So.. you want to be with someone who thinks you're weak?

Even was I was at my lowest point, struggling to even get a decent job, and having a hard time with a lot of different things in my life, my boyfriend constantly told me that I was an amazing person who WILL succeed. He always said that I was the best thing to happen to him, and that he was lucky to be with such a strong person.

And your bf is telling you that you're weak for no legitimate reason whatsoever?

Trust me... I've been in enough relationships to know the difference between a good one and a bad one, and this is a VERY bad one. I was with someone who was like that. I was with him in my senior year of high school and my freshmen year of college, and I wasted my first year in school being attached to him because he didn't want me to go anywhere else. When I told him about my desire to go to law school, he replied, "well that's stupid," and that was it for me.

It's not going to end. It really isn't. And you've spent 5 pages in this thread complaining about him. And now you're questioning whether you made the right decision? Read through all of your posts, and then ask yourself if that's who you truly want to be with.

I know that you've been with him for a long time and that you're "comfortable". Again, been there, done that. But when you get out of that relationship for good, and you find someone who makes you truly happy (even if it's just a good friend to go out with on Saturday nights), it is so incredibly liberating.

No, I just think you are too insecure to be alone.

The guy is a jerk. Face it.

This thread gives me tired-head. It is going nowhere because everyone is telling you the same thing, yet you seem to be waiting for someone to tell you what you want to hear.

Ain't gonna happen.

Why not try life as a single person for awhile? If you are still in college and have been with this guy for 5 years it could be very enlightening for you.

My decision has not changed......I will be pledging if the sorority gives me the opportunity......But he is loyal, and has never done me wrong... I hear a lot of people saying "If you back down on what you truly want to do just for him, lated he'll be demanding other things....." So what if he decides to get over it and stay?

I hate to be the one to say it... but if for some reason, he does get over it and stays, it will most likely be because he realizes that you are actually going to do this no matter what he does, and he knows he can't control that. He doesn't want to lose someone who allows him to be so controlling... So he'll try to control you in other ways. Because as you've said, this is how he is, and how he's always been.

He'll still be with you, and "support" your decision... but I guarantee he'll continue to make you feel bad about it, make you feel bad about not spending time with him (because you'll have to do things for the sorority), and he won't be thrilled about going to sorority events like formal. He'll probably make those experiences miserable for you. Because those things he CAN control.

Then the onus is on him to show that he's changed his ways. If someone really loves you and there is something that is important to you (whether it be sorority, church, family, friends, education, work, volunteer work, etc.), they will respect it even if they don't understand it. If someone truly loves you, they will not belittle something that is important to you and they will not make you choose between him and the something that's important to you. I don't know if you're religious, but if you are, imagine if he were asking you to choose between him and church. Would you put up with his shit then? You deserve someone who is going to treat you right...someone who (like what ASTalumna06 mentioned) is going to build you up not tear you down. If he changes and becomes a positive person in your life, then that's wonderful. But if he continues to be a negative person in your life, you don't need that. You deserve better, and you need to believe in yourself enough to know for yourself that you deserve better.

RareTreasure, what happens when other people tell you what to do? If your mother was saying the same things as your boyfriend, would you give in, or beg her for her support? I have a 20 year old daughter. She is very independent. If she believes in something, than nothing I say will sway her. As a young woman, you really need to learn to stand on your own two feet, believe in yourself and your ability to make good decisions for yourself, and then do it. This sounds like a confidence problem to me. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you know what is best for yourself. Believe in yourself and then kick him to the curb if he tries to belittle you for making your own decision. If he really loves you then he will support you, if he does not, then I would say that it is not real love. You are young, move on.

*snaps* to that

He is NOT loyal to YOUR BEST INTERESTS. He is doing you wrong everytime he controls you - doesn't support you - is more interested in his selfish needs than in building a true balanced relationship with you. He can't stay unless you let him. Run, don't walk, and whether you join the sorority or not, work on YOU instead of worrying about this loser.

Someone who loves you does not belittle you and call you names. They do not do not threaten to leave you just because you do something they dislike or don't agree with. They do not use emotional blackmail. They do not say "I should be enough for you." This guy may have never layed a hand on you, but he is an emotional abuser that could progress to physical.

You came here asking for advice. Obviously the advice you got was not what you wanted to hear because you've spent most of your time trying to explain his feelings and basically defending him. Is this the sort of person you really want to spend the rest of your life with? With someone who will try to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do?

I suggest you read through the following and see if there are any other warning signs. You've already covered 5, 6, 7 & 8, to some extent 2, 3 & 11.


From Dear Abby:

LIST OF WARNING SIGNS HELPS WOMAN RECOGNIZE ABUSER


1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."

I think the OP may be better served by paying a visit to her school's counseling center rather than getting guidance from strangers on a message board during this difficult situation. It is never easy to deal with someone with control issues like this, and a properly trained counselor can help you deal with it and also help you learn more signs of when you could potentially be in danger.

she'll be back when he leaves a hand print on her cheek for disobeying him.

What you want to hear: He will change and support your decision.

Are you happy now? Do you feel validated?

SMH. Are you truly ready to join a women's organization? You feel bad for a boy who dumped you because you didn't do what he wanted. You sound more like a little girl trying to please mommy and daddy than a woman on the path to sisterhood.

Go running back now and save us all the headache of 10 more pages of this BS.

And yes, I'm a bitch. Please drive through.

If it's Alpha Kappa Alpha she's pursuing (based on the fact that she went and posted her drama in their forum), I get the feeling the AKA members on her campus will catch on to her issues real quick.

Hon,
RUN...leave skidmarks

or this relationship is gonna end up being more abusive than it already is
take it from someone who grew up in an abusive household. When a partner tries to alienate you from family, friends and dreams you need to kick their sorry ass to the curb and not look back

RUN LIKE HELL FROM HIM

OTW--Interesting that one of the AKA's platforms is "mental/emotional health"... ;)

Interesting how my business has started... And now, I there are quite a few licensed professionals who might be willing to assist someone in a particular situation...

Moreover, if there are deeper issues going on, depending on your campus (i.e. if it is an HBCU vs. a PWI), then I would try make an appointment to your mental health counseling center overall, just because of this break-up...

If anyone needs clarification with what I said, please feel free to PM me... :)