Gifts that hurt your feelings
 

What do you do when you get a gift for an anniversary or something that CLEARLY has no thought put into it?

I ask because I just celebrated my one-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I spent a lot of time finding the perfect gift for him, only to find that he bought me a sweatshirt that was WAY too big and was under $20. We tried to take it back to get one that was the right size, but they didn't even have one that fit me. I know it's silly, because it's just stuff, but it really hurt my feelings because he bought it the day of and didn't think about what I would like at all. I don't want to tell him and hurt HIS feelings, either. Ugh.

Advice?

I had this happen. I want to say that you are being overly sensitive but i really think that the gift can speak volumes. Is he doing other things that make you question his commitment? Really think about it fairly. Peoples actions will speak much louder than their words.

If he is good in other dimensions of your relationships you may just want to get over it.

You might have put in thousands of hours of thought to his gift . . but well he probably doesn't care.

For many guys this just isn't an area they care a lot about.

In some ways, conventional romantic gifts exist so men don't have to put a lot of thought into eliciting the "awwwwww" effect. Jewelry, flowers, and cards require almost nothing except money and a minuscule amount of time. With the internet and credit cards its even easier.

I do agree that its indicative of a lack of understanding of romantic relationships, or maybe even just general lazy laziness or lack of energy.

Thats why I am saying you need to evaluate the rest of his actions. If he generally never goes the extra mile, or even worse doesn't understand that there is an extra mile, you have to ask yourself whether that is what you want.

In his defense, let's remember he's a guy. And guys, please don't take offense at that, I actually mean that in as positive a way as possible.

I am married to the most wonderful man, he is thoughtful (in his own, male, ways) and loves me very much, and has bought me some of the crappiest gifts under the sun. With love. Depending on the situation, I've just accepted it with a smile and an "oh, thank you, honey."

But there have been times where he really missed something big and, in the interests of our continuing to talk to each other, I sucked it up and approached him about it. And it turned out he needed me to tell him because he just didn't "get it". So the one time he just forgot to even get a card, he figured getting it late wouldn't have done any good, he thought he'd already totally blown it. I had to tell him that I operate on the "better late than never" scale. And one time when his gift was just so "out there" but he honestly thought I would like it, we had to talk about how I appreciate any time he thinks of me, but if he'd rather just ask before buying something rather than thinking he needs to surprise me, that would be better. And that made him more comfortable and I've gotten less crap.

So if you think this is a long-term relationship, I recommend you talk to him. You'll have to learn how to really talk to each other to make things work; if you can't tell him what you do and don't like, frankly, your relationship isn't going to make it anyway.

Maybe try to figure out WHY he got you the sweatshirt...

My husband got me an iron last year for Christmas. With 2 kids, I don't have time to iron, and I don't wear those kind of clothes - 98% of the time it's jeans/cords/no-iron slacks and a sweater or cotton blouse. The dryer suffices for my purposes. HOWEVER - since the year before, I had asked for a handheld, cordless vaccuum, and the year before that I asked for a set of knives, and the year before that it was caephlon pots and pans, an iron would be pretty logical in that sequence. And, even though I have yet to use it, I was pretty impressed by the thought process (even if he did go out on Christmas Eve and get it ;)).

Men do tend to be more gift-impaired. It might help to explain to him that a gift sends a message about how the giver feels about the receipient. So, a sweatshirt (just the name - yuck) doesn't say the kind of romantic things you would like an anniversary gift to say. I've written elsewhere about the man who bought a Waterford razor for his girlfriend one Valentine's Day - sending the message "Hey, honey, I think you are hairy!". The gift was returned, and the relationship ended. (!)
Context matters - most of the time, an electric appliance might not be a good idea, but if, like Alpha Frog, you had asked for one, it would indicate he was LISTENING to you. Is he friends with any of your friends? If so, he could ask them for help. But it may just be he isn't a good gift giver. My husband isn't - and it's just something I've learned to live with. If I really want something, I buy it and tell him to consider my gift taken care of!
Look at the overall guy - does his gift impairment indicate an overall lack of consideration, or is it just a minor flaw?

I find it most useful to give men a list of a few things ie:

For our anniversary/christmas/hannakuh/birthday...you get it

I want: Item A, Item B, or Item C

Then, he knows exactly what to look for, there is still a little bit of suspense involved and everyone leaves happy.

I know it's not as 'romantic' as most people like, but it works for me pretty well.

exactly....I ask my lady to give me an idea of what she wants...she may get them...she may not...and actually it doesn't hurt to be attentive when out shopping...if she lights up at something and doesn't get it...make a mental note. if she something in a slaes paper and doesn't get it....ditto.

Now if dude here forgot his one year anniversary and all he could do was think of a 20 buck oversized sweatshirt....eeeeehhhh..yeah....he would be in the doghouse...but I say talk to him..you may have a right to be angry but give him a chance to make it up and he better get it right....heheheh

AlphaFrog--

I understand so much here, but I have to say that was the sweetest story. He listened to you and got you what, in his mind, you wanted. That tells me he put some thought into the gift.
I have been married almost 15 years (ack!), and my husband didn't really start buying me gifts until about three years ago. His excuse? "Well, if you want something, you just go out and get it yourself!" I stopped getting things for myself (he was right - it was just easier that way), and now I give him a list of things I want/need. Do I get everything on the list? No, but I also get some things *not* on the list, so those things are sweet. He knows what I collect, so there are always a couple of those items under the tree and at other occasions.

But I do have to say - I have never received a $20 sweatshirt two sizes too big for me.

My guy takes gifts verrrrrry seriously so I wouldn't have to worry about this.

I wasn't a gift person but have learned that gifts are important to him and now they're important to me. We both put a lot of time and effort into our gifts to each other. I would feel disrespected if he bought me something crappy b/c it would make him an inconsiderate hypocrite. :) And that's never okay whether we're talking about gifts or something else.

I don't buy gifts for anyone besides my significant other so I don't care what those people give me. If I don't like it, I'll say "thanks" and give it away or something. My family and friends aren't gift exchanger types, anyway.

I think this is a good point to look at, along with AlphaFrog's story about the iron. My fiance (still can't get used to saying that word!) and I have been dating for over 7 years...I also put a LOT of thought into gifts. Last Christmas was our first year living together, and I was so excited for weeks about us doing each other's Christmas stockings. Christmas morning, his was overflowing. Mine had a box of Poptarts. My feelings were hurt at the time, until he pointed out the humor (still, to him only, ha) of my favorite breakfast being the gift. He actually went out and bought them especially for that. I'm likely never going to get a thoughtful or creative present for anniversaries or holidays...but I have a beautiful ring and perfect relationship, so that outweighs everything else to me in the long run. :)

In general, he's considerate. He doesn't give me any reason to doubt his feelings - in fact, the opposite. You guys had some good points. Thanks. :)

An ex boyfriend of mine once bought me a TV a few years back.

I was honestly turned off by that. It was essentially a gift for him when he came over to my apartment because I guess he felt my TV was inadequate or something. The TV he got me wasn't even a huge step up -- this was before TVs got cool with flat screens and HD.

for my bday, my ex started to drop hints, alluding to something being delivered to my house. flowers? candy? hmm, i was pretty excited by the seemingly romantic gesture behind it all.

i sign for the package... so flowers are out. shook the box, no noises. so a puppy is out (not that id really want one anyway...) i open it and its a "photography for dummies" book that he got off Amazon.

to him, it made sense - i was taking a photo class at the time. to me it totally put us back in friendzone. nothing about a used book from the internet scream, "hey, i dig you!"

ladies and gents, that was the beginning of the end. i mean chalk it up to lack of communication: should i have expressed that i wanted something more romantic? or was i wrong to assume that a delivery meant flowers or something? most importantly, perhaps he figured that ive always been a practical person so a practical gift made the most sense? hmm dunno.

This is going to sound crazy, but it depends on what your love language is. I have found that I tend to agree with that book and how people express their feelings for others.

For me, I like to give and receive gifts. I'm also not a good liar when I get a crappy present. For example, an ex of mine gave me a pen once. No joke! I had given him a list of things that I wanted, yet he had decided not to listen to me, not to go with things that he knows that I would like and get me a pen. I felt like I was stuck in Say Anything -- "I gave you my heart and you gave me a pen?" What in the world would make that seem like a good idea? I have no clue.