Dumpee or Dumper. Which is better?
 

Hey guys. Kind of a dumb thread, but I posted some D&R posts in one of the random threads, about seeing other people. I was in my relationship for a few years and I felt that she was kind of needy. I thought we both needed a break and needed to see other people, so I broke it off with her, but after I did, I felt really guilty. It made me think that in some cases being dumped is actually better. The guilt isn't there. Anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it? Why did you break it off? Did you regret it later?

I've been the Dumper twice. The first time was a lot worse than the time I was dumped because he was such a sweet guy. The second time was a lot better because I was dumping a jerk. So I guess it depends.

Being dumped usually sucks because a lot of the time the dumpee doesn't see it coming. Sometimes, I think, the dumpee knows it's coming but doesn't want to do it.

I think that being the dumper generally sucks if you still have feelings for the person. Just because you think they are better than sliced bread doesn't mean you want to be in a relationship with them. You care about them on some level and you don't want to hurt them, but you have to so that you don't lead them on--and that's the catch 22.

(I don't know if any of that made any sense....)

Exactly. This makes perfect sense. I think in my situation, she had to have suspected it was coming though. We had too many fights for her not to know. I didn't feel I could please her because everything I did for her just wasn't enough. The gifts I bought, the time I spent with her etc. It sucks for me because I still do have feelings for her, and probably always will, but something had to give. Like you said, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her in any way, but if I didn't it would have been the same thing over and over again. I'm not sure how much sense that makes, but if I didn't she wouldn't have either.

Fights don't always indicate the end of a relationship to both parties.

My last long term relationship ended about 2.5 years ago. Towards the end we fought all the time, but I always thought we would work it out. I knew we were fighting and I knew I was pissed at him (as he was at me) more than we were happy with each other. But, I always believed we would work it out and stay together. Looking back now, I can see that it never would have worked and that the fighting was the indication of the end, but my poor little love stricken heart never would have seen it.

On the contrary, I was recently seeing this guy. Nothing serious--no commitment, but we had been seeing each other for about two months. He stopped calling as often and wasn't making time to see me. I knew it was ending but I liked him enough to let it drag out until he ended it. It still sucked when he called to say he didn't see it going anywhere long term, but I knew he was right.

I was the dumper in my last relationship (which lasted over two years). It did really suck, and I felt really guilty and bad. He was/is a really great guy, and he hadn't done anything wrong--I just changed, and fell out of love with him. But I definitely still cared a lot about him, and I really hated hurting him, though staying in the relationship after I realized I had to end it (which I did for a month), hurt him too, because he could tell I was getting distant, and he couldn't figure out why or how to change it.

That said, he was definitely way more heartbroken than me, and in the end I would rather be guilty than heartbroken. After all, I knew I was doing the right thing, for both of us, even if it sucked, whereas he was just in a lot of pain. Fortunately, he's moved on and we remain good friends.

I've been both and to be honest most of the time both suck. Last time wasn't too bad though - it was mutual. Unfortunately, most relationships don't end that way.

dumper. it's on your terms.

This. 100%.

I don't know...something one of my college roommate's moms said stuck with me. "Women usually break up with men when they've thought about it for a long time first, which is usually why they move on so much quicker when they've done the dumping."

That said, I think being the dumper is better....yeah, you might feel bad for a bit, but at least you're usually over it quicker.

The first person to have sex with someon new, wins.


It is usually better to be the dumper because you can have a backup in place. The dumpee might have a backup but they might be caught offguard and not have a backup.

dumpee is better!
 

I have been the dumper in numerous relationships. Then you can get shit from their friends and such. At least if you are the dumpee, the friends of the ex and everyone else will comfort you as best they can. Especially if the guys are controlling. I almost had to get a restraining order for my last ex. NOT GOOD. Believe me I tried to get out ASAP, but he didn't want to look bad from his guy friends. Then he dumped me after our Valentines Day stuff. Great I know?! :rolleyes: So SO glad I am done with him!

How passive agressive of you. :rolleyes: I did the same thing to my first boyfriend, but then I realized what an asshole I was and grew up.

That is cowardly and passive aggressive.

Loser.

Truly a loser.

Believe me it backfires.

When I dumped my ex, everybody was on my side.

They knew who she really was and also my I don't care attitude.

I was so done, I used to tell folks "I don't care what she says, its true. We over."

Thus the reason why I'm suing Chrisette Michelle. LOL

Ha!

Dude, your signature. LMAOOOOOOO

:D

the laughter is contaigous. k_s i'm considering this revenge for my siggy.

Damn you...I clicked it again :mad:

I can't keep looking at mo naked hoes. This is terrible for my productivity lol

So you're that person no one ever wants to date... cool.
So I clicked that thing for the first time... good lord lol... it is horrible!

I really want to know what dude is saying lol

lol I'm gunna have to watch the movies with no sound until I see mo naked hoes.

I can't link pics because I'm still at the hospital, but it's "po-ta-toes"

Which is anachronistic because Middle Earth is a history of England and potatoes are a new world product, but it's true to the text.

/nerd

Agreed :)

But thank you lol

It's official. Being the dumpee sucks.

It's so ironic for this thread to be near the top today because, about 10 minutes ago, I got dumped.....by the 14 yo girl I mentor. :( On Wednesday, we made plans for today and when I just called, she'd changed her mind. She said she's just not interested in seeing me anymore, she doesn't have the time (uh HELLO you're 14 and it's summer!!!). It's so awkward, I have her b-day present that I was gonna drop off....I don't know whether to just put it in the mail or actually see her again. This feels like a real breakup, she even gave me the "it's not you, it's me" line. WTH? Did I do something wrong? Do I just suck? This hurts more than the one time I actually was dumped by a guy. :( I miss being the "dumper," this is not a good feeling at all.

http://images.cheezburger.com/comple...6309089450.gif

I can control what I see now!

Ha, I actually have the po-ta-toes gif saved if you needed more help :p

I've been in that situation and I know it's hard. If you get to the point where you just have to sit down and write out a "see ya later" letter (not email or text), then do that. Face to face discussions sometimes go off on tangents and you don't get to put your point across.

Letters are for losers unless you're writing the letter AND having the face to face discussion.

If the other person doesn't let you say what you want to say, and is borderline emotionally abusive, sometimes it's the only way to do it.

No, you're not too lazy, you don't want to be the "bad guy" so you make sure she decides the relationship has been over for a while.

Borderline? What's that.

The biggest lessons in life come from being assertive and learning how to start and STOP something head on. Ponies don't piss rainbows regardless of whether we're talking about Greekdom or other aspects of life.

Ideal =/= reality.

Life isn't as complicated as people insist on making it.

Not always, but we do a lot of things for our safety and writing a letter is active rather than the passive "make her dump me" bullshit.

You have to realize I'm talking about this from the perspective of a 19 year old with her first serious boyfriend. Anytime I mentioned even staying together but also seeing other people, he made me feel guilty and like he might harm himself. I tried the "make him dump me" tactic and way overestimated the amount of male pride he had. Suffice it to say that I almost got to a point where I didn't think there was a way out of it.

Nowadays, of course, I'm a much bigger bitch and would say "if you off yourself, that's really not my problem."

I'm glad you developed your inner bitch. :)

I still don't understand how writing a break up letter is anything beyond passive aggressive, patronizing, and insulting. You feel no way out and that he may hurt himself if you break up face to face but he can't stalk you or kill himself if you write a letter?