. My husband drove 2 hours in a snowstorm to ask my dad in person. Of course, my dad, knowing his daughter, laughed and said "well it's really up to her", but appreciated the gesture wholeheartedly. And it makes for a lovely story! And I have to say, many years later, my dad still calls my husband "son".

I've never thought of it as asking for dad's permission so much as asking for his blessing.

In my case, I just made sure I knew what my (now) wife wanted, and it was very clear that, because of her close relationship with her father, she wanted to me to ask him for her hand, not tell him that we were getting married. So I did, and as I said in the other thread, my wife still enjoys remembering his reaction.

When it's my daughter's turn, as long as I think she's making a good match, I won't lose any sleep at all if he doesn't ask me, nor will I take offense if he does. I'll be happy as long as he does what makes her happy.

:eek:

I think I would like my future husband to ask my dad. My dad is a bit old fashioned when it comes to those things...I know that my dad asked my grandpa when he wanted to propose to my mom. Although he knows that he obviously can't prevent me from marrying someone, I think he would be a little bit offended if he wasn't asked first. Like someone said before, I think it's just a nice, respectful gesture, and I know that it would mean a LOT to my dad. It's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen, though.

Did a mod split this off from the other thread?

Anyway, in the future if I decide to get married I probably would ask for the parents blessing, though of course it will be her choice. I is a respect thing, and I don't want my new family hating me off the bat.

For me, I feel like it would be more of a heads up, like hey, I'm going to ask WC to marry me. I've expressed to my current bf and will express to anyone else who comes along that I want my parents to be with me when I am proposed. My family is really close so it would be really awesome if they were there, however I know this is not the case for a lot of families.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ASKING FOR PERMISSION!

I told my husband to ask my father's permission. I would've married him regardless of what my dad said (even though I knew my dad would be very happy) but it's just a nice and customary thing to do. It's tradition. Like Kappamd said, it's not really asking permission. It's more of a heads up.

Every friend of mine who has been recently engaged had their fiance ask their father permission. My sister got engaged in August and my future brother-in-law asked my dad. Maybe it's a southern thing but I'd be shocked if I found out that a guy did not ask his fiance's father for his daughter's hand.

In my day, it was about asking permission. Even so, my relationship with my father at that point in my life was awful. As I said, he "owned" me until I went away to college. He was very controlling of everything and I had intense dislike for him at the time that my first husband proposed to me. I don't think my dad even met my second husband until after we had discussed marriage and looked at rings. I think that life stage, the closeness of the relationships and the personal beliefs of the individuals involved are all important factors in deciding whether or not this would be the right thing to do.

For me, personally, I think I would be upset if anybody else knew that he was proposing before I knew. It's such a deeply personal and important decision. What if a man talked to your father and proposed in front of your family and you didn't want to marry him? That seems like it would be incredibly awkward. And, I really enjoyed being the person to tell my mom. It would have been weird to call her and say "I'm engaged!" and have her say "I know". I dunno, it just doesn't fit with who I am.

I think it makes sense for some people. For me, I didn't have a bad relationship with my dad but I also wasn't close to him when I got married. If my husband had talked to him first, I think it would've shown that he didn't know me.

I also didn't have my dad walk me down the aisle. He was crushed, but for me personally (no problem with others doing it) I don't like the feeling of being given away as property. I know that's not what it means anymore, and not what most people see in it. But personally I didn't want it. So I had both sets of parents walk down the aisle and get seated right before the wedding party, then I walked myself.

But... to each her own. And I also am from the northwest, which tends to not really follow tradition and such. In the south and east where the communities are more established, I think it would be a different story.

Some of us feel like our hand figuratively and literally belongs to us. :)

[ETA Disclaimer: I'm VERY close to my father...and VERY close to my mother.]

I don't agree with the belief that a woman leaves her "father's house" and goes to her "husband's house." Many people do, even if they have less blatant ways of articulating it. I much more understand the couple going to both sets of parents and saying "hey, we're talking marriage...we want to include you in this process...although, we're getting married regardless of your opinion...and don't give us hell during this process or you'll lovingly get cussed out." :)

But, I don't slam those who think the man asking the father's "permission" is a necessary custom. I just don't consider it to be necessary for my life and circumstances. I think that many couples that discuss marriage already have an idea of how welcoming their familes are to the other person/idea of marriage. Some parents will be like "okay...we figured as much...duh...you're grown...welcome to the family...just propose and get married already."

I'm kind of with AGDee... I wanted to be the one to tell people, and not have the response be "Oh, we knew all along." That would have been a HUGE buzzkill for me. I also felt that marriage was one of the most adult decisions a couple could make, so asking the parents' permission seemed counterintuitive. I'm really close with my parents, so it's not an issue with them at all, but they also knew that if any guy came asking them for my hand before he asked me, that he might get the answer he wanted from them, but wouldn't get it from me.

:eek: lol lol lol hilarious! :p

That's the way I see it. Anything I do in my life, I do without my parents' permission (trust me, I have done plenty of things without it). I am an adult and what I do is my choice. But anything in life is easier when the people you love are behind you. If it's something huge like getting married, I would do what I want but feel infinitely better if my parents approve, especially my dad. But that's the relationship I have with my parents, many people don't need or want it and that's okay. Asking the father for the daughter's hand may not be for everyone, but it'd be something I would like. Plus, my dad is totally old school and likes to feel important. He knows I'm not really "his" to give away, but the act of it would...oh lord, he'd eat it up. :rolleyes:

When my boyfriend and I started to talk more and more about getting married, my mom let me know that she wanted him to ask for her blessing. I also wanted that, first because I think it's a lovely tradition, and second because I believe that a marriage is about more than just the couple. Anyone who has been unfortunate enough to have in-laws that didn't understand boundaries or who couldn't get along with the son/daughter-in-law knows that well. A marriage is the joining of families, and when you're as close to your family as I am, you care a great deal about whether they like and respect you.

I am 31 years old and yet I told my fiance he needed to ask my mother for her blessing before he proposed to me. Not only was it a sign of respect for my mother (who is one of the strongest women I know and who has sacrificed a great deal for me), but it also gave my mom a chance to have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him/ask him a few things she felt was important. I knew my mom loved him and that she would be so happy and excited, but I also knew she felt it was her responsibility to bless our marriage as the single mother who raised me. He wasn't "asking permission," she was giving him her best wishes for us as we start our own family.

And a year from now, when I walk down the aisle of our church, my mom will be the one giving me away.

This is something that, for me, is split.

I haven't spoken to my FATHER since I was a teenager. The last time I saw him I was 17 and he was dropping my sister off at my mom's with all of her belongings to come live with us. (It's a long ugly story).

Now, the man I consider my dad--the man who, when he came to my class last week I said to my students, "My daddy is coming up here and ya'll better not act a mess." Whomever is lucky enough to want to marry me will be expected to ask him for permission and blessing.

For me, it's a passing of the responsibility sort of thing. My step-dad has really raised the bar for the men in my life. He is a man who never had or wanted any children and inherited a pair of 13yr olds when he was in his 50s. He has done things for me and been there for me in a way I never knew a person would be willing to do. Since he's not technically my dad, I see it as "he doesn't have to do the things he does", but he does them because he loves us. When I am in severe crisis mode, he is always the first person I call. Almost a year ago, a guy I really cared about dumped me. I had to go to student teaching the next day. While trying like hell not to cry, all I could think was, I want to go to my mom's and sit with my step-dad.

When I marry someone, it will be much like passing the baton. And, I want the man who wants to marry me and my step-dad to have that conversation.

whew - this thread is making me a bit teary...

I think it just boils down to each person and her relationship with her dad/mom/parents. Personally, I told my (now) husband that I didn't want him to ask my dad for permission (the thought of that rubs my liberal, feminist, bra-waving heiney the wrong way), but I did want him to ask for my dad's blessing. I think of it more as an acknowledgment that I'm not a piece of property and I can do as I see fit, but that my dad (and mom) were saying by giving their blessing that they recognized the commitment my fiance (husband) and I were making and agreed to give support and guidance (when asked). :)

This made me smile. :) One of my best friends was going to get married and her dad was still in her life, but barely. She has 4 brothers and each would be positioned along the aisle so that they could walk a quarter of the way with her until she got to the altar. I thought that was neat.

My parents are both gone now, but I think if a guy had asked them for my hand they would have said "are you SURE this is the man for you and you won't eat him alive?" I mean, my mom pointed out that I like dudes who look like gangsters.

I agree with the buzzkill factor of anyone (except maybe the clerk at the jewelry store) knowing before you do.

Aww, that's beautiful! :)

My husband asked my father for my hand, but not before we were already engaged. It's easier to get forgiveness than permission, after all. ;) My father was opposed to my dating non-Catholics, and he certainly didn't want a non-Catholic son-in-law and potentially non-Catholic grandchildren - so if the deed weren't already done, I can pretty well guarantee he would have said no. (And we'd have gotten married anyway. ;) )

To me, the whole "asking her father for permission" thing is antiquated. Women are not the property of their fathers or their husbands.

Same applies for the father walking the bride down the aisle and giving her away. When I first heard of that tradition, I was appalled. I immediately decided that if the officiant at my wedding were to ask my father, "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" I would snap, "I can damn well give myself. Who's giving HIM away?" while pointing at the groom. (To be fair, I was about six years old at the time.)

Fortunately, in Jewish weddings, the groom's parents walk him down the aisle, the bride's parents walk her down the aisle, and there is no "giving away", so it was a non-issue. (Plus, my mother walked me down the aisle. My father refused to do any of the "father of the bride" stuff. He was too busy steaming over his "heathen" daughter and about-to-be-son-in-law.)

I respect those who choose to incorporate traditions like asking the bride's father for her hand in marriage - hey, it's tradition and it's their choice. I chose otherwise.

</soapbox>

I've always said that when I go to propose I'd meet with the parents before hand and basically "I love your daughter and plan to propose to her, and I'd like your blessing on our marriage" etc etc. It's just a respect thing IMO and I'm traditional like that anyhow. I've always been of the school of thought that says you should make a good impression on the parents so that they see you'll treat their daughter right. So far, I've been successful in that (the last girl I was courting seriously once invited me to her house to meet her mother, who told her I was a good man and she should date me. Alas, it didn't work out :().

I absolutely want my future husband to ask for my father's blessing and have my father walk me down the aisle. I guess it is your right to be offended at the history of those traditions, but to me I choose to see it as a nice tradition that speaks to the bond I have with my father. I don't take the historical implications too seriously.

I think it's really funny how aggressive people have gotten on both sides of this issue. Everyone is different. My husband didn't ask my father for my hand in marriage. I would have laughed in his face had he, but it never would have occurred to him to ask in the first place although we are both extremely southern. We were both medical school graduates and old enough to make our own decisions. My father and I have a good relationship, but my parents don't get to make my decisions for me, nor do they know enough about my husband or my relationship with him to make asking for their permission worthwhile even after being married to him for 7 years. From my experience, parents (or at least mine) tend to think they know how you should handle your business if they know too much about your business!

Welp, my husband was reared to the opposite, it was important to him to ask my father for my hand and I obliged him to do so. But then again we eloped, too because we wanted to. Oh well.

Eh...my husband did it and I was mildly upset about it until I realized that my husband asking my parents, well my Dad, had nothing to really do with me. It is more of a show of respect to his new in-laws. After I thought about it, I thought it was kinda sweet. At the end of the day, you are grown and you are going to marry whomever you choose.

Like I said, it's your choice if you want to honor those traditions. And it's great that you have such a close bond with your father.

In case it wasn't obvious ( ;) ) my relationship with my father is... uhh, let's just say "not good".

I prefer a more egalitarian approach. If a couple is going to ask one parent (the father of the bride) for permission, ask them all. The bride has a mother, right? The groom has parents? Why shouldn't they get a say? And that's totally leaving aside the permutations of step-parents, etc.

Agreed; it depends on the situation, how close the bride is to her parents, etc. I didn't realize people got so fired up about this, haha.

As I said in the other thread, I did talk to my father-in-law (and my mother-in-law) before I proposed. But, he and I are pretty close (he's like a second dad), so it was more to give him a head's up about what was going on. It was more of the "blessing" thing that MC had mentioned than asking for permission.

Aren't you and I about the same age?

And under these kind of circumstances, I can see exactly why you feel the way you do about it.
Exactly. That's why, for me, the issue was what my (now) wife wanted, not what her father or I wanted.

There are different ways of doing it. What I am used to is the couple deciding to get married and then asking the father/parents.

I proposed to my wife first. The next day, while we were at her parents house for Easter dinner, I waited until everyone had moved to the dining room except wife, her dad and me, and I asked him for her hand. (Yep, actually asked for her hand.) She was standing next to me, beaming (yeah, go figure :D), so it was clear that we were getting married and I was really asking for his blessing. But it mattered to my wife that we not just tell him we were getting married but that I ask him.

I didn't read this thread so I missed where people are aggressive and fired up about what other people do with their lives.

As with all opinions, people with different backgrounds share opinions. :) The line isn't being drawn between those who are close to their fathers and those who aren't.

I'm EXTREMELY close to my father (and mother). I talk to him like 3 times a day everyday. We crack each other up. Jokes galore.

BUT, I disagree with asking for a father's blessings (and parents' blessings, kinda) for marriage, and preferred an egalitarian approach if asking for blessings was deemed important.

While I agree that people feel strongly about their own personal situations regarding this issue, I've not seen anything I would call aggressive. See race threads and threads about homeless people for the aggressive comments!

Yes, MC, I think we are around the same age. Perhaps it was my culture (strong Italian heritage in a primarily Italian neighborhood) that makes me say that in my day it was about asking permission. Most girls I knew still went from their dad's house to their husband's house and it truly was asking permission. I have no idea whether my dad was hurt or upset that neither of my husband's asked his permission. I really don't care whether he was or not :) It never even dawned on me to consider it as a possibility until I read that other thread.