RareTreasure, what happens when other people tell you what to do? If your mother was saying the same things as your boyfriend, would you give in, or beg her for her support? I have a 20 year old daughter. She is very independent. If she believes in something, than nothing I say will sway her. As a young woman, you really need to learn to stand on your own two feet, believe in yourself and your ability to make good decisions for yourself, and then do it. This sounds like a confidence problem to me. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you know what is best for yourself. Believe in yourself and then kick him to the curb if he tries to belittle you for making your own decision. If he really loves you then he will support you, if he does not, then I would say that it is not real love. You are young, move on.

*snaps* to that

He is NOT loyal to YOUR BEST INTERESTS. He is doing you wrong everytime he controls you - doesn't support you - is more interested in his selfish needs than in building a true balanced relationship with you. He can't stay unless you let him. Run, don't walk, and whether you join the sorority or not, work on YOU instead of worrying about this loser.

Someone who loves you does not belittle you and call you names. They do not do not threaten to leave you just because you do something they dislike or don't agree with. They do not use emotional blackmail. They do not say "I should be enough for you." This guy may have never layed a hand on you, but he is an emotional abuser that could progress to physical.

You came here asking for advice. Obviously the advice you got was not what you wanted to hear because you've spent most of your time trying to explain his feelings and basically defending him. Is this the sort of person you really want to spend the rest of your life with? With someone who will try to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to do?

I suggest you read through the following and see if there are any other warning signs. You've already covered 5, 6, 7 & 8, to some extent 2, 3 & 11.


From Dear Abby:

LIST OF WARNING SIGNS HELPS WOMAN RECOGNIZE ABUSER


1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."

I think the OP may be better served by paying a visit to her school's counseling center rather than getting guidance from strangers on a message board during this difficult situation. It is never easy to deal with someone with control issues like this, and a properly trained counselor can help you deal with it and also help you learn more signs of when you could potentially be in danger.

she'll be back when he leaves a hand print on her cheek for disobeying him.

What you want to hear: He will change and support your decision.

Are you happy now? Do you feel validated?

SMH. Are you truly ready to join a women's organization? You feel bad for a boy who dumped you because you didn't do what he wanted. You sound more like a little girl trying to please mommy and daddy than a woman on the path to sisterhood.

Go running back now and save us all the headache of 10 more pages of this BS.

And yes, I'm a bitch. Please drive through.

If it's Alpha Kappa Alpha she's pursuing (based on the fact that she went and posted her drama in their forum), I get the feeling the AKA members on her campus will catch on to her issues real quick.

Hon,
RUN...leave skidmarks

or this relationship is gonna end up being more abusive than it already is
take it from someone who grew up in an abusive household. When a partner tries to alienate you from family, friends and dreams you need to kick their sorry ass to the curb and not look back

RUN LIKE HELL FROM HIM

OTW--Interesting that one of the AKA's platforms is "mental/emotional health"... ;)

Interesting how my business has started... And now, I there are quite a few licensed professionals who might be willing to assist someone in a particular situation...

Moreover, if there are deeper issues going on, depending on your campus (i.e. if it is an HBCU vs. a PWI), then I would try make an appointment to your mental health counseling center overall, just because of this break-up...

If anyone needs clarification with what I said, please feel free to PM me... :)

I am still soo confused..... I know after all of these post from you all I should not be, but its a very hard thing to do. Of course I know what i do want....and I'm going for it, but what I dont want is to loose him over something that is not a big enough deal to break up about.....



He has been talking to a lot of people in frats and sororities, and they all are telling him that their relationship with there boyfriends/girlfriends has become more distant over time. It seems as if you dont have a boyfriend that is into frats, or at least interested in them, he wont understand your lifestyle, and ultimately (in most cases) the relationship wont work. True most of the time you think?

Look, if you're not going to listen after 7 pages of this, don't join a sorority and go crawl back to your boyfriend. Everyone is running in circles here trying to give you advice and you're just looking for ANY excuse to validate his opinion.

My boyfriend isn't in a fraternity, but he TRUSTS ME. It's not that difficult of a concept.

I was in a similar situation when I went through recruitment. My boyfriend went to another school and basically yelled at me or made me feel badly or guilty for wanting to join a sorority claiming that I wouldn't have time for him, I would cheat on him and that I would become a different person that he didn't think he could love...well guess what, after listening to this cr*p for a few weeks into my new member period I broke up with him. He didn't want me to try new things and he couldn't be supportive. I loved my new sisters and my organization and the school I went to and he wasn't going to make me feel bad for that. And my sorority supported me, let me be sad and grieve about the loss of a two year relationship, but also wouldn't allow me to wallow in my own sorrow.

Years later I realized how absolutely controlling he was. Not just about joining a sorority, but about what colleges he thought I should go to, what I should wear, and who I should socialize with (ie his friends were better than my friends).

Going through recruitment is your choice - not his. People here will give you the same advice over and over again. Make a decision, make a move, but be willing to deal with the fallout. And be yourself.

And just as a karma note -- I'm happily married, involved as an alum to my sorority and he is single, bald, and unemployed.

You all in here are soo right....its like I know what you all are telling me is true....but its hard to listen and accept it. He asked me last night did I think I can be happy without a sorority and he and I being in a relationship? I said yes.....but I can be even happier if you support me in my decision. Ultimately I am going to do it.....we can yoke it out right now, because he knows how I feel...and he has until next semester to either get with the program, or I will have to do what I have to do (reguardless). Its just sad that it has to be this way......but as one person said before.....I will have support...I wont be alone going through it.....

Why have you waited until your senior year to attempt to join?

Agreed!!

The chapter at my school has been suspended since I was a freshman. This is there 1st year being off.

HBCU?

Are their any members on campus at all?

Are you legacy?

Do you have the majority of your paperwork together, such as recommendations?

I am not a legacy, there are members on campus, but this year will be there last year....the last line came out my second semester in colege. I do have 2 letters of reccomendation.

Not HBCU

What I am getting at is that your boyfriend needs to be on board NOW, not later. God willing you will be working your ass off to get to know the women in the chapter -- assuming they will even be allowed a voice or vote in the selection process.

The work starts now, not later.

They all know me very well, and were quite close......so being known is not a problem. And your right.......if he wants to be in...he does....But I'v told him what I am going to do.....so whatever happens, happens

Stop worrying about him, he is worrying about himself enough for both of you. Ask yourself this, who is thinking about you in this relationship. If you spend all of your time worrying about him, considering his feelings, then there is something wrong in this relationship.

My feeling is that despite our advice, you are going to be with this man for a while longer. It seems that in these sorts of situations, there has to be a rock bottom, and you have not hit it yet.

Still, I urge you to read and reread Spinderella's post/cautionary tale. Try to benefit from the lessons that it has taken her 18 years to learn.

I know...You are soo right.

He WON'T. First of all, any man who feels the need to berate you in order to get his way is (excuse my French) a B*tch ass. He called you weak because that's what he WANTS you to be, and if you sacrifice what you want for him, you will end up regretting it for the rest of your life!

Little32, AMEN to everything you just said!!

My two cents:

If I were you, I'd get off Greek Chat and go figure out how to resolve this issue face to face with your boyfriend. If a girl I was rushing unloaded all of this on me, it would be HUGE red flags. I know sororities like the particular one you're pursuing is WAYYYYY too involved with other things, respectable, and strong to want to deal with all of this drama.

What are you going to do when he won't let you go to social functions? What about community work? How about having to maintain the secrets of the organization? Is he going to be able to handle you not being able to tell him ritual secrets? What if he doesn't like the sorority colors? What if he doesn't like your sisters? It seems petty but the way you're talking about him, I wouldn't put any of these things past him.

You said he thinks you'll "change" if you join a sorority. He's RIGHT. You'll most likely CHANGE into a stronger woman, a better leader, and a more involved member of the community. Maybe, juuuust maybe you'll gain some INDEPENDENCE.

You need to take a huge step back and figure out what's more important to you:

a) Some guy you've been dating 5 years controlling your life and never letting you accomplish anything, except maybe learning how to iron his clothes in record time.

or

b) A lifetime bond with a century old organization with the potential to turn you in to a strong, level-minded, goal oriented woman that will benefit you for the rest of your life.


So, what other excuses do you have?

He IS going to undermine your chances, by the way.

Why do you say that?

So he can be proven right. He's already affecting your chances by distracting you.

SOOO TRUE!!!!!

what better way to hurt you like you "hurt" him than to completely screw your chances of getting on board with the sorority...and word spreads fast. if you have a crazy man clinging to you, nobody is going to want you in their org. its too much drama!

and who in a sorority/fraternity is telling him you wont be able to spend time with him? that is a crock of sh*t if you ask me...

HE IS IN YOUR HEAD... the worst place of all for him to be...clear your mind fast...

I'm starting to wonder if the OP is even for real. It seems like she's getting off on coming back here and talking about him and making excuses for him. Notice which posts she responds to and which she ignores. If this is for real, get your ass off the internet and deal with it or see a counselor or something.

Hmmmm....I wondered that too.

Though her behavior might just be indicative of why she has stayed with him for so long.

Interesting. I did not know that! You learn something new on GC every day.

I wondered that too. She's quite the selective one when it comes to replies.

well the true test will be if she posts in response to the accusations she is a figment of our imaginations lol!

Clearly, you like the drama. You like the fact that he wants you *all to himself* and starts lots of fights. Is he your first serious boyfriend? You probably think this is what it's supposed to be like. Listen, just because he pays more attention to you than your friends' boyfriends who are actually well-adjusted and have lives, that doesn't mean that he's a good boyfriend.

Either put up (break up with him, cut off all contact, and become a better student/pledge/whatever) or shut up (leave us alone, because few of us care now). No sorority will want a weak woman.

Rare Treasure,

It is time to end this discussion on this board and transition into a new life and universe...

PM me if you want to know more.

Dr. AKA_Monet

When a man truly loves you, you don't have to beg for support. Support is unconditional...this is what good looks like:

"Baby girl, I'm not really feeling this sorority thing and I am afraid that its going to mess up our thing. But if you really want to do it, I'll get you a nice gift. Come see me first when you cross."

ps...I'm not weak.............and I didnt reply until now because I have 3 jobs and I am a full time student.

How will you have time for a sorority?