How important is family background to you?
 

Last night, I got into a discussion about this subject with a friend of mine, so I thought it would be a good topic to start a thread on.

When we date people, we date to see if that person is compatible with us or not. Some of us can tell within the 1st five minutes if this is going to be someone I can hang out with, rather it's for friendship, sex, or a serious relationship. But when you date someone, rather it's casual dating or for something more serious, how important is that person's family background to you? Does it really matter?

For me, I don't really think it matters. I've never been seriously involved with a guy(s) who actually has/had a bad family, not because it was my choice, but because those guys were guys I met and took interest in. The family isn't what attracted me to those guys. The guys I've "dated" may have had some family issues, but I never really looked into it because they were only dates, and not guys I wanted to get serious with, so I didn't care. For the guys I wanted something serious with, I still didn't care, because it was the guy I wanted not the family. I mean, if he comes from a good family, that's great, but if he doesn't, then that's fine too. It's not a deal breaker for me.

What is it? Is it a total deal breaker for you? And what would you define as a bad family background? What might be bad for you, may not be for someone else.

Oh Lord, you're gonna have PB in here raising hell aren't you? :p


"Family background" is so broad to me. Are we talking family values, social class, all of the above? Help me understand what you mean and I'll give it a spin.

It's not background per se but values they were brought up with.

For example - I could never see myself with a guy who's been brought up to live on credit, spend lavishly etc. That is completely counter to how I was raised. A person could be poor or rich and still be raised with the "spend more than you have" mindset. I hope I'm making sense.

In my experience, while there are things that parents do that drive me nuts (like live-in's mom trying to give us a crib or hinting not so subtly that she wants grandkids NOW), but as far as being a deal-breaker, only if his family is full of serial killers and rapists.

The guys I pick, I pick for them. If they don't display the same nutty qualities that their families display, it's pretty much all gravy. If they do behave very similar to their parents (for instance, it would be a deal breaker if live-in had accepted the crib then pressured me to have a baby) I might question why I got into the relationship in the first place. Parents might drive me bonkers, but as long as they're not going to harm me physically I can avoid the touchy subjects.

I've noticed that some of the guys I've dated have had AWESOME families but have been complete jerks. I have been sadder over a breakup because of his family instead of him before.

I feel like I've get along better with men who grew up in a similar socioeconomic and educational environments. They are used how I feel about various topics: family, career, money, etc, and are more likely to agree with me. The last time I dated someone with a very different background, it didn't go very well (of course, he was jacked-up independent of that, but the background differences accentuated some stuff).

As for family involvement... my family is low-key and uninvolved (we all live far from each other), and I would get weirded out by more involved families. I would def spar with the woman who wanted to give me a crib to spurr on childbearing! Of course, I'm going to get married old-ish, so I'm hoping the future in-law has more sense than to mess with a 30+ y.o.

i totally agree...there are several rule breakers for me.

1. mamas boy...do i really need to go there lol!
2. grew up completely spoiled and doesnt "respect" money
3. nosy azz family. why do my S.O's aunts all have my phone number??? at first i was upset, but they never call so its ok. but if they did??? :mad:
4. doesnt attend ANY kind of church. we need to both believe in Jesus, the rest can be dealt with over time. i dont have the type of religion where one of us needs to convert so that is a good starting point.

I've never seen a boyfriend's parents more than this one - probably because we only live 45 minutes away. We see at least one of my boyfriend's family members almost every week. I'm 24, we're not married, we're just starting this living together thing. The woman is baby crazy!

I'm so glad my boyfriend agrees with me on the child/marriage issue, though - We are planning on it but not until we're financially stable enough to support that kind of life! Plus, he said, and this is a direct quote: "If you got pregnant we'd NEVER get rid of my mom!"

Part of me thinks she wants to live out her own life through us (his parents divorced a couple of years ago). I have a feeling that if and when we get married and have kids, the pressure would be on to have a girl, specifically, because she had two boys and always talks about how she wished they'd had a girl, too, so she'd have someone to girltalk with. Girltalk with her makes me extremely uncomfortable.

How can you say he won't have to convert if you have to both believe in Jesus?

i mean as far as judaism or catholicism where sometimes one of us would have to convert to the others denomination...actually my s.o. is baptist and i am church of christ so the beliefs are similar...as long as one of us isnt something where Jesus isnt mentioned then we can work from there.

I'm not sure if this falls under "background" so much but... it really is true, you marry a guy, you marry his family. Trust me, I found this out the hard way. No matter how many times he tells you it's your (as in you and him) life, if his parents are butting in before the wedding, the I dos won't change anything.

And sometimes its not that obvious... he may say he doesn't agree with his parents or he doesn't want them running his life, but his actions may prove differently.

oh okay, thanks for the clarification.

Agreed. If a person has been brought up with certain values that are the OPPOSITE of mine, it can be a deal breaker for me. The family itself isn't the issue.

I do have an issue with "nosy moms" who like to be all in their kids business though.

Certain values matter for me. Is he honorable/trustworthy? He needs to know the general right from wrong like lying and theft is bad. He needs to not have debt or live on credit. Religious beliefs are a touchy subject because mine tend to fluctuate quite a bit.

I have never had a family that I have disliked before this one. I mean they drive me crazy. Luckily it's a long flight, but if his older brother doesn't call twice a day (minimum it is usually three or four), its a good day. The worst moment yet is when the mother and I had a two hour talk (I stayed at their house for a few days and the boyfriend was at work) about how her four conceptions, pregnancies and c-sections. I wanted to throw up. If she was trying to make sure we waited to have kids, she went the right way.

P.S. MysticCat, you make me laugh. "I believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ the only son of the father..." Nicene Creed. It has been said at every Mass I have ever been to...

CG, it's hard for me to say, because I look at the guy not his family, but I guess I would mean like, pretty much everything. For example, if he was a great guy, but some members of his family were in jail, or on drugs, or maybe he was abused. I dunno, things like that, or pretty much some of the things you've listed too. Whatever is important to you.

PrettyBoy is already a given. I wouldn't even ask, it's a deal breaker for him. For him, she's gotta come from a "Royal Family" and speak the queen's English.:rolleyes:

:D As dekeguy has noted lately, "O Lord, I am not worthy . . . ."

I thought she only mentioned Catholicism because of conversion.

(I used to think Catholics prayed to the Virgin Mary. :p)

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Christiangirl is right, it is broad but it should be broad. So I'll answer with as much brevity as possible. :)

The family background of the man I seriously date and eventually marry is important to me. That's part of the continuous screening process. That includes family history of disease, mental and emotional health history, family socioeconomic history, and how the family interact with each other.

I also observe how much input his family has in his life, which is indicative of an umbilical cord effect. I wouldn't marry a man whose family is allowed to have an opinion and input on most things. I need for people to mind their own damn business so I don't have to tell them to. :)

The other stuff is a matter of grown adults making their own decisions regardless of how they were raised. He has save money, accumulate wealth, and have career and educational accomplishments and aspirations. That's basic adult stuff that makes someone a serious dating candidate to me. How we'll run our home will be negotiated so he won't be able to say "but my mommy always did the housework and took care of the kids." Good for her but that has nothing to do with us.

This matters to me but not because I will judge him. I will judge his family and those family members won't be coming around our household.

If someone is not taking charge of their life and/or in trouble all the time, I refuse to allow them to add drama to my life. That includes constantly having a problem to talk about or asking to borrow money. I feel no shame in telling anyone "no."

Considering the fact that my marriage didn't make it because of his dysfunctional family's issues and his unwillingness to work on how it affected him in counseling, I would take a good hard look at this in the future.

Well, I'll give it a whirl. Values are important to me and those must be similar. Our faiths must be similar, but not exactly mirror image. Labels aren't super important to me, as long as Jesus is in the mix as the Savior (not just random John Doe who like to do stuff for people) then I'm good. If you believe that, then I don't really care what you call yourself. I think someone from the same social class would be best, but there are good men in all classes. I wouldn't necessarily judge him on his family (no one would touch me with a 10-foot pole if they judged me on mine!) but it's important to see where a person comes from. Once we become adults, it doesn't affect us so much anymore, but the environment a person grew up in will always tell a lot about them. Values (like education, saving money) would have to be in line because we can't possibly raise our children as a team if we're polar opposites on what's really important in life. Also, whoever I marry has to have a rich sense of culture. I'm not super particular on race, but he's got to have a sense of where he comes from. I can't be one of those families whose kids say, "Where did our family come from?" and my husband says, "Well, honey, you know I was born in Texas." :rolleyes:

Right. I can handle a couple of sucky friends (everyone has a few) but if ALL of his friends suck, that's a deal-breaker for me because he picked them!

Someone once gave me this piece of advice and I find it to be true:

Watch how your boyfriend treats his mother, this is how he will eventually treat you. Beware if he treats his mother badly.

Men should spend time with their girlfriends mother because over time the girlfriend will become more and more like her mother.

Before I was married: I had a HUGE problem with baby's mama's drama... We ain't talking married, had a baby (ies), then divorced. We are talking, never been married, strung quite a few women along, had a few babies with each of them, and how want to get with you--someone who has 3 degrees, worked hard in school, making ends meet, etc. etc. etc. This is this man's family--drama in the past--who would get himself into that hot ghetto mess?

After I was married: There were no hidden trap doors (lol) with baby's mama's calling and hanging up at the house, etc. And whatnot. Extended family may not have much to do with the end result, but I chose someone of similar background to mine. He has both parents--or at least knows both parents and they shaped his personality.

My husband is more distant to his immediate family than I am to mine. Not just physically distant, but also mentally. He speaks to his folks roughly weekly, if that. I speak to my folks almost every other day. But that is my make up. How I connect to my folks is a bone of contention between us, because he does not share similar "family values" as I have been accustomed to. Did I know this before we were married? Sort of... There were some things I was in denial about or thought it would change over time. It did not--it has not--it might not...

Welp, all I can say, the dealbreaker is you never know ultimately until after you sign your name on the license.

You're absolutely right. Yes, it is a deal breaker for me. A good family and a two parent home are important to me. I'm not saying a single parent cannot raise a fine young man/woman, it is just what I prefer. I think a father in the household is very important (to me). I also look at how close the family is. Also, she has to share/have similar values that I was raised to have.

As far as dating is concerned, I date for one reason and one reason only, and that is to enter into courtship with one woman, from courtship to marriage. Dating for any other reason, is a waste of my time. When you marry, not only do you marry your partner, you marry into the family as well. Christmas/Thanksgiving are holidays when family get together to celebrate, and the last thing I want, is to be around a ghetto, trifling family. I don't care if she's white, black, yellow or red. To me, ghetto is ghetto and trifling is trifling. In my past relationship, my ex had issues with me, because I didn't like to be around her family. I was like you, I looked at the woman and the woman only. I paid no attention to the family. I learned my lesson from that. My reason for not wanting to be around her family was because they smoked weed, got drunk, hung out at strip clubs etc etc. That sort of thing and that is not my type of crowd. I don't come from that type of family and I don't want a woman that does either. Like I said in another thread. The foundation of what I look for in a woman are:

God-meaning she has to put Him before all things.
Family-I already summed that up in this thread and others.
Education-She's got to be educated.

If she's got the foundation, then we can move to the next level. But yes, the family is very, very important to me. IMO, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

And no she doesn't have to be from some "royal family" and speak like some queen. You're a trip.:rolleyes::)

I always thought they did to. The whole "Hail Mary full of grace mother of God" thing.

What if he's close to his family and has a problem with you telling them no?

^^^I knew I would see this somewhere in your post.:p

As soon as I saw your username, I said "Oh dear, here we go.":rolleyes:

This is the best post here. I agree 110%.http://l.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mesg/emoticons7/41.gif

He wouldn't have been in my life. :)

You might wish to change your example - Being from Texas is a big part of a Texian's sense of where he (or she!) comes from, and we most certainly have a distinct culture! :cool: :eek: ;)

:confused: They do pray to the Virgin Mary, just as they pray to Saints. But, it's not because the Virgin Mary or the Saints are equivalent to the Godhead. It's a request for intercession and a sign of reverence. It's similar to asking a pastor or a congregation to pray for you.

Anyway, my faith is more important to me than anything. I don't care about intellectual assent to Christianity (i.e. "Do you believe in Jesus?" "Yes" "Ok, then, you're good to go"). I'm concerned with the way a man lives his life.

Does he invite me to pray with him? Is he generous in the ways that can hurt (e.g. financially)? Is he respectful and warm to all people, including the folks that usually get stepped on (e.g. cleaning staff)? Does he tithe consistenly with no complaints? Does he always do what's best for me? Does he seek God's will above his own desires?

Education is important to me but only if it is in line with the path that God intends for my man. I'm not impressed with and I do not need to see a diploma hanging on the wall. I can see where a man is with God by looking at his life. And, I can deal with family issues if I know a man is praying for them. I wouldn't mind entering a dysfunctional family as long as my man is prayed up.

But, I'm married to the man I described (outside of the dysfunctional family), so I guess it doesn't matter any more.

I know. Also similar to the "St. Michael the Archangel defend us in battle" prayer that Catholics and nonCatholics say. St. Michael is obviously not Jesus.

(I'm a Christian who doesn't do prayer requests with my pastor and congregation. I leave that practice for other Christians.)

Oh stop it, you know what I meant. :p Okay, Montana then. But if Hannah runs in raving about how Montana is part of her idenitity, then I quit. :rolleyes::D

See? I was nice this time.:)

It could have been worse. I could have posted: "I don't want to be around a family full of domino rackin,' weed smokin,' Johnny Walker drinkin,' sorry azz jokers".

Right? :D

I'm actually on my first practicing Catholic boyfriend, but as a practicing Catholic myself, I've found that it's WAY more important to me than I ever thought it would be. It's nice that when we go to Mass together, we both know what's going on, and it's nice that his morals stem from the same place as mine. I swear to God, I never thought it would be this important to me--I never even thought of it as important until I had it. But, you know, I was never really willing to convert or anything, and I am expected to (and want to) raise my children Catholic when I have them. It's not even a question for me, but it might be for someone who wasn't raised Catholic or who wasn't particularly religious.

I also value him having a good relationship with his family. My ex wouldn't call his parents--or even answer their calls... he was a bad life choice! I also won't ever date anyone without a huge family again. I mean, I only have one brother, but I have on the order of two dozen cousins and step-cousins (not even counting the family friends that are close enough to be called uncle/auntie/cousin.) I've found that if a dude doesn't grow up in that environment, he's not gonna know what to do with my family.

I prefer a pretty similar socio-economic class and similar money values. The aforementioned ex's daddy had like 30k in credit card debt (I KNOW, RIGHT?) and NEVER again will I date someone who's been raised like that... cause on the COMPLETE other side of the fence is my daddy, who is probably the most frugal man on the planet. (I think the happy medium is to recognize nice things, and go for it when it's appropriate--e.g., buy the NICE suit on sale for what the cheap one would have been full price and always stay within your means--but don't overvalue them or put yourself in debt to get them.)

One thing I always thought would be important was region! I thought I'd only be happy dating guys from where my family is from (the South) or where I grew up (the West Coast). But now I'm dating this hardcore New Englander, and I even like the Red Sox gear he bought me. I was totally wrong--isn't that funny? Like, I swore up and down that I hated Boston accents, and now I think they're super cute. :P

Let us know when you have the ring and your wedding date... ;)

I am so happy for you to have found the man of your dreams--maybe the one God meant for you... Who knows?

Well, I was thinking more on the lines of him already being involved in your life. Like, if you were already married to him. For example, let's say you met him and he passed your screening and you two hit it off well. The only thing was he had some bad family members that you already knew about. He wasn't anything like them, but he was still apart of that family. What if someone from his family wanted to borrow a large sum of money, and he says yes and you say no. How would you handle that one? I mean, would you be with him if he came from a really bad family? Is that what you mean when you say he wouldn't have been in your life?

That's what I thought.

lol

Uhmm...I guess.:rolleyes::)

If I meet a guy who has no guano family members, odds are he's the guano one.

Hypothetically, anything can happen once you're married to someone. He knows where his "bread is buttered" and knows it isn't being buttered by his "bad family members." They have nothing positive to contribute so they really should be treated at arm's length. His primary family and primary focus are on HIS wife and kid.

That's not open for negotiation. However, if he independently chooses to dumb down and lends his "bad family members" money from HIS account, he better not touch the joint account, then he better be smart enough to do a contract of repayment for small claims court purposes. Business never personal. I can't be mad at what comes from HIS account but he better make sure it doesn't interfere with OUR finances and OUR family. People will disrupt your life and then go about their business, leaving you to pick up the pieces. A grown man knows all of this so I don't foresee this ever being more than a passing discussion.

I was thinking only one account. A joint account. Some couples are actually doing the two separate and one joint thing though. I don't see the purpose. I could see if he was bad with money, but even then, two separate accounts wouldn't make things better. I guess I look at marriage like the two candles. You know when there's two candles during the majority of the wedding ceremony, then they light one and blow the other two out? Everything should be one, including the account.

I think it causes a whole new set of problems when family members start asking to borrow money though.

No it's not.