I am still soo confused..... I know after all of these post from you all I should not be, but its a very hard thing to do. Of course I know what i do want....and I'm going for it, but what I dont want is to loose him over something that is not a big enough deal to break up about.....



He has been talking to a lot of people in frats and sororities, and they all are telling him that their relationship with there boyfriends/girlfriends has become more distant over time. It seems as if you dont have a boyfriend that is into frats, or at least interested in them, he wont understand your lifestyle, and ultimately (in most cases) the relationship wont work. True most of the time you think?

Look, if you're not going to listen after 7 pages of this, don't join a sorority and go crawl back to your boyfriend. Everyone is running in circles here trying to give you advice and you're just looking for ANY excuse to validate his opinion.

My boyfriend isn't in a fraternity, but he TRUSTS ME. It's not that difficult of a concept.

I was in a similar situation when I went through recruitment. My boyfriend went to another school and basically yelled at me or made me feel badly or guilty for wanting to join a sorority claiming that I wouldn't have time for him, I would cheat on him and that I would become a different person that he didn't think he could love...well guess what, after listening to this cr*p for a few weeks into my new member period I broke up with him. He didn't want me to try new things and he couldn't be supportive. I loved my new sisters and my organization and the school I went to and he wasn't going to make me feel bad for that. And my sorority supported me, let me be sad and grieve about the loss of a two year relationship, but also wouldn't allow me to wallow in my own sorrow.

Years later I realized how absolutely controlling he was. Not just about joining a sorority, but about what colleges he thought I should go to, what I should wear, and who I should socialize with (ie his friends were better than my friends).

Going through recruitment is your choice - not his. People here will give you the same advice over and over again. Make a decision, make a move, but be willing to deal with the fallout. And be yourself.

And just as a karma note -- I'm happily married, involved as an alum to my sorority and he is single, bald, and unemployed.

You all in here are soo right....its like I know what you all are telling me is true....but its hard to listen and accept it. He asked me last night did I think I can be happy without a sorority and he and I being in a relationship? I said yes.....but I can be even happier if you support me in my decision. Ultimately I am going to do it.....we can yoke it out right now, because he knows how I feel...and he has until next semester to either get with the program, or I will have to do what I have to do (reguardless). Its just sad that it has to be this way......but as one person said before.....I will have support...I wont be alone going through it.....

Why have you waited until your senior year to attempt to join?

Agreed!!

The chapter at my school has been suspended since I was a freshman. This is there 1st year being off.

HBCU?

Are their any members on campus at all?

Are you legacy?

Do you have the majority of your paperwork together, such as recommendations?

I am not a legacy, there are members on campus, but this year will be there last year....the last line came out my second semester in colege. I do have 2 letters of reccomendation.

Not HBCU

What I am getting at is that your boyfriend needs to be on board NOW, not later. God willing you will be working your ass off to get to know the women in the chapter -- assuming they will even be allowed a voice or vote in the selection process.

The work starts now, not later.

They all know me very well, and were quite close......so being known is not a problem. And your right.......if he wants to be in...he does....But I'v told him what I am going to do.....so whatever happens, happens

Stop worrying about him, he is worrying about himself enough for both of you. Ask yourself this, who is thinking about you in this relationship. If you spend all of your time worrying about him, considering his feelings, then there is something wrong in this relationship.

My feeling is that despite our advice, you are going to be with this man for a while longer. It seems that in these sorts of situations, there has to be a rock bottom, and you have not hit it yet.

Still, I urge you to read and reread Spinderella's post/cautionary tale. Try to benefit from the lessons that it has taken her 18 years to learn.

I know...You are soo right.

He WON'T. First of all, any man who feels the need to berate you in order to get his way is (excuse my French) a B*tch ass. He called you weak because that's what he WANTS you to be, and if you sacrifice what you want for him, you will end up regretting it for the rest of your life!

Little32, AMEN to everything you just said!!

My two cents:

If I were you, I'd get off Greek Chat and go figure out how to resolve this issue face to face with your boyfriend. If a girl I was rushing unloaded all of this on me, it would be HUGE red flags. I know sororities like the particular one you're pursuing is WAYYYYY too involved with other things, respectable, and strong to want to deal with all of this drama.

What are you going to do when he won't let you go to social functions? What about community work? How about having to maintain the secrets of the organization? Is he going to be able to handle you not being able to tell him ritual secrets? What if he doesn't like the sorority colors? What if he doesn't like your sisters? It seems petty but the way you're talking about him, I wouldn't put any of these things past him.

You said he thinks you'll "change" if you join a sorority. He's RIGHT. You'll most likely CHANGE into a stronger woman, a better leader, and a more involved member of the community. Maybe, juuuust maybe you'll gain some INDEPENDENCE.

You need to take a huge step back and figure out what's more important to you:

a) Some guy you've been dating 5 years controlling your life and never letting you accomplish anything, except maybe learning how to iron his clothes in record time.

or

b) A lifetime bond with a century old organization with the potential to turn you in to a strong, level-minded, goal oriented woman that will benefit you for the rest of your life.


So, what other excuses do you have?