Advice and status of my move in
 

I didn't want to start a new thread. I actually wanted to post this in the old thread I started back in March, but it got trainwrecked by a couple of idiots and you know who you are. While the thread was doing great, the advice was great. Like I was saying we're engaged and we did move in together, and yes his roommate is still living with us too. That's not the problem right now though.

The problem we're having now is coming from his friend. His friend is a she. He's in grad school and so is she. Apparently she's his study partner. It's actually a few of them, guys and girls, but after the others leave, she stays. I usually sit across the hallway in the tv room so I can hear the conversation. It's innocent and it's not like he's trying to hide anything, but just the fact of her sitting as close to him as she has been bothers me. To make a long story short, we got into a heated argument about it. Actually a few arguments. Only one of of them was really heated. It's almost as if he doesn't respect my wishes. I asked him why does she always have to stay after they leave? Why do you always walk her to her car when she leaves? And then her fucking phone calls. He says it's not just her, it's the other part of the group calling too. I always thought unconditional love was respecting each others wishes. I know he loves me, but it just doesn't seem the way it was when we 1st got engaged. He seems to be drifting away. Is it just me? Do you think I'm being overly jealous? Something tells me she likes him and he feels the same way about her. I haven't seen anything to make me think that, but why does he have to walk her to her car? He tells me because it's dark outside. Oh bullshit, you can look at her walk to her car through the fucking window! All of our recent conflicts have been over her. What should I do? It's almost as if I can do nothing, because technically he's done nothing wrong. Advice needed....please.

Gretchen

You are being incredibly insecure. You will push him away if you keep it up. I would be impressed by any man who is selfless enough to walk a woman to her car in the dark. Do you think that by watching her leave he could deter a rapist? Nope. Walking her to the car could though.

You're asking for advice, but it doesn't seem like you're following any of the advice you've been given.:)

I agree partially here. He should respect your wishes. That's something you two need to sit down and talk about.
What's wrong with the joker walking her to her car? :confused:

I don't think anything is wrong with you being jealous. There's envy and there's jealousy. Envy relates to wishing you had what someone else has. That's not good. Jealousy relates to protecting something that is rightfully yours and IMO, there's nothing wrong with that.

IMO, "unconditional love" doesn't mean respecting your wishes. If he respects himself, he'll respect you, and if he respects you, he will respect your wishes. Love and respect are two different things. The only way love can last a lifetime is if it is unconditional. I think you're confusing the two. You said "you know he loves you" but the truth is, love is not determined by the one being loved, but rather by the one choosing to love.

BTW: LMAO @ looking at her walk to her car through the window.:rolleyes::D

I think you're being completely, over-the-edge unreasonable. If your jealousy rises to those levels, it doesn't make for a healthy relationship. You said it yourself: "technically, he's done nothing wrong."

If you see every move as a sign of cheating, or a sign of weakness in him, then you should really re-think things.

Again, you say you believe that nothing is happening, yet keep contradicting yourself. It seems to me that you are not ready for this level of relationship. What is going to change between now and your wedding, for you to trust this man? Because you are pushing him away. He might as well go ahead and find someone else because he is already being punished for doing so.

Just the opinion of an old married woman.

You have some serious trust issues. Unless that's his fault (because he lies or has broken that trust), then your trust issues are a personal problem. Get some therapy or something.

From time to time in your relationship, your spouse will have friends. There's a very high probability that some of his friends are going to be female.

If you can't trust the guy to sit around talking to another woman or walk her to her car, why do you trust the guy enough to promise to spend the rest of your life with him? And if you can't trust him with those things, what does that tell you about your relationship? About yourself?

Oh, the horror. You're actually living with/engaged to a gentleman who has some manners . . . a gentleman always walks a lady to a car when it's dark outside. It's called good manners. Be grateful you're involved with someone who seems to have them.

Not necessarily -- not when those wishes are completely unreasonable.

I mean this in the nicest way possible: You really need to work on your trust issues and really think about how you feel about this relationship. You say you're afraid he's drifting away. I can't help but wonder if you're pushing him away.

Is this other girl friendly to you? There's a chance that she has a good friendship with your fiance or is just a very friendly person. If she's friendly to you, try reciprocating. You might end up liking her. If you want to make your presence at home "known" to her, don't be a Creepy McCreeperson and hang out outside the door in the other room - pop in and say "Hey I'm getting a drink, does anyone want anything?" Or "I'm gonna make a snack, want something?" You'll get much farther in your jealousy issues regarding her if you're actively friendly to her than you will if you sit and stew all night.

Your fiance should be walking her to her car.

You probably have never been, nor will you always be, the only woman in your fiance's life. You're going to have to share him from time to time.

At least they come to your house to study - You know where he is, and what he's doing, and who he's doing it with. And honestly - if I had a nickel for every time my boyfriend brushed off the fact that I was studying late with a bunch of men while we were not only not living together, but not even in the same state, I'd be able to offset my recent losses in the stock market. If he can handle that, then there's no reason to be freaking out over what's going on in your own home.

Good luck with everything, hopefully you can get all of this worked out before the wedding.

DSTCHAOS would have been perfect in this thread.

It's that sentence right there that has me believing this isn't about a study partner.

FWIW, I don't think unconditional love is possible between people. It could be argued that sometimes parents might have it, but I don't think that's a good description of romantic love. "Agape" love, aka unconditional, is what God is said to have for all of us. I'm sure there are plenty things ("conditions") your fiance could do that would make you leave him, which means that it's not unconditional. At least I hope you have certain standards that if broken would make you leave him...if not, raise your standards.

The type of love you're looking for is romantic love, but really you're just describing a certain kind of faithfulness...you're expecting him to be faithful, which is important, but it's by no means the same as unconditional love. Love is not the end all and be all of a relationship, as people here are pointing out to you. You need to trust him, and you don't. You're very insecure if you're threatened by your fiance walking his classmate to her car at night. If I were Dr. Drew, I'd ask you what the real issue is..."Were your parents divorced?" or "Were you abused by someone close to you as a child?"

I read all of the responses, and I appreciate you guys taking time out to offer me advice. You guys are great. Maybe I need to give more detail. I was sitting in the tv room watching tv and they're right down the hallway. I actually have to get up and walk that way to see them. When I got up, she's always sitting very close to him. I honestly don't think their knees need to be touching. When he walks her to her car how long does that take? Someone tell me. A minute tops? They're out there for at least 10-15 minutes at a time. He tells me they're talking about school. ok. in the fucking dark? Bullshit. No, I don't know her, and I only speak to the whole study group. It's not like a get into a conversation with them. I make them all something to eat, serve it to them and then I go away to mind my own business. She used to leave with them, but recently she started staying. Some other things I forgot to mention is how he dresses when the group meets at someone elses house. He used to dress really nice and somewhat trendy when we 1st got together, now he doesn't anymore. Only when he meets with that group. It's almost as if he let himself go when he's around me. I know I'm going to get the "insecure girl look" when I say this, but she's really pretty and any guy would be physically attracted to her, so I asked him is he physically attracted to her? He wouldn't answer at 1st and tried to blow me off. I told him to answer me, and he said "Ah, yeah, she's o.k. I guess, but you're taking things too far". I said "techinically" he's done nothing wrong because I haven't seen anything obvious in my face. Just signs of it. We've been together for a while and as far as I know of he's never cheated on me, and I've never had issues with anything until now. Something just isn't right, and why does she wear clothes the other girls in the group don't wear?

MysticCat you're right. Some things can be unreasonable, but in this case I think he should respect my wishes.

PrettyBoy, he's always respected himself and me, or so I thought. I agree, he should respect my wishes especially if I'm going to be his wife. And no there isn't anything wrong with him walking her to the car, but for 15 fucking minutes? And don't tell me you would be o.k. with that.

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly. And yes, DSTCHAOS offers some of the best advice in D&R.

I want him to tell her. I just don't know how I can tell him to tell her. Guys, he just doesn't seem to care what I think. I'm his fiance'/future wife, shouldn't he listen to me and understand how I feel? We used to get along so well until she showed up. Relationships wouldn't be so hard if couples would just listen to and respect each other.

If you are planning to get married, it's time to take your issues off a message board and into your relationship. You two need to communicate. If you need help, seek the advice of a couple's therapist. You also might benefit from having your own therapist, because you have a lot of anger and insecurity. Warranted or not, these are things best dealt with by professionals, not a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Best of luck.

I'm usually a very jealous person, unless I feel secure in a relationship. Like everyone said, you're being extremely insecure and it's affecting your relationship. The part I put in bold- do you really think he's cheating on you right in front of your house? (or wherever you live). All it would take to get caught is you walking by a window- if something IS going on, I hope he isn't a big enough idiot to hook up with someone in plain sight.

What is he going to tell his friend? "My fiance thinks you're sitting to close to me" or "My fiance is upset that you don't leave with the rest of the group"? It even sounds ridiculous. As far as his outfits go.. maybe he's "let himself go" a little bit around you, or maybe he's just COMFORTABLE. You're getting married, he doesn't need to dress up every time you two are together, especially when you live together. Maybe he just doesn't want to look like a slob in front of his classmates- I'd appreciate that.

The only way that you should be concerned is if all of the nice things he does for her, he's ONLY doing for her.

If he walks her out to her car when it's dark, and he walks you out to your car when it's dark, then there shouldn't be a problem. If he's only doing it for her, then you should be concerned.

I love my boyfriend dearly, and he is quite possibly the greatest thing to happen to me. And what makes me even more attracted to him is that in addition to doing nice things for me, he does nice things for other people.. and for girls!

He has a class with one of my sorority sisters, and when she missed a class one day, he asked me for her number so that he could call her, tell her what she missed, copy the assignment for her, and go over it with her so she knew what was going on. That doesn't make me jealous. It makes me happy that I'm lucky enough to be with someone who's so incredibly nice!

And my bf has other girls that like him. I know that. Who wouldn't?! haha. But even if a girl is flirting with him, I KNOW that he loves me. And even if he "flirts" a little back, I know that it won't amount to anything.

If you can't trust that, then you can't trust him. And that's a HUGE problem.

And trust me when I say that if you keep getting upset about these things, when in reality, they could amount to absolutely nothing, you're are DEFINITELY going to push him away. I've been the one who's been pushed away before, and it really gets annoying when you have someone questioning every move you make.

I'm confused.

Oh, dear God! You've only been living together for how long now? A few months, based on another thread you started and your already having problems? I actually thought the roommate guy was going to to be the problem, but it sounds like you're the problem. I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously.....

I may be in the minority here, but based on what she's posted so far, I would disagree with those that say she's being crazy.

I feel like she has a reason to be concerned.

I will say though that him behaving differently is also a cause for concern. If he was previously the type of guy to try to ease his lady's fears and now all of a sudden he's spending all this extra time with this one girl that he KNOWS is causing problems with him and his finance, it's almost like he's doing that on purpose or something.

Unfortunately though, I don't have any advice to try to smooth things over with him.

I had a guy who behaved like that once and it was pretty much his way of telling me he didn't care about our relationship and no longer wanted to be serious. We were 4.2 seconds away from getting engaged. I'm very certain that if we did get married, we would have been divorced by now.

Since you kept talking about him and the girl, I doubt you understood. You threw in a blurb about how things between you aren't the same anymore...that he's not dressing up for you, etc. That's the part that made me think this isn't really about the girl. Maybe it's pissing you off a bit, but that's not where the problem really lies, IMO. So figure out what's really bugging you (which you've partially identified) and take THAT to him as a real concern because, from the way you're talking, this girl is just a sidebar to a bigger issue.

I dont think you are crazy but I do think you are insecure. The question is...do you have a right to be. I am a FIRM believer in intuition. That feeling that tells you to turn right instead of left, tells you that a particular coworker isnt to be trusted etc. I think your intuition is being tweaked. You have to determine if you actually have trust issues or if your are getting the very early warning signals of something being wrong in your relationship. I would suggest that you fall back on nagging and pressing the issue and simply observer behaviours. If you are correct you will have collected hard data to support your theory. If you are incorrect, then you know you need to seek help for trust issues.

Either way...chill.

No, I wouldn't be o.k. with it. You didn't post any of this in your original post. Like I said before, he should respect your wishes and since he's not, IMO that's a problem. Respect is more to do with being treated as you would like to be treated. Your opinion needs to be heard and valued, and your feelings need to be regarded. Respectful people don't lose respect over time, they increase it. It doesn't sound like he's doing that with you. I could be wrong, but I'm responding to what you posted.

"Gretchen W", if I were you, I wouldn't jump into marriage with this joker. I wouldn't because a man should love his s/o completely, passionately and romantically, while serving her and giving her the respect she desires and deserves. Based on your post, I don't think you're being inscure.

Be careful, because cheating doesn't start overnight. A lot of times (and in your case) a man usually begins by conversing with a close female friend, it could be at work, a neighbor and in your case a study partner. The "conversation only":rolleyes: friendship then develops into a deeper relationship of trust and desire. One step at a time, the relationship is compromised by deeper feelings of trust and emotional dependence in the 3rd party, and if he doesn't stop himself, he'll cheat. Based on your post, it sounds like your fiance is headed in this direction. There's nothing wrong with having conversations with the opposite sex, I just think there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. There's also nothing wrong with him walking her to her car, but if I were him, the way I would have handled it, I would have said as I was walking down the hallway (based on your description) I would have said to you (if you were my fiance) "Hey babe, I'm getting ready to walk (her) to her car. Come walk with us." I would do that to put it out there who I am in love with. But then again, that's just me. Do what you want to do, but I would be careful, and think a little more into it before you jump into marriage with a man who doesn't respect your feelings.

Just because you agree with her doesn't mean you're not both in the minority here. ;)

I don't know that any of us are saying she's being "crazy." I think many of us are saying that the situation she's posting doesn't sound like it's really about the study partner -- it sounds more like it's about her insecurity, perhaps some conflict on both her and her boyfriend's part about whether this is what they really want, and the need to communicate openly and honestly.

As an example of the latter -- you talk about the need for him to respect her feelings. I agree with that up to a point, but I see little in her posts that indicates to me that she is respecting his feelings or demonstrating that she trusts him. After 20 years of marriage, I'd say that a good relationship isn't about her respecting my feelings or me respecting hers -- that's too simplistic. It's about finding the balance where we both feel respected and heard, and where, after compromise if need be, we each feel that we are respected by the other and that we are being true to ourselves. Lose that balance and everything else will go out of balance.

It didn't start out this way. I expressed my feelings to him about how I felt about her, and he laughed and said it's nothing. No, I don't expect him to tell her that way. I just expect him to keep his distance from her. It's just something about her. She rarely says anything to me, and just this week again, it's been the same long talks with her outside in front of her car. I haven't said much to him about it, in fact, I let it go, but it still bothers me. The sex, isn't even like it was. He says he's stressed because of school, and that may be, but when we were in undergrad, he never complained about that.

I think what I'm going to do, is do it back to him. I start my classes in the winter. I'll get a study partner too and see how he likes it.

He's not the one to open doors for women or anything, not even me. I don't think anything is bad about that, that's just him. I don't mind him walking her to her car at night, but does he have to talk to her for 15-20 minutes at a time? Flirting? I don't know if he is or isn't. I hear them laughing and giggling in his study room sometimes. I wouldn't call it flirting. I don't know what they're doing, I just don't like it. Our wedding is scheduled for August of next year, and I'm having 2nd thoughts about it.

And this is how I feel. It seems like he doesn't give a shit anymore.

We weren't having problems until she came along.

Then I misunderstood you. I think it's about her.

MysticCat I agree with your posts, especially seeing that you've been married for 20 years, but I do respect his feelings. I don't see the balance between the two of us, there actually hasn't been any. I do think it is about her, because we've been together for a long time and he's never ignored my thoughts on anything, until now.

Pretty boy I agree with you and I am having 2nd thoughts about marriage with him. What you posted makes a lot of sense, but when you posted that you're only responding to my post, you made it sound as if I'm only telling my side of the story. I am telling you guys exactly how things are now, and how they once were. Ever since she arrived, it started. Let me add that before they all formed a study group, he would bring her name up in conversation sometimes. At the time it didn't bother me. But I agree with you, MysticCat and texasprincess, and I'm not insecure at all.

I really hope this is a joke. Because if this is your idea of how to deal with the situation, you and he have a lot of trouble ahead of you.
No, it's about you and him. She's just a symptom. Even if the way he acts with her makes you feel like he doesn't care about you any more, that's a problem between you and him. If it hadn't been this study partner, it would have been someone or something else.

You need to ask yourself these questions (among others) and answer them honestly.

Do you trust him?

If not, why not?

If so, does he know you trust him?

Then, you and he need to have honest conversations about all of this. And I would strongly suggest pre-marital counseling. (I don't think any couple should get married without it.)

ETA:
See, this what makes me think it's about you and him. Like I said, if it weren't her, it would be someone or something else.

Could it be that, now that y'all are living together, he's having second thoughts, too? Maybe this is how he's dealing with those second thoughts and communicating them to you.

I really hope you and he can find a way to talk about all of this.

*laughing* no it's not a joke, and I wouldn't do that to him. I was just typing out of frustration.

I trust him, but I don't like the situation. I don't trust her around him. I haven't asked him if he knows I trust him. I'm thinking he does. We're going to be going to pre-marital counseling, closer to our wedding. MysticCat, thanks for all of this. I'm going to have a one on one talk with him tonight and see how he feels. He already knows how I feel. I've already expressed that to him.

It very well could be about us, but it really seems like he's really into her. She calls him on the phone and they talk for about 30 minutes. The conversation right off sounds like it's about school, but then he walks outside or somewhere else where I can't hear the conversation. It's a lot, and some things come to mind as I type. But I'll talk to him tonight.

Thanks MysticCat.

Good luck!! :)

Counseling sounds like a good idea. There's no way your marriage will make it if this is how things are already going just a few months in to your engagement/cohabitation.

Yes, to counseling.

Why are you waiting until closer to the wedding? It is as if you are just checking it off your to-do list and not really using it as an evaluator of your status as a potential married couple.

Please don't use school as an excuse. Once the wedding gets closer you will be just as busy as you are now.

Plus, if counseling uncovers some real problems in the relationship that cause you to re-evaluate that August date, it would be much easier to deal with that now. Do not be one of *those people* who just choose to walk down the aisle, knowing there are issues, just because the invitations have already been sent.

If you do try to use "we are too busy with school" as an excuse now, then do your counseling over the Christmas holidays. But do not wait until you are knee deep into the wedding details.

I was cheering for you up until you posted the bolded. That is silly and immature. Maybe it really is you.

Sorry "GW" for my last post. You keep adding. So now, what you've added, I agree with you. I would feel the same way.

Drop the bum.