Feeling Misled by Sorority
 

I need some advice. I've just finished sorority rush and got a bid from my first choice. I listened very carefully whenever I visited any house because I knew what I was looking for. I want a sorority that has and purposely promotes strong relationships among sisters, one that is relatively serious academically and one that is not really into partying as I don't drink at all and, while I don't hold that against others who want to, I don't want to feel constantly at odds with my sisters over the issue or make them feel judged by my non-participation. I thought I had found that with my first choice. I was really impressed with their presentation. They seemed very serious about their philanthropy and the girls had specific examples of how their relationships with each other had been positive and helpful. Most importantly to me, partying and drinking didn't seem to play a big role in their social scene. I was really happy to be pledged to them, until my first visit to the house as a pledge. It was as if the sorority I chose was completely gone. Most of the conversation going on between new pledges and members centered around partying and boys. I thought at first it was just chatter, but one of the members kept asking me how often I partied and saying how much fun it was. I said I wasn't much of a partier and didn't drink at all. She said that many of the girls party 3 to 4 times a week, but a few of them only party on the weekends so I could hang out with them. I was really confused by this so I talked with her about my impressions of the sorority during rush and she said, "Yeah, I feel bad we have to lie to you during rush but we have to make the sorority look good."

I'm feeling completely misled and frustrated and don't know what to do. My second choice sorority was (and actually is) not a big party sorority but was upfront about being much more casual about academics. I specifically picked my first choice because I was hoping that being in a house where they were serious about academics would stretch me. I wish now that I had gone with my second choice as I feel they were much more honest with me. Help.

Recruitment is not really the time or place to be talking about boys or parties, so I don't think you should feel misled in that regard. Most sorority women are trained to change the subject if the pnm brings up partying & boys, because that is one of those 4 things that just shouldn't be discussed.

With that said, I think you should stick it out. You've already accepted a bid that you're bound to for a calendar year.

*Make a real effort to get to know your new sisters and those in your new member class.

*Don't drink or party if you don't want to. You should never feel pressured to do something you don't do.

*Find those girls in the house that aren't really into partying & befriend them. I don't know what your house size is, but I think not ALL of them are crazy party ppl. Most all houses have groups of women who don't go out as often as the others

After all of this, if, BEFORE you initiate, you decide it's not for you, then drop out... but I think you should at least give it a chance. It takes some time to start feeling comfortable in your new 'house'.

Its possible that the more social partier types are the one who are more vocal right now, while the actives and new members who may be more shy or reserved are in the background. Since your probably a week to two weeks tops into being a new member, I would give it time to let the dust fall, let everyone get back into the swing of classes and then really see how many people "party" all the time.

Question though, when they are talking about "partying" are the actively mentioning alcohol, or do they mean they just go out a lot? Also, take a look at their overall GPA - if its high, then you know that all the girls can't be out partying all the time!

And there most likely are other sisters who don't drink.

I actually didn't drink at all until I was 21. I had 6 semesters as a member before I drank. Assuming your chapter has a house, spend a lot of time there, like week nights, studying and taking breaks to get a snack in the kitchen or watch a little tv. Get to know as many of your sisters as possible. Assuming you are already academically driven, you're probably going to continue to get good grades, and maybe your habits will rub off on your sisters.

I lived in the house for three years, and one thing I realized was that although some people go out 3-4+ nights per week, someone is always staying in to study on any given weeknight. Just try not to alienate. Emphasize your non-judgemental attitude by going out with your sisters on the weekends and not drinking yourself.

Come on, you've been in the sorority for what, a week? The girls couldn't talk about this stuff during recruitment, so now some of them want to talk about it. Try not to judge the whole sorority so harshly at this point. The women who have already posted here gave great advice. Take it to heart and see how you feel in 8 weeks (or how ever long your new member period is).

But you have to admit, it is a pretty big shock, and one that I also experienced my first week pledging APO as an undergrad. It wasn't at all what I expected. But in retrospect, it was a reflection of the alcohol culture on campus and not the organization (or even necessarily the whole chapter).

The partiers were just louder than the nonpartiers during the first week.

After five days, I did find those brothers who weren't into partying and they were the reasons I stuck it out. You will find your reasons, too.

VioletpPretty gave really good advice. Don't let this initial impression cause you to withdraw emotionally or stay away from events and sisters. That will only guarantee that you don't feel at home. If your chapter has a house, go over a lot, not just at required times. If they have optional study halls....attend as many as possible. Get to know as many sisters as you can by being proactive and reaching out to them.

Every chapter has a wide variety of people, no matter what image they project during recruitment. Even if the chapter is 50 women or less, you will find a number to bond with. Why make a decision now? You haven't even scratched the surface and you can't join another group right now anyway. Throw yourself into the experience and you may be surprised at what you discover.

Don't state at every occasion, "I don't drink" or "I don't party". That annoys even other people who obstain. From my own experience, it's also entirely possible to have rewarding and wonderful relationships with women who are completely different from you--without sacrificing your goals or changing your behavior. I was very involved in my major and classes, working towards admittance to a top grauate school. I was highly involved in campus activities and partied in college, but occasionally, not regularly. Yet, some of my most treasured moments and memories were with the wild children of the house--they added the leaven to my whole wheat and I was better for it and so were they!

Enjoy your new member time!

Yes, exactly right. I would also wager the girl who told you all that is a younger member who's just a bit too excited about not being in the youngest pledge class anymore and wants to show off.

Take time to get to know your sisters, and don't feel you have to stick to only your pledge class, the girl chosen as your big sister, or the girls closest to your age. Initiate friendships with girls who have things in common with you, no matter their age.

Welcome to Greek life. lol

Unfortunately, you cant really go with your second choice at this point- and if you were so misled by the house in which you are now a new member, you might just as easily be misled by this other sorority as well. Starting college and joining a sorority etc. is all very overwhelming. Just because there are some girls in your house who drink, it doesn't mean that they won't respect you for not doing the same. AND you don't have to miss out because you don't drink. One of the most active members in my chapter didn't drink, but she still came to all of our mixers, Venti Starbucks in hand. Nobody judged her for not drinking, because she didn't judge us FOR drinking. Just be honest and up front with your new member class. Obviously you saw something in them, and they saw it in you too. I promise you, if you go to the house on a Tuesday night to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta or something, there are going to be plenty of girls in there, doing homework, watching TV, and not drinking. You will find your niche.

Also, keep in mind that the beginning of the school year always constitutes heavy drinking, especially for freshman who have just gotten "freedom". It will tone down once the classwork starts hitting them hard.

Also, if you are a new member of an NPC sorority, other new members shouldn't be drinking during your new member period anyway.

haha ok!

I guess every sorority at the University of Arkansas forgot that rule. The new members were the biggest drinkers post-bid card because they'd been pent up.

You DO NOT need to drink if you don't want to. A few years ago, when I was a new member, there was a group of sisters who took me out within a few days of pledging. I had never had a drink in my life, and there girls were getting pretty tipsy and encouraging me to drink. I told them I couldn't because of a big exam the next day, then left. I went to an older sister I trusted and was very honest with her. I told her I didn't drink, I had no intention of starting, and that if this was going to be a problem, I was not going to stay in the sorority. She kind of put the word out, and while I still went out and had fun with my sisters, I didn't drink, didn't judge and never felt any pressure to "party hard". I became good friends with a group of girls with similar attitudes to mine, and while I still enjoy hanging out with the "party girls", I wouldn't say they're my closest friends. I'm sure there are sisters in your sorority who feel the same way you do - they're just probably not as vocal as the girls you've been talking to. You'll find each other in the crowd! The women who are bragging about how much they party are most likely trying to impress you and the other new members, and things will probably die down a bit in a few weeks.

Rosiegirl,

You've received some good advice, but I also wanted to chime in since I am a non-drinker as well and was all through college. I would agree that some of the women are probably looking for something else to talk about after non-stop recruitment topics, it will settle down after the first few weeks, and it is very possible to make friends and do well in a sorority and Greek life even if you are a non-drinker.

I agree that simply being upfront and casual about it is the best way. Once people knew it just wasn't for me, they rarely brought it up again. They just knew I didn't drink. When I went out or went to parties, I always held a Coke or Pepsi and no one ever bothered me to get me something to drink.

The only time I ever had a problem was when I was chapter president and a few women were "embarrassed" that their president didn't drink. It had more to do with them than me. The vast majority of my sisters knew I was highly committed to Tri Delta and the chapter so they could have cared less if I drank or not.

I would definitely stick it out and give it time. Get to know other women, spend lots of time hanging out at the house, and keep a positive attitude. Being a non-drinker does not have to be a hindrance at all.

If at the end of your new member period you find you have made a real effort and find that things are just completely contrary to what you expected, then you will have to make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go through initiation. But I would be willing to guess that won't be the case.

Best wishes,
Sallie

Have fun and just don't drink. Offer to be the designated driver once in a while. Folks will appreciate it. And on the bright side, at least you will never be the butt of those Ashley-Smashley-Trashley jokes!!!

Is that a rule? I've never heard of it before. While we were in no way encouraged or "allowed" to drink if we were underage, it was definitely an unspoken thing that those who wanted to and were able to were doing so at their own risk. I've heard of fraternity men being barred from drinking during their new member periods, but never NPC sorority women!

Thanks so much for all the advice and encouragement. I think mainly what I needed was some perspective, but it's kind of hard to step back when you're in the middle of it. I am going to take my time to make a decision because I agree you can't judge 120 girls by the comments of a few. I guess the thing that threw me the most was to find out that it's accepted or even expected that these issues aren't discussed during rush. I honestly didn't know that and I wish it wasn't one of the four things you don't talk about because it's kind of an important issue, at least for me.

I also REALLY appreciate the comments that this may be a reflection of the alcohol culture on campus as a whole, the comments that this will probably settle down as the reality of classes hits, and the comments that perhaps the partiers are just a bit louder in the beginning. Big sigh of relief from those, so thanks very much!

Under 21 year olds shouldn't be drinking, period. If they are telling the new members they aren't allowed to drink but turning the other way when 19-20 year old sisters do it, that is hazing. Telling NMs they aren't allowed to do things that are legal by law for their age group (smoking and, back then in some states, drinking) was declared hazing back in the 1970s.

Is this new? I've never heard of this?!

Quite frankly, I don't know your campus but I'd be willing to guess that ANY sorority you joined would have had their fare share of partiers...and guess what? Any other organization outside of greek life you would have joined would have had partiers too. Even religious organizations have their fare share of people who still party heavily. It's college, so don't blame the sorority for something that is a generational thing.

In addition, I am sure there are many members who don't drink or who drink infrequently. I would still go to socials, especially as a new member because most of your pledge class will be going to those. But there are so many aspects of greek life where even the craziest girls will be completely sober, such as philanthropy, athletics games, optional committees, Big Sis/Lil Sis, TV marathons, lip-sync practices, etc. The girls that may be "too crazy" during a fraternity party or a new member social are not going to be the same way during those dry activities, so make sure you are not judging them for how they'd act in a different situation.

Nobody minds a sober girl, but nobody likes a judgmental sober girl. So stick it in there, go to all the activities that won't have behavior you feel uncomfortable around and don't speak ill of actives/new members drinking. I guarantee you they don't care that they don't drink, but the second you start openly or excessively casting judgment on those activities it could cause drama. So politely refrain and realize that regardless of what you do in college there will always be partiers.

I know that the "fake-ness" of recruitment can hit hard in so many different ways, and it sucks, but we don't have a better system yet. Stick with it. There are girls in EVERY sorority that drink. Remember all the other great reasons why you picked your sorority and determined it was the match for you! The high academic achievement, philanthropic involvement, friends you made, whatever! Just do what you do and let other do what they do. If you be yourself, and don't make a big deal out of not drinking, no one else will! If you walk around like you are better than everyone for not drinking, the other girls might get sick of it. You mentioned something about not wanting to make the girls who drink feel uncomfortable because they'll think you're judging them for drinking in front of them. My advice for that is simple- DON'T! don't judge people for drinking and they won't judge you! Also, don't discount people as your friends because they drink. A lot of people are saying find the girls in the house that don't drink, of course this is very true and just by the sheer date of your post, I assume you are in a very large pledge class so you will definitely find others who don't drink, but make friends with the girls who drink too! You made a connection with them during recruitment, I'm sure you have a lot to connect with these girls about. All that aside, the beginning of the year everyone wants to show off because they are big bad freshmen or sophomores. It'll all cool down.

I believe some campus Panhellenic's have dry new member periods, and was under the impression (maybe mistakenly) that this is an upward trend due to risk management issues. I thought it was to curb pressure on NMs to drink (whether hazing or peer pressure) after joining an organization, plus its illegal to drink alcohol if you are under 21.

If they aren't 21 they can't drink anyway. During pledge activities you aren't drinking anyway. But if you had a NM who WAS 21, and she got in trouble for, say, being at the local Applebee's and having a beer with dinner, or couldn't get served at a mixer held at a third party, she would definitely have a hazing case against the Panhellenic who made a "dry NM period" rule.

I realize at many schools this is a moot point as there aren't many pledges under 21, but the schools are setting themselves up for a lawsuit if that exception to the rule DOES come along.

I really appreciate this thread. I am planning on attending a major party school in the SEC, but only because they have the best program for my major in the state. I really wanted to rush because of the sisterhood, philanthropy, and academic bent of social sororities, but I was worried about rushing when I don't drink or smoke or anything. Again, thanks for the thread and the replies.

Good luck! As long as you keep an open mind, you'll be fine. Just wait for the excitement and newness of partying to wear off a little bit and find the girls in the chapter that feel the same way you do (there WILL be some). Be courteous to everyone, and be careful not to judge and you'll have a great experience.

And don't be afraid to go to parties and events. Just put some Coke in a Solo cup and have a good time.

I'm 21 and I STILL do this. As long as you have a cup in your hand nobody is going to know what's in it and you'll be just fine.

I did and do do it on nights when I have work/class the next morning and it's a great way to keep people from asking repeatedly if you want beer.

Well, that narrows it down to twelve schools. :cool:

Don't sweat it.

The most respected brother in my fraternity did not drink or smoke. He did go to every party and event; and he (and his dates) always had fun.

If you stand by your principles, you will be respected.

Please note the bolded.

No one will care if you don't drink if you participate and are a fun and festive person. If, however, you use it as an excuse to not go to things or stand around like a bump on a log, you won't be very well liked in your sorority.

Agree, and I'd add that being a fun person means not making any deal at all over either the fact that you're not drinking or the fact that others are.