The Single's Bucket List
 

I've noticed that, whenever people have been married awhile, they occasionally launch into the old "Things I wish I had done when I was still single" speech. Well, as a perpetually single person, I decided this weekend that I don't want to have a speech like that. I'm taking advantage of my unmarried time by making a list of stuff I want to do before I'm married. What's some of the stuff you guys wish you had done before you and the attachments and responsibilities that came with marriage?

(and before anyone asks, traveling is #1 on The List!)

I've never been married, but I think there's always going to be something that comes up that you wish you would have done before you got married. Maybe it's just me, but I honestly don't think I'll ever do everything I want to do before I get married. The same thing can apply as we age. Things we wish we would have done in college or highschool etc. Still a good topic to chat about.

I, personally, think it's easier to just pack up your stuff and leave one day for an indefinite amount of time in Europe, Asia, Canada, where ever you want to go-as a single person. Once you're married, your spouse may not want to go, will probably want a time line, etc.

Not in a selfish manner. Then again, many of us with concerned families (other than a spouse) and professional responsibilities couldn't travel for an indefinite amount of time.

I don't have a singles bucket list.

Agreed on both counts - I think at a certain point, professional responsibilities end up having more of a limiting effect on these "bucket list" items than marriage.

I don't have a singles bucket list either; if I felt like my single life was somehow incomplete, I probably wouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

Count me in among those who don't have a singles bucket list. It's probably fair to say, however, that my husband and I both have a "before kids" bucket list. Since we hadn't been planning a family when we got pregnant with our first, it kinda caught us off guard, forcing us to put a few things on hold.

That makes complete sense. Any chance that you will get some of those things done?

I don't know if I would call this my "bucket list" but it was/is important for me to learn to live on my own, and do some things for myself. I was admittedly pretty spoiled growing up, and then lived either in my sorority house or with roomies for all of college. There were just a lot of things I never really had to take care of for myself and I'm glad I've had some time to live on my own.

Absolutely!

(Says the mother of two toddlers. Two toddlers who drain my energy supply daily. The same energy supply that I had planned to use to do those fun things hubby and I had planned to do. I dunno...maybe I'm in denial. 'Absolutely' might be too strong a word.)

Yep. The only thing I would say is live alone - not just to learn to take care of yourself, but to look around and say "this is MY couch. MY apartment. Arranged MY way. I chose it, all on my own, and no one else did." That's a feeling that you don't get if you go from parents to college housing to marriage.

I totally agree.

YES.

I don't have a bucket list per se, but I definitely wanted to travel and live on my own before I started a family.

Completely agree. I've learned so much about myself, my style and my habits by living on my own.

I should add... My "before kids" bucket list never got to happen because the little darlings surprised me with an appearance a couple years before I was ready. I can honestly say now though, I have a "once the kids are in college" list going and it's getting longer by the day. 5 more years :)

When you're single, you can crash on a friend's couch when you go visit them. A group of friends can kip in on one hotel room. You only have your work schedule to plan vacations around.

When you're married, have two work schedules to plan around, and a lot of people buy a house, or start saving for one, pretty soon after they get married. If your friends don't have guest bedrooms yet, it's a hotel for you. Since people have finite numbers of vacation days, and not everyone lives close to their families like they did two generations ago, it's not easy to plan a vacation and still make sure you have enough time off for the year to visit his family for Christmas and yours for Thanksgiving.

I'm really glad I got my crazy world travel experiences under my belt early on--it would be hard to schedule 3 weeks backpacking in Southeast Asia with a real job! :)

Well, I wanted to get my degree before I settled down, and that's done.

Don't really have other things that I absolutely must do while single. :thinking:

This can also happen when you're married and it can also NOT happen if you're single, depending on your circumstances. :)

I think a lot of this has to do with what people have going on in their lives and is not about being single versus married.

Provided (1) you can afford it and (2) you have a job where they don't care if you just all of a sudden pack up your stuff and leave the country indefinitely. Good luck with that. ;)

Exactly. As a married father reading through this, I keep wondering why would being married in and of itself (or even being a parent, in and of itself) keep you from doing the things you really want to do?

You make choices in life, and if there's something you want to do that matters, you figure out how to make it happen. "But I can't because I'm married" sounds like an excuse to me. (Well, except for the obvious "can't/won't do that because I'm married" things. :D)

Yeah, I guess I was just thinking about the things that were easier for me to do when I was single, compared to when I was living with ex-boy; I was also thinking about where my friends and I are in our lives. No one has room for more than one couch-crashing guest.

I have noticed that now that the kids are gone and retirement is the reality, my parents do all sorts of crazy stuff that's not too dissimilar from what I was doing a few years ago! Money + no obligations = party time, apparently.

As for me and my "before kids" list, there are a couple things hubby and I want(ed) to do that are dangerous enough that we don't feel like it's fair to our kids for us to do them. For instance, we've always wanted to go skydiving. While that's probably technically safe enough (after all, there are numerous safety measures in place), we're just afraid of the risk. We wouldn't have that fear if it were just the two of us.

I can't speak to the "being married" part anymore, but I can speak to the parent part. I'm very limited as to what I can do because of my kids, but it is still my choice for right now. What I want to do right now is be around so that my teens know I'm keeping tabs on them. With kids, I have to own a home big enough for them to live in, even if I'd prefer a one bedroom condo with no lawn mowing and snow blowing required. With kids, I have to live within 100 miles of my ex-husband AND be able to get them to school every day that they are in my custody because the court says so. With a 50-50 custody arrangement, you're pretty limited and restricted to remaining in a certain geographic area. I choose to be limited as to how much I can date/be in a relationship because I choose to keep that part of my life completely and totally separate from my kids. I'm looking for a partner for me, not a dad for them and I'm not comfortable with them going through relationship ups and downs along with me, so I won't involve them. I also am much more limited financially while supporting two kids than I would be if it was "just me".

But, once that youngest is in college, I'm moving to Atlanta to be with the man who I have wanted to be with for the last 9 years. That's the bucket list, post-parenthood :)

I don't even have a "bucket list" perhaps because I hate the term, but sure there are things I want to do, but having a ceremony and a marriage license doesn't change that. Even having a spouse, kids, house, if I wanted to do something I'd make it happen, and I doubt I'd get into a relationship where I felt limited in doing things I wanted to do (or get out of one if it became an issue).

I've already done a lot of crazy stuff, which I guess is the positive of not getting married in, or right after college.

I'm counting the days for you! Good luck!

But just to play devil's advocate, is this really a bucket list of what to do before kids? Is this something you wish you'd done before you had kids or is this dealing with what came along after you had kids?

Ahhh...therein lies the rub. :) Almost all of our friends have houses with guest bedrooms. No need to literally crash a couch. You figuratively crash it.

On roadtrips where we stay in hotels without significant others, everyone stays in the same room. Queen beds, pull-out couches, cots, etc.

This won't be a weekly thing nor will people always have the time, energy, and interest in doing these things. But, they aren't impossible to do when you're not single. They are just reserved for homecomings, holiday gatherings, and annual chapter reunions. :)

Yeah, my mother does this with "the gals" from time to time. So cute!

That's the thing - when I think of the "limiting factors," so to speak, in my life, the first things that come to mind are law school and work. Maybe I'm looking at things the wrong way, but I can't think of a way in which I've been limited by my marriage.

I mean, you're limited in the sense that it's generally frowned upon to grab a hot tub full of hookers in Vegas once you're married - but certainly you can probably live that dream if you're so inclined. It's just a matter of division of assets at that point.

The term "bucket list" makes me want to put a bucket onto my head and bang it repeatedly with a hammer - but the thought of 'limiting' myself in any way based on something as simple and as temporal as "life situation" kind of sucks (barring kid situations, which are more give-and-take than anything). Maybe I'm a bit capricious, but if I want to do something, I usually just do it - whether that's skydiving, bar rats, travel, cardio kickboxing or eating an entire cheese pizza, just for me.

On the other hand, I would actually laugh if a woman said to me, "before we get married, I have all of these things I want to do, so I'd better get cracking!" Yep, looks like you better, Ms. I Need Life Milemarkers To Fill In An Imaginary List. I'll grab a drink.

As a public school teacher who is awesome at saving money--I don't think I'll really have a problem with that.

As long as I leave after school ends and get back by the first workday, that is....:rolleyes:

I did the whole "Europe tour" thing in high school. Hopefully, I'll save for a few more years and have the money to spend a few weeks relaxing in Switzerland.

The Weekly or Monthly (it depends) Marriage Commandments:

Couples shalt do childless dates.

Couples shalt do childless gatherings with other couples.

Couples shalt do childless and spouseless gatherings with childless and spouseless friends.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

Amen and Amen.

Let the church say amen.

HA! "keep the change, ya filthy animal"

That's it. I don't have really anything else to add. :)

Only time will tell if that dream will ever become a reality! I've left it in God's hands. If he's truly my soulmate and we're meant to be together, we will be, eventually.

No, it's not a bucket list of things to do before kids. It's just an example of how being a parent can limit you. That definitely came along after I had kids and was divorced.

I did not finish grad school the first time around because I got pregnant though. I did want to get my Masters in Clinical Psychology before kids but didn't because I was simply not capable of working full time, maintaining a household, caring for an infant AND going to grad school. But then, had my ex-husband been more supportive/capable at the time, I may have been able to pull it off. Since I no longer work in that field, I think, ultimately, things work out the way they're supposed to. At the time though, I was pretty upset at the realization that the Masters wasn't going to happen.

But, ultimately, I think you're right. It's not marriage or parenthood specifically that limits you... although who you choose to marry can limit you a lot... and if it does, then you probably married the wrong person! Partners should be able to encourage and support each other in following their dreams, not be a limiting factor. And, I think, family support is a big determining factor in how limited you are as a parent. I have friends who've been able to travel sans kids because the grandparents are able to take the kids for a week here and there. Others don't have that luxury.

Parenthood involves a lot of sacrifices. But, since they are done out of the most intense love you'll ever feel, it doesn't feel bad to make those sacrifices.

I wouldn't call it a bucket list but I did have certain expectations of what I wanted myself to achieve before settling into a long-term relationship. The only thing I didn't have done before moving in with live-in was starting my career, but now that that seems to be starting I guess that's getting towards done too.

Notice I'm not saying "before marriage" because as much as I believe in and support the institution of marriage you can have a relationship that's just as healthy, committed and stable without. Not that I'm saying "I'll never get married" because I probably will, but it's important to remember that often times when you move in with someone, married or not, you're only qualified as a "single" on your taxes.

This would be why I wanted to finish the degree first. As it was, the writing process caused some difficulty in many of my relationships, romantic and otherwise.

Not that I would expect that the man that I would marry would not be supportive of me, but I just wanted to have the time to focus completely and selfishly on finishing, so that I wouldn't still be in my program after 7 or 8 years.

Someone else mentioned having her own place. That wasn't so big for me, (though I have done it) but I really strongly urged one of my friends to live by herself before she got married. I really thought that she needed that experience. I am happy that she was able to do that.

I meant to respond to this earlier. I agree pretty much with all you said, and I'm pulling for you! :D

My parents and both sets of grandparents have over 150 years of marriage between them; they definitely followed these rules. :)


Yeah, I have a co-worker whose life revolves around her baby daughter. She has never spent a night away from the little girl and will admit that another kid won't happen for obvious reasons (if you know what I mean). People have to make the relationship a priority even when the kid is born and awesome. It's a little sad, but that's the way she likes to roll now.