long distance relationships
 

Has anyone else been in a serious long distance relationship? I'm starting to feel like I'm the last person in the world to be in a ldr, and I'm tired of people telling me, 'oh, that must be hard'.
I go to school in Jax and my boyfriend lives in Northern IN, and we've been together for almost 2.5 years. I'm going to see him in 2 days (yay!) and if anyone has any tips on how to make our visits easier, that'd be much appreciated

Long distance (to me) is at least 5 hours away
He lives in Northern, IN. I live in Jacksonville, FL.
We talk like 4 times a day and we always talk before we go to sleep.

o.k. I'm about two hours from mine. That's cool. Always communicate with each other, and make that priority number one. Since you two are five hours away, if possible, you should try to see each other at least one weekend a month, and definitetly continue to talk when you're not together. If you get into an argument, do not go to bed mad at each other. I can't stress that enough.

Good luck to you.:)

thanks for that post...I didn't find it when I searched

I'm 4 hours away from my boyfriend :( He just transferred last semester so it's been almost a year since we've been apart. We've been together for exactly 11 months (in 2 days). We talk everyday. He made me get a webcam so we can talk online & videocall too :) He visits every 2-3 weekends. And since our Thanksgiving is longer than his, I'm going to visit him at his school until he gets out too :D I'm pretty excited

Yes, I cry EVERY time he leaves or I have to leave him :)

My boyfriend and I were long distance for a year after he found a job in Chicago and I was still living in Pittsburgh (finishing my degree).

It was tough but we saw each other as much as possible, talked on the phone (almost) every day, and were really careful about being honest and open with each other about what was going on in our lives and who we were hanging out with.

We also had a plan to fix the situation. I moved out here when I finished my degree (two months ago) and things have been great so far.

Make things as normal as possible when you see each other. That way, when you are in the same city, you can pick things up where you left off.

I'm also a proponent of getting out of a long distance relationship when there's no future other than long distance.

This is a good point. LDRs are meant to be a temporary situation.

At some point, if two people are in their relationship for the long haul (meaning you have mutually decided that you're eventually moving on to a next step like engagement and marriage), there needs to be a plan to end the distance. Example: Suzy and Bobby are long distance while Bobby finishes law school in NY. When Bobby graduates, he will move to Suzy's town.

My boyfriend and I were in an LDR for about a year and a half from Oregon to Michigan. One thing that is difficult is to be normal. Don't worry about arguing or being in a fight because this is the only time you get together, otherwise you are being fake.
Web cams are amazing. Skype is also pretty awesome. He moved eventually but now we are about two hours apart. It is a big improvement, but still difficult and annoying.

Whenever we have visits now or when we did Michigan to Oregon that was something we brought up. My first visit there I was on "date behavior" and I held everything for about a week before we had a yell/cry fest for hours. There is no point if you are on date behavior (Do you mind if I steal that term? I love it) because you can't grow together as a couple. How is your significant other supposed to know what makes you happy?

Also, don't worry about having outside activities. Yes, they may make it harder to see or talk to your significant other, but if you don't have them you will sit around bored and depressed. You go insane pretty quickly waiting for them to get out of class/work.

My boyfriend and I used to fight on the phone whenever there were enough hurt feelings for a fight.

One time we had a fight on the phone when he was in Pittsburgh (his attitude was shitty as hell that day).

I figure had we not been long distance, we would have fought anyway. Once we decided to move in together we had about three fights over the phone right away. I like to think we were getting it out before our first month of living together so it would be nice and neither of us would feel the need to break the lease.

That is kind of where we're stuck at...we've talked engagement, and I know it's going to happen eventually. I'm graduating in May and I'm applying to graduate schools that are at least in his surrounding area or state, but I don't feel like I should have to do that.

If those schools have good programs for what you want, then there's no reason you shouldn't. I was already in my program by the time my boyfriend left, but I had no problem picking up and moving to him when I finished. Would I have had an easier time finding a job in DC or NYC? Probably - but Chicago's got opportunities too. I think with this economy I probably would have had trouble finding a job anywhere, and I for sure know I wouldn't be alright if I had stayed in Pittsburgh.

It's not a question of shouldn't have to do it, it's a question of do you want to do it? If you don't want to do it, then don't. Just know that that could spell the end of your relationship. Grad school is hard work (although I know people who would disagree with me, but I was PAYING to have a 60 hour work week, on top of BEING paid to work part time), and he could be great support for you while you're doing it, and a detriment to you if it's still long distance. I know that if it hadn't been for my boyfriend I never would have made it through my first year of grad school (but I had other complications besides just school - my mom was diagnosed with cancer during finals fall semester and passed away right before finals spring semester). I also know that if I missed opportunities during my second year (while he was gone) to hang out with my classmates in order to go see him or have him in town. It was a source of weirdness for him, too, because my school was at least 75% men and 25% women, so most of my classmates were guys.

Regardless, you'll need support in grad school. If the programs are good, and close to him, there's no reason why you shouldn't at least check them out. Make sure you apply to your dream school, as well, even if it's far away, and maybe another school that you like that's not close. If, after acceptances, you check out all the programs and you're still not feeling moving closer to him, then don't. You shouldn't move closer to him if you don't want to. Just don't expect him to move closer to you in the future.

I agree with the above. My bf and I were about 7 hrs away for almost a year. I moved to his town once I graduated a few months a go. We have been together approximately 2 yrs, and are doing well since the move

The only reason we're still in this is because we know we are going to get married in the future. We have 1.75 more years until I graduate (and maybe he will too . Transferring schools messed up his credits).

Thank you :) This is pretty much the advice that I needed to hear. I am applying to my dream school, which is a few states over, but also to schools that I do love that are in Chicago too.

My boyfriend and I are about two hours away from each other, which compared to others isn't bad. We see each other about every other weekend and his hometown is like 20-30 minutes from my hometown so breaks are really nice. We talk everyday and I like to think we act normal, we talk about the same type of stuff that we'd talk about over dinner every night and I think that's the important part. Once we graduate, we'll be moving together. I'll get a job wherever he gets into med school since it will be easier for me to find a job than him to get into a med school in the area where I want to live lol.

I know a few other 2-4 hour long distance relationships that seem to be working okay. I think it would be harder if you're dating someone who likes to go out and party and stuff. I'm a natural worrier (like safety, not really cheating and stuff) so when I don't hear from him when he says he'll be around I immediately start to think the building burned down with him inside or something LOL. But he's used to that about me so it works :)

I think the most important part is just acting normal. Not being afraid to argue, because some people don't know there's a problem unless you tell them and if you don't tell them then it won't be fixed and you'll just get more upset.

I also agree with KSUViolet. Eventually, somebody is going to have to relocate, especially if you guys see it getting serious.

My boyfriend and I met 11 months ago. I was living in Atlanta and he was living in Texas...so that's a LOT of distance, but we still managed to see each other every other month (we both traveled to each other's respective state). Eventually I was the one who decided to relocate to Texas. I got my Americorps position in San Marcos.

We're STILL long distance, LOL because he attends Stephen F. Austin in Nacogdoches which is 4 hours away now :mad: but that's better than 12+ hours :D but now I can visit every other weekend.

One thing I can say about LDR's is that there has to be a tremendous amount of trust involved because you don't see each other all the time. I've also learned to communicate my needs and concerns better too. This is my first LDR too, so I'm still learning as I go.

I figured that I would update my own post (shocker, I know)
After spending more time with him and passionately discussing our relationship, I decided that my tentative plan is to get into a graduate school in Chicago or in IN. Then, after I finish my Master's to move in together.

Thanks so much to everyone for their advice and comments!

I'm currently in a LDR with my GF of almost 2 years. We met in high school, went to the same university and she graduated this past spring. She currently teaches English in a few schools in Japan while I'm still in Massachusetts working on my degree. It hasn't been easy, but we try to keep in regular contact with webcams and microphones. She is planning to come back to the states either later this spring or this summer.

my boyfriend and i dated 8 months long distance from miami, florida to buffalo, ny. of course it's hard as hell, but it tells you he's definitely in this for you and not for the "perks" because there really arent any. Obviously you may know better than i do since you've been dating longer, but we're at nearly a year and a half now (he transfered schools for me) and going strong, summers suck but lets just say southwest airlines gets a lot of business from us. goodluck and if he's really something special, which im guessing he is, hang onto him and make it work. try to make this LDR a SDR as soon as possible. it will relieve soooo much stress and you can just smile at eachother every night :)

Let me go on the record with this one:

I freaking HATE Buffalo International Airport. WITH A PASSION.

I have been in a long distance relationship for almost two years now. He is in college five hours away from me. Our relationship has not suffered one bit. In fact, I think the distance is one of the reasons we became so close so quickly. We began dating when he was home for christmas break one year, so we were spoiled for about a month and a half. When he had to go back, we depended upon phone calls, texts, facebook, and letters. Eventually we kind of naturally fell into a "system" that we follow to this day.
1) Whoever gets up first sends the other a good morning text, and we text until one has to go to class.
2) We text each other at lunch to see how the day is going.
3) When I get off work, he calls and we have a short conversation just to talk about our day thus far.
4) Finally, we call each other right before we are both about to go to sleep. We usually have a long hour long conversation, say goodnight, and then we both go to sleep. It's like we live our day together except separately.

In 1995, I was very involved in chat rooms on CompuServe. I was part of a tight knit channel (what they called chat on Cserve). A lot of the folks ended up having regular get togethers but they were pretty party oriented and I was a wife and mom so I never went. I did become very good chat friends with one of the men on the channel who was from Atlanta. He was newly divorced and just out of the Air Force after 17 years. I used to give him dating advice, we played Scrabble online together and talked about everything and anything. We got along great and had similar senses of humor. We talked for over 5 years. I got divorced in 2000 and he was going to be in Ohio for business. He asked if I could meet him for dinner because he wanted to meet his friend face to face. I knew many people who had met him in person and had heard nothing but good about him so I trusted him. I met him in Ohio for dinner. It was then that we discovered that we had an amazing chemistry that we didn't expect. We saw each other a few more times but realized quickly that it was a pretty hopeless situation since I had young kids, 50-50 custody and couldn't move. He had a really good job and his family was all in Atlanta and moving wasn't an option for him either. So, we stuck to emailing and chatting occasionally while we both continued on with our lives, other relationships, etc. We hadn't emailed in about a year when I found him on Facebook in January. He is single again, I am single. We realized that we've been talking for 14 years now. Our communications have increased a lot but I still have 5 years before I'd be available to move and, quite honestly, anybody hoping to find a job and move to Michigan is purely out of luck. We did realize though, that after 14 years, only 5 more doesn't seem like so much. We will continue to lead our lives as we have, dating, etc. but we have decided that if, in 5 years, when my youngest goes away to college, we feel like we do today and there is nobody else in the picture for either of us, I will move to Atlanta and we will finally get a chance to see if "we" can work. We are making plans to see each other a couple times this summer. How's that for a long distance relationship?

ETA: It sounds so crazy in writing. I am a big believer in fate though and decided several years ago that if we are meant to be, then all will work out. He has had several 2-3 year relationships and they have not worked out for him. He totally shares my cynicism towards marriage and usually ends up breaking up when the woman gets tired of just living together and wants to get married. In the meantime, he will remain one of my best friends. If he finds happiness with someone else, then I am happy for him. In some weird way, I never feel jealous about his relationships, as long as I have our friendship. It's so weird.

My bf and I go to school together, and we're both graduating in June. He wants to work for the Highway Patrol, so he'll eventually go to the training academy in Sacramento for 6 months then be stationed who-knows-where for a year. Sac is about 2 hours away from my hometown.

We're used to seeing each other almost EVERY day, and I spend the night at his place pretty frequently. We're both moving back home with our respective parents in September. I'll only be an hour away from him, but it seems like a lot since I usually see him ALL the time. I know I'm whining, and this is really trivial compared to other people but it's still going to be a big change. I have no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing a year from now. Ahhh scary!

So for those who began an LDR already being apart (as opposed to being together and then one moving), how did your relationships start? Any good stories? (I like yours AGD;).)

I'm in a long distance....well I count it as long enough it's like 3.5-4.5 hours depending on traffic, but the big issue is that our schedules clash entirely so its ridic to find time to see each other. It gets hard, but I'm just living for when we're back together again... We've been long distance...this will be the 3rd school year thing.... yuck.

I miss nittanyalum.

Me too.

And, I've discovered this summer that the "man of my dreams" isn't. So, it wasn't meant to be, and that's ok.

I mean, if she's not on the internet and everyone else is, that's kind of long-distance, right?

In other news, I just made it home from the airport, right after midnight, due to my long-distance insistence.

I guess I should update my own post :o

I got accepted to a graduate school in Chicago just like I wanted, and I start Tuesday. I'm actually at my boyfriend's now, and in comparison to our other visits, this one seems alot less rushed...we have time to enjoy each other's company more since we know that we'll be seeing each other more often. Between my class/work schedule and his work schedule, we're going to try and see each other 2x a month and hopefully move in together in a year or so.

I didn't know there was a thread for me to be miserable in.

My boyfriend is in a PhD program at Penn State and I am in medical school in Ohio ~4 hours away. It's only been 3 weeks, so we'll see how this situation evolves, but I think we're going to try to see each other at least once a month....its hard because both our schedules are so crazy. We've been dating for almost five years, so breaking up seemed silly (plus neither of us wanted to), but we're looking at a loooooong time apart. Sigh.

When I graduated college, my significant other and I moved in different directions and we tried to keep it going as a long distance relationship. We didn't make it. In the end this was a good thing. In a lot of ways an LDR is a test of the strength of a relationship, particularly one where you were geographically together before going long-distance.

When it was good, it was pretty good. We talked on the phone every day (and this was before the advent of the all-you-can-eat cell phone and internet phone so that's a lot easier now). It was important to be able to tell each other about our days and what it was like in our new lives in our respective cities.

Also, being totally honest here, we were comfortable with, umm, intimacy over the telephone (blush) which helped us cope with being apart and kept us feeling close.

Also the reunions were fantastic, after being apart. It wasn't that unusual to finally get out of bed to realize we had to start thinking about where to go for dinner . . .

In some ways the good parts of the LDR gave us a false sense of the "goodness" of the relationship. If we saw each other every day there may not have been as many moments that set off the fireworks (in a good way). Being chronically apart kind of leads to every moment together being a "big ticket" moment. For me these are much easier to navigate than the day-to-day moments of a non-LDR.

The bad part of the LDR was the feeling of going to parties, etc., and seeing other people with their real-life bf/gf in tow and realizing that a part of you was missing . . . and not knowing how to ever become whole. Being apart also gives each partner a chance to do a lot of thinking. In our case we saw that we were not right for each other, despite our ability to create the fireworks. We were also each growing attached to our new lives and neither wanted to give that up.

I echo those that say having a plan on how the distance gap will be closed is incredibly important.

Very best of luck to the OP and to all others in similar circumstances!

Three more weeks until I have to face that again. Sigh. Does summer have to end? I don't want to move! Plus this year, since I'm living in, visits will be shorter since the boyfriend only has one day off a week so there is no point in renting a hotel room for him to stay the night which means I'll get to see him for maybe part of a day depending on classes and then he will have to drive home. I mean our situation is much better than when it started (102 miles vs 2400 miles) but it still is going to suck.

I'm beginning to resent my phone.

I've never done a long distance monogamous relationship.

I knew that I require too much quality time and face-to-face, one-on-one attention and interaction for a LDR. :)

I'm a terrible phone-talker; seriously, I can't talk on the phone to anyone for more than 10-15 minutes. For that reason alone I never would have been good in a long-distance relationship.

I would say that just about my entire relationship with my now husband has been long distance. I think that it makes both of us stronger individuals that create a very loving couple.

We started dating 15 years ago while living in the same college town. We didn’t expect the relationship to last over the summer while being 2 hours apart but when classes started up again, we were able to pick up where we left off. He graduated the next year and moved 8 hours away for grad school. We would talk on the phone for about 20 minutes per day (pre-cell phones and unlimited minutes) and have weekend meetings at a hotel half-way in between about every 6-weeks. The final semester of my senior year, I only had classes on Tue/Thu so I would make the drive about every 3-weeks to spend long weekends with him. Eventually, I graduated and he had another year of grad school. We were now just 6 hours away and continued to speak daily and meet up whenever we could. Eventually, he graduated and was successful in finding a job near where I lived. We got engaged shortly thereafter (5 years into the relationship) and moved-in together when we got married a year later. Now, after nine years of marriage, I feel as though I am still living in a long distance relationship because his job takes him all over the country for months at a time. Somehow, we are still able to make it work.

I am of the belief that long distance can work if the two individuals are strong enough to handle it. A couple has to be willing to give each other the trust and independence to make it successful.

I did an LDR my senior year of college and in my first year of graduate school. I would not do it again, even though the relationship survived for a few years after we were in the same city.

It worked well for me at the time. It really allowed me to really focus on my work during those two crucial years. Also, the culture at my college regarding relationships was more along the "pretend marriage" route (that ironically DO NOT end in marriage), and I knew that wasn't for me. In fact, I was hanging out with one of my best girlfriends from college, who was in one of those relationships from sophmore year onwards, and she clearly expressed regrets about letting her relationship--which she knew was going nowhere--take over her social and academic life because "everyone else was doing it." I know that's not healthy, and not everyone does it, but that was my college for you.

I wouldn't do it again because I know a lot more about myself than I did 7 years ago, and how I'm not really a phone person. Finally, I'm at the point in my life where I want to settle down and being in an LDR is not conducive to settling down without major sacrifices on one or another person's part.