Room for Individual Growth?
 

For the first time this year, I am regretting being a part of the greek system. I recently feel like I am not allowed to grow as an individual. Just the little things of being told what to wear, what to do, and being careful of not giving your sorority a bad name have been making me very doubful of this whole thing. We should all be accepted no matter what.

Why is it sooo important that we must act our best at a frat party, or that we must dress well to meeting (because sometimes, after a long day of classes, i dont have time to fully dress-up for meeting, esp when i live off campus). Whatever happened to intellectual freedom? Whatever happened to accepting your sister for who she is?

1.) When are you being told what to wear? If it is only at business meetings and ritual ceremonies, I don't see the problem here. Like with any professional job, they will tell you that you need to wear business attire.. and I'm sure you won't argue and show up in the morning wearing sweatpants, complaining that you had to drive from all the way across town at 7:30am. I'll bet you've been through other ceremonies in your life... graduation, religious rituals, etc. and there are certain things to wear there, also. Did you complain then? And with a sorority, these events don't usually last any more than an hour or two. Is it really that terrible? If, on the other hand, you're being told what to wear for new member activities, that's an entirely different story. And yes, that's wrong.

2.) If fellow sorority members are telling you specifically what you can and can't do, then that is also a problem. I think I need some examples.

3.) I don't know why you'd be upset about sisters not wanting the sorority to have a bad name. What activities are you participating in that would make other students look at you in a negative light? And why would you want to partake in such things?

If this is simply about wanting to wear jeans and a sweatshirt to formal occasions, and wanting to freely be a drunk slut, I don't know what to tell you. College is supposed to prepare you for the real world, and being in a sorority enhances that educational process. If that's not what you want, then maybe being in a sorority isn't for you.

What does intellectual freedom have to do dress requirements or being expected to act with some maturity? (Hint: the answer is nothing.)

You say that you feel like you're "not allowed to grow as an individual," but frankly it sounds more like you don't really want to grow. You'd rather just have fun. Growing as an individual would mean getting ready now for the real world after college, when there are times (which, depending on your job, could be everyday) that you have to dress appropriately, whether you feel like it or not.

You dress nicely for meetings (1) as an indication of respect and (2) because believe it or not, how people are dressed really does affect how they conduct themselves. You act appropriately at parties because your sisters have a reasonable expectation not to be embarrassed by their association with you.

Ditto on AST and MC. I would hope that you would want to grow as an individual by representing yourself well through both proper dress and actions. I personally don't see the real problem without more concrete examples from the OP.

I'd be very upset if I wanted to get a chapter subscription to the New York Times to read the morning after I got wasted and danced on tables, and my sisters required everyone to only read USAToday. What if the sister in charge of the bookclub is just as controlling about what fiction we can read, as she is about appropriate badge attire? If I suggest Catcher in the Rye or Lady Chatterly's Lover, even The Color Purple they'll say NO, and tell me to change out of my low rise pants because my midriff was showing while I had my badge on. I mean what if I wanted to get my letters on the front of some panties or wear them in a wet t-shirt concert during break? Oh and you should see the test files for the chapter, we're not allowed to pursue any hard majors since it a) can mess up our GPA and b) studying interferes with partying, so there isn't anything for my major and classes, so I guess I have to change my major to fit into my sorority.

I'm grown and I do what I want!

I agree with everyone else. Sounds like you just want to do whatever you wish, while representing the sorority and it doesn't work that way. While you're representing the organization there are standards and protocol. If you don't want to comply with those standards, go inactive and don't wear letters. It's simple.

Exactly! When you are wearing your letters you must remember that you are representing something bigger than yourself! You are representing the values and ideals of your sisterhood! If you are upset because you can't wear your letters to a frat party and get drunk with them on, then you:

1. Need to grow up
2. Remember what your letters represent
3. Grow up!

Wow.

This has been blown entirely out of proportion.

This is simply not about "I wanna wear sweatpants and be a slut"

When I go to work, (no matter how tired I am) I absolutely do not mind dressing myself up and presenting myself in the best possible way. Because in this case you will be encountering many people that do not know you and will be expecting great service from you, and if you do not look presentable, then they might not take you seriously.

But I feel like being with your sisters in your chapter room at meeting is entirely different. I guess the problem I am having right now is that your sisters should accept you, no matter what. I am completely up for being committed and being there when the chapter needs me, but I also want them to understand that we cannot all be perfect. I am sorry for not initially giving examples. This is mainly because I do not want to be identified. And when I was talking about frat parties, I did not mean getting hammered in my letters. We are not allowed to wear our letters to frat parties. I meant, for example, there are times when I am tired, and don’t end up socializing as much as I can, and some of my ‘sisters’ penalize me for that, saying that I was not representing the sorority well. At meeting the other day, one of my sisters actually was asked to suck in her stomach! She was just feeling very bloated that night, and couldn’t help it! I am finding the idea of being controlled ridiculous, and completely irrelevant to when I’m working at my job, or being out in the real world. I absolutely do not mind my boss telling me what to do. I respect that. He is paying me. But not when people I expect to be my sisters, telling me to be perfect.

I am just sick of being judged by people that are supposed to stand by me ...

The problem is that you think that you only have to look presentable when dealing with people that you don't know. What if you went to your sorority's convention? In a business meeting with a very large number of your sisters, would you dress up because you don't know them? Or dress down because they're your sisters and they should let you be yourself?

The issue I see here is that you're complaining about looking presentable in a business setting. You can always dress up but add your own style to it. I've seen people in badge attire wearing a suit, with a button-down shirt and very subtle jewelry. And I know one of my sisters, who was more artistic and a little different, would often come to meetings in a colorful long skirt, a black or white shirt, and larger, more colorful jewelry. You can add your own touches while being dressed up.

On the other hand, if some sisters are telling others (either directly or indirectly) that they're too fat, that's a problem. They should also understand that sometimes, people just aren't in the mood to party. Being tired isn't any reason to look down on someone. And in what way are they penalizing you for this?

Why would you wear your letters at a party? One has to dress well at a party. Especially fraternity parties.

Penalizing for not partying? Sounds like a rad sorority.

You're so rebellious.

I am not expecting anyone to agree with me. I just wanted to see if anyone has ever felt similar feelings. Just the whole process is making me feel like I'm some little girl that needs to be taken care of.

and to just to clarify again : I do not mind looking presentable in a BUSINESS setting. but not when im at school with my friends/sisters.

Chapter meeting = business meeting

This made me smile. :)

Yeah, I've worn jeans to chapter meeting and dared somebody to say anything about it.

They never did.

<----- a beast.

Cool aaaaand tough.

Impressive.

Being in a sorority DOES require following certain rules. I can understand how you feel about dressing up for meetings, and I understand chafing at rules. Perhaps sorority life is not for you.. if not, do yourself, and your chapter a favor, and deactivate.

Just an FYI -- this reads to me like "I don't mind showing respect in a business setting by dressing appropriately, but I don't want to have to show respect to my sisters/friends/sorority/a fraternity hosting a party at which I am a guest."

If you were always having to dress up, I could see your point, but the only examples you've given are chapter meetings and parties at which you are a guest -- two occassions when it is not at all unreasonable to expect people to dress appropriately. How does all of this make you feel like your sisters are demanding that you be perfect, or to use your first phrase, how is it keeping you from growing as an individual? I'm just not getting it.

Leave and be happy. Nothing to it.

FunGirl123, what year are you in? Did you join this year?

I ask this because a lot of last term seniors may feel this way, but if you're a freshman or sophmore, I think you need to sleep on your decision. You've been given some seriously good advice.

So basically you find it's important to dress up and impress strangers but are unwilling to show the same respect to the sisters you love?

If the comments and judgments from sisters are typical - i.e. your example of someone being told to suck in her stomach, and they happen often, then, you might express your concerns to your standards officer...BUT, make sure you are clearly complaining about something like the stomach comment and not about dressing appropriately for chapter or being told to better represent your group when in a social setting.

As mentioned in earlier posts, sorority responsibilities are a good training ground for the real world. There are societal and corporate rules for the big world - You cannot just "be who you are and throw caution to the wind" in the adult world. It does not work like that...so consider these restrictions a practice round.

You can't always have everything on your terms...You can't be a hard worker and support your group, but stop short of cooperating 100%.

Being tired or living off campus shouldn't be an excuse for not dressing appropriately in any situation. Understanding that expectations of “proper dress” may differ across the country, I’m sure that you could find something that is both appropriate and comfortable to wear on the particularly long days when you just don’t feel like it. Being part of a group means playing by their rules. I’m just sorry that you feel you cannot express your individuality in a way that appropriately matches those rules.

As far as the stomach comments, are these only an issue when people are dressing up or do they occur in everyday situations (classes, library, etc.)? I can't seem to draw the line between the two points you are trying to make.

And is it just me, or did anyone else feel "special" when they were dressed up on campus? Now, in the business world, I don't really get the same feeling about it because I do it every day. But when in college, if I was dressed up for the entire day, I always got questions from my non-Greek friends, and even from some people in class.

Actually, that was one way that I got a student interested in Greek life. She was a friend of a friend, and when I sat with them at lunch, my friend asked, "A sorority event today?" When I said yes, her friend asked, sounding pleasantly surprised, "You dress up for sorority events?" I started talking to her about it, and she joined the chapter the next semester.

It's amazing what looking good can do for you.

In undergrad if we were all dressed up (which, btw, was every Monday plus Sunday nights for chapter), we looked sooooooooo fierce!

When I was in grad school I dressed up so much that people didn't really notice - I stuck out from some other students but I only got comments when I wore my red heels or a full on suit.

Earlier this week I was talking to a friend from grad school about a part of a particular hiring process where you want to be comfortable but still look professional and he said "Listen, not to gross you out or anything because we're friends but when you had presentations in class and wore a suit instead of a nice skirt or pants and a nice top, you looked so hot I think most of our classmates would have followed you to the end of the Earth."

It made me blush but let's face it, a well-dressed lady, no matter her size, looks AMAZING. It just gives off the aura of power, and I know I've said this on greekchat before but power is SEXY.

Your sisters DO accept you no matter what. But they're trying to prepare you for that beast of a place after college know as "The Real World".

Chapter is NOT an informal setting. It's a meeting; consequently, you should be in an appropriate, professional mood. What sets off a professional mood better than professional attire?

If you can't wear sweatpants to Grey's Anatomy nights, I could see complaining. However, your dress codes are for situations where you are either (1) expected to act professional or (2) representing your group (such as those fraternity parties). Do you also complain about recruitment dress codes?

When Greeks at my school b*** and moan about how there are so many rules and how we have to act appropriately always and represent our organization, do you know what we're told by our Greek advisors?

Tough, because by accepting that pin with those letters, you are accepting being held to a higher standard than an average college student. You are held to a higher GPA, more community service hours, and overall, to be a more responsible human being.

That's what your sisters are for: to hold you to a higher standard. Not an impossible standard (no one deserves that), but a HIGHER standard. The purpose of any sorority is to make women into better women and that's what your sisters are doing.

If you can't live with that, I would suggest leaving. Because no one is going to tell your chapter (not nationals, not Greek advisors, not even your parents) to lower their standards. They're trying to create upstanding ladies.

I'm almost done with college and I'm at the point in life where I'm doing all sorts of interviews and pre-professional things. I am SO glad my chapter has held me to such a high standard. I know how to dress for interviews. I know how to hold myself and how to act around others. I know how to make a darn good first impression. That's the benefit to being held to that high standard.

Also, from the title of this thread, it appears you've blown the situation out of proportion. They aren't stifling your individual growth... they're helping you out in the long run.

Yes, I did, too. If you look dressed up, you'll feel special. A big thing when I was in school was to wear your pin on test days.

I keep sitting here trying to figure out how dressing like a slob in a business meeting and behaving immaturely in public is "growth". Individual "expression" perhaps, but certainly not growth. Growth indicates maturity and dressing for success, developing good etiquette skills and poise are growth. You can, most certainly, express yourself individually within that context.

I hated getting dressed up in college, too. I didn't have much in the way of nice clothes ( I spent all my money spoiling my 3 littles.) I dressed up anyway. It may have not been my favorite type of dress, but it was good PR. It's not like I had to do it every day! Suck it up...sometimes you have to do things for the good of the chapter not just for yourself!

My chapter wasn't required to dress up on Mondays when we had formal meeting, but we were on a point system and we could earn a point for wearing badge attire all day instead of just to meeting. If dressing up all day is optional, why not wear comfy clothes to class and put your badge atttire in your bag if you have to go straight from class to meeting?

The misuse of Intellectual Freedom made me giggle a few days ago, and still now.

Are you required to attend all parties or do you have the option to decline one every now and then, like when you are not feeling 100% or are stressed about something? And is your penalty something tangible (like a fine) or more like a scolding? Just wondering whether the punishment is in balance with the infraction.

On the surface it may seem silly for your chapter to expect you to be "on" at every fraternity mixer. However, I'm sure you realize that when you attend a party with another group and sit there like a bump on the log, your behavior could have an unintended impact on your sisters. Once the fraternities get the perception that the sisters of XYZ sorority are no fun to mix with, your invitations will dry up. That could even impact your recruitment in the years to come, starting a spiral that's hard to control.

I'm going to buck the trend of people telling you to deactivate. Instead, I encourage you to run for a leadership position within the chapter. I think being a leader will give you a whole different perspective, as you start to see how tightly interwoven the individual behaviors of the members are, and the impact they have on the long-term health of the whole chapter. In the meantime, you might suggest that the chapter exec board give each sister one get-out-of-party-free pass to use when they know they won't be in the right mindset, maybe one per year. It's better for someone not to be there at all than to be there and embarrass her sisters by her non-social behavior. Just don't abuse it!

If the standard attire on your campus is sweats and you have to wear a business suit for meetings, I can see where that would stick in your craw. FWIW we never dressed up for meetings either, but considering they were held on Sunday night it was a miracle we crawled out of bed, period.

If you like dressing up otherwise but it's the fact that the sorority is telling you to do it that's annoying you, sorority life just might not be for you. Depending on the chapter, things can either be laid back or very rigid. Yours sounds like it's on the rigid end of the scale.

i'm with ya, i've never had a dress code for meetings and every sorority girl that ever showed up at our parties had letters on in some fashion. whether it was their jackets, shirts, or the water bottles filled with vodka you guys love so much. either way, the sorority is not a job that's paying you to dress that way. why do you have to look a certain way to represent your organization? shouldn't actions outweigh appearance? especially in a private setting like a meeting? of course, you had to have known about this before you joined, so did you agree with it then and just decide that you don't like it recently?

Aren't you the same poster that in a risk management thread agreed with using minor hazing in the form of physical punishment and abusive language? How on earth can you be in favor of "individual growth" and still advocate for hazing pledges at the same time? I think that you sir have a lot to learn about respect and brotherhood. Furthermore, you likely have not experienced the same campus culture as the OP so it is entirely possible that what is the acceptable norm on your campus would not be accepted on hers.

Ok so getting upset about having to dress up for formal meeting..............I agree with what the other posters have said here, so Im not going to re-hash it all.

But your sisters getting upset because you are not socializing with every fraternity boy at a party is a little suspect to me. So is telling someone to suck in their stomach, ESP while bloated. I get crazy bloated once a month and if during that time someone asked ME to suck in my stomach...........well, they wouldnt be a very happy person (mostly because for me, bloated=PMS=moodiness galore)

yes i am the same poster and i still feel the same way. i never once in my other thread mentioned physical punishment or abusive language. don't read into things that aren't there. i simply mentioned how going through something difficult can build cohesiveness among a pledge class. i've seen what these other organizations call brotherhood, wearing letters simply for the networking and the gains that come from being a brother in the long term, not for the actual ideals of brotherhood and a bond that surpasses the college experience. this post however, had nothing to do with any of that. i simply stated my opinion on the subject. feel free to read into this thread and find things that aren't there as well. why should she have to forced to socialize if she doesn't want to? is that sisterhood? really? that sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. telling another sister to suck in her stomach? wow, if that's sisterhood, thank goodness i'm a guy and didn't have to experience any of that.

I think that when it comes to YOUR letters you should want to take pride in the organization, when you joined, you kind of gave up your individuality in a sense becase ppl will refer to you as ____the xyz. remember everything is supposed to shape you in some type of way, even after you become a member of the organization. I am not saying you are a bad reflection on the sorority, but people look at ALL of the member and not just the individual....you gave up that right when you accepted the letters....or pursued the letters!!

If you actually read the threads you post in instead of just the first and/or last posts you will realize that the risk management thread had to do with hazing during pledgeshipin the form of physical demands and verbal abuse (to which you agreed to by calling it "hardship") and that in this thread the OP questions why she should have to follow the standards and requests of her sorotity to dress appropritely for meetings (to which you seem to disagree with). I just wanted to point out the difference in your two responses because I cannot understand how you can advocate for "group hardship" to build brotherhood yet stand up for the individual when she is asked to dress for meetings and thus building sisterhood. And to further clarify, I don't like that the OP was asked to "suck it in" but, had you read all of the posts in this thread, you would notice that I asked her to clarify because they seem like two seperate issues (dressing appropriately for meetings vs. being hazed about physical features) without any response to date from the OP. So actually, I do see a very strong and common link between the two threads and am curious as to where you stand. Finally, don't assume that this type of behavior is only on the sorority side of Greek Life as I know of many fraternal organizations that require dress standards for their brothers at meetings and I would not consider it a "hardship" to dress appropriately.