yeah...anyway:rolleyes:

A man is looking for a woman to marry and he's determined she has to be sexually inexperienced. So on the third date with any one he whips out his stuff and says "Do you know what this is?" Invariably she says "A penis." Therefore he thinks that she's seen one before and can't be "sexually inexperienced." One date however, he administers his test and the woman said "Yeah, a pee-pee!!" He decides he'll marry her.
On their honeymoon he undresses and says "Do you know what this is?" She says "A pee-pee." He said "No dear, it's a penis." She replies "Like hell! A penis is 11 inches long"

Not to start another GC smackdown on this thread swissmiss :D, but i think that someone beat ya to that joke :p

Kitso
KS 361 times there are jokes on here that i wouldn't repeat for fear of lightning

Why do fat chicks give good head?
Because they have to.

Aww man...::looks for lightning:: Ok here's another one (sorry guys)

A couple is at an art gallery and they see a picture with three naked black men sitting on a park bench. The guy in the middle has pink genitals. They find this quite disturbing and sit there for a while pondering it. The artist comes over and asks if they have any questions. They ask if the pink genitals have any sort of racial symbolism and why the other two black men have genitals of their own color. The artist says "Oh...those men aren't black! They're Irish coal miners and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Ok I'll submit another one in penance for my repetition of a joke...

Q: A redneck, a black guy, and two mexicans are in a car. Who's driving?

A: The cops

Okay...

Q:How do you make a woman scream twice?
A: Screw her in the ass, then wipe your cock on the curtains.


Q: How do you get little black kids to stop jumping on the bed?
A: put velcro on the ceiling

Q: How do you get them down?
A: Tell the little Mexican kids that they're pinatas.



...I'm going to hell, and those weren't even the worst ones I know.

Tarzan and Jane were in Tarzan's treehouse one day. Jane said "Tarzan, have you ever had sex before?"
Tarzan replies: "There." and points to a hole in the tree.
Jane says "no Tarzan, not like that." and proceeds to remove her clothes. "Now Tarzan, let's have sex."
Tarzan looks at Jane and then gives her a swift kick in the crotch. Jane screams and cries out "Why did you do that?"
Tarzan looks confused and replies "Before sex Tarzan always check for bugs."

It's ok swissmiss, I forgive you :D

i know i have a fucked up sense of humor, but i can't be the only one out there. if i offended you, i am truly sorry, but this is PUT YOUR OFFENSIVE OR SICK JOKE HERE (NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED). dont want to step on any more toes, so i wont put any more baby or pedophile jokes on here




let's get started (this is more of a mental picture joke)

how do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?



pick him up and suck his dick

a man's wife was in a terrible accident that put her in a coma. while his wife was laying on the hospital bed, the nurse gave her a sponge bath. one of the nurses noticed that when she would put the sponge near her private area, the vitals would pick up a little bit. this gave the nurse an idea. she told the husband, 'i think if you perform oral sex on her, it may wake her up. so the nurses left the husband to have privacy with his wife.
suddenly the nurses heard the monitors flatline. they ran in the room to find the husband zipping up his pants. he looked up and said ' i think i choked her.'

:p

DRINK!!!
 

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chasecars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "arecipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelieve this shi.t..."


My, my, how times have changed.
Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Okay, so what's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

yikes!:eek: :eek:

i admit that last joke rubbed me the wrong way. i think this thread is hysterical. it is just hard to swallow when its a joke about your personal religious or spiritual beliefs. however, i am a big girl. i can take it. i am feeling okay. ;)