sairose, I think you are reading a different thread than us. You are making a lot of assumptions and putting words in people's mouths.

I don't want to date people with certain problems, not because I look down on them or think they are abnormal. It's because I simply don't want to deal with it. I'm not up for the challenge (as I said in the blue vs. white collar thread). Like it or not, these problems can impact relationships.

I didn't mean to put words in others' mouths; I was trying to get my story out there. Maybe so others could have a better understanding.

But you must understand something, too. The reason why I and possibly others have been offended by this thread is this. I am already self conscious about having this, and it's always gone through my mind that the reason I don't date very often is because guys "don't want to deal with it", and this thread just kind of solidified those insecurities.

I have no doubt that everyone who posted here means well. But many have said they would not date someone with one of the "major" conditions...like bipolar disorder. I know that it makes me feel like, no matter how far I've come, no matter how well I am today, I still will have to deal with guys not wanting to "deal with it". And that hurts my feelings. I guess maybe you'd have to be in my shoes to understand. And although what I type isn't always what I think (isn't that true for everyone from time to time though?), I mean well. I *personally* don't understand not wanting to date someone with a condition that is well under control, though, because many of us are completely normal once on meds.

Either way, I didn't mean to offend. :(

I think this is one of those subject superficial reason why people don't date certain people.

Just some like some people refuse to date some one who is overweight or even a little bit chubby, while there are other who will only date extremely obese people. Other's will ownly date blondes, some will only date people with money. It's all superficial and it's all a matter of personal preference.

Is it right. No. Are they limiting potential stisfying relationships. Of course they are. I've been single for a loooooooooooooooong time and I know there are superficial reasons why people aren't interested in me. It's hurts like hell but I'm not going to be blind to the fact that some people base relationships on things that are considered superficial.

I tried dating someone with unmedicated severe depression. I was awful. Why? Because I also suffer from depression and everything he was going through I had gone through and was still going through it. But he didn't want to realize he had a problem and when I told him I didn't want to see him anymore he blamed me and all women for his problems. That's not someone I want to be with. That has all the makings of a co-dependent relationship.

Well a lot of this presupposes that the person knows in advance of meeting someone that they have a "condition". Generally if someone meets and starts seriously crushing on you, they are going to go forward regardless.

I think the lesson for people with a condition is more when they lay it on the table so to speak.

Its not something you want to bring up on the first date because the stereotype of it probably isn't you. So yo want to be judged based on your interactions with the other person. Not on their preconceived notion of what a person with such and such MUST be like.

Thats why I asked when you think this stuff should be brought up. I know some people will scream betrayal if you don't put your entire life story down on the table the first hour you meet them.

Good point, James!

Well, I don't think you should ever lay down your life story on the first date. Likewise, I'm not sure I would tell the guy I was bipolar then, but after a few dates, I think it's okay to talk about it. It's important not to go to far WITHOUT telling the other person though, because it's a big part of my life that the guy deserves to know.

no stigma
 

Scizophrenics aren't really that dangerous. Its less than 1% of them who have tried to hurt anything. The problem I would have with dating someone with scizophrenia, or any other severe abnormal psychological disorder would be the way they talk. For example " One time I collect and the martians went bowling on happy kitten football." I would have no idea what to say to that.

I'm still working on getting control over bipolar disorder. I have that and ADHD.

Re: no stigma
 

Makes two of us! (Except I have bipolar and GAD[generalized anxiety disorder]). My therapist has told me, though, that my bipolar will most likely not go away. Good news is, I respond 100% to medicine, so it's really not a problem. :)

Here is another angle to this question:

Is it responsible for people with uncontrolled problems to look for a relationship?

A lot of the quality of a relationship is determined by the people skills of the partners as well as . . . how they get along.

IF you have a condition that you are having problems geting a hold of, then you are likely to make your partner unhappy much more frequently than someone without those problems. I am generalizing of course.

So is it responsible for people with anxiety/depression disorders etc to want to date before they have absolutely mastered those conditions?

No, it's not, IMO. You have to take care of yourself before you should get involved with someone. It's irresonsable not to seek help for mental conditions in the first place, so it'd definately be a bad idea to date.

Re: Would you date someone with a "mental condition"?
 

I think every relationship i've had there was something mentally wrong with them. I don't know if it was clincially proven, but on some small scale, we're all crazy mofos.

I guess the question raised here is what constitutes "uncontrolled problems." I know people with severe, untreated depression or similar issues that have trouble in relationships because of it. But I also know people with intimacy issues, problems with control/power, rampant insecurity, or personality disorders (borderline, narcissistic), etc. -- and these people make their partners just as miserable as the ones in the above category even though they don't have a diagnosed "psychological problem."

So I think that EVERYONE should get their issues under control before they start seriously dating someone, whatever those issues might be. The thing about anxiety, depression or the like is that they are more easily identified than someone with control issues. A lot of people with control issues (or insecurity or intimacy issues or whatever) never realize that they have a problem. They're able to go through their relationships blaming their issues on other people. People with depression/anxiety are more likely to identify that they have a problem.

That said, busting out with "Hey I'm depressed and I cut myself and I tried to kill myself twice and I'm on three different anti-depressants" on the second date is never advised. ;)