mistreated by my sorority?
 

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I would say to continue to stick it out, especially since it has meant so much to you. New member period is transitional and it can be difficult to find your place. With girls being unfriendly, sororities have a wide variety of girls in them, some you will get along with, some you will not. Eventually you will find your place.

For clarification:

You are a new member as of this semester and you are in week three/four of your new member program? Also, will you eventually get a permanent "big?"

I feel like (from what I've read on GC) your friends with the amazing experiences just haven't hit that new member depression yet, but they will. Rush is a lot of work and maybe the really good rushers are kind of burned out and you're now experiencing the rest of the chapter in total.

If you were my daughter or friend, I'd tell you to look on the bright side of your experience, which is most of it. PLUS I'd wager that your life will be changed by experiencing the ritual -- it will be a rite of passage for you and a rite of intensification for your chapter sisters.

I dunno, I can't answer as a sorority member, but as a human being, I bet you'll be fine.

Have you asked any of your pledge sisters (do they still call them that?) what their experience has been? Perhaps you were just unlucky enough to get a couple of less than friendly sisters. Or maybe you just got them on an off week. I'm sorry your new member period has been less than stellar so far. You seem to love your pledge sisters so I would remind you that the older girls will graduate but these are the girls you will be with for 4 years.

With all due respect..... it might not be what sisterhood is about, but perhaps it's what sorority life is all about. I'm struggling to understand what your basis for comparison is.

Okay, so you feel you are connecting with only 25% of your chapter (3/1 - based on your previous post). Concentrate on that 25% and make an effort to organize activities with your pledge sisters. You can't "make" someone behave the way you would like - but once you are an active you can be the kind of sister to new members that you wish you had connected with.

ED- Im curious in what sense the one temp big was rude to you would you be able to explain.

I had a bad experience with my two temp bigs I had before I actually got my real big. Neither of them bothered to hang out with me or anything when I had them and then the one dropped out of taking a little when we lost some of our new girls. I immediately thought that since they didnt hang out with me they didn't like me. I ranked the one temp big I had left at the bottom of my list for bigs. MY MISTAKE! It ended up that her and I were really close not necessarily in the big/little sense but we always hung out with each other and towards the end of pledging when my grandmother past away she was there to comfort me and she told me how she lost a grandparent when she pledged too.

Also, throughout my new member period I really felt like a loner whether it be with my pledge sisters or the actual sisters. It wasn't until the end of the semester that I really made the connections of a sisterly bond with my now sisters.

If you look around on this website I am sure you will read this several times. Sisterhood isn't an instantaneous bond. It's something that has to be cultivated and worked at and then over time it will strengthen and you will see the true beauty of it

Ed Hardy is the most disgusting brand of clothes I've ever seen.

Mistreated is a strong word, especially for what you are experiencing. This is not mistreatment.

I "ditto" all of the above responders who say that you have to do some of the work here and make an effort. Remember, these girls wanted you, so they want to keep you around, but they aren't going to do it all for you.

Also, the weeks after recruitment involve alot of "catch up" time for the sorority. Members have often put their lives, jobs, and academics on hold for recruitment and now are trying to catch up. This is not an excuse, but part of the after-recruitment reality.

Finally, joining a sorority is NOT "buying friends", therefore you should not expect to throw down your money and get instant friends. You have a built-in connection with these ladies via your letters, cultivate that and start building friendships within your pledge class and with the actives who spend time with you.

I would also second all the people who have said it's a two way street. Quite honestly, maybe the actives are saying "We loved her during recruitment, but she just sits there during chapter and never makes an effort". They may be obsessing over the new "babies" that come to all the events and make an effort to meet all the new sisters. It could also be true that the girls in your chapter are rude, but I would try calling your temporary bigs and older sisters and planning something yourself. If they were so-so on you because they thought you were uninterested, you could easily become one of the most loved new members.

I TOTALLY AGREE.

If a new member is sitting back, and not really talking to anyone. Most girls will assume she just doesn't want to be bothered.

Active sisters are going to gravitate toward the new members who are making the MOST effort to hang out and be part of the group.

Just my two cents....depending on how big your chapter is they may have no clue who you are. Take the time to re-introduce yourself. Don't take everything as a slight b/c chances are it isn't.

Responding to your post by talking about my own experience:

a turning point for me was when I started making the effort to get to know the sisters. I tend to sit back and absorb what is happening around me rather than jump right in. I remember when I was a "pledge" that I was hanging out with a guy who was pledging a fraternity and I wondered out loud what I should do that evening and he said, "Why don't you go to the sorority house?" And I did - I started going over there whenever I had free time and just hanging out in different girls' rooms. And since I was there, people started asking me to do things - help with homecoming, go get dessert, etc.

My taking the initiative led to officer positions, including chapter president.

When I became a sister-mother, I treated my sister-daughter the way that I wanted to be treated. Don't get me wrong - I am still friends with my sister-mother to this day, but the match was not perfect.

All of this to say - your sorority experience is what YOU make out of it - not the presents that people buy, but the relationships that you forge. Not everyone is super outgoing, many are insecure themselves, and just don't know how to make that first step.

So my advice, fwiw, is to really make an effort to become involved, and then work to treat others in the manner that you would have preferred. You could change the sorority experience for a number of women just by doing so.

Maybe that's not what you thought you were getting into when you joined the sorority, but wow - what a golden opportunity you have right now.

It is time to stop being a victim and put forth some effort. If you have a house, there will be some television program that most of the girls will gather to watch on a regular basis. Go over to the house on that night and introduce yourself; then relax and enjoy the show. Stay afterward when the program ends and mingle. If your school has a basketball team, try to join/gather a group of sisters and new members for the game. There are many ways for you to start forging a bond.

There were obviously enough women who wanted you as a sister to extend a bid. However, unless it is a really small chapter, you have met only a small number of sisters. You need to take responsibility here and make sure you go to events, dinners, socials and just casual get-togethers to get to know others in the chapter.

Stop waiting for members to come to you. You have to be approachable. If the recruitment is as competitive as you say, waiting a year may not be an option for you. Your decision will be whether you want to be part of a sisterhood or not.

SO TRUE. Really. For my chapter, Gossip Girl and Lost are HUGE, to the point where it would be impossible for a sister to stop by and have people be like, "What is she doing here?". When I was a pledge, Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy were THE things to watch, and any pledge that watched them at the house made so many friends just because they had so many members to talk obsessively about those shows with! Get a feel for what those programs are (and believe me, I think it's Gossip Girl for 95% of the chapters of ANY sorority in America right now) and just show up! I promise it won't be awkward and there will be a bunch of sisters watching.

When I was in chapter, it was all about Friends and Will and Grace. Those were our bonding TV shows. :)

Exactly what I was thinking.

One semester, for personal reasons, I wasn't able to make it to two recruitment events, and one of our new members had only gone to those two events. I went to the first new member ceremony, but I had to leave immediately afterward.

About a week later, I was walking to class and this girl was waving, and I thought she was waving at me, but I wasn't sure. I waved back, but I probably had a look on my face that said "who the hell is this girl?" She looked familiar but I couldn't place her. An hour or so later, I realized she was a new member, and I felt terrible about it. And I come from a very small chapter.

It sounds like you're from a larger chapter. Maybe these girls don't know who you are. Or maybe they were distracted. I know that whenever I walked around campus, I was basically in a daze.. especially if I had a test or presentation to do. Some of my best friends would walk by me and have to yell my name for me to pay attention.

And agreeing with everyone else here... get to know the older sisters, and don't just expect them to come to you. Remember, these girls were friends long before you came along. Not to say that you should all be friends according to new member classes, but randomly inviting new people out doesn't always happen automatically.

You said that the sisters seemed more friendly during recruitment. This seems obvious to me (not that they're not friendly now, but they're not in that, "Oh my god, it's so great to meet you! What's your major? That's awesome!" kind of phase). People say that conversation is hard to come by during recruitment, but a lot of times, I found it more difficult to talk to girls once they became new members. You can't really fall back on those easy questions anymore. Find out what an older sister likes, and try starting a conversation with her from that.

And you like the other new members. Hang out with them! And remember that the next class that comes in will be partially chosen by you. Make friends with them.

And another suggestion: I know of a chapter that has a "welcoming committee" so to speak. It's their responsibility to make the new members feel welcome, to invite them places, and to get them involved and acclimated to the sorority. Maybe next semester you could suggest forming one of these committees within your chapter.

There is plenty of good advice here. When I was in college, we had 2 friends join together. They were both pretty shy and kept to themselves. At meetings and events, they always sat just slightly away from the group. They always attended things, but managed to stay to themselves. Our exec board even tried to meet with them to make sure things were ok and to see what we could do to help them become more comfortable. Nothing helped. They stayed through graduation, but they are not active in alumnae groups. If you asked them about their collegiate days, they will tell you it was miserable and a waste. Don't be those people. Make an effort to get to know other pledge sisters and those around you.

one of the positives that i read in your post is that you HAVE bonded with your pledge class. that is such a gift-your pledgesisters will be with you thruout your college career-the older girls are going to graduate and most likely move away. cherish your pledgesister friendships.

next year, if you feel the that the chapter truly falls a little short in their ability to make the new members feel welcome and wanted, then you be the change.

Just an observation, then--if your school is very gossipy, the other groups may already know your thoughts about 'feeling neglected' or the 'meanest and most rude girl in the school.' I would be cautious about how much you say to others about some of the things you're unhappy about. Word can get back to the home group quickly and instead of producing more positive results, end up causing you to became stigmatized.

EXACTLY my thoughts. A little discretion is in order here.

So, you haven't bonded with everyone after a few weeks together? I find that incredibly surprising.

Based on this comment alone, I do not want to be your friend. Bitchtastic!

You have to keep putting yourself out there. It's just the way it is. I advise 200 girls. I've told them I hope to learn all their names but i may not. I still say hi to them every week at chapter and make an effort to get to know them. Heck, I've got over 30 officers and I'm still trying to remember all of them. You have to be confident and just put yourself out there.

It sounds as if you've been paired with an older mentor sister who is either not the best fit for you or who is a bit of a flake (that's not the exact word that I'm searching for, but I can't think of anything else). Have you considered talking to your New Member Educator about this?

Your question
Her answer, first post

(bold and italicized mine)

Try gaining friendships through other organizations. My chapter, while small, has always had one or two other organizations in which a good portion of the sisters were also involved in. Try finding that org. and join. Or find an intramural sport you'd want to play, and ask sisters to be on the team.

And again, remember... there will probably be a good number of girls graduating in a few months. If you like your pledge class, just hang out with them. I know of some girls in my chapter who would only hang out with their little, or two girls from their new member class, or the sisters they had as roommates. And keep in mind that it won't be too long before you're not the "babies" anymore, and the new member class below you will be looking to you to be their friend.

Just addressing the sister side of this: don't worry about it. I knew especially during the early stages of the new member period there was a good chance the new members wouldn't remember my name. After all, I had to remember about 15 of them, but they had to remember about 50 of us. Don't be afraid of telling them that you need to be re-introduced, they understand. They've been there too.

And on that note.....if the OP is in a pretty big chapter she may have 30-40 pledge sisters at least! Add onto that maybe a 100+ actives! (just a guess) That's a ton of people to learn!! The sisters will understand if you forget someone.

True. New Members are usually meeting SO MANY people within a few weeks, so not remembering a sister's name is not creepy or bitchy at all. Heck, there were new girls in my chapter who called me Jackie or Jessica for like 3 weeks.

I'm not offended by them not saying hi to me every day, because I'm just as much at fault for not remembering their names either, etc. I was only saying it's a little awkward to do the reintroduction thing like 10 times and I don't want to be known as the "awkward flaky girl" or something who can't remember anyone. And I'm only saying that about the committee because I am proving I'm trying to get involved! It's just that I feel like I'm putting more effort out there than I'm receiving back. No fun! lol

Except for divulging your issues with your sorority internally to people in other sororities on campus and calling your pledge sisters "bland" of course.

There might be stuff going on within the sorority (money problems et al) that you don't know about. Or it might be that you just ended up getting paired with 2 girls who were having very bad weeks who had nothing to do with you. Or maybe the girls you were paired with voted against you or don't like you for whatever reason and your NME made a misguided attempt to remedy that. We have no way of knowing.

I agree with whoever said stop being a victim. Everyone is not going to like you. Step forward and find the ones who do. And take more time to get to know someone before you call them "mean" or "bland."

This isn't The Real World (the TV show that is). People aren't hugging and kissing and BFFs within 5 minutes. Real friendships take time.

If you are really having trouble with names perhaps you could ask your NME for a composite so at least you can put some names with faces. I would guess that the most recent initiates wouldn't be on the composite (we always get ours done in the spring) but at least it could help you with sophomores/juniors/seniors.

I always found it helpful to put a face with a name.

Also, you could friend them on facebook. As much as that site sometimes sucks when people put TMI on it, you'd have a face with a name and maybe some of them have interests similar to yours.