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-   -   Marrying Down? (https://greekchat.com/gcforums/showthread.php?t=51339)

tld221 04-04-2007 01:07 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Still BLUTANG (Post 1423849)
i don't think there's really such a thing as marrying down, i think to many people are trapped in playing games to keep UP with the joneses. I know the damn joneses, and their life really aint that sweet.
shoot i hear that!

Dionysus 04-04-2007 02:22 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Still BLUTANG (Post 1423849)

i don't think there's really such a thing as marrying down, i think to many people are trapped in playing games to keep UP with the joneses. I know the damn joneses, and their life really aint that sweet.
For me, it isn't so much about "keeping up with the joneses". I got almost everything I wanted as a child, in a material sense. I hated most of my childhood. So you're right that having a lot of material things=happiness is false.

With me it's more about lifestyle and mentality. However, when I posted earlier in this thread, that was like three years ago. Since then, I have interacted with so many people who have different backgrounds than me. Some of these people I have a lot of common with. I've learned that your financial/educational background, or the one you grew up in, doesn't always dictate preferences and attitudes.

So if they're open-minded, intelligent, have similar values, and like the same type of places/foods/movies/shows/music/whatever...it doesn't matter to me if they're a lawyer or a bartender.

NinjaPoodle 04-04-2007 10:19 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by NinjaPoodle (Post 740984)
I agree to this.
I've dated "down" also. The guy works in a trade and makes a-lot-o-cash and that great but money is not the connecting factor to make a relationship work. I thought he was a nice guy and gave him a chance but in the long run we really had nothing in common. We don’t have the same social circle, he gives me attitude when I tell him I'm going to the First Friday's (it's FF's not the millionaires club, geeze...:rolleyes: )

In relation to raising kids, we would (and still do) get into it about the hows and what’s of childrearing. My childhood background is such that I would consider it to be, not spoiled but advantaged. I did everything, Girl Scouts, clubs at school, annual trips to the family friend's orchard/ranch/farm in the wine country, summer camp, etc... I want my kid to experience the same thing if not more. He gets pissed off and says that's bourgeoisie. :rolleyes: Exposing your kids and yourself to the world is NOT BOURGEOISIE!

Our conversations always ended up being about social status, class structure and me defending why I am the way I am. Talk about politics? He couldn't tell you that Sacramento is the state capitol of Cali. WTF?.:eek: He got mad because I volunteered at the Democratic convention... :confused:

He would give me grief about school related matters or sorority stuff. These are basic things, I can't imagine talking to him about serious issues.

He had a general attitude against black folks who were moving up and on to bigger and better things and just felt like I was the person to pick on (he seriously picked the wrong sister for that;) )

ETA:
If two people can put aside the minor differences and work it out, I say more power to them.

I still feel the same.

Educatingblue 05-06-2007 03:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by darling1 (Post 1160353)

ive have come across plenty of new money negros that wear me out with their bourgie mentality. they dont have a pot to piss in and cant hold an intelligent conversation. they want to know your entire resume and go 10 rounds of negro geography. its ridiculous!

if you take the time to think about what you desire in a mate then you subject yourself to folks who will never meet your standards. if you assume that a formally educated person will provide you with a better life in a marriage than someone who isnt, you are mistaken and set yourself up for a string of shallow and loveless unions.

to me there is no fine line to this. a person who feels they are ready to be in a committed, intimate relationship with someone has to know what they want and the consequences of those choices. i often wonder if men or women who put on certain 'requirements' for a potential mate actually take the time to take personal stock. i have a feeling that many dont.


just my opinion.
I definitely agree with you on this one. When I was younger and ignorant to the world around me I said I would never marry down. Once I got to college, I realized how many people out there were doing better than me without a college degree and it is their own motivation that promotes their success.

Now that I am older, my husband and I both have graduate degrees, but he is not from the same background that I am. The thing that matters is that we both have the same goals, can hold intellectual conversation, and regardless of the F'ed up situation, we can find a way out! :D

OneTimeSBX 05-07-2007 12:47 PM
is this more a male/female thing or what?

my bff has a masters in forensics. her husband? a GED. now i will admit when i met them i didnt think it would work. instead, she has become a huge inspiration to him, and he is currently at a 2 year school working on his business degree. when asked about it, she just shrugs and says, "you cant help who you fall in love with, or who God chooses to be your soulmate". he never tripped, he supported her 100%, and now she is returning the favor.

DSTCHAOS 05-07-2007 01:26 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheEpitome1920 (Post 738403)
Watching "The View".

Do you all see a problem with marrying someone who may not be from the same socio-economic background as you? May not have a college degree? etc.
Yep. :)

Sugar08 05-07-2007 01:52 PM
This thread is so interesting to me... it's reminding me of my bff, who was lately dating a slightly older guy (he's late twenties, we're early twenties) who doesn't have a college degree, is divorced, has two kids, and has a very intellectually unstimulating (not a word, I know) job.

BUT, he adored her, treated her very well, and is a good father to his children.

I have to admit that while I liked him as a person, I just didn't think he was on her level. She's working on her Master's, and has a very ambitious life plan, while he's kind of content to be where he is. She recently broke up with him, citing the fact that he doesn't seem to have any real ambitions (at which point, he announces that God has called him to be a preacher, and that he's going to be blessed, along with anyone who is in his life... needless to say, she didn't take that bait).

But it's such a tough one, because being treated well in a relationship is so important, and often hard to come by... and on the other hand, being with someone who shares your goals and plans is just as important (and just as hard to come by...)

DSTCHAOS 05-07-2007 02:06 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugar08 (Post 1442567)
But it's such a tough one, because being treated well in a relationship is so important, and often hard to come by... and on the other hand, being with someone who shares your goals and plans is just as important (and just as hard to come by...)
You don't have to pick one or the other. ;) The total package isn't hard to come by.

You have to exude those traits and surround yourself with people, places, and things conducive to finding a mate with those traits.

Sugar08 05-07-2007 02:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS (Post 1442585)
You don't have to pick one or the other. ;) The total package isn't hard to come by.

You have to exude those traits and surround yourself with people, places, and things conducive to finding a mate with those traits.
Touche'.

And on that note, I guess I WILL be attending the NAACP meeting on campus tonight... :)

PrettyBoy 05-27-2007 03:44 AM
I have a college degree and I'm working on another one, but I would marry a woman rather she had a degree or not. If I was physically attracted to her, and she loved and respected me, and shared the same family values as me then I would.

The thing I cannot deal with is a jacked up family background. If she comes from a mixed up, or ghetto family background, there's no way I would even consider it. I wouldn't care if she was fine with 50 degrees, I wouldn't do it. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. To me, this is marrying down, because I want to marry a woman who has the same family values that I have.

RedefinedDiva 05-27-2007 12:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by PrettyBoy (Post 1455742)
The thing I cannot deal with is a jacked up family background. If she comes from a mixed up, or ghetto family background, there's no way I would even consider it. I wouldn't care if she was fine with 50 degrees, I wouldn't do it. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. To me, this is marrying down, because I want to marry a woman who has the same family values that I have.
A person's upbringing and family doesn't necessarily affect his/her family values. If someone's family is "mixed up" or "ghetto" and (s)he had enough sense and resilience to get "50 degrees," then obviously (s)he has a good head on his/her shoulders and wants something more than what (s)he has been taught. It's unfair to think that an "apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I know SEVERAL people (myself included) that may not have had a fairy tale upbringing and wishes to offer more to the family that (s)he may one day have. If you discredit someone based on something that is outside of his/her control, you could miss out on something great. None of us are able to choose our families, nor can we control or alter their behaviors, regardless of how hard we try.

Educatingblue 05-28-2007 08:57 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedefinedDiva (Post 1455856)
A person's upbringing and family doesn't necessarily affect his/her family values. If someone's family is "mixed up" or "ghetto" and (s)he had enough sense and resilience to get "50 degrees," then obviously (s)he has a good head on his/her shoulders and wants something more than what (s)he has been taught. It's unfair to think that an "apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I know SEVERAL people (myself included) that may not have had a fairy tale upbringing and wishes to offer more to the family that (s)he may one day have. If you discredit someone based on something that is outside of his/her control, you could miss out on something great. None of us are able to choose our families, nor can we control or alter their behaviors, regardless of how hard we try.

AMEN! I think as our nation is moving away from traditional values, what you perceive as jacked could be normal to others. There are a lot of non-traditional families and even more single parents. We can debate why there are so many out of wedlock children, divorced parents, gay/lesbian parents etc., but being close minded is not a viable solution...It is what it is.

I think the best thing those of us who are married or plan to get married and have children can do is provide a stable home environment for our families. My parents have been married over 30 years, so my husband and I definitely strive to maintain a healthy and happy home environment.

Rachel0497 06-24-2007 09:12 PM
I think that for me, it is more important that we have a similar social background rather than economic background. For instance, if he grew up "poor" but had parents that encouraged him to explore the world via books, volunteer opportunities, etc., that would be more preferable than a "rich" kid who wasted his youth with nonsense. I need intelligence, and THAT can be found no matter how much money you had/have.


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