Is your daughter close friends with all the girls on her hall? No? She has been living in her dorm a lot longer than she has been in her sorority.

My point is making friends in the dorm or sorority takes time. If, after she has taken ALL her lunches and dinners there, attended ALL meetings and sorority events for several weeks, she feels there is no inkling of friendship, she can de-pledge before initiation.

I think it's not just the everyone gets a trophy culture, it's that their lives have been so much more regimented than in previous generations, even in what is supposed to be recreational time.

I mean...I never had "play dates." I went and knocked on my friend's door, or we all just ended up outside. The closest I got to "organized sports" was when our 4th grade class decided to pick kickball teams at the beginning of the year and keep them for the rest of the year. And that was our idea, not the teacher's. From what I get now, random pickup games of any sort are rare as hen's teeth. Combine all that with years of NCLB standardized testing and it's no wonder that young adults just think "I did this, so I should get that." It doesn't occur that friendship is a different story.

Excellent point and I agree. Add in helicopter parents and it gets worse.

It's being called "Adjustment Disorder" in college counseling centers. Some kids are having a tough time in the real world on their own.

I agree. My mother NEVER would have posted on Greek Chat for/about me, nor would she have posted something basically shaming the "system" for not treating me right. Not just picking on the OP but we've had a couple of threads this season with the common theme of "my daughter didn't get into the 'right' house and doesn't feel an instant connection, therefore the system is broken and must be fixed."

Sororities are the ultimate team environment - it's never about "me", it's about "we". The women must work together to achieve their goals, whether it's a higher GPA or a more robust social calendar or being more visible on campus. It doesn't function when a bunch of prime donnas are upset they aren't being fawned over. Roll up your sleeves, young ladies, and get to work.

I was unsure of my decision on Bid Day. I got my #1 pref but I still vividly remember a girl in my pledge class crying hysterically because she thought she was going to a different sorority (she later became a VP in our chapter, fwiw!). I felt like I didn't really have a solid friend group in my chapter until I moved into the house my sophomore year and I certainly didn't feel like I had bff's 1 week into my pledge period....but good Lord I didn't tell my mom about any of that stuff!! (Especially since they paid my dues!!) I knew I had to find my own path, the same advice my mom gave me in high school..."if you want a friend, you first have to be a friend."

There's an awful lot of (wrong) assumptions being made about me and my daughter on this thread. This is not the stereotypical situation with someone wishing they were in a top tier sorority. More like fish-out-of-water who actually wanted a sorority many snub their noses at.

I don't believe everyone needs to accept a system where girls are meant to feel so bad after going through rush that they feel their only option is to drop out of school. Or where only those that can afford the most expensive houses on campus should be allowed to rush. Or even where it's become common not to actually like the sorority you get a bid from. It's not like this at my alma mater or the university my alumni group is affiliated with and I don't understand why it's accepted at other universities.

This thing is--you can't just walk into your sorority/sororities of choice. A university where I used to teach decided to implement that one year for their 3 (then) locals. It was disastrous. Some pretty awful kids barged into some nice groups. Do you know how much damage even 1 overdramatic member can do?

There is no way that a recruitment will ever be conducted in which a PNM can declare, "OK, I will only accept these 5 out of the 14 groups," and 1 of them must agree to give her a bid.

Parents and PNMs need to understand that FSL groups, while we do consult closely with the school, we are private organizations, we are available to whom we choose to be available to. If a student does not get a bid, we suffer zero heartburn because we got who we wanted. For so long as the FSL groups control their own recruitment, they are going to design programs to get the members they want. Not the other way around.

On a competitive campus, if you don't have the looks, the smarts, the charm and the recs, you don't stand a chance.

And FSL groups are fine with that.

Why RFM? Because this system gives the most girls possible a way to get a bid, even if that means girls don't get their preferred house. You want to see pain? That's what I witnessed during rush before RFM. My roommate got "the call" from the rush counselor and told that she would not be getting a bid.

Thanks to RFM, at least your daughter got a bid. Many a girl pre-RFM would have given their right arm to have gotten a bid to any house. The system isn't perfect, but it's set up to benefit the most girls possible. Imagine if your daughter had rushed pre-RFM and gotten no bid at all?

I'm honestly confused because you don't like the RFM system, yet the other way meant girls didn't get bids at all...so what system do you want?

If girls aren't willing or able to accept the harsh reality of a tough rush and the high costs at schools like Ole Miss and Bama, then they might be better at a school with a less competitive system, where sororities are housed in a dorm, so the cost is lower and it's easier to get the house you want. They are far more price-friendly, just like some colleges are.

OP, I really hope your daughter will give it some more time. The system isn't perfect. We all know that. Your daughter got into a sorority at a school where most young women would kill to get a bid. Have her make the most of it. You can't get a feel for it in just a week. There have to be some girls she gets along with. Instead of blaming the system, why not help her try to see the positives? And if after a month or so, if she doesn't like it, then re-evaluate. I don't think she has to make any rash decisions now. But we all know recruitment isn't perfect and people don't always get their first choices. I didn't. I cried on bid day. I hated it the first month. Now I'm the one who organizes pledge class reunions.

Have her give it a chance.

Am I the only one who's confused by the OP?

Initially the statement was that the daughter got a sorority she didn't want. Now, it's a "fish out of water" (huh?) who wanted a sorority at which others turned up their noses (paraphrasing for the sake of brevity). Then, when I let that sit and work all the way through, I go back to my original premise. And I'm still confused.

So, which one is it? Really having trouble figuring it out, or getting to the bottom of this. Am I just being too logical again, Captain Kirk? Sigh.

No, I am too. Does she want us to band together to change rush at Ole Miss? Create a system in which all girls get the group they want? I'm not sure which is more improbable.

It makes no sense since the sororities inspiring nose upturn would be the ones with higher quotas, and if one listed them first, one would most likely get a bid from them.

Nope.

I'm still reading the first post and wondering why a woman accepted a bid to the sorority she couldn't afford. Had she not signed the MRABA, she'd be available.

That one I actually do understand. No surprise... some sororities cost more than others. Maybe they have more activities, more expensive or elaborate activities.It is definitely more expensive to keep up some of the multi million dollar houses that the sororities have at Ole Miss.

Specific dollar figures are not published for a variety of reasons. Parents and PNMs look at the ranges of costs and think that they will miraculously end up in the lower end of the fee scale... and then bitch if they end up in less than a "top tier" chapter. They want a "top tier" experience, but not the price tag that comes with it.

I've never read a truer statement. I WAS that PNM who thought she'd waltz into recruitment and automatically click with the "top" chapter at my university. When I didn't end up at that chapter after a few rounds, I found a new favorite, and luckily ended up with a bid to that group. I love my sisters and my organization with my whole heart, but it has never been effortless. For the past four years I've made the choice to join committees and chair positions, participate in extra activities, and spend time at the house talking with girls I don't know too well because YOU GET OUT OF IT WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT. I was that girl who thought joining a sorority would make everything in my life perfect, but if these past four years have taught me anything, it's that my sorority will still be there for me when I need them, because I have been there for them, even if sometimes that's just showing up.