You are reaaaaaaaaaally reaching.

Personally, no, I don't think that's okay. When you sign an MRABA (pref card, bid card, etc.), you are saying that you will ACCEPT a bid to any chapter listed. So if you get a bid and don't accept it, you are going back on your word. If you know you will refuse a bid, you shouldn't list a chapter. This brings up other issues with ISP'ing (suiciding) and whatnot. I think PNMs should have the right to do that if they want. But I am also for having PNMs give a chapter a chance with their new member period.

I don't think that anyone said it is wrong to have preferences. But some believe it is wrong to disrespect a chapter that has issued an invitation to you by not showing up. As others have mentioned, if you had gone back, you might have been preffed by your future BFF or big sis. Just because you hadn't already made a personal connection doesn't mean the potential isn't there. Had you already met and spent time with every single member?

No, that is part of the mutual selection process. You rank, and chapters rank. It has to work somehow, and this way works the very best. It is designed to try and create parity amongst the chapters on a campus and keep the already huge from getting bigger. If there is no semblance of parity, chapters will start to fail. Then PNMs are left with fewer options.

Perhaps, perhaps not. That girl will never know, because she's not in that chapter. I think many of the women on GC will attest to the fact that they could have very easily been a member of a different organization on their campus. In fact, I think there are even several threads about this.

But that is based on observations made during a couple nights of formal recruitment and what you may have heard from other people or briefly observed during fall semester as an outsider. You don't know for a fact whether or not you will fit if you don't give it a chance. It's like brussels sprouts. Other people might think they are nasty. And then when they are placed in front of you, you might think they look unappetizing and smell bad. But until you actually put one in your mouth and chew, you can't honestly say that you don't like brussels sprouts.

Yes, maybe. Nothing in life or recruitment is black and white. But they saw qualities in you that they were looking for in a new member. You can't say that even you know all of your talents right now. And I would venture to say that most sororities are diverse in their membership. Everyone has scholars, leaders, athletes, partiers, etc. So, yes, any girl who is interested in sorority membership will find a way to fit in with the chapter that finds her worthy of membership.

Again, you might not have had the appropriate time or situation to find that connection. They have found one. They are willing to take the chance on you and try to give you the opportunities to make connections through their new member program. I have seen new members bawling on Bid Day because they got their second choice, but then go on to become highly successful leaders of their sorority. Things work out. But it is a two way street - you have to give a little, too.

And perhaps they have lamented that fact and now want to get to know you better by inviting you to their sorority recruitment functions.

A bond with one or two is a lot more than some people have found in their first choice prior to Preference.

If recruitment was organized in a way such that all PNMs just got to join whoever they wanted, it would be terribly chaotic and uneven. This mutual selection process helps to manage chapter sizes and the Panhellenic system and provide opportunities for most PNMs to find a sorority. Bottom line here is that a chapter decided that you would be a good match to them. Perhaps they saw your leadership skills in an area that they are lacking.

Not necessarily speaking about you here swtlilsoni, but I am a little put off by PNMs who decline invitations to chapters that they deem to be beneath them. If you are so fantastic and have such an awesome leadership background, join this chapter and take a leadership role. If a PNM thinks she knows so much about a chapter and what's wrong with it, she should join and make it better. All chapters are recruiting future leaders.

This scenario isn't new. Every PNM is going to have favorites and there may be a chapter or 2 were they know they would not be happy at. Fair or not, right or wrong, their reasonings may be based on knowing numerous members, gossip, gut feelings, who knows.

I'm sure we all agree that it is not fair for a chapter to string along a PNM with party invitations knowing they will cut her before Pref. One of the primary reasons RFM was created was to cut/eliminate this. But the same thing applies to a PNM who strings a chapter along with no intention of accepting a Pref invite or bid. Don't accept their early round invitations just to have a full party schedule. It's not fair to that chapter who gave an uninterested PNM one of their limited number of invites/bids. It's not fair to the other PNMs who would have gladly accepted that invite/bid, but never got the chance.

It's fine to not accept a bid: It's when the person doesn't accept the bid and (1) they haven't given the sororities a chance and (2) they complain about why they haven't been given a bid.

I dropped out of formal my freshman year. I felt lost in the sea of goregeous blondes and wasn't even sure I wanted to be in a sorority. (I honestly didn't think it was right for me. I felt really uncomfortable with every chapter on campus.) So trust me, I'm not judging you for dropping out of formal and looking for alternate recruitment routes. It's what I did... but my reasons were quite different. I also (even as a naive freshman) never thought a chapter was beneath me. I never whined and complained about why I hadn't been offered a bid to a good group.

Nope: everyone does.... unless you were an idiot like me and had no idea going through recruitment what any of the letters even meant. ("Why the heck does this girl have three triangles on her sweatshirt?").

When I started doing COB, I had preferences. Everyone does. It's (once again) the total dismissal of a group that was offering you a chance to get to know them.

There are certain chapters you may never fit in: you'll never know if the one you ditched was one of them. Read through the recruitment threads and you'll find dozens upon dozens of women who's minds completely switched at pref party.

And for many more of us (including myself) it wasn't until halfway through the new member period that we knew we were home. It took until my pledge retreat to feel like I really fit in and until my sophomore year to feel 100% at home. Now, I couldn't leave my sisters for anything!

What I was saying is that:
* ladies from the chapter knew you going in from elsewhere
* You had attended several pre-recruitment events they hosted

And they still offered you an inivite to pref, meaning you would end up somewhere on the bid list. They had a pretty good idea of who you are and they know how the chapter works. I was saying there was a pretty good chance (better than normal) that they were right!

I'm not saying this was the case with you.... but sometimes girls pick sororities by the fact that they mix with the best fraternities, have cute colors, are the pretty ones, etc. That "connection" some of these girls feel is really just a desire to be an ABC. That's why recruitment is mutual.

Maybe you never had enough of a connection because you felt they were beneath you as you feel their chapter is.

How do you know you'd only have a bond with one or two people in your last choice? How do you know you wouldn't be like that in your first? You have not been in any of the groups in question: you do not know who you will or will not bond with.

1) There are 26 NPC sororities, ergo, there are 26 different membership selection procedures. There might be a sorority who penalizes you for meeting too many members. There might be a sorority who cares about nothing but grades and cuts everyone else. I have no clue. I (and everyone else on here) am only in one and therefore only privvy to the procedures of one.

2) You should have asked your Rho Chi or someone else for a ride to the pref party. There are lots of stories on here about how someone was "meh" about a sorority through rush and then loved them at pref. You missed that chance.

3) I like thinking about airports in Paris. :)

I'm a CDG fan myself, but ORLY is fun too. :p

To the OP:

I'm going to be really honest with you. I went through informal recruitment, and I only gave one group a shot. I really wish I wouldn't have done that. There were so many fantastic women in each group that I would have loved to have called my sister, and I only got the chance to meet them by becoming more active with and in the Panhellenic Council.

I almost didn't get a bid to my organization. In fact, I don't even know why they bid me in the end, because even I would have probably cut me. I'd like to say I would have been devastated, and confused, but I don't think that's true. I just wasn't that in to being greek at the time. Fortunately I came around while I was a new member, but that doesn't happen for everyone.

If you aren't pinning all your hopes and dreams on being a member of a sorority, then by all means, cut them, blow them off, don't go when you're invited. If you really want to be a member of a sorority, at least go to the sorority that invited you to their preference. That's the closest you're going to get to actually being a member during the recruitment process, it's like trying on an outfit. THEN decide if they're not for you. That's why you rank after preference rounds, and that's why you sign a preference card. If you still thought you wouldn't have liked to have been in that chapter, don't fill out the preference card, just sign a blank one.

This is more for the benefit of other PNMs reading the thread than for the OP, but...no selection process in life is completely fair. College admissions and job interviewing are a long way from being completely fair. Legacy policies are quite unfair to unconnected applicants, but they persist because they carry other advantages for the institution. Sometimes people get cut unfairly because the people making the selection are jealous or bitter. It's not fair that good-looking people have a leg up in life compared to ugly people. But it happens.

Groups have a right to use any process they want to choose members, whether it's fair or not. But I think we'd serve all young people better if we don't pretend that things are fair when they are not. Groups STRIVE to be as fair as POSSIBLE. Some come closer than others. But sometimes people get cut from a process and it's not fair at all.

My dad and I went to Paris for Spring Break last year. He said it was a graduation present. When we got there I realized that he took me because he wanted to go but didn't want to learn any of the language, so he figured his kid had a degree in foreign languages, she could be a translator. Probably the most exhausting vacation of my life (although yes, we did have a great time!).

He also used me as his personal tour guide because I had been to Paris before.

While we were setting up ticket reservations, I made sure we were dealing with Charles de Gaulle. Because every time I think of Orly, I think:

http://tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:...aden/orly.jpeg

Agreed.

This entire thread is a great example of people thinking they are reading what someone is posting, but instead they are reading things into it.

This PNM never said the group she chose not to pref was beneath her. She said she knew she would not accept a bid. Last I knew that wasn't a crime and in fact we tell people all the time to not accept an invite to pref if they know they won't accept it because they are potentially taking the spot of someone who might really want to be there.

People jumped to conclusions that she somehow felt she was superior. She never said that she would only join a top chapter. People are reading things into her comments.

I also don't think she ever complained about not getting a bid. She made comments that she was trying to sort out what happened with people who might have more insight than she has. Just because dozens of rude PNMs have asked these questions before and annoyed people here doesn't mean that she is another one of them.

And, no, I am not reaching in my comment about perhaps she is a Christian and didn't want to pref a historically Jewish sorority. I'm sure this happens quite often going both ways.

You were perfectly within your rights to decide the group wasn't for you. It's called "mutual selection" and you, as a pnm, decided to drop.

The other houses decided, for whatever reason, which are all confidential so you will never know, that they would not invite you for pref.

Nowhere in your posts did you say that you felt you were "better" than the house that you dropped, nor did you say that they were "beneath" you. That has been inferred by other posters and repeated as if you had originally posted either disparaging thing.
I wish you well in the future. Perhaps COB will work out, perhaps not.

BTW - jwright, after trying brussel sprouts once in my life many years ago, I can unequivocally say - I don't like brussel sprouts. I will not be bullied into liking them, nor made to feel bad about my decision to not want to eat them.

Wow, we cross posted trideltasallie - my thinking exactly!

I think more people have a problem with her not going to the pref that she was invited to because at pref most PNMs get the truest sense of what it means to be in that chapter.

Preference ceremonies are ritual for a reason.

Oh please. Whenever a PMN comes here complaining about being cut from all chapters except one or two, it's never because they weren't cut from the "top tier/beautiful model/rocket scientist/fraternity favorite/insert your tent talk hyperbole here." It's always because they "don't click/fit in" with the "struggling/smallest/fatty/ugly/lamest/insert your tent talk smash and bash here." They don't want to be one of those.

It's like a secret code that few here want to admit. And it's the reason why struggling chapters continue into a death spiral in spite of RFM.

Part of me wishes silence was between PNMs, too. More damage is done to a chapter by tent talk than a sister saying hello to a PNM when she's not supposed to.

No...actually, GCers recommend that PNMs attend ALL prefs that they can but only sign a bid card if they are willing to accept a bid. Accepting an invite to pref will in no way take a spot away from someone who might truly want it. Going to a pref party will only give the PNM and the chapter one last chance to find a connection. Though I agree that the OP did not say she was better than the chapter that invited her to pref, but I also agree that she made a hasty decision to decline the pref invitation. In the end, she only hurt herself.