The Mom From Hell
 

Ok ladies, I have to vent!

I have a friend who has one child. She adores her daughter and has micro managed every step of the girl's life. I have seen her bully schools, teachers, and university admissions to get what she wanted for her daughter. The daughter happens to be a sweet kid. The mother has her quirks (mothering manipulation among them).

Daughter just finished an unsuccessful rush at a major, but not super competitive recruitment. The school, in order not to frighten off pnms wrote a Recruitment brochure that, according to my friend say that it was ok to wear cutoffs and flipflops to rush. If this is true...stupid. But to move on.

Daughter just wanted three sororities and was dropped first night. (I suspect that there were more cuts than that.) Now, Mom wants her daughter to go through spring rush. Or informal rush at only the top houses. BUT she wants a friend who goes to a midwestern university to call the chapter at the girl's university to demand that they see her and give her favored treatment.

She asked me (through my daughter) to do the same from her new sorority. I was so nice and explained that my daughter is a pledge and can't do that. In short, she is trying to bully the kid's way into the "right" house.

I tried to tell the Mom the unwritten rules of recruitment which she pooh poohed. I told the Mom that the kid needed recs which the University said was unnecessary for any house.

The list is going on. I feel horrible because the girl would be an asset to a house. But where is there a site for mothers who should butt out?

...............sorry I had to vent............We have been on the phone the past two days (her dime not mine) with what can the mother do now?

Thank you all for listening. I am going to watch something on Tivo.:)

Perhaps if you let the mother know that her behavior will HURT her daughter's changes - that chapters RESENT those who try to elbow their way in - it might make a difference. Maybe. A girl can dream.

That's what I was thinking.

I would be so mortified if I was known as "the girl with the crazy mom"!

I have sympathy for both the mom and the daughter. The mom has taken the "If I don't advocate for my sweet daughter, no one will" mantra and has warped it, not recognizing (or wanting to recognize) in her insecurity that she has done her daughter a disservice by not letting her fight some of her own battles and figure out what works/doesn't work. She has effectively told her daughter by her actions that she does not have enough confidence in her daughter's abilities to deal with the rough spots. Her interference with whatever the next step is will just confirm it even more for her daughter. Gees, she can't get away from mom no matter how far away she is! It is hard to let go, an empty nest can really suck. The daughter will have to be the one to tell her mother to knock it off, and she might not be ready to stand up and have that conversation with her mother yet. I admit, I would tell my friend to let it go, and that her interference, although well meant, could make things much worse, and what does her daughter want, not what does my friend want? Ehh, she would probably get teed off and hang up on me. OK, I will jump off my very tall soapbox now.

fwap...fwap..fwap

I hear the helicopter hovering.

I will start with: I am sorry for venting. The Mom means well, she does, but the pressure that she puts on her child...and all those around her is difficult. She wasn't happy for my daughter when she was accepted to her dream school. She certainly hasn't been happy for my daughter when she pledged. The mom feels that her daughter's success is a reflection on her abilities as a mother.

No, she won't back off. The "best" solution is to run down sororities in general and to try and convince her daughter's friends to depledge or not pledge.

So, tomorrow when we lunch (no I can't get swine flu...she'll bring chicken soup here) I'll have two glasses of wine and smile.

Is she like the friend that thinks that her friend's accomplishments somehow tarnish her own? Except for it's the mom?

I had a friend in high school who was great at everything she did. Her mom talked a lot of isht on all of her friends, myself included, whenever we accomplished something, because I guess somehow she felt like we diminished her daughter's star.

For the longest time, the daughter was so sweet (and mortified) when her mom did that. Unfortunately, my friend becomes more like her mother day after day. :(

This is exactly what she is like. Whether it is sports, academics, whatever....her daughter is the best. If not her daughter...her friends...Go on down the line.

Jealousy and envy do not make the best friends. And as agzg says, the daughter will most likely become what she has observed all her life. This is very sad for all concerned. How unhappy this woman must be.

This woman obviously doesn't care about her daughter's happiness at all, or she would have encouraged her to look at the groups that didn't drop her. She only wants to be able to say "little Zsa Zsa is a ABC at Blahblah U pledge."

If this woman is truly a friend that you want to keep in your orbit, you need to be blunt and tell her that her actions are ruining her daughter's chances not just for a happy rush but a happy life.

Oh boy, I feel for you. You are in a no fun situation. Deep cleansing breaths... And unfortunately, steamroller parents are everywhere. In this neck of the woods, they have elevated it to an art form. I feel sorry for the teachers, principals and coaches that have to deal with them.

Perhaps you should suggest that she come here for some sound advice. I am sure we'd be able to help. :)

Wow. Been out of the game for a while now, but when my daughter was in high school I saw many Moms like this.

Texas cheerleader Moms on steroids is all I can say. And I don't miss those days OR those Moms one bit.

Perfectly said. Absolutely Perfect.

It is very difficult to be "blunt" but sometimes harsh or hard words need to be spoken.

I wish you very good luck in this situation, and I'm still thrilled for your Delta Gamma daughter.

Unfortunately, this girl would NOT be an asset to any house because she is bringing her mother and all of her mom drama with her to the chapter! This young lady would do herself a service by learning to stand up to her mother NOW before mom ruins any more chances for her daughter. It sounds as if Dear Mother is ruining this girl's chance at membership in a GLO. I think it is a blessing if this girl didn't join a chapter! Can you imagine the headaches the advisors would have to face if this girl didn't get the office she ran for, didn't get the Little Sister she wanted, or God forbid, had to go to Standards?

I'm surprised this little blessing made it out of the house and away from mom's shadow long enough to move into the dorm! Imagine when she tries to get married!!! How many suitors will Mummy run off before someone is brave enough to ask for Bitsy's hand??

Well, some of you know my friend. She told me Little Bibsy (LOVE the name) won't be allowed to marry until she is 29. I looked at her and said, "Darling, the day she turned 18 she could get married. If you're smart you'll shut your mouth and enjoy the day." Mom disagrees with that assessment. As for letting her go to college: All Bibsy's life she's been told about going away to college. Bibsy got into a college that is walking distance, among others. Guess where she's going?

I think that kids go away for many reasons. Some can stay at home and be independent. I can talk to my friend, but she doesn't hear. I understand some of the whys, but life isn't always fair, kind or the way you want it. We'll see what happens, but I'm not calling nor is my daughter.

Boy, is mom gonna have egg on her face when Bibsy comes home with k.d. lang. Or Kevin Federline. LOL

LOL!

Bibsy wouldn't DARE come home with anyone that wasn't what I call, Braggable. Incidentally, uber Mom thinks that we are wrong to "let" our daughter date her boyfriend of 4 years. Why? He will never have to work for a living. Ergo, more Braggable rights. (And what I think about their relationship isn't being shared. I learned many things from my MIL. I do the opposite of what she did...I keep my mouth shut.)

Hey, who knows, maybe at some point Bibsy will put her big girl panties on and declare her independence from Mom. But in the process she might get a bit rebellious and do things to drive her social trotter of a mother up the wall, like get a boyfriend "from the other side of the tracks", color her hair the shade her mom least likes, give Kat von D a run for her tattoo money... And then of course her mother will ask, "How could she do this to me? After all I have done for her!"

I know a mom and daughter like this - where the mom was unbelievably pushy in regards to daughter, including a famous incident where she showed up at an elementary school teacher's house to complain about the grade her daughter was getting (make note - ELEMENTARY, like grades matter at that point :rolleyes:).

Anyway, her perfect daughter (who really is sweet, just has an infamously pushy mom) went off to college and had a complete meltdown. She ended up making some REALLY bad decisions which led her to having to come home spring semester and transfer to another school in the fall, where, thankfully, for her sake, she is doing much better.

It was a tremendous comedown for the whole family, and it has changed the mom - humiliating issues do that.... She and her daughter have a different relationship now, with the daughter exerting more control over her life. - Maybe, hopefully, your friend's mother/daughter relationship can make a change as well - and hopefully, it doesn't take a meltdown to do it.

Sometimes the daughter telling the mom to butt out, will make zero difference.

Oh gosh, we had this mother at one of our chapters! The daughter, very sweet but very intimidated by her mother, was a legacy and we pledged her. The mother, who lived 4 hours away, rented herself an apartment in the college town for the entire 4 years the daughter was in school. During the 2 years the daughter was supposed to live in the house, the mother wouldn't let her, had her live in the apartment with her and paid the room rent and board at the house too! Good thing the father made gobs of money. THey came to our Convention one year and the poor girl could not get more than 2 feet from her mother. They were leaving there and going to Europ efor 3 weeks - justmother and daughter. So sad....I wonder to this day what became of her....probably still tied to her mother...

Wow. Some people really need a hobby.

If it was that bad during the college years, can you imagine the poor girl (and husband) when she gets married? Even worse, when there are grandchildren?

Honestly, you've tried being nice. I'd be a bit harsher. Anyone else feeling the stage mom vibe? It's almost like the mom wants it more than the daughter.

Please, please, please tell me you made this up.

I cannot even wrap my mind around this. :eek:

Wish I was....I even still remember her name and where she was from and what her husband did (because I wondered how he could afford for the mom not to work and to live in the college town)...it was in the South, of course!

I cannot begin to describe how utterly pathetic this is on the mother's part. I wish you were making this up, too, but I know you can't be. I've got a friend who's definitely a helicopter mom with her 21-year-old daughter. After kvetching to me repeatedly and sometimes asking for advice that she never once really listened to, I finally told my friend not to discuss her "parenting" methods with me, because not only do I not agree with her running her daughter's life, but I also don't want to hear about it. We have found other things to talk about, and our conversations cause me much less stress now.

I know that sounds horrible, but I've been polite, I've been nice, and I've been blunt to the point of borderline rudeness when she repeatedly griped or asked about the same things, and she continues to behave the same way. The daughter is 21, and her life is in her hands- she can decide to stand up and run it herself, or to continue to allow her mother to take everything over.

I really hope ellebud's friend gets her head out of her butt, but if she doesn't, maybe the daughter will get her head out of the mother's butt. (I know, what a visual, but y'all get the idea.)

And the question naturally follows... What kind of marriage did they have? I cannot imagine going off for four years to babysit my college-aged daughter and leaving my husband at home alone to finance our "venture".

I love my daughter and am willing to make sacrifices for her, but not at the expense of my marriage.

(Still trying to wrap mind around this...)

You should have been there to see it in person! There were other components to it that I won't post here because it would start to narrow things down a bit and I don't want to do that. 'nough said what happened and that it was in the south....

What kind of leverage does mom think she has to get DD into one of her preferred chapters? It's not like she is an advisor or National Officer or big time donor to the foundation and is threatening to withdraw her support. What does she think she can do?

Informal recruitment at the top chapters? There are very few schools where top chapters do informal recruitment!

Chapters choose their own members their own way. "Top" chapters especially have to make lots of cuts in the first round and they have to find a reason to cut PNMs or talk themselves into feeling good about a reason to cut a PNM. PNMs get cut from top chapters all the time because there were more women that the chapter wanted, they're not as well known, or simply because they failed to impress. Now, if a PNM has an obnoxious mom bullying the chapter who has to cut lots of PNMs per RFM, she is absolutely going to get cut because the chapter will resent feeling like they have to take her, regardless of her actual merit.

Simply explain that her overinvolvement will be a detriment and ask her how she thinks she can get her daughter into a particular chapter.

What kind of leverage? The court system my dear. Her daughter was discriminated against. That was what she was threatening to do.

Things did work out in a sense. She did pledge a chapter (I can't say where or how) that met with her mother's approval. Now her daughter can "compete" with my daughter. I never have seen any of this as competition. But she has.

Please do not take this in the wrong way ellebud, but I wonder why you continue to maintain a friendship with this mother? In what way is this person a part of a healthy relationship/friendship in your life?

I have been in a friendship or two myself that have been somewhat like this and when I really felt like I had been through the ringer I looked at the so-called friendship. I realized it was not a friendship that went both ways and in no way was it healthy for me. They were hard to sever, but it is so much better now that I have moved on. I wish them well, but if it was not a healthy and positive friendship for me it was better to not be in it.

I hope the daughter is able to keep mom at a sufficient distance so as to have a good time with her Greek experience! If the daughter's happy, then good for her.

I bet we will be seeing her in a few years on the mother in law from hell thread!
Or a new poster on GC talking about a bitch on wheels helicopter mom

Ellebud, if you feel comfortable doing so, I would call the daughter directly and give her your very best, well-informed advice (assuming that she's still interested in pursuing membership in a GLO.) Tell her mom about it after the fact and make it seem like her idea. ;)

I hate to see otherwise nice girls punished for their mom's perfidies. A sorority membership might be just what this girl needs to help her stand on her own two feet.

Well...the good news: The young lady did pledge a house. I do not want to be to specific because it would send a beam of light on the girl. But I will say that the girl did not sue (her mother was ready to pursue litigation), she did informal and wound up in a house! (I am happy for her!)

Is this a top four house? No. But the girl is happy. The mom is somewhat appeased because it is not the bottom house. And to all of us who care desperately about our children and their happiness (and we all do I think): This is such a cautionary thread. If the daughter hadn't gone with her hallmate to a party she wouldn't have had this outcome. She was open and her mother (perhaps because my daughter said something pretty much on point to the mom) was sort of ok with the outcome.