Not Keen on Having Kids support thread
 

I'm a member of another forum and some of us decided to create a thread on there for those who don't want kids, and need a place to vent about inappropriate comments or questions they get when others become aware of that fact. So I thought I might start one on here.

Are there any GCers who know that they don't ever want kids? Do you ever find yourself harshly criticized because of this?

My only concern is that this thread could become a bit of a mess - I think there have been threads like this before, and it ends up being more of an "anti-parent" or "anti-pregnancy" thread than a pro-"choice not to get pregnant" thread.

Not saying that this thread will go that way, but hopefully people will be respectful of those who have chosen to have children, as well as those who have chosen not to do so.

I find that these things are generally more "anti-people who don't want kids" and not the other way around. The people who don't want kids could usually not care less that others choose to have children, but for some reason, it doesn't work the opposite way around.

What about those of us who want children eventually, but hate it when others bring their children into situations where they were not invited or welcome? I hate it, but I know it makes me look bad. I like kids, I just prefer them relatively well-behaved.

I don't want kids. I like my lifestyle. If it's selfish, than that's my right to be selfish. I don't need people telling me that I NEED to have children, that I will regret not having children, that I will have no one to care for me when I am old or that I will change my mind. These statements usually come from people who know very little about me but feel that they should counsel me and save me from my "mistake." It's a little rude to say the least.

AMEN.

i don't really want kids either. i haven't really gotten any negative comments abt it, but my friends do look at me crazy when i say it, and i think that some of them don't think i'm serious.

interestingly enough when i took a class called the sociology of deviance i discovered that women that don't want to have children are considered deviant by society. which is a no-brainer considering that we have been raised to have important life goals such as getting married and having kids.

but *I* don't think i'm missing out on life. rather, i think i'd be missing out if i had kids.

[/my first vent on gc :o]

Yay, ive found my home.

It's hard to be of the "kids? don't want them, don't need them" category when you work for a children's non-profit. I'm forced to pretend to like children, or at the very least tolerate them. When my bosses bring their kids in, everyone's all "OMGZ he/she's so CUUUUUUUTE!" it's a little nauseating.

i don't like the pressure of feeling like i SHOULD want children. and most people think im great with kids, would be a great parent. children are permanent. no takebacks. not interested.

I'm with KSU on the kids in R-rated theaters kicking chairs, and other reminiscent behavior, especially kids in restaurants after hours. or running amuck in department stores, public transit...

ok, ill stop now. this thread is a trigger word for me.

LMAO

Such is the life of nonprofit pros. We get jobs that match our skills, but not necessarily our passions.

Obviously, I'm not a person who doesn't want kids because I have two teenagers that I would trade for the world. HOWEVER, I think it's important to know yourself and know what you want. Nobody should have kids out of pressure from someone else (including a spouse) because it's HARD to be a parent, even when it's what you really want. It takes an inordinate amount of patience, money, time and sacrifice. I love my kids and have loved being a parent most of the time but I'm also counting down the years (5!) until they are both in college and I will have my life all to myself again. There are a lot of people who think I'm strange because I'm looking forward to having an "empty nest", but after almost 16 years of this incredible responsibility, I'm ready to do my own thing without thinking about anybody else's needs first. I think it will be a liberating thing, not a scary thing, but then, I have an identity outside of "daughter's mom" or "son's mom".

And, people always tell me "You don't stop being a parent when they turn 18", I think of it more like this.. when they turn 18, I am no longer responsible for them 24/7 as I am now. They will be adults and yes, they will need me in some ways, but it surely won't be the same as it is now.

One of the social workers that I worked with in adolescent psych has worked with children her whole career. She is now a school social worker. Her husband works for the Boys & Girls Club. They chose to be childless even though they are both wonderful with kids. They focus their talents on kids who need them but feel too independent to be tied down with kids of their own (and they both aren't sure they would have been able to deal with their own kids after spending all day with the kids they work with!). Very neat couple who were strong enough to know themselves.

So, for those who choose not to have kids, I most definitely support you, no matter what your reasons! Kudos to you!

I'm not sold on having children yet myself. Somedays it sounds like a good plan...others not so much. And in all honesty I don't like kids, I like babies! Babies are cute, and they coo, and giggle and blow bubbles. Kids can be like mini-Satan's that tell you how much they hate you and say no all the time. When I remember that babies grow up into kids and then (even worse) teenagers....I think being childless sounds like a great plan.

AGDee said it best...you HAVE to want them!! Some people think you will want them after you have them. I personally think you have to WANT them first. Being a parent is hard work and it can be a thankless job. You HAVE to want it.

we are >here<.
i feel like at every stage there is a problem. babies poop and cry. toddlers mess up ur house and throw tantrums. kids talk too much and are annoying. teenagers think they know everything and make u homicidal.

im so glad my bf agrees with me on this. we're not crazy abt kids right now.

Question for everyone responding: Does looking at the world and what's going on around us (unsafe school environments, child abuse, preganancy, exposure to adult material at early ages etc) and how 'quickly' we see the world change around us also deters anyone from having kids?

Well I would agree with that. I am having a Lia Sophia party at my house tomorrow evening. My invitation stated "No children please" because my house is not baby/toddler/small child proof. I have sharp corners and crystal. Not to mention these kinds of parties are really for adults. Actually I've had to put that on every party invitation in the past two years. If I dont, someone inevitably brings their kids whether it's something like Pampered Chef or casino/Las Vegas themed party.

Back when I was selling The Body Shop at Home I had an open house party and two people brought their kids. They were bored obviously, so they got into trouble. The toddler bumped his head on a sharp corner and tried to get into my cabinet under the sink. Then I got yelled at for having sharp corners and not having a safety tie on the cabinet doors---I was like ummm my kids are 10, 11, and 15 sharp corners close to the ground and getting into cabinets arent a problem for them nor do I take them to parties with me where they could get in trouble. She wasnt happy but I didnt really care. Just because you have kids doenst mean everyone else needs to bend over backwards to accomodate you.

Eh...I've seen it both ways. Believe me, I come from a big Italian family, and my wife and I don't have kids, so we've definitely heard the "OMG what's wrong with you?" This is especially since some of my cousins started having kids in their teens.

But, I think you get some level of it working the other way.

I hear ya....I tell people the same. I yelled at my SIL last christmas because she allowed my nephew to climb up the stairs while she was busy stuffing her face and he fell DOWN those stairs and she tried to tell me I needed to block my stairs...no you need to WATCH YOUR KID.

Funny thing was he must have learned his lesson. I had he and his big brother this weekend and everytime he looked at those stairs he did no try to climb them.

Yay! I love how the thread is moving along.

DS, to answer your question, those things that you listed have never factored into my decision not to have kids. Mine was strictly about how having kids would affect MY life. I want o travel without having to worry about kids. I want to be able to work on building my law practice without worrying about how pregnancy and child-rearing will affect that. I want to be able to continue feeding my purse and shoe fetish without feeling like I need to be spending on my kid.

I love this post. :D Funny thing is, the first part of it reminds me of a character from an Alice Walker novel. Can't remember the name of the book, but the main character said something similar when she learned she was pregnant.

Corinne Maier wrote a book listing the 40 reasons now to have children. One reason was that children are vicous dwarfs. lol Here is the link to the article about it below:

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/...article784948/

I totally agree with this.

In response to some concerns, I definitely don't want this thread to turn into a bashing of those who want or have kids.

selfish.....LOL

I don't really care about the happenings in the world as a reason not to have kids, either. I'm not really a worrier...there have ALWAYS been reasons not to have children! I like the fact that I can travel EVERY weekend. I can buy whatever I want and not have to worry that my kid doesn't have what he/she needs. I don't have to worry that I don't have enough patience (I don't have patience...I just don't.) I can enjoy my husband and my marriage...I see so many marriages after children turn into disasters. I think many people give up on that relationship and just focus on the kids...it's so sad! I love my career. I love my life. I don't want to have to change the life I have for a child, and I certainly don't want to have a child and put it second to my lifestyle. Therefore...I don't have children!

I don't think so, at least not for me. I may not want to have kids NOW because I'm not ready to guide a child through that type of minefield, but I'm confident that when I do choose to have children live-in and I both will be ready for that. I guess it's just part of parenting. Plus, as much as "the world has changed" I really don't think that my parents or my parents' parents didn't have similar concerns when they were planning their families.

What I don't need is nosey nosepieces asking when I'm going to start my family. Live-in and I aren't even married yet. Many people don't think marriage is important, and that's fine for them, but I'd like to keep our alone time pre-marriage baby free.

Not really - I think that stuff has been around for years. It's just that people gloss over it with their "Back in the day..." type stories.

LMAO This is the response I tend to hear when I say that. :cool:

I once snapped and told someone that they were selfish for only trying to have their own biological kids and not adopt. Of course they told me that was absurd, and I told them it was no more absurd than telling someone they were selfish for not wanting kids.


On a side note, there's a book out called "We Need to Talk About Kevin." The main character is a mother whose son went on a killing spree at school, and the book consists of letters she wrote to her husband explaining how she really didn't want kids and how one of her worst fears about having kids came true.

If someone knows they do not want kids and makes a decision not to have them, I applaud that! There are too many kids running around out there with parents who really didn't want to be parents, but felt it was "the thing to do."

I don't understand why anyone would want to CONVINCE someone who didn't want children to have them - parenting is tough enough when it is something you want to do. As I look at the headlines (in the past few months 3 children under CPS (Child Protection Services) DIED horrible, brutal, deaths here in the Houston area), I can only wish those parents hadn't decided to have/keep children. If you don't want children, more power to you. I'll support your choice not to have children if you won't accuse me of overpopulating the world with my 4 healthy, intelligent, loved children.

To a point true...but just one aspect...we didn't have kids killing each other in school at the rate as we were coming up unlike now.

But, I guess it's subjective

Not that you knew of...

God...I hope I wouldn't beat a child of mine, but you never know...I really have no patience! Really, though, I think deciding to be a parent should be more than a "well everyone else is doing it" thought process. I'm glad someone else wants to take the fall for us selfish lifestylers and keep the world overpopulated! :D

Do you know that for a fact, though? I would be interested to see statistics on school violence, especially comparing the number of incidents in past decades. Part of me wonders whether the publicity of it all is a post-Columbine issue.

ETA: I guess my point is that I'm not sure how much better things were "back in the day," or whether things were actually all that much safer for children.

The World Today
 

I always wonder how much more is reported now vs. "back in the day" when it seems to me we were much less aware of a great deal outside of a fairly narrow sphere.

My husband and I are childfree. We will not have children. Period. I have no desire to be pregnant, to give birth, to parent, to do any of that. Zero. What I find galling is that it is so difficult in the US for a childless woman under a certain age to get her tubes tied or have the Essure procedure or have an IUD inserted.

The reason?

"You might change your mind."

Apparently, women are smart enough to be able to decide they WANT children, but not smart enough to decide they DON'T WANT children. I've had so many doctors go, "YOU HAVE AN IUD?! WHY!!!" umm...because I got it free through the NHS, it lasts for 10 years, BC pills cost money every month and you've got to remember to take the dang things, I'm married and I don't want kids. If my body becomes possessed, I can have it removed. Seems like a good solution to me?

And like others have said...I like my lifestyle. I like being able to spend weekends going on roadtrips, or sleeping in with my husband, or spending 3 hrs on my bike because I want to. I love my work and research and there's no way I can do that with a kid (especially with how crappy maternity/paternity leave is in this country).

This is not to say that I hate kids, quite the opposite. I volunteer for a Boys and Girls Club, the Girl Scouts, I teach catechism...I just have no real desire to be a parent. My brother and SIL are very keen on having kids, and they'll be tremendous parents, and I'll be psyched to be an aunt. It's just that it isn't for everyone.

I'd like to have kids but I'm just not there yet. I still enjoy taking spontaneous vacations with my husband, spending my weekend afternoons at the pool or shopping, and going out for drinks with my friends on Friday and Saturday night. I'm not ready to give that up yet. At the same time, I know that I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to end up waiting too long only to find out that I can't have kids. My husband will finally graduate from his doctorate program early next year and that's when we have to really start thinking about growing our family. I just really wish that I could wait another 5 years or so without worrying whether I'll still easily be able to get pregnant. I know that I definitely want kids but I'm just not 100% ready yet. But I also don't want to wait until my eggs are past their expiration date. :) It's a trade off.

FWIW - I had my first 2 children at 25 and 27, and the last 2 at 37 and 39. It's MUCH easier when you are younger - AND you have the advantage of having them out of the house while you are still young (ish). As you say, it's a trade-off. Love and adore my children - but by the time I have an empty nest, I will have had nestlings for 32 years. Not that I counted.

I plan on being INCREDIBLY selfish! :)

I really thought that book was well done. I've often thought it could be made into a really great creepy film, and there's some possibility that it might get made.

HAHA!!

I like it so far. That would be cool if they make it into a movie.

UGH. Don't even get me started on this. I have been fighting this battle for the past month. I want to have the Essure and my doctor is pitching a fit.

1. She just had her third baby and so she doesn't understand why I don't want any kids.
2. Because we both lost our moms at a young age (22) she thinks that I won't feel "whole" again until I have a baby of my own. She feels that way because that is what happened with her. She never wanted kids either. Then once she got married, she changed her mind. She said when she had her first baby, she finally felt "whole" again after losing her mom.


So I had to go to the office three times to convince her I really want it done. However, on the last visit last week I ended up snapping at the CNA. The CNA was taking my blood pressure. She looked down at me and smirked and then said, " why are you trying to have an Essure when you're so young and you don't have any kids?" The next thing I knew, I was responding back, " Because I don't want any damn kids." It came out before I realized it, but she had pissed me completely off. I normally don't use that kind of language when angry. She knew she was out of line asking me that question so she apologized.

Sometimes that is unfortunately how you have to put it to people who cant get a friggin clue.

I would rather someone know beforehand they dont want kids and take measures to prevent an unwanted pregnancy from happening than to have the kids and then decide later it wasnt a good idea for them.