Being Sexually Harassed at Work! Please Help!!!
 

So first things first, I am a regular poster on GC for over 3 years. I do not, however, want people to know my name, location, affiliation, or any other identifying information that I have disclosed over the years because the question I'm posting is extremely sensitive. So, I'm using this (really lame) sockpuppet but please bear with me.

I started my first real job about 6 months ago and am being sexually harassed by my boss. I graduated in December (one semester early) and was fresh out of college when I started. Initially, I was sooooo happy to have a job. But now the situation with my boss has changed everything. He is twice my age, married with kids, and in a position of authority over me. He sends me inappropriate emails, calls my cell phone 24/7, sends gross text messages, etc. etc. He makes comments about my breasts and ass. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

I work in an office of about 20 people, 17 of whom are men. They all talk about penises, sex, how much they hate their wives, our clients breasts, strippers etc. etc. daily. They also drink on the job very very frequently and will leave work to go to the bars or strip clubs (yes! during the middle of the day!)

I have already brought this up with the HR guy. Our firm has offices in about 14 states and the HR part of the company is in a different state so I have only talked to him on the phone. He said "boys will be boys" and that our company has a "fun" reputation. He was of no help.

I feel sick to my stomach about working at this company. Today I have the day off because I had to travel for work all weekend and I am trying to decide what to do about this job. I don't want to quit because I am so new and the economy is rough.

Google your company's name online and see if anything like this has come up at any of the other branches.

Or just cut to the chase and call your boss's wife.

Sorry to double-post but I forgot to add that he's now starting to plan "retreats" for us (like just the 2 of us) for 4 different conferences, conventions, and visits to other branches during the summer. I really don't want to go because I'm afraid it might go from harassment to assault or something. I don't know how to get out of going. I don't know why he's asking me to go either since I'm in a very entry-level position.

And thanks for the good ideas 33girl!

My advice would be to document everything, and send it in writing to your HR guys. Sometimes even when you think you've been perfectly clear, people don't get the message. Make absolutely certain that they understand the severity of the situation. If they refuse to take action at that point, or if in any way action is taken that would be negative towards you, at least you will have a written record of the communication and you can use that going forward, should you decide to take any additional action.

Email is fine, it doesn't have to be snail mail. But do get it in writing. If you have a phone conversation with HR, send them an email immediately following the convo, saying that you want to confirm the conversation. Then write up a summary of what was said on the phone and send it in.

Sometimes, as wrong as it is, people need to realize that you are serious about your discomfort before they will do anything about it.

Edit to add - I am so sorry you are going through this!!!! I hope that it works out in the end, and that you know that none of this is in any way your fault!!!

Do you feel comfortable going to your boss's boss with this information? Are there
any women in management that you would feel comfortable talking to?

Also, if he is setting up trips for you, insist on separate rooms and refuse to go if
you can't have separate accomodations. That's just basic business practice. Once at
the conference, don't accept invitations to eat with him or go out with him .. plead
tired and going back to your room. Once there lock the door and don't let him in.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I agree with the advice that's been posted so far.

I just want to make sure you know, since it's your first job, that this isn't "boys will be boys" or "fun" behavior...it's completely inappropriate and you shouldn't have to put up with it. I'm sure you know that, but I really want to reinforce that, especially since the human resources person was dismissive. And as pbear said, this isn't your fault.

Absolutely. Document everything. Start a file (or two - an electronic file and a hard copy file) and update it as frequently as necessary. Save all inappropriate texts and emails, document all inappropriate verbal/physical exchanges (record the date, time, location, witnesses - everything).

Once you've compiled this information, I would immediately send it (actually, send a copy of it and keep the originals) to HR. Continue to update your file(s) while HR is reviewing the documents. If, after ample time, HR refuses to take action, I would look into legal options. In fact, I might start researching legal representatives right now (just to find out what your options are, not necessarily to contact them... yet).

Good luck handling this crappy position someone else has put you in. I really hope it all turns out well for you.

Talk to a lawyer.

Document everything and talk to a lawyer now, not later.

Good luck!

...and make sure you keep the documentation on your person or in your car. Don't leave it at work. And if you have a copy of what was sent, keep it. If it was sent by text, I think the phone company can help you get old texts, if I'm not mistaken.

When you are taking records, document as soon as possible as well, that way you have dates, times, locations and as close to the words as possible. Try to do it right away.

Also, if you don't want to go to a lawyer right away, go upline in the HR Department, or I hate to say this, call a woman in the HR Department.

From my own experience, the system (or the powers the be) will make you feel like the guilty party. You are entitled to receive full pay for days you are asked to stay home from work. While the "situation" is being investigated or resolved.

I was out of work for a week because I was touch inappropriately and reported it. I felt like crap, I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life, I felt like I was being punished. Then I got paid for staying home and it was kinda nice.

I was strong enough to return to the job. I know I didn't do anything wrong. People would come up to me telling me how strong I was because I came back to work. They also thanked me for taking care of a situation that could have been much worse.

Hang in there and do the right thing. I was fortunate to work for a temp agency that handled all the legal fees. But yes lawyers on both sides were involved. It was pretty serious. And was serious!

You have a huge support system on GC.

ETA: Record the weather it sounds silly but holds a lot of weight for some reason. 70 degrees and raining means something.

As someone who has been through something very similar (harrassment and hostile work environment by my boss) I can't echo the other sentiments loud enough: DOCUMENT everything. Every single thing.

Every single time that he makes an inappropriate remark document the date, time, location, comment and if there were any witnesses. Save all email, text and handwritten notes. Keep them all in a file at home.

In theory these cases should be no-brainers for an HR department, however my experience was otherwise. (shortening a very long story here-the boss had strings pulled by a senior VP- quite illegal, but it happened). It was only because my co-workers and I had over three year's worth of offenses documented in excrutiating detail, and threatened media and legal involvement, that the boss finally was forced to resign. Just in case you run up against similar resistance (sounds like you have so far) you need to have all your ducks in a row.

I also want to reiterate- this is not your fault and it is not normal. If you need to talk to a professional once all this is over you should feel okay about doing so. These situations can mirror living with an abuser and because the offenders are in a position of authority and you are new to the workforce- so just make sure it doesn't mess you up in the head. Before anyone laughs that I am over-reacting with the professional help thing: my employer/company was so mortified with everything that we had endured that they offered the professional help on their dime during our workday.

At least talk to a lawyer (you don't have to hire them unless you want to) before you talk to HR.

It may seem like a big step, but the lawyer can't do anything without your approval and what you tell them is absolutely confidential. You should go into this situation knowing what your legal rights and expectations are.

Agree with both of these - you may feel a bit weird going to a lawyer, but as Kevin said, it's best to figure out what your legal rights are in this situation.

If you're unsure of who to see as far as a lawyer, some local bar associations have lawyer referral services.

The word "harassment" has power
 

This is so, so true, unfortunately.

Fortunately I've never dealt with sexual harassment, but almost three years ago I ended up having to deal with one of the most nasty, unpleasant persons I've ever met in my life.

Long story short, this woman was an incredible bully, very negative and vindictive. She was in charge of training me, and her hostile behavior became so uncomfortable for me I eventually complained to my supervisor. I learned that I was NOT the first one to complain about her behavior. In fact, two people before me in my position had quit because of her! But management refused to do anything because she had been there for forever and basically knew the department better than anyone there. After a couple of meetings with my supervisor (at which I was told I was doing a "great job" and this was just something I'd have to deal with), I finally asked him, "When are you going to deal with this problem? This behavior is not acceptable. Harassment is harassment."

Actually saying the word 'harassment' was the catalyst for me, but not necessarily in a good way. My supervisor then claimed he was obligated to bring in HR to mediate, I was forced to have a face-to-face meeting with this nasty woman with an HR rep, and ultimately my performance went from "great" to "not great", and I was told this was why this nasty person was justified in treating me so shabbily. Poor thing...she was just frustrated! :mad: Needless to say, I left a few days later, and never regretted it.

I'm not sure if even going is a good idea, regardless of accomodation arrangements. I may be overly cautious, but still going may give him an idea and you dont want to further encounter unwanted advances and potentially worse. What if he were to follow you to your room and push his way in? Or take advantage of you at a potentially other vulnerable location? Then what? In this kind of situation I would personally rather be overly cautious instead of naive. Guard your person and your reputation by not going. It's not worth it.

I agree, call an attorney, document everything, and call your cell phone company to see about getting your phone number changed. I'm not sure if it's possible to keep the old text messages he's been sending you if you change your number, but make sure you ask that question if you don't already know.

I hate that you're going through this, but I wish you the best. No one deserves to be treated this way.

I don't think getting the phone number changed would help as the harasser is someone from work and being able to reach employees (having their phone number) is the norm at most jobs.

Document everything, contact a lawyer as they will know best the situations that apply to your state.

Absolutely the best advice!

Find a lawyer with expertise in this field and allow this professional to guide you in the proper direction. You don't have do to anything you do not want to do, but it will be money well spent. You should be able to focus with a clearer head after your consultation and not go down an incorrect path based on other advice found in various ways.

Actually, it would help and make her feel a little more comfortable at least in her own home. Ya know, it would totally suck if everytime I picked up my phone only to hear and see verbal and disgusting text messages from some controlling, perverted, pompous asshole, who just happened to be my boss. Yep, having their phone numbers and being able to reach employees is the "norm" at most jobs, but calling them 24/7 (like she posted) and being a perverted, sexual harrassing pig doesn't sound like the "norm" to me at ANY job. Period.

OP, you really should change your number as long as it doesn't erase the evidence that you'll need to show your attorney.

Of course what her boss is doing is not the norm, but I think I'm agreeing with VandalSquirrel here. If she changes her phone number, then she'll just have to give the new number to people at work and boss will call the new number.

It seems to me that what she needs is CallerID, which her cellphone should already have. Use CallerID to screen the calls and don't answer it when it's creepy boss -- make him leave a message. And if he leaves inappropriate messages, document them and find a way to keep a recording of them. Also, use the cellphone caller memory to keep a log of all calls from him, with date and time, whether he leaves a message or not.

Again, this is one of those things a lawyer who practices in this area could give her the best advice about.

All you need to give your work is an emergency phone number where you can be reached. It does NOT have to be your cell phone number - it can be your next door neighbor's phone number if that's where you can be reached in an emergency (like, bomb threat at the office and don't come in).

Contrary to popular belief, your workplace does not have the right to contact you at all hours of the day or night. I refused to give out my cell # at my ex-job and somehow people got it anyway which pissed me off.

G M - change your cell number (but see if your service carrier can figure out a way for you to keep any previous icky texts or vms for documentation purposes). If they insist on a "number where you can be reached" give them your parents' or a friend's land line. With what she's going through, "let it go to voice mail/check the caller ID" doesn't cut it. It's about feeling sick in the pit of your stomach anytime you see any evidence of this jerkwad.

Thank you SO MUCH for the advice. I really can't thank you enough. I wanted to give an update and fill in some blanks.

I started documenting things in early May, when my boss started waiting for me immediately outside the bathroom door after I used the restroom. That was one of the incidents that really pushed things over the edge for me. I'm not sure I was documenting everything as completely as possible (ex: who was around, weather, other details) so I will be sure to do that from now on.

I appreciate the suggestion to not leave anything I'm documenting at work because I honestly hadn't thought of that before. I just forwarded all of the work emails he has sent me that are inappropriate to a personal email account so I don't run the risk of losing them, should I need them in the future.

I also appreciate the advice to put things in writing for the HR department, and to make sure I'm being very clear about how serious the situation is. I just sort of backed down and felt intimidated when the person I spoke with shot me down last time. I will be writing something very very soon.

Prior to May, I deleted most of the texts and voicemails, because they repulsed me. After he started waiting for me outside the bathroom though, I've saved all of the texts and written down info about the voicemails. To give you an idea of how often he calls, last night I have missed calls from him at 10:48 p.m., 11:07 p.m., 11:12 p.m., 1:37a.m., 2:21 a.m. and 3:14 a.m. He didn't leave any voicemails, however. I also received 6 texts from him between 8:35 p.m. and 1:58 a.m. In the past, he has somehow blocked his number so it shows up as "unknown" so I also no longer answer calls from unknown or restricted numbers.

I did set up an appointment with a lawyer to get advice and make sure I'm handling everything properly.

This made me almost cry because this is how I've been feeling. It is really starting to mess with me and get me very very down.

ETA: I've actually started waking up in the night with nightmares and feeling stressed all the time because I'm so nervous about the situation. And I used to be a really laid back girl, so this is very unlike me.

This guy sounds like a real threat - not just someone who makes inappropriate advances, but someone who has serious stalking tendencies. I fully agree with ThetaPrincess24's advice to refrain from traveling with this guy. There's no way I would go anywhere with him.

Excellent. I have absolutely no knowledge of what's legal/appropriate to do in this situation, so this question might be stupid, but I'd try to find out if you can do your job from home (or another location other than your usual place of business) while this is being investigated.

This really does sound scary, GM. Stay strong and good luck.

Gucci Model,

There is a free service that will route unknown/blocked numbers back to you with the actual number who is calling. As soon as I can remember what it is, I'll PM you. But it works VERY WELL.

MC, I agree with this part, but I still would change my number and no I wouldn't give it to anyone else at work, especially to a company that won't lift a finger to do anything about a disgusting boss. Period.

Thank you.

33girl, I agree with you 110%.

First of all, it sounds like you are already doing a lot of what needs to be done. The guy sounds like a serious headcase, and with the additional info you've given I think you absolutely need to contact a lawyer asap. Even if HR steps up and does the right thing, you've got a lot of incidents outside of work and they may or may not be willing to intercede in anything that they (whether correctly or incorrectly) deem outside of their purview.

The other thing that I wanted to mention is that you should be sure to either forward the messages with headers (if you can) or, ideally, print them with headers and keep a print copy of every email. Especially if the emails are contained within a work system, you want to print the copies with headers while you have access to the originals.

Good luck, and keep us posted if you can. I hate that anyone has to go through this, but you sound like a very strong person who will undoubtedly come away stronger.

Depending on one's position they may not have a choice in being "unreachable" and in fact doing that may tip the boss off and as she deleted previous evidence she'd have none. At my job I have to provide a home and emergency number, and fortunately if this was going on at my job it would have been handled better due to our structure. I'm a supervisor and there is no way I'd be able to function in my position by not letting my underlings and my overlords have my number. As much as we'd like to prevent people from bothering us, it just isn't always practical or possible. Depending on the company and the position being reached by phone is important for a lot of reasons, and in this case actually will provide evidence that was previously lost.

As someone who was a victim of harassment and stalking (not at work) changing my phone number may have stopped the person from calling or texting me, but if I didn't have those voice mails, missed calls, and texts it would have been a lot harder to prove my case (he was showing up at my home, work, classes, filing false police reports, talking to my friends, family, and coworkers). At least in my state harassment by phone is a crime and that law wouldn't have been enforceable by changing my phone number. This is why going to a lawyer is key, it may be a way to prove a crime is occurring. Plus for me, changing my number would have given in and let him know he had power over me, and I refused to let him screw up my life anymore than he already had. I considered getting a prepaid phone to use in the interim, but my sense of pride (and finances) made me change my mind.

Do not travel with this guy. Send an email to HR explaining why.

Send a Memo immediately to HR outlining your discussion with them and what you understood to be their feedback and next steps. Make sure you send it to more than one HR person, say the person you spoke with and their supervisor. I can't believe any HR professional would say "boys will be boys"...that's so old school and right out of a sexual harrasment role-playing workshop.

I don't know about your cell phone company, but mine (Sprint) provides access to all of my detailed calling statements online. I can see when all calls came in and out, phone numbers, etc. You should be able to get the same from your company and at least have record then of how often he's calling you. If your phone has speakerphone, you should buy a hand-held recorder and try recording his voicemails.

I know you're already meeting with a lawyer, so they will tell you what further steps to take. If I were you, though, I would talk to him/her about whether you should file a complaint with the police and get it on the record. In the meantime, if HR refuses to do anything about this guy, I would quit and sue the company for failing to provide you with a safe working environment. I think you have every reason to be concerned for your safety with the stalking behavior he's exhibiting in plain sight and with the support of everyone around him. I know it's a rough job market out there, but there's no way I would ever put up with that or stick around long enough to see whether HR was going to do something months after I first reported it. This ends NOW!

If you do eventually leave, and legal arrangements don't bar it, file a complaint with the state dept. of labor, too. I once contacted them after I went to a place to interview and was asked to go with a guy I didn't know in his car to ride out to someplace I didn't know to do some work they wouldn't tell me about. I was blown away they would ask female interviewees to go in a car with a young adult male employee, and on top of that it sounded like they wanted us to work the day for no pay. Let me tell you, the Labor Dept. was very interested in my story and actually followed up later to tell me that they had paid a visit to the company to investigate.

You're a supervisor. That's totally different. The OP is not. At the most, all she needs is a number where she can be reached - that could be the phone number of her next door neighbors who are nice enough to take her calls. At this point, she is possibly missing calls that she might want to take because he blocks his number and she's too scared to answer the phone. Also, I don't know if the lawyers will agree with me on this, but if she does end up changing her number because of his repeated harassment, she can feasibly recoup the $$ it costs to do it.

I am dumb as a post about saving texts and vms from phone to phone, and she should definitely do that, but my point was that for the majority of people in office positions, which I'm guessing is what she has, work is 8 hours a day. Period. When you walk out the door people leave you the eff alone unless you invite them in.

The waiting outside the restroom door is unbelievable. I'm sorry you are dealing with such an obvious psychopath.

Like my GC colleagues have said, do not travel with this man. He is trying to "isolate" you and perpetrators isolate the victim to make committing a sexual assault easier. Document everything and keep it at home or another safe location.

Remember that harassment is "unwelcome behavior" and that HR person that you first spoke with is some unbelievably unprofessional, I can't even believe that they have a job. Wow, just wow.

Changing your number is a huge hassle, and anyone who wants to harass you will find out your new number, guaranteed. In fact being unreachable can cause the abuser/stalker to escalate their behavior, and tipping them off may cause more issues. If this guy is as scary as we think, don't you think he's going to realize her number has changed and all of a sudden he can't reach her, and then ask her for her number? What then?

As I said before, as I was the victim of stalking and harassment, I was told to get a second phone line and keep the first one to document the abusers behavior as all the phone calls, texts, and voice mails are concrete proof to use for prosecution. I could have added a line to my account, or just get a prepaid phone, but I chose not to. In my case, and for many other women (and men) this is the only way you can prove there is harassment or any crime at all. The OP doesn't have to read the texts or listen to the voice mails, someone else can as changing the number is not an absolute protective measure and is a huge hassle, and doesn't always work with a persistent stalker and harasser. I especially think that if no one in her office, including HR is taking this seriously she needs every piece of evidence possible. The OP needs every shred of evidence possible as Sexual Harassment is not always easy to prove (and the company doesn't seem to care) and even if this man is removed from work she still may have to deal with him and get a restraining order. Honestly, until one is in one of these situations what seems obvious and the right thing to do, often isn't. When you're dealing with people who find nothing wrong with harassing and stalking someone, and what works on the average person (STOP, leave me alone, this is inappropriate) doesn't make them blink, the way one handles it changes completely.

Maybe her state doesn't care about the phone or texts, but since the previous ones have been deleted she is starting at 0, it is not bad evidence to have, hence why we continually say SEE A LAWYER.

Even when I wasn't a supervisor I always had a number where I could be reached either land line or cell as I needed to be called when I was off in the event someone didn't show up, called in sick, or something else happened. I think it is standard to be able to be contacted reasonably, and we're all in agreement that the boss of the OP is not reasonable in any manner.

I'm not in a management role, and I have to provide a cell phone--not just a landline, or the company will provide one for me. I think it depends on the type of work. If the OP has a job that requires any off-site travel or dealing with things that may happen in off-hours, then it's completely different from someone who's in the cube farm for 8 hours a day.

I was harassed by a friend's boyfriend, and when I finally got my number changed because of harassment, campus security asked why I hadn't kept the voicemails from the months he had been harassing me. It was second nature for me to just delete them like all other voicemails.

I said in one of my earlier posts that she should definitely keep the old texts, etc for legal purposes - I also said I'm dumb as a post and don't know how to do that.

I also got the impression that she's in a cube farm. My point is that for many jobs all you have to provide is ONE emergency number where you can be reached, whether or not it is a phone under your name. You do NOT have to give your cell, pager, private email, etc etc. We give up WAY too much of our private lives to work and have only ourselves to blame when shitty people take advantage. This has nothing to do with the OP - this is in general. Private life is private life and work is work.

IMO it sounds like this is part of the overall company culture and she's going to get zero satisfaction from anyone in HR or elsewhere, no matter how high up.

I'll bet the HR toad goes back and reports the conversation to her boss.

Gucci Model, I know the economy is bad, but no job is worth this. Are you looking for a new job?

:eek:! I mean, really, :eek::eek:!

Fantastic!!

On this aspect of it, I'm pretty much in agreement with you, and this is a major reason why. I think it has the potential to make things worse, not better.

But again, the OP's lawyer will be in the best position to advise her about it.

Agreed 100%.. your boss is not demonstrating acceptable behavior at all.

Phone logs & texts
 

You can usually print out your phone logs online (to show his incoming calls).

I can at least, and I deal w/ Sprint. If you get your bill in the mail, the log may be on the back of the bill.

If you can't print it out online, or to get text messages you have deleted, I think your phone company can help you with this but you have to call them.

:eek: I think contacting the lawyer was definitely needed at this point. Your next step might even be the police. This seems like stalking to me.