How to deal with the chronically late boyfriend?
 

My boyfriend is ALWAYS late for our plans. I'm not talking 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or even 15 minutes. I'm talking most times it's 1-2 hours. How do I deal with this? I've had people tell me to just leave the house and go somewhere when I've waited 20 minutes, I've had people tell me to just say I don't want to go anymore, and I've had people tell me to just start running on Joey time, meaning don't even start getting ready until it's time for us to leave. Help! I love this man to distraction but this is REALLY irritating me.

My ex husband is like this. You have to tell him a different time from the start. He's only a half hour late always, so if we or the kids have to be somewhere at 3, I tell him 2:30. The kids know the trick too.

Or, you could decide that this is a deal breaker for you. In some ways, I think it's a real sign of selfishness that you care so little about inconveniencing others by being drastically late all the time.

I've been in that situation before with both friends and a boyfriend and it drove me nuts, especially because I'm a very punctual person.

What we ended up doing with my friend was lying about the time we wanted her to be ready by. If we wanted to go out at 10, we told her 9. It worked out pretty well and if she's STILL late, then your anger can be justified ("you're over an hour late!!") even if it isn't the case.

With a boyfriend, it was more of a lack of courtesy and respect he had towards me. I'm not saying this is the case with your bf- mine was a complete dick. He managed to be on time for class, his friends, etc, and late for EVERYTHING with me. He left me sitting in an airport for over an hour one time (I found out later he was watching Good Will Hunting and didn't feel like interrupting it). If you don't think it's a lack of common courtesy, I'd try to time-lying approach.

Get him a watch for Christmas.

Why don't you just talk to him about it? Tell him that it really inconveniences you when he's late and makes you not want to go anywhere after having to wait for so long. If he loves you, he'll understand that and realize that he has to respect your time (just like you respect his).

After you talk to him about it, if he is still late for something, I see no problem with calling him and telling him that you have been waiting for x number of hours and that you're just going to forego the plans call it a night. I know I would just go to bed if I had been waiting on someone for 2 hours.

This would be a deal-breaker for me. Seriously.

Is he late for class/work? Is he late for the dates he plans? Or is he late only when it's something he doesn't really want to do?

Regardless of the answer to any of the questions above, I personally would have to bail. Sorry you're having to deal with that. But, as my mom always told me, when it comes to boyfriends, you get to decide what you're willing to deal with. If chronic tardiness is something you're ok with, then stick by him (and, I guess, try to find a way to change him (which is almost always a bad idea)). If it isn't, then find someone who will respect you, your time, and your time together as a couple.

I'm that guy. Although its never 2 hours late. Just 1 hour late the most. Luckily for me though, my girlfriend is understanding.

Just tell him to be somewhere one hour before you actually want him there. If you want him to be somewhere at 9, tell him to be there at 8. It works.

Just an hour? :rolleyes:

I get pissed off just thinking about my husband making me wait an hour for something we had planned. I mean, that's why you make plans. If you can't be there until 8pm, then don't agree to be there at 7pm. It just seems so rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful. Why would you consistently do that to someone you care about?

(I'm not really directing any of that last paragraph to you, PANTHERTEKE, it's more of a general rant. But, if you can help me understand why the people who do this think it's ok, then that'd be great.)

I have no idea, but maybe it's because my girlfriend puts up with it. I bet if she gave me a really hard time then I would try a lot harder to show up to places on time.

Maybe MTSUGirl and co. aren't giving their boyfriends/husbands enough of a hard time. Bitch your ass off, guys hate bitching and they'll do what it takes to avoid hearing your mouth. :)

My boyfriend always makes me wait because he waits to get ready until the laaaaaaaaaast minute. We're planning on leaving in 20 minutes and he hasn't even taken a shower yet.

Drives me nuts. But if we tell someone a time, we're there by then. If we're going somewhere, we're only ever about 15 minutes later than planned. Probably because I'm always saying "are you ready yet? Are you ready yet? Are you ready now? How about now? COME. ON." It's pretty effective.

Watch he'll break up with me because I nag him or something. I figure if this is the only thing I nag about he can live with it.

Leave without him! What's all this catering? Lateness is so disrespectful and no one deserves habitual lateness.

What's he doing for 2 hours when he should be getting ready?

And is this for things you should be punctual to, or are we just talking general social functions?

I'm with Dee. I dated a guy like this and I always told him to be somewhere at 2 when he needed to be there by 3. He never caught on until his sister did it to him once and he actually showed up at the time she told him to arrive. Sister and I both got such a laugh out of it.

Chronically showing up 1-2 hours late is disrespectful and rude. What would happen to you if you were chronically 1-2 hours late to work? You'd get a talking-to. If it continued, you'd get formally disciplined and eventually fired. So - give him a talking-to. Be prepared to "discipline" him (by not waiting around for him to show up) and to "fire" him (dump him) if he doesn't shape up.

Gwirlfriend...

If he thinks of you in the last minute, he will treat you like the last minute...

What are you willing to tolerate from this man? Is his pee-pee worth it?

With my ex, it was part selfishness and part of his refusal to be "on a schedule" on weekends. He hates having to be a certain place at a certain time on weekends and hates planning ahead when it comes to leisure time. To him, leisure time means you do what you feel like doing when you feel like doing it. It's his rebellion against having to always be on time and be in meetings at certain times all week long at work, he claims. It IS very selfish though because there is no regard for the other person's time. But, that's my ex. He eats what he feels like eating, even if it's not what I had prepared for dinner (he would actually go get take out when I'd cooked a perfectly good meal that he usually likes just because "I feel like Mexican tonight instead of chicken". ARG! It made me nuts. He flies by the seat of his pants whenever it's not absolutely necessary (like for work).

I tend to run late (mostly due to my job) and I have both a great friend & a great guy who also run late. Here's what I suggest:

1) Decide if he's worth it. That's something nobody but you can decide. Does he run late to work? School? Church? Other non-reschedulable events?

2) Get him a watch for Christmas, and/or an alarm clock. Some watches come with alarms - you could set a time for "call MTSUGurl".

3) Talk about it to him. Tell him your frustrations, and let him know that others are talking about it. Let him know that this could be a deal breaker. DO NOT lecture him; if he's over 15, he's heard it all before, and all he'll hear is "You always run late blah blah blah blah".

4) Set reasonable limits.

5) KEEP THEM!

6) Re-evaluate after a couple weeks.

Good luck!

LOL! It always seems to be.

He's late for EVERYTHING. Church, us going to dinner at his mama's house, you name it. Except for work and the Bible study he led for so long. Everything else he's late for.
He's completely considerate in any other way that you can think of, so it's not a dealbreaker but it is REALLY annoying.
I can put up with it most of the time. I've talked to him about it and he does well for a couple of weeks, then it starts getting bad again. I just don't want to be a nag. But if that's what it takes, so be it I guess.

I would talk to him about it and tell him that it bothers you. Does he even know that it bothers you?

Yeah, that's what I'm wondering.

I had a friend who was like this, drove me insane because I'm a very prompt person. NEVER on time.

It's kind of funny- it resolved itself when we graduated from school and she got out in the real world. A lot of times now she beats me places!

Being chronically late is being chronically rude to those who are stuck waiting for you. The occasional late is fine- stuff happens. But if it's constant, it's just rude. There's no excuse for it, it's preventable, it's something done by choice.
It says to whomever you're meeting that they're not important enough and that their time is worth less than yours.

Again, no excuse for it, it's just plain rude and inconsiderate. This would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. It also says something about his level of responsibility if he can't get his shit together to be on time for you.

Good luck pulling that in the real world! "But boss, I can't help being late every day!".

Buy him a watch, an alarm clock, then kick his behind to the curb!

I'll tell you what works - if you have plans to meet up, and he's late, leave. Tell him you will wait 15 minutes after your agreed upon time and if you do not get a phone call with a REASONABLE excuse (flat tire, emergency situation out of his control sort of thing) then you are leaving. If he is coming to your place, don't let him in if he's late. Pretty soon he will be on time because he will want to see you.

what does he do that's 1-2 hours late?! I could understand being a little late or even way late if you get wrapped up in something else and don't notice the time or w/e but that's something serious that you need to talk about with him. Tell him how much it bothers you and why. Agree to only wait for so long and then leave, he might get the message then.

On the telling him an earlier time thing... we did that in my chapter because girls were constantly late so they started telling us an earlier time and threatening that they would take attendance then and deadbolt the door etc... well eventually the girls who were late figured it out (after like 1 time) and now are still late.

Lateness is my pet peeve so I probably have a bit stronger opinion about it. But you should definitely sit down and talk to him about it because your friends might start to get upset with you too if you're constantly late, like if you guys want to go see a movie or something.

He does know it bothers me - I've definitely talked to him about it. And when I talk to him about it he improves... for about a week. Generally we drive separately because of this, because I refuse to be late because of him if our plans include other people. The other day when he was nearly two hours late, I called him and asked if he had forgotten our plans. Not only had he forgotten our plans, but he had forgotten that I was off work and was actually waiting for me to call him on my lunch break. It's like there's a complete disconnect somewhere in his brain. When I told him, It's nearly 1:30 and you were supposed to be here at noon he freaked out and immediately left for my place.

On the flip side of things - this is a guy that plans surprise evenings in great detail, spends lots of time listening to me, does things like bring me ice cream when I have a bad day, wants to talk more than any man I've ever met in my life, and is just basically a sweet, intelligent, hilarious, thoughtful in ever other way man. That, and not his "pee pee" as someone so eloquently put it, is what makes him worth it. Like I said, it's not a deal breaker (partially because it's not just me he's late for,) but it is annoying.
I like the leave if he's not there solution. We'll see how that goes...

Since you said he completely forgot, perhaps he needs a reminder of some sort. Does he have a phone that has a planner function or an iPod with a planner/calendar function? Even my email program has a planner feature with pop up reminders. Once I started utilizing all these things (iPod and email) with my paper planner I've never forgotten or spaced anything. I even put minute crap in there like putting the trash out on the curb because I've actually forgotten.

The one issue would be remembering to sync the electronic items or enter the info.

Unless his schedule is so packed that he needs to set alarms in order to remember things you've planned, then that's too much work for the OP. And if his schedule is that full, then maybe now isn't the best time for him to have a girlfriend anyway.

Seriously OP, you're his girlfriend not his secretary. You're not responsible for him - he is. smh

Oh, and if you like the idea of leaving if he isn't where he has agreed to be at the time he agreed to be there, then why put up with it at all? If you're going to leave without him anyway (and it sounds like you would after a week or so), then why bother dealing with all this crap? I just don't get it.

My boyfriend used to do this. I had a couple serious talks with him, telling him that it came across as very selfish and unthoughtful, and that it was embarrassing for me (he would be late for family gatherings). I told him that he needed to seriously work on it or we would be done. That was enough to wake him up, and he's gotten much better. You should talk to him about it.

I didn't mean that she should set the alarms or make the appointments, he'd still be responsible for that. Some people have time management problems related to issues such as ADD or something else (not saying that this is the case here) and such organized structure and reminders help them function.

Too much cognitive psychology on the brain...

Like Hustler Magazine says: "Relax, It's Just Sex..." ;)

I'm talking about leaving without him a couple of times to get a point across.
I'm looking for a way to deal with it because I love the guy and am honestly looking for a way to either cope with this or get it across in a non-nagging way that this is important.

An update - yesterday we talked about this again, and I told him that I felt most loved and resepected when he makes an effort to do things that are important to me that aren't second nature to him (writing dates on a calendar so that he remembers birthdays and anniversaries, remembering to call me when he gets home if he leaves really late and is really tired, etc.) In return I don't freak out if we don't make plans 2 weeks in advance, etc.
He told me that he will work on it and make sure to call if he's going to be late more than 5 minutes.