Need Advice :)
 

Okay, I am really struggling with an issue, any input would be appreciated.

My youngest son is a junior in hs, 16 years old. Over the summer and earlier this year, he dated a young lady from another highschool, someone he has known for a number of years as a friend, but their relationship got serious last spring. After a number of strange and stressful things took place (that I don't want to go into), he attempted to break it off. Well, to say that she hasn't taken it well would be an understatement. She has exhibited some really disturbing behavior since then...

My husband and I have stayed out of it, only counseling him to be kind, but firm in his wanting to end the relationship. My son has tried to handle it, but, it is getting totally out of control. She calls and texts his cell phone up to 30 times a day or more, and calls our house phone repeatedly. She now has started showing up at our house and walking in the open back door, univited and unannounced. It is very upsetting to my son who really doesn't know how to handle it. He has tried being nice, he has tried being mean, nothing works, and the behavior is becoming more and more obsessive.

Yesterday when I came home from work, she was at the house. I hadn't seen her in quite some time, and when I saw her last night, I was alarmed. It looks like she has lost a LOT of weight (like scary skinny). I know through the grapevine that she has had issues with anorexia in the past, and frankly, I am majorly concerned about her mental and physical health. She was crying and apologetic that I found her at the house. I told her that she needed to leave and that the constant phoning and showing up was not helping matters, that she needed to give my son space, and that maybe in time, they could be friends again. The whole scene was really kind of weird (hard to describe).

Anyway, my husband and I are struggling with calling her parents and letting them know what's been happening. We don't want to get involved, but whatever my son has been trying has clearly not worked. I'm kind of nervous about calling, I don't know them well, having only met a few times. What do y'all think? If this was one of my college aged kids, I'd say, "you got yourself in this mess, now get yourself out." but, these are kids and my son is in over his head...

I would think calling her parents would be appropriate. Obviously, as much as you want this girl out of your (and your son's) life, you're also concerned about this girl's mental and physical health, and I think it's kindof sweet that you don't only care about your kid. Maybe you should ask them to come over for coffee or something.

Of course, I don't have kids nor do I know any high school kids, so I defer to other parents on GC.

Good luck.

You definitely should call this girl's parents. I know you want your son to handle this, but both of these kids are still minors. She is obviously out of control and likely hurting herself. She is also being a nuisance to your son. If talking to her parents doesn't stop her behavior, you should have your son's cell phone number changed and begin locking your doors. Notifying the police is also not a bad idea if her parents can't or won't pull her back to reality.

I agree with calling her parents, changing his cell phone number and alerting the police.

Yup, yup and yup. It might be a difficult conversation but better to be a little uncomfortable then to see things spiral more out of control.

ETA: Lock your back door!

Step 1) what everyone else is saying -- try and work this out with her parents.

If that doesn't work, get some sort of restraining order. What she's doing probably would fall under some harassment or stalking statute, which should be enough to get a court order cutting her off.

The best thing to do would be to call the parents and talk with them. Let them know the actual behavior that their daughter has been exhibiting towards your son. Show them the phone records and text messages. AOII Angel is right, invite them over for coffee/tea/soda and just let them know what's been going on. Have your son around to explain, from his perspective, what's been going on to let the parents know what's happening.
If this doesn't work, you are going to have to resort to an eventual restraining order. Hopefully by talking to them, it works itself out.

I would definitely speak to her parents first. If they aren't cooperative, or the weird behavior continues or escalates, then I'd go to the cops.

Thanks for your posts. My son actually said something about a restraining order and I kind of laughed it off as being extreme - until I had my run in with her yesterday, now I see where he's coming from.

I am going to call her mom (GULP) this evening to see if we can set up a meeting. I'm sure they must be aware that things are not okay with her. I just have never had to have this type of conversation before and really don't relish it. But, it is in her, and my son's, best interest to get this to stop.

I'm glad you've decided to call her parents. I dealt with an extreme breakup in high school (my parents tossed around the idea of a restraining order as well). My mom contacted his mom after he showed up at my house at 10pm while my dad was out of town with several private school girls (I went to public school, he went to private) and repeatedly called my house and cell phone demanding I come outside so they could "kick my ass". My mom called his mother to tell her, and her response? "He's really upset about the break up."

I completely think it's the right idea to tell her parents.. just brace yourself for the possibility of an unusual response!

Your mom was okay with your dad being out of town with all those private school girls?! http://www.smilieshq.com/smilies/confused0066.gif

(Sorry, I just couldn't resist. :p:D)

Srmom, good luck!! I think you're doing the right thing. I just hope the girl's parents are willing to listen and hear.

Thanks again. (plus had to post one to get my post number up to 667) I need all the luck I can get!!

Don't be afraid to speak with the parents. Talk with them the same way you would talk with a co-worker that was bugging you at work. Just be as professional as possible while beinging able to bring your point across about their daughters behavior and how uncomfortable/strange it is for your family.
Just remember that you don't have to be confrontational and inform them that you are concerned about their child and that you just want both families to be and feel safe and secure.
Keep it on a family level so that they don't feel "attacked" or feel as though you are saying that they are "bad parents."

Ditto to what she said....don't be afraid to put your foot down and distancing your son as far as possible from the young lady.

Firstly, I to be blunt, the parents have to know something wrong with their daughter... If they don't, then what gives you the right to tell them their child is acting out? Parents don't want to hear about bad things about their child, period! And you can show them all the evidence in the world, but since you are not a licensed trained provider or law enforcement, then you have ZERO to say to them. Your recourse is with your local law enforcement and a restraining order.

The fact is, what if the girl's parents are in so much denial that they accuse your son of some silliness (i.e. he "raped" her, etc., etc.)? How's that going to look after you just had those fools over at your house with soda/coffee/cookies, etc. to talk about the inappropriate lasciviousness of their child? Think about what the police investigators' perspective? It looks like CYAing... EFF that chance! Protect yourself and your family at ALL times! It ain't about being nice-nice and neighborly, it is about protecting your son, period. And ain't nobody going to do that for him, but you and your husband... Yeah, he's young, but he is dealing with someone who needs help, he too young to handle this lunacy. It takes someone licensed and trained to do that...

I would not even give a head's up... Let the Marshall's do that... (or whoever)... Because if she did this silliness to your son, believe me, he ain't the first!!! Secondly, I question what is going on in this household for the parents not to be apologetic about their child's behavior? THAT behavior suggest to me that something wholly inappropriate is going on in that household... Seriously...

If you want to help this young lady, make her be forced to get help by "the system" and make her parents find the help she needs. That's what you pay taxes for... Seriously...

Look, if you ever been accused of a crime, you just learn these facts the hard way... Get your documents in order with a long paper trail. If you can get the text messages, facebook, myspace, whatever she is saying or doing that is loopy, get that together. Lock up all his accounts on those social networks. And hayle, you can use my message to you here as proof on GC. You don't know what this young lady is capable of doing until she is handled by law enforcement...

If your son is asking for a restraining order, take it seriously! Don't wait for the parent's too handle this one. Your son senses that this girl may be a little dangerous. I wouldn't blow off his instincts.

@Bolded...

First she's texting calling a bajillion times... Clue 1.
Second Very skinny... You don't know if she has Anorexia unless you have been trained to recognize it... But the key is, how was she dress--appropriate for your climate or "scantily clad" with inappropriate make-up and disheveled hair??? Clue 2.
Third, you chose to engage her. People like that always take it out of context--she rapidly turns stuff around to say, if I am quiet enough that he doesn't notice me, then we can be friends, leading to lovers, again... But, you don't know that... Clue 3

You don't have hardcore proof that she showed up at your house unannounced and uninvited... That takes pictures...

So, if you don't have the video security cams with recordings, then it's your word against hers... And she can lie to save her butt... And "they" always favor the damsel in distress...

You want to protect your family, especially your son, get your stuff in order...

I suggest you see the domestic violence counselors... They are suppose to help people with that, even those it is in the "reverse"--a man being harassed by a woman...

The fact that she walked into their house, uninvited, signals a problem to me. And some parents *are* clueless as to what goes on with their own kids. As a mom, she has to stand up for her own kid. My first thing would be to let the parents know that something is not right here without placing blame.

Definitely talk to the parents, because a lot of kids (and people) are excellent at hiding behavior. If that doesn't work, does your son's school have a police officer assigned to it (assuming it is public) you could use as a resource? That officer may have some tips or resources at the girl's school.

Also, my phone has a block feature, you should investigate that as an option, and also document everything. Even if she isn't anorexic, she needs to get help/learn that this is not socially acceptable behavior. Perhaps you and other family members should always be with your son until this blows over. When I had a situation with my former future ex-husband, having someone around was a great relief, even though nothing ever happened again.

How can one parent tell another parent about his/her child's inappropriate behavior without placing blame? IDK? But the general rule of thumb for school admins is that parents do not allow another adult parent to interact with the "offending child"--i.e. deal with your own child... That needs to ONLY be dealt with the "authority in charge"... In this case, the girl allegedly was "trespassing" on private property with intent...

And while, yes, teens can hide their behavior, texting does have a cost factor, and the parents cannot be that far gone to not think, "hmmmm, my child might have a problem, etc.?"

But, I had forgotten, that most high schools have a code of ethics, and she has violated them. So, the girl would be done a favor by the son speaking to the school police. Then, the question will be asked if charges wants to be made and an investigation sought, which immediately involves the school, the school psychologist, and the admin who legally has to report the incident to various agencies...

@Srmom, my point to this is, do not attempt to handle this by yourself (or your family by yourself)... Once you choose to speak to the parents independently, it is just not worth that melee that can ensue with your family...

Your son attempted to end his relationship in good faith, but he just did not choose a girl who can take the break-up. Since they are students at the local HS, they have to treat each other respectfully, she has violated that. And your son has rights, too...

I respectfully disagree, AKA. I think it depends on how it is approached. If a parent came to me and said "I don't know if you know but our children have broken up. I'm concerned about your daughter because she doesn't seem to be handling well. I wasn't sure if she had talked with you about it, but she's calling my son 30 times a day and showing up at our house uninvited and I'm really very concerned about her well being because she doesn't seem to be able to let go." That's a very different thing than going to the parent and saying "Your daughter is a whackjob. She's calling my son 30 times and trespassing in our house. Do something about her crazy ass."

There are ways to speak to parents without making it seem like you are placing the blame on them. Srmom SHOULD speak to this girl's parents. I agree with how AGDee suggests handling the situation.

The school police will not do anything because none of these things happen on campus, it is happening at srmom's house.

I don't think the parents will think anything is wrong based on her text messages. They could still be under the impression that their daughter and srmom's son are still dating, which is why she is texting him so much. I text a lot, and my parents wouldn't think anything was wrong based on the # of texts, especially since most people have that "unlimited" text messaging plan.

But we ain't talking about a girl and her parents operating on all cylindars...

While what you wrote is EXTREMELY civil, what if I was this girl's parent, and I went off on you and cursed you out for accusing my daughter after your son promised the "moon and stars" to my daughter...

See, to me the issue is, the parents must be wacky because the behavior the girl manifested did not just suddenly developed, it was honed in over time for her to irrationally think that way... Basically, an enabling an inappropriate behavior when now this girl's personal interactions and relationships are poor, at best...

Unless someone is trained and licensed to handle both the parents and the girl, then, you are just asking for unnecessary ignorance and pain...

The reality is, while Srmom does know her son the best, we all don't know what he "REALLY" said to this girl for her to fabricate a Fantasyland in her mind, thinking that it's copacetic rolling up in her house like that...

Maybe I stopped dealing with the source, anymore... EFF that... You do some illegal chit to me these days, I report folks... EFF pride, parity and equity are more important to me. I'm too old for that kinna BS... I'd rather my child, go to the HS po-po, press charges, have an investigation, and I don't care what my happens to my "rep" after that... At least the child will have somekind of help, then the boy will have to have better "recruitment skills" when he dates...

Best advice.

No matter how it is said, there are too many variable to NOT know what the outcome will be. First you don't know if that girl's parents are just a sick and twisted or worse... So how it going to look to speak to the parents about anything?

Actually, there is precendent in various school districts, in regards to school violence. These kinds of things can escalate. That is why the police and admins have been trained and have licenses and certificates...

It is the sheer number of them that most people will look at and the timing. When my child is asleep at my house, WTF are there 30 odd texts at 2-3 AM, saying "where R U", "Call me", "I miss U", "I H8 U"--Bizzarro texts?

I don't care how much the other family thinks they are dating, the fact is, you don't text endlessly at 2-3 AM even if you are married... There is a limit to that being loving vs. overwhelming. The other issue, is the boy could have led her on for her to live in make believe. We are only hearing one side of the story, so who knows? I am in no way condoning or rationalizing her behavior, but you just don't mess around with someone like that and think you, your property, and your animals are safe...

It's like y'all missed that movie "Fatal Attraction"...

This girl apparently does not understand the point of restraint and composure. Why? Who knows? But unless you are a trained and licensed professional, then why do you need to ascertain that fact?

If you're trying to speak as a licensed and trained professional, perhaps you should leave out the slang.

Is this your choice of engaging talks with me? Please let me know when you have anything relevant to add to this discussion with me... Thanks.

Ironically, my husband said that what the young man outta do is set homegirl up with one of his "enemies", then he doesn't have to worry about girl anymore...

I told him, that's just wrong... But it might work...

That might be what is happening in Seattle or SoCal or wherever you are. But we are talking about Texas. If Srmom's school district is anything like ours here, there is not a lot the ISD police can do. They have to be called by the principal, etc, and it the incident HAS to happen on school premises (or the area around that is still deemed school premises). Otherwise it's a matter for the city police, and even then it's sketchy.

School administrators and the like aren't more equipped than the average person to handle any similar situation....trust me on that!

I would hate to have the phone company you have. My parents definitely DO NOT get an itemized bill on exactly what my text messages say (trust me, or else i'd probably be in a convent somewhere w/ some of the texts i send)

Are you forgetting these kids are 16? Teenagers do a lot of thinks that adults don't do, like text message or talk on the phone late into the wee hours of the morning. It isn't unheard of and most parents don't care.

But you aren't a licensed or trained professional either, right?

Look, ultimately, Srmom has to deal with her own family's issues...

All I say is good luck to whatever she decides!

You know what gives her the right? He is her son. She is protecting her child. Said female is showing up at their house univited and letting herself in...that gives her the right to intervene. He is not an adult, he is a 16 year old BOY. Contacting the parents at this point is a courtesy before going to the police.

Some parents are completely oblivious to their childrens problems. I see this daily in my job. Maybe they work a lot, maybe they just don't care, but srmom is doing the courteous thing before contacting the authorities. There is nothing wrong with that.

As a parent, I've got to say, with as much respect as I can, that you really don't seem to know what you're talking about here (or in your posts that follow). Srmom is handling it the way it ought to be handled.

You seem to be trying to come across as a professional in this field. If you're telling us that you're a professional, then speak (write) professional, otherwise it's very hard to take you seriously when you are using the words "po po".

I've been in a situation similar to this though not as extreme. Going to her parents is way better, this way if they have the open heart to listen to what you're saying, they can get her help. Going to the police is just going to cause a scene and rumors and ultimately embarrass this girl more than doing good. Embarrassing her could have worse repercussions (sp?) on her own health than a hearty talking to from her parents. If nothing works with that, then go about getting a restraining order.

Then she can call the police for trespassing...

That is your opinion and you are entitled to it, as I am entitled to mine. And with all due respect, there are no conversations significant between you and me from this point forward, as this will be my last post to choose to engage you in anyway.

Agreed...

Monet

I stand with the rest on this...take it in steps...go to the parents first...document what happens...if that doesn't work...then get the law involved...obviously the child needs help and u never know...the parents may be ignoring the signs...

plus another idea...a lil out there...if you want to ensure that the parents are safe, an idea is probably go to the girl's school and have conference with the principal and parents of the girl.

I suspect you are choosing engagement. I say what I am as I am. So stop the assumptions. It benefits me NOT to misrepresent myself.

Ask me a direct question. Here's a freebie: Why am so adamant about this issue?

Let me put it bluntly, from the sidewalk and street, to my front door is my private domain I share with whom I choose...

NO ONE has the right to be present in that domain that I do not know about or freely chose to invite into my domicile.

After a LOONNNGGG day of work, I am attempting to de-stress and collect myself to do my next duties for the evening, i.e. fixing dinner, checking on my childrens' day/homework, exercise at the gym, crafts, phone calls to my friends, visiting GC, making sure my husband is happy...

With that said, I DO NOT EXPECT TO SEE A DISHEVELED, CRYING, UPSET, EXTREMELY EMACIATED TEEN GIRL CRYING TO ME ABOUT MY SON!!!

But it has happened. Now, I can CHOOSE to speak to the parents, which you all think is the "RIGHT" or "NOBLE" thing to do... I disagree with that tactic. Forget neighborly, forget not adding too much too it. I want this silliness to stop, if not immediately, and all I can think about is allieviating the pain on my child.


AND WHEN THAT GIRL SHOWED UP ON MY DOORSTEP, THAT SHIT GOT REAL IN MY LIFE!! SO NOW I AM INVOLVED AND SHE IS INVADING MY SPACE--THAT MEANS, I CALL THE COPS!!!

That is the way I see it. I can accept other see it differently, that's fine. But the personal attacks toward me is and questioning my integrity is unfair, discriminatory and hateful!

This is my last post in this thread, so you do not have to worry anymore about my opinions.

Once the girl enters my house, it becomes my issue. As a parent, THAT is what bothers me the most: why are you coming INTO MY house, little girl?! (That part creeped me out!) If this had just been phone calls/texts or only occurred at school, that's something different, and I would involve the school and let them handle it. If the girl's parents go off on me, well then, that's different. But the first step would be to talk to the parents and that can be done civilly. It's all about HOW things are said.

Now, if homegirl's mom wants to take it there, I would end the conversation, again, civilly, and do what I needed to do to keep my child safe. Yes, the kids are just 16, but walking in uninvited to someone's house is not cool.

srmom, please keep us posted.

I agree with AKAMonet. It's pretty safe to believe that the parents of this girl may be a part of the problem. How is she randomly showing up at srmom's house after 10pm and no one seems to care? Why haven't her parents been checking up on her? At this point she has resulted to stalking, breaking & entering, and harassment and looks visably unhealthy. These actions are illegal. Its not like she's pulling some minor tricks. At this point in order to be safe and within her legal parameters to protect her son she needs to contact some authorities. The school officails definitely need to be alerted about the situation. Contacting the parents is good and a small start, but involving authorities may provide a netural way to open the lines of communication with the parents and get this girl some help.

Part of the reason that I did not suggest getting the school involved is because she said from the start that they go to different high schools. That may make the school assistance more difficult. I would try to talk to the parents first, in the manner I suggested earlier. IF I got a poor response, then I would definitely go to the authorities.

This incident doesn't mean this girl is completed whacked for life. I remember having some pretty extreme reactions to being rejected by early boyfriends. Teens are learning how to negotiate this stuff and need guidance through it. I remember being completely devastated and when I look back at the young men who put me through that, I think "I liked them.. why???" Teens are dramatic, emotional, etc. I would hate to get police involved if it can be resolved without it.