ok, so my grandfather told this joke the other night, and i was CRYING i was laughing so hard. will try to re-tell it without butchering it....i did think, though, of you kitso when he told it b/c of who he was making a reference about: mike price

ok, so a cat is walking along the railroad tracks when his tail gets stuck in the tracks. just as this happens, a train is quickly approaching....instead of just lying down and letting the train cut off the small trapped part of his tail, he frantically tries to free the whole thing. so, he ended up losing his head over a piece of tail.

ba-dum-CHHH!

it so may have been a had-to-be-there kinda thing, but i dunno....the fact my sweet old crazy grandfather used the phrase "piece of tail" just killed me......i died! :D

and two i heard earlier tonite....

Q: what's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: about 45 pounds

Q: what's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: about 45 minutes

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson
Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At
the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the
world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want in Heaven.

"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur
to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor
of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur,
"professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

And finally,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied
God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results. The computer
printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers,
more men are riding my invention than yours."

Q: Why doesn't Hitler drink whiskey?

A: Because it makes him mean.

I'm not quite sure i'm getting the punchline on that one...

This is terrible, but it's the first dirty joke I learned...

This couple is out on a date. At the end of the evening, the man drops the woman off at her apartment. She asks him in for some coffee, and of course the man accepts. After a few drinks, they started necking and fooling around. Pretty soon they're in the bedroom, nekkid and just having a blast. The man asks the woman to go down on him. She refuses. The man takes this in good stride, and they go back to the foreplay. A little while later, he asks the woman to go down on him again, and again she refuses. Well, he's having fun and so thinks nothing of it. They continue with their escapades, and later still he asks the woman to go down on him. Yet again she refuses. The man says, "But we're having a great time! Why not?" to which the woman replies, "Didn't you know? I'm allergic to nuts!"

Hahahahahaha. And now these two go together:

Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harrassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99/ minute.

After a long night of making love this guy rolls over
and was looking around when he noticed a framed
picture of another man on the night stand by the bed.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all." she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.


Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
surgery."

This is the first bad joke I ever learned....

An elderly man comes home from his doctors appointment with a plastic cup. He asks his wife if she knows what he is suppost to do with the cup. She doesn't know, but tells her husband she is going to nextdoor and ask Mildred. The husband protests, "Everytime you go over there, you two end up fighting." The women says "No we don't! I will be right back." And she leaves with the cup. A few minutes later she comes back, her shirt is torn and she is huffing and puffing. Her husband asks her "What happened?" The wife replies, "She told me to piss in the cup, and I told her to shit in her hat, and the war was on!!!"

Why do women have boobs?



So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.

okay....so no one posted my joke....so here goes nothing!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a mom and her daughter are walking through best buy one day, right past the tvs. there are two people having sex on tv and the little girl goes:

"mommy mommy! what are those people doing?"

to which her mom replies:

"they are just making cake. dont worry about it honey"
the little girl just nods understandingly and they move on. the next morning the little girl runs downstairs and into the kitchen and says:

"i saw you and daddy making cake on the couch last night. but dont worry mommy, it's okay. i liked the frosting off the couch!"

not the greatest joke, but good enough...

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a
handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor.
He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so the man on the 3rd
floor does sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at
his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a
handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down
his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so
angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is
wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"
The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm
coming."

i hope this one hasnt been told yet. i am too lazy to look.

there was a 92 year old lady who was incredibly depressed. she was very bored with life. she had done everything so there was nothing left to look forward to. she wanted to end it all. it was time for her to go. she figured that the quickest way to kill herself was a bullet through the heart. the problem was that she didnt know where exactly her heart was located. so she called her doctor. not tell him too much information about her call, she ask him about the location of her heart. he said that it is two inches below her left breast. knowing that, she shot herself in the knee cap.


:p

A joke that always pisses my dad off
 

Q.What's the difference between a black man and a pot hole?

A. You SWERVE to avoid the pothole.

K, so the following joke isn't really sick or twisted, but I never get forwards anymore, so here's my contribution :)

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served t he one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said... "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

okok.....heard this one told around the preacher at a wedding the other night:

Q: how are a blonde and spaghetti similar?

A: they both wiggle when you eat them

How do you kill the mentally handicapped?

Hand them a knife and ask them who's special.