Dropping Out of My Sorority
 

I can't decide if I want to drop out of my sorority or not. I've been thinking a lot and it seems that I should, but I don't want to regret my decision. Everyone is really nice but I don't have a lot of real friends or "sisters" in the group. Just people I'll say hi to when I see them somewhere. I'm paying a lot of money just for people I say hi to. I haven't been to any mixers or semi-formal yet because I always have already made plans on those nights so I haven't really done a lot with the sorority but everyone already has their group of friends and I'm not in a group. I don't know what I should do.

It sounds like you've been intiated, but haven't really 'joined' your sorority in the sense of really being involved. The benefits of membership aren't given out for free; they have to be earned through participation. It's been my experience that official events like mixers or semi-formals are planned well enough in advance that unless your personal social life is that busy that your own calendar books up months ahead of time, there really shouldn't be any reason why you can't make time for your sorority. Besides, since you've described all your sisters as really nice, I can't imagine it would take more than the tinest bit of effort to develop lasting friendships with them. Good luck to you.

Stop making plans to do other things when mixers, semi-formals or other events are scheduled. Perhaps you're not "part of a group" because you're not around when everyone else is doing the things that form the deeper friendships.

If you aren't willing to put yourself out there, then HELLO? Do you really expect your sisters to come to you? The sorority does not revolve around you or your schedule. It takes effort.

Sororities are not just about mixers. Sororities are for life.

What have you participated in so far? Philanthropy? Scholarship? Making your chapter a stronger group?

Example...when I relocated, I knew no one in my sorority locally. I showed up one night at an Alumnae meeting without knowing a soul. By the end of the night, I talked to everyone at the meeting (over 20 women). I swapped phone numbers with several of them and met some for coffee, etc.

You need to reach out to them as much as you are expecting them to reach out to you. Get off your butt and make it happen.

This is like that passive-aggressive people do when they're dating to 'test' the relationship, i.e., don't call them or communicate to see if they'll initiate communication, even though the accepted norm in the relationship is that you are the one who initiates things.

Greek life is not unlike most things -- you get out of it what you put into it. Maybe it's not for you.... the internet is a bad place to look for advice though.

The situation really isn't that complicated. If you think you'd be happier if you quit, then you're probably right.

Try asking some sisters to hang out. Ask them if they have time to grab lunch or do something on campus. Try going over to the house and just hang out with them. You get what you give to your sorority. The more time and effort you put into it, the more time and effort you will get from other people. Try going to as many events as you can. They should tell you with advance when all the mixers/philanthropy events are so you will minimize scheduling conflicts. Sororities aren't 'paying for your sisters' as you see, you have to put some effort in as you would any other relationship with a friend.

have you ever heard the phrase "you get out of something what you put into it"? that is exactly what is happening in your situation. how on earth can you expect to have friends if you are not participating in the sorority's activities? that's like wondering why you failed a class, when you did not attend any of the lectures.

If ever there was a truer statement about Greek Life...
You get out of it what you put into it.

I’m going to guess that you were just recently initiated. If this is the case, I would also guess that you don’t yet have any positions in the sorority. This is the perfect opportunity to offer your help. Ask a sister if you can help her out with her position. Good positions to help with would probably be recruitment, fundraising, philanthropy and social, which usually require a large amount of work. These positions might already have committees, but if you ask to be the sister’s “assistant” (if they don’t already have one), then they’ll probably love you for it. Just tell a sister that you might be interested in eventually running for the position, and you’d love to get a feel for it. You could do something as small as making phone calls to specific fundraisers to find out potential profits... or run to the store to pick up some last minute decorations for recruitment. Whatever the case, this way, you’ll have a consistent line of communication open between you and that sister.

Another option... simply ask girls if you can tag along when they go out. I would do this all the time when I first joined. While one of my sisters would always complain that she was never invited anywhere, I would ask, “Hey, can I come, too?” I would always get a response of “Of course!” with tons of smiles, followed by, “Do you need me to pick you up?” If your sisters are nice, don’t be afraid to ask them if you can go where they’re going.

Yet another option... be so bold as to plan something yourself. A movie, a dinner, a night in watching your favorite tv show... anything!

And if you’re not attending mixers and formals, then you’re missing out on the fun parts of Greek life. How can you expect to make friends with people if you never socialize with them? It’s like sitting next to a girl in class. If you see her every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and you talk briefly before class starts about what you did over the weekend, and about the outcome of the Sunday ball game, and about the homework that’s due... but you never go to a party with her, and you never grab some dinner with her, and you never study with her, and you never see a movie with her... then you’re never going to be best friends. The same thing goes for making friends with your sisters. If you’re only seeing them in business meetings and while working philanthropic events, and you never hang out and watch Grey’s Anatomy, or talk over coffee in between classes, then you’ll never form lasting friendships.

If you were just initiated this past semester, I would highly recommend that you stick with it. Because everyone here will tell you the same things... a) a few weeks as a sister isn’t any amount of time to immediately find your best friend for life, b) remember that you have a say in who the next new members will be, and you might find your best friends in them, and c) you can't become friends with people if you don't make an effort.

Along the lines of a two way street...

Have you considered the situation from your sisters' perspective?

"GreenEyedGirl" seems nice, and we say 'hi' to her when we pass on campus. However, it doesn't seem that she likes us very much, as she always chooses to hang out with others when we have scheduled events."

In other words, you feel rejected and left out by them. I would suspect that they feel the same way about you.

As everyone else has said- you have to meet them half-way. How do you expect them to get to know you if you are never around?

Why not make chapter events a priority this semester and see what happens. That means that you may have to do the asking, inviting, organizing, whatever. It also means that you need to attend every event that does not conflict with class. I suspect your tune will change by May.

In addition, consider there will be a whole new crop of members this fall.

Wow. You guys are some of the rudest people I've ever encountered. It's not like I'm too busy for them. One, we don't have a house so I can't go there to hang out with people. Two, I have to go to the doctor once a month early on a Saturday and it just so happens that the mixers are always that Friday night, when I have to go home to go to the doctor early the next morning. And they are not planned months in advance, we get the dates maybe 2 weeks in advance. If everyone in greek life is as rude as you people, then it's better I leave.

No one is being rude. They're telling you that if you want friends in your sorority, you have to reach out and show friendship first. I don't think thats rude, I think thats good advice. You may not have a house, and its understandable that you can't make mixers (as long as they know why), but how hard is it to pick up the phone and ask one of your sisters to have lunch or coffee with you? And how hard is it to ask someone to go to a party with you on one of the nights where you don't have an early doctors appointment? I'm sorry, but they're right, you need to reach out. Telling you so was for your own benefit, not to be rude.

You're asking a bunch of strangers for help and we were presented with only a few details. Did you expect copious amounts of sunshine blown up the ass? Sorry honey, you won't find that here.

When I was in chapter, we had to get the semester's events squared away well in advance. For example, the Fall events were set in stone by finals week the previous Spring.

Mixers aren't the only means of getting to know your sisters so don't even try to use that as an excuse. Same thing about not having a house. Ever heard of asking them to have lunch somewhere on campus? My collegiate chapter does not have a house, but the sisterhood was still there.

If all you're going to do is complain about how you're not making any friends because you're stuck in self-pity, then go ahead...QUIT.

And regarding this:

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

How were we supposed to know that you have a medical condition when all you say is "I always have plans when we have socials" ? You can't fault us for thinking that you sound like someone who would always rather go out with other friends when that's all the information you give us. The words "plans" has a connotation of social plans for most people.

About socials planned...I guess that's a campus culture thing. We knew our whole social calendar at the beginning of each semester (minus the grab-a-dates, but that's the point), and I know this is common at many schools. Besides, with paperwork that needs to be sent to your advisors, I don't see how a social could be planned in only 2 weeks (unless it's an illegal one). Now do you see why many GCers jumped to these conclusions?

Anyway, Greek Life is not just about socials. What events do you go to? Programming, sisterhood, philanthropy, meetings, etc? I'm sure your chapter doesn't cram everything it does into the wrong Friday night of every month. When I was a collegian, there was something to do almost every day in my chapter. Maybe it's different for yours.

What efforts do you make to hang out with your sisters? It's the little things that build frienships. Do you study with sisters of the same major/sisters you have classes with? Do you get lunch/dinner/coffee/ice cream/bagels with sisters? Another suggestion, though I don't know how far you have to drive to get home, but if if it's close enough to drive straight from school to the doctor on Saturday mornings instead of going home on Friday night, how about having a night in watching movies with a few sisters who don't feel like going out? That way you're not up too late but you can still have fun and get to know your sisters. There have to be some sisters who aren't going out on any given night. If you haven't made any effort to bond, you have to expect to feel alienated.

Unlike with your sorority sisters, you did initiate contact with us. Keep your conundrum to yourself if you can't handle straight forward responses that are based on what you type.

Amen.

To the OP... you asked us for advice, and everyone answered the question that you asked. You didn't say, "I have doctor's appointments, so I can't make it to a bunch of stuff... what should I do in order to socialize with my sisters?" Instead, you said, "I don't attend mixers and formal functions, and I'm thinking about dropping."

There's a BIG difference between those two statements.

You also have to understand that there have been numerous threads posted here recently which read almost identically to your original post. We're all repeating the same advice again (which is fine), but as of late, there are a large number of new members/recently initiated sisters who are just shrugging their shoulders, saying, "No one likes me. I guess I'll quit," before they even make an effort to get to know their sisters. You sounded exactly like them. So please don't get mad at us when you left out important details behind your story.

Also, my chapter doesn't have a house, either, and I never had a problem making friends. As I said, simply ask your sisters if you can tag along when they go somewhere. Or ask a sister to go to lunch with you. Or even just send them nice messages on Facebook every so often... Whatever you can do to make yourself seen and known will help!

A great, and very easy suggestion. Chances are high that most sisters will be going to chapter meeting, so why not hang out before (ie dinner) or after (ie catch whatever TV show)?

Whatever the reason for wanting to leave, the thought process and steps to take are about the same. There are probably threads on this topic that folks can be directed to.

Her 2nd post is probably an example of why she's not connecting with her sisters. It's probably best that she leaves. They, and Greek life in general, probably don't cater to her fragilities as much as she wants them to.

I typed "probably" 4 times. I win.

To the OP, have you been initiated yet? Or are you still in your new member period? (Assuming your sorority is an NPC one) If you're a new member thinking about de-pledging,it might be difficult (or impossible, depending on the type of campus you're at) to go through rush and get a bid to another sorority. If you've already been initiated, you can't join another NPC sorority.

Stop being defensive. No one is going to tell you that you are completely blameless in the situation. You didn't tell us that you had a medical issue. Do your sisters know why you haven't gone to socials? Get your big sis to help you fit into the chapter more. You can be friends with girls in and out of your pledge class, so spending time with your big sis may help you get to know others better. Unfortunately, everything that needs to be done to improve your relationship with your chapter will take work on your part. If you make an effort, I have a feeling that some of your sisters will meet you halfway. Seriously, no one here is being rude...we've all just seen this happen a MILLION TIMES!

Why not invite a sister or two to hang out with you before the social, or even go with you to the doctor. I can't count the number of times I've had sisters take me or have me take them to the doctor, or even some fratties who needed a big sister/mom because they were big babies about illness. I had to drive an hour and a half to see a specialist or go to another town/state and those sisters are some of the ones I am closest to. I knew I could count on them and it made seeing a cancer doctor a hell of a lot easier knowing my sister and a friend was with me. You might be surprised how many sisters would support you if you shared part of your life with them.

I don't think anybody is being rude. I will try to offer a practical example:

One of my pledge sisters was feeling this way about our sorority our freshman year. She felt like she had no friends at all, and like nobody wanted to know her. The truth was that we just never saw her at anything. We all thought she was a very nice girl, but we didn't know anything about her and she never made effort to come to our events...a bunch of us freshman girls would send out a message about all meeting up for dinner, pre-gaming before a party, dinner before an invite, etc. and she would never come to anything.

Her parents pretty much forced her to live in the house, and although the first few weeks she'd decline our offers to go out (or even just watch TV in the TV room!), eventually she started realizing that coming to events (and that doesn't mean social, but that means little things like dinner at the house, a sister's birthday party, frozen yogurt runs, etc) she found she really clicked with all of us. She is now one of the most involved members of our sorority, and she regrets openly that she wasn't more involved earlier.

Chances are everybody thinks you are very nice, but they are probably indifferent because you don't make an effort to come to things. Although girls in general can be catty, in sororities people always want to like their sisters...just show up to some things and make an effort. Especially if you are a freshman they will be very open to getting to know you better.

If you don't attend anything, things will only get worse.

I sort of felt this way until really this past semester because I felt like I wasn't included as much as the rest of my pledge class. Now that I've started hanging out at the house more I see more of the girls and realized that they are all so sweet and I love all of them so much :) I can be very outgoing once I get to know somebody but at first I'm usually pretty shy (in most situations at least). It can be intimidating to try and get to know all the women in your chapter at once so try inviting just a couple to go grab lunch or something. I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised. As has been mentioned before but deserves repeating, you get out what you put in :) I learned that the hard way lol. But now that I have a position and am around more I truly value every single one of my sisters and wouldn't trade Delta Gamma for anything.

You don't need a house to hang out with people. Chapters who don't have houses usually do have a place where everyone congregates - the student center, the cafeteria, a certain sister's dorm or off campus apartment. Do you know where any of these places are as far as your sorority is concerned? Do you ever go there?

As far as the doctor is concerned - that's ONCE A MONTH. What about the other 3 Fridays and Saturdays of the month? What do your sisters do then? Do you know? Have you asked?

You get out of Greek life what you put into it. You are putting in nothing, therefore you are getting nothing.

Exactly. And what about after your chapter meetings, don't you all go out to eat or anything?

My chapter didn't have a house. My school was a commuter campus, so after classes everyone went home...I went to my dorm room (and I was in a residential hall clear across campus where NONE of my sorority sisters lived). I didn't have a car to go and hang out with my sisters whenever I wanted, so I made the effort to hang out whenever I could. After monday chapter meetings, we'd all go eat pizza. If I had a break during class, i'd go to the student union and hang out with whatever sisters were there. I'd invite my sisters to try some of my roommate's food (she was from China), we'd just sit outside and chat.

Mixers, socials, semi-formals aren't the only way to "hang out" with your sisters.

And no one's being rude. We're just being truthful, and maybe you don't want to hear the truth.

Quite frankly, this isn't rude at all. If she wants rude she should stick around for a while. This was actually quite nice until she came back and tried to cop an attitude.

So what your doctor's appointment is early on Saturday, I hardly slept when I was on the yard. Ever heard of a sacrifice? Diddy said sleep is for the dead. Just try to incorporate your sisters into your daily schedule and things should work out better for all of you... If you still feel you dont have a bond, then maybe you should Quit, if that's what you feel is right. But communication is the key to all relationships. Have you told them how you feel?

Rude?
 

I fail to see how anyone was being rude to you. Instead, I saw people giving you good solid advice.

Remember, you will get out of your sorority what you put into it.

Obviously they were rude because they didn't post: "Oh yeah! Your sorority sucks! It's totally their fault and you should punish them by dropping out!"

How dare they not point out the suckiness of her sorority! Damn, I guess we all need sensitivity training now.... :rolleyes:

Exactly.

When I was in middle school and girls were mean and catty I got picked on occasionally, but I developed a complex and thought EVERYONE hated me and made fun of me when in reality it was about three girls, and I was certainly not special enough to be their only victim. There were many "me's". My mom finally sat me down and told me to get over myself. Of course I was offended, wanting her to be on my side and bash those mean girls with me. But she explained that 99% of the people in my grade 99% of the time (with the exception of people I was close enough to to see every day and talk to every day) weren't thinking bad things about me because they weren't thinking about me at all. Most people are self centered to some degree by nature, and this is especially true of teenagers and young adults. Brains don't stop developing until 25. And that changed my viewpoint completely, because when I stopped fuming I realized it was true.

The fact is you probably don't feel like you fit in because as sceniczip pointed out, though your sisters probably think you're nice, they probably don't think much else one way or another. You HAVE to make yourself known to be remembered and eventually to be included. They probably aren't thinking about you when they don't see you because they don't know you and whether or not you think it's fair, it's up to YOU to change the situation. All the suggestions that posters have given are good. Basically, find any opportunity to hang out. Personally I'm not close to many of my sisters at the moment, but it's because I haven't made much effort to hang out due to school. So when I have a chance I call a sister that I don't hang out with often or don't know all that well to go out with. And then one day when she wants something to do and is trying to think of someone to do it with, she'll call me. That's how it works. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it.

Everyone here has given you great advice. If you are expecting to be coddled and have sunshine blown up your ass, honey you are in the wrong damn place

OMFG great advice. To punish myself because I'm a victim I'm going to stay your sister, which really just punishes you!

I bet if you just come out and say, "I'm having trouble making it to mixers because of my appointments, but I'd like to do more with you guys," then organize something, which can be casual, like regular get-togethers for coffee or pizza or whatever with whoever can make it, people will be impressed that you took the initiative to get involved despite your difficulties.

To GEG--everyone has given you some very valuable advice and it sounds like you should use it. To think that the people here are being rude is making a huge assumption about folks. You didn't put in what was going on with you in your introduction and because of that you got mad when folks told you what you would need to do in order to help in rectifying the situation. I think that you need to look at the sound advice, eat a little crow, grow up, and jump in.
You have to be able to jump in the situation in order to improve the situation. Never assume that folks don't like you or don't know you if you haven't stopped, looked at what you are doing, and been more willing to do something for yourself. If you are this dissatisfied with your situation, stop and look at what have your actions been and what are your current actions now. See what it is that you can do to change the actions and others reactions to you.
At my school, we didn't have a house, and primarily everyone lived in dorms or in campus housing with the exception of those who lived off campus. However, we all learned how to come together and do what we needed to do for, with, and through each other. In a sorority, no you probably will not get along with every sister that you have. However, that is life, everyone that you meet, you probably won't get along, like, give a squirrel's nuts about, but if you have to work with them or be a part of a project with them, you do what you gotta do in order to get the work done. Such is the same with sorority life. If you feel that you cannot do that because of your medical issues, then that's one thing. However, if you feel that you can't do it because you DON'T WANT TOO, that's something else entirely! Again, look at what it is that you are WILLING to do for and within your sorority to determine if you are willing to not have to have the door hit you where the Good Lord split ya. You gotta look at what it is that you wanted from your sorority to begin with to determine if you need to remain there.