What did I do wrong?
 

Recruitment for my school's sororities was this last weekend.
And I went in with an open mind on who I wanted to join. I didn't start forming opinions until day 2. During day 1, I thought I did really well with certain 3 houses (the conversation flowed, there wasn't any awkward silences). And it was because the conversation went really well that I ranked these houses as my top 3 (out of 6 sororities). But on day 2, I found out that I was only invited back to two sororities for house tours. Neither of those two houses were my top choices.

I was just wondering if there was anything I did wrong for my top choices to not pick me? I know it's a mutual selection. And it's not like I dressed inappropriately or talked about other sororities. I asked lots of questions, asked them about their sorority involvement, told them of my own involvement in school, etc.

Another note: on preference night, I was invited back to the sorority that I didn't feel any connection with. I went to preference night but I decided to drop out of recruitment afterward. But apparently they really liked me since one of their sisters personally called me and asked me to reconsider my choice and giving their house another chance. This made me feel really guilty because they were all really nice, I just didn't feel like I belonged there. I told them I wasn't going to join this semester but I'll keep an open mind for spring rush as well as next year.

You've answered your own question in the bolded text.

Well, my main question is... Why didn't they choose me? I know it's not appearance.

Do you attend a school where recommendations are accepted? If so, there may have been other PNMs with more compelling recommendations. Similarly, on many campuses, your high school transcript and resume are very important. If your grades in high school weren't super high, or you didn't commit yourself to extracurriculars, the sororities may have been more impressed with other women.

It also doesn't mean they intentionally "cut" you per se, they just didn't put you at the top the list. You could feasibly have been just one spot short of being invited back (I'm sorry if that makes you feel worse instead of better). Perhaps there were a large number of legacies, or PNMs that knew active sisters well.

As for spring rush, I would suggest meeting sisters in the various chapters and getting to know them. Truly hitting it off and becoming friends with someone is going to mean a lot more than a 20 minute rush conversation, and so they're more likely to pull for you.

And as for the group that did invite you back, I would really try to get to know them better. In my experience on both sides of rush, chapters often are better than PNMs at predicting good matches. I see women who are lukewarm entering chapters that are thrilled to have them, and a few months later they're never seen without letters.

Best of luck!

No one on Greek Chat can tell you why you were cut. I'm sorry, but that's the honest truth.

This.

But seriously, give the house who's interested in you another chance. As a member of a small chapter on campus I can tell you it was really hard to get past the perceptions rushees had (yes, I'm old). But I loved my house and we had all the sisterhood you'd ever want or need. Plus, you can be a step in them gaining the reputation you want to have in a sorority.

Talk to them, attend some events, and see if you don't change your mind in a couple weeks. Formal recruitment is so ridiculously stressful, and you can't help but put too much importance on stuff that SOOO doesn't matter. I mean girls will actually cut houses because of their chants. That is just silly, but understandable when you're trying to remember houses later, all those girls and the heat, blah blah blah, and that's what stands out.

Good luck!

No-one can answer this, not even the chapters on campus. The harsh reality is that you had an opportunity to be member of a sorority and you opted out. You concentrated on what you wanted to have instead of what you did have. You are doing the same now.

Take advantage of your opportunities now, or you will always wonder where those opportunities went, and why. It's a life lesson many people never learn, or learn too late.

They decided not to give you a chance just like you decided to not give a chance to the sorority that really liked you. The others just weren't into you, but no one on Greekkchat will be able to tell you exactly why.

I understand what you're saying. But isn't choosing the sorority supposed to be concentrating on what I want?

Also, I had a 3.86 high school GPA. I was ASB president and captain of the volleyball team. I was the main organizer for fundraisers of the charities our school supports. I volunteered at an animal shelter. I did school choir.

It's just a little confusing, and I admit that I am disappointed.

Aww someone's a poor sport for deleting what JC said.

I didn't delete anything. It wasn't me! -shakes head-

Its not just what you want. Its what the sororities want too. Hence, the "mutual" part of mutual selection.

It sounds like you are accomplished for your high school, but are you average compared to other PNMs going through? This is something to consider. There is a really good thread around here somewhere that talks about being in high school as a big fish in a little pond vs being a small or average fish in a big pond in college.

The membership selection process is private - very private. Noone can tell you why you were cut or what/if anything you did wrong. At this point, you've chosen not to be greek. You need to dust yourself off and move on, grow a little, and get adjusted to college. If after a semester or a year you still want to be greek and are willing to take on the risk of going through and getting cut again, then go for it.

That's the thing, it's not just about what *you* as a PNM want, it's what the chapters are looking for as well.

Chances are there were a hundred other women going through recruitment who have similar or better resumes. Despite good conversations, etc.. cuts have to be made. No one will ever be able to tell you why you were released. Not here and not on your campus. It is disappointing and humbling for many girls, but that's life. And there are no guarantees that the outcome will be any different if you choose to go through recruitment again.

Well, I'm going to try recruitment again. Thanks for the feedback. It was just weird because the chapter that invited me back was one I didn't feel any connection with. And I felt a connection with the others so I was just wondering if they didn't feel the connection with me.

Also, would it be wise to contact the president of the sorority I like to ask them if they have open recruitment later on?

Just a note from a mother who has had a daughter go through recruitment this year: The sentence, which other posters have picked up on is crucial: Isn't this supposed to be what I want? You know, my daughter may have "wanted" a pony, but she got a puppy. Then she had a choice: love the puppy or not have a pet. She picked the puppy. Life is not always about what you want, it is about what you get and how you handle the gift that you have received.

I am sorry that you are disappointed.

Oh, for the record, my example about my daughter in no way reflected on her recruitment. In case her sisters are reading this she was fortunate enough to get HER pony. But I now know several girls who didn't get the pony and are really happy with their choices.

Chapters generally want every PNM to want them, regardless of how the active speaking to the PNM or the chapter feels about a particular PNM.

Some chapters have a greater number of skilled conversationalists than others.

We really don't know why you were cut, because we were not there. And even if we were there, membership selection is private and we wouldn't share it anyway.

Trying again with a chapter who cut you after round 1 seems like a long shot to me. Unless almost everyone on your campus had recs and you didn't.

Has anyone ever gone into recruitment more than once and come out with a different result the second (or third) time?

Your greek life office is the appropriate place to ask about the chapters that participate in open recruitment. They will tell you how to proceed.

Maybe the actives who recruited you did feel a connection with you, but every other active may have felt a connection with other PNMs too.

Every year during Workshop week I give the same speech to our actives and only the numbers change. This year: "There are about 150 of you and Quota will be 70-80. If each of you has a "Rush Crush" or a good friend or a relative going through, then half of you are going to be disappointed."

If your college is a more selective college, then the problem is that even though you have incredible grades, activities, and positions, it is likely that every other PNM has the same level of grades, activities and positions. You all did get into the same school.

For example, if you are at at school where a person with a 2.5 GPA can enter, then the grades are going to range from 2.5 all the way up to 4.3 women who got scholarships. But what if the acceptance rate is trickier? What if you essentially need a 3.7 to get in to your college? Your 3.85 is going to look considerably less impressive. Not only that but the chapters may not even care that much about grades, seeing as 95% of the PNMs are coming in with outstanding high school grades.

In my opinion, rush ANYWHERE at ANY SCHOOL boils down to conversation. Grades and activities do matter, but at the end of the day if you come off as abrasive, or shy, or boring or a spazz then they are going to release you in favor of somebody with the same grades and activities but who is outgoing, genuine, hilarious or classy.

If you plan to rush next year, I would work on conversation. Asking questions is great, but if you ask TOO many questions you can easily fade into that "I don't really remember her" category. Maybe you asked insightful questions about philanthropy the whole time, but when the next PNM came to the active they talked about the active's favorite TV show or shoe designer the whole time...who do you think is going to stand out in the rusher's mind? Philanthropy and housing points and positions are all very important, but you do have to remember you are being rushed by 18-21 year old women. At the end of the day, most would rather have a sister that they can go out with or watch a TV show marathon with or goof around with in class.

If sophomores routinely get bids at your school, then you may have a shot next year. But, like KSU Violet said, "what is going to be so different about you next year?" I'd focus on conversation and meeting new people. Buy and read and re-read and re-re-read Dale Carnegie's "How to Make Friends and Influence People"...you would be surprised at how simple and how effective this man's advice is. It is a classic for a reason. Join organizations, not just to have them on your resume but to meet as many people as possible. Go out and be social at parties, meet as many people as possible, but also don't be that girl who blacks-out/pukes/shacks too much/does drugs/smokes, etc. And meet people to meet them, not to get into their sorority...we can smell that from a mile away.

Good luck!

Gone into recruitment with an open mind and not wanting just one or two chapters? Depending on the campus and the PNM, yes a different result can happen.

Gone into recruitment wanting just one chapter (that most likely cut them the previous year)? Unless the PNM is now BFFs with a majority of the girls in that chapter, it's very unlikely a different result will occur.

I wonder how many times a PNM says she didn't feel a "connection" with a chapter when what she really means is she thought they were "beneath" her.

Honestly too, I've seen women befriend half of a sororities pledge class...we are talking those were her best friends on campus...and still get released because just enough other women in the chapter STILL didn't think this PNM was right for the chapter or classy enough.

So true. It gets said alot that girls should "meet sorority women."

Well, it's true that meeting people is good...unless the girls you are meeting just happen to NOT think that you're a good fit. Then it won't really help. It will likely hurt you more than anything.

I don't think it's so much that the conversation is not "fun" when you ask questions, but more that your rusher isn't learning about what it'd be like to hang out with you.

The one thing I have not seen written here so far, is that while sometimes it IS something you did .... sometimes, it's just not.

On the larger campuses, with hundreds of PNM's, at the top houses, it's so much of a numbers game that you may not have been actively discussed as a "cut" at all. Rather, your score averages could have been just a hair too low, and one or more groups were asked to invite back fewer PNM's than expected, and you got swept out in that process. The numerical difference between the girl who stays and the girl who goes, could be as little as .03 or .04 of a point.

So, if you know you looked fine and had good conversations, and did not spend each and every conversation using the word "I" over and over (as it appears, used often, in a post above this one), then perhaps you should just move forward and not take it so very personally.

Next year, you'll stand out because you'll have earned tip-top grades, and you'll have solid activities to talk about, interesting but not "stalkerish" questions to ask about each house, and will have an even more sophisticated look.

Yes, it's tricky at some schools to go through as a second-year student, but "stellar sophomores" typically do just fine. Chapters like freshmen because it's four years of dues -- but a 2nd year who is a great role model for her first-year sisters, is always a bonus!

I genuinely didn't feel that ANY of the sororities were beneath me. I was definitely not even thinking about that.

:lightbulb:

Sometimes theyre just not that into you.

Nope. I DON'T feel sorry for you! It is a MUTUAL selection. Apparently the ones you wanted didn't want you back. Get over it! There are some great women that you turned down because, even though you CLAIM you went into recruitment with an OPEN mind-you didn't! If you truly had an open mind you would have realized that there was a chance to meet great women who could be your sisters. They liked you and you turned them down.

It is like dating. You had the opportunity to be with the nice guy who really wanted to treat you right and tell you how awesome you are, but you are sitting at home-waiting by the phone, for the guy who isn't thinking about you and doesn't want you. I don't feel sorry for you! I would rather a woman tell me that she took another NPC's bid and enjoyed her time as an XYZ over telling me she sat around-just waiting-for Phi Mu to call her back and give her a bid. Go enjoy the women who want you. Take this time to give back and do something incredible w/ yourself by doing a philanthropy with the women that want you.

You won't get any sympathy from me.

Jen, I have to somewhat disagree. Maybe the dating analogy wasn't very good (I'm not always good at giving perfect analogies), but we can all agree that (for the most part) women who go through recruitment and say they didn't "feel comfortable" or didn't "fit in" it is because they thought they were "Too Good" to be in that organization. I fail to believe that of all the NPC chapters there (which all have something incredible to offer) she couldn't find ANYTHING good about that one particular organization.

Please realize that I have no idea where she goes to school. She may go to a school with no chapter of my organization, so this isn't about getting defensive about my GLO-it is about how disgusted I am that women say they go in with an open mind, yet they decide to drop out because the chapter that actually wanted them didn't "fit" them. I don't believe it. I don't feel sorry for her. She will not be getting any sympathy from me.

NO, don't contact the president. Contact the president of Panhellenic. You don't want to look needy. You could find out where that chapter does some philanthropic work and volunteer there. It would give you something in common and an opportunity to meet some of the chapter members and create a chance for friendships to develop that could lead to invitations to go out and meet more of the girls. Then when spring rush rolls around you will know more of the members and it will hopefully be a better experience for you. At least you will know if it's as good a fit as you thought it might be.

Could this attitude have shown through and perhaps lead to your recruitment results? At least on my campus, it may have.

First off, I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm asking for advice. There's a difference, in my opinion.

Secondly, I went into recruitment with an open mind on the first day. I started to form opinions at the end of the first day as to what sororities I would like to join.

In fact, I did find something about this chapter that appealed to me. They had a very strong sisterhood, stronger than all the other chapters on campus. And it's not that I think I'm better than the girls in this chapter. It was just during recruitment, these girls didn't have very good conversations with me, as opposed to the other houses. They were very serious, whereas, the other chapters were fun and carefree. I don't know if it was due to nerves or anything, but it just came off as being a shy sorority.

I didn't mean as in I'm gorgeous or anything. I just meant, that on Bid Day, I saw a lot of girls that weren't very pretty wearing the Bid Day shirts of the sororities that I liked. And I'm not saying they don't deserve it. It was just confusing because if that sorority was all consisted of gorgeous-looking women, I would understand why I wasn't picked. But it wasn't because of appearance, so I was wondering what other factors were there.

Wow, you must really think you are something. Apparently those "ugly" girls got what you wanted. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they had better attitudes and more of a personality. In fact, I wished you luck earlier. Now, I wish the NPCs on your campus luck in NOT giving you a bid and finding women who actually deserve a bid. Women like you give sororities a bad name. It is all about "looks" and "popularity" for you-right? It's about being SELFISH and caring only about how those letters look across your chest....right? You are a joke! How about you go find a site where people will pat you on the back and tell you that you didn't deserve to be cut. You won't get much sympathy here. With an attitude like that-you'll only get a laugh from some of the members.

Once again, I don't really care how mean this comes off. I hope all the sororities are able to see right through you.

Agreed. Perhaps the groups were "intimidated by her hotness"?

I'm convinced that she was lookin like Predator.

Some other factors to consider:

1. Did you wear some Lilly- there is NO way a sorority would choose you unless you don't wear Lilly.
2. Did you wear fake pearls? again NPC has stricked rules about that.
3. Did you let them know where you summer? I know that if you don't summer in the right places, forget about getting a bid.

Those might be some reasons you were cut. Maybe the ugly girls were just better than you.

I am so just kidding btw, the OP needs to get over herself and stop stereotyping that only looks count. Your little comment about not so attractive girls getting bids made me realize it was probably your personality. You may think about changing it because you're not going to get far in life.