Agreed to all of the above. We have man visiting hours for every floor. Any floor that has girl's rooms ends at around 5 or 6 so they can get ready for bed/to go out etc. If you need to study you have till midnight and can use the formal room or dining room. During the day you still need to announce that there is a guy on the floor.
The roommate sleeping situation isn't something we have to worry about since we all sleep on a sleeping porch, but we have outside rooms. Most girls study in them and also have futons or couches inside to make it cozy. I would kill my roommate if I was sexiled from my room. My boyfriend is from out of town and I wouldn't do/have not done that.

Whether or not the OP's daughter felt the no-shacking rule was silly/ridiculous/overly restrictive/etc., she knew that there was a no-shacking rule in place. She chose to live in the sorority house, and by doing so, she chose to abide by certain rules, including no overnight male guests (or no men above the first floor or whatever the specific rule was). She chose to break that rule, and now she has to accept the consequences.

As for the OP, you need to cut the apron strings. Your daughter is an adult. That means she gets to make her own decisions, make her own mistakes, and accept the consequences of those mistakes.

If you're crying because of something your COLLEGE AGE, ADULT daughter did (absent killing someone or something really big like that), you have a problem. That is not normal. Stop pulling out the bs line that people will understand someday when they have kids.

LOL. Yep, I can tell we're in the same age bracket

This I completely agree with.

This, not so much. :rolleyes:

(And for the record, kiteflyersmom, not only am I old enough to have kids of my own, I actually do have kids of my own.)

For whatever it's worth, I think it's normal to still be emotionally invested in the mistakes of your adult offspring enough to cry when they do something stupid. But it's not normal to try to fix everything that they break. The OP's daughter owns this one, and that's that. The mom shouldn't seek to do any research or do anything at all.

As far as the housing stuff, I think it's perfectly fine and actually desirable to have the standards for in-house behavior be more conservative than those of college kids generally.

I don't think any of us [ I mean collectively when we are associated with our groups] are striving merely for behavior on the loose end of normal or typical. Shacking even when you have a [sharing the same room] roommate is pretty common, I think, but it's common in more than one sense of the word.

Rude Roommate
 

Two words...Ted Bundy!!!! Who knows what the guy was like? The offending roommate had no right to bring a man into a room that she did not live in alone, especially when she knew that was not acceptable behavior for a member of the sorority. I have a feeling that may not have been the first time and maybe the defending roommate had just had enough! Can you imagine having to listen to that while you are trying to sleep? Ugh!

My kids are in their 30's and I still feel the need to rush in and solve all their problems but I restrain myself and let them make their mistakes. So far, they have not disappointed. I guess I taught them well (patting myself on the back!).

Paula M.
Sigma Delta Tau
Patrae Multi Spes Una
One Hope of Many People

I love this response!

Shacking up with a boyfriend when you have a female roommate is just plain rude. It's her room, too. If a girl needs to engage in this type of behavior, then she needs to get her own bedroom. Period!

My first dorm roommate in college pulled this on me. She was also a drug abuser. I used to look longingly at the other girls, and the nice girls that they were rooming with, and wonder what I had done to deserve this hell. It all comes down to thoughtfulness. When you are rooming with others, you have to make very sure that you are being considerate. JMO

Girls, keep your private life just that...private.

I know I shouldn't pick a nit, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Ted Bundy broke into the Chi Omega house through a back door; he wasn't a guest of a sister. Your point remains, and I agree, that you have to think about the safety of others in group living situations.

I HIGHLY suspect something else is going on here. We had the no men after a certain hour rule too, but it was broken quite frequently that I recall and no one ever got in trouble for it. Now if alcohol was found in your room, that would be a MUCH different story all together.

A couple of things:

1. Since mom knows what a legacy is it leads me to believe that she is either a sorority member or familiar with the system....so this whole question than makes no sense!!!

2. Having a roommate shack up in your room, is not a pleasant experience, nor is walking in on them....I had a roommate who one semester decided she was bi-sexual...that was interesting...Thankfully, I graduated a few weeks later.

3. As everyone else has said, there is NO WAY this is a first offense....

4. I agree with the Ted Bundy comments. Regardless of being a guest or not, I think it proves that you have to be careful in this day and age...
Just a note: One of my aunts was a sorority member and lived on campus during the time of Ted Bundy. It still upsets her to talk about it...

All I know is that if this happened to me (which it wouldn't because shacking in your room is against the rules and incredibly rude to both your roommate and other sisters), having my membership revoked would be the last thing on my mother's mind!

And yeah, I agree with everyone else that there were probably other things happening that heli-mom doesn't know about.

As usual, I agree with Jess on all of the above.

Back when I was a collegian we had the no men above the first floor rule and I liked it. Now, having served on House Corporation, I understand it from a risk-management point of view and I appreciate it even more.

Last time I checked (about 5 years ago) all 26 NPCs were covered by the same insurance company (MJ Insurance) and they lay down the law. Just like alcohol, no men upstairs/in bedrooms is a risk management issue and should be outlined in the housing contract. Basically it boils down to grounds for eviction. Add that to those sororities that have a no men upstairs rule of their own and you have both a housing issue and a standards issue. It would probably take more than one infraction to lead to pulling a pin but you certainly don't want to piss off your roommate, CAB, and House Corp all at once!

I know first hand that allowing a roommate to have a boy spend the night can lead to disaster.

At the start of my sophomore year, I was in temporary housing because of the growing number of incoming freshmen year after year. The second semester of that year, I was looking for somewhere to live. My friend's roommate was moving out, so I lived with her. She had complained about her last roommate, and my friends and I spent many nights with her, sitting in the lobby of our dorm, keeping her company until the roommate and her bf stopped having sex. One night, we were sitting in the lobby talking, and she went up to bed at 2:30am. Her roommate had decided that that would be the perfect time to get it on with her boyfriend! So needless to say, she had many complaints on many occasions.

Then I moved in. She started going out with one of our mutal guy friends. And basically, she turned into her old roommate. It started out with, "Can 'John' stay over tonight?" and it quickly turned into me having to stay up in the lobby until 2am. I'd talk to her about it, but nothing changed. It eventually got to the point where I didn't care anymore. They could be in the middle of it, and I'd just walk into the room and get ready for bed, forcing them to stop. I got really good at pretending as if nothing was even going on. Until the one time when they didn't stop. From then on, I'd get clothes, and go stay with one of my friends for the night.

She even went so far as to tell some of my friends that I was being unreasonable, and she complained that I'd walk into the room while they were doing it. Of course, she'd fail to mention that this happened all the time, and it was at ridiculous times during the day and night.

I'm guessing your daughter isn't telling you everything. And another question... is she really upset about it? It seems as if you're distraught over the whole thing, but you haven't said how she feels. Not that you have to go into detail about it, but if you're more upset about it than she is, maybe you should just move on and accept it.

love this :) I'm going to have to remember that line!!

There are all different kinds of houses just as there are different kinds of chapters. Some are small made over family houses. Some are more like dormitories. Some are suites in apartment buildings. Everyone talking about a "no boys above the first floor" rule needs to realize that there are sorority houses that are nothing like that. If you live in a house that holds 10, it's a lot different than a house that holds 60.

That being said, no matter WHAT the type of house, I have a hard time believing that one shacking incident alone would lead to termination. Mom isn't getting the full story here.