Had no idea about the correlation between diabetes and depression.

First (((((((((((((((((teena))))))))))))))))))

Second: I am worried about you... But that's me. So PM me when you get a chance.

Third: I forgot I should give you websites:

Hayhouse. A healing site for folks who have suffered tremendously. Louise Hay has been to Hayle and back and says she has. She has just published a book with all her "new friends". I read a story about a dyslexic boy (now a man) and what he endured in school: Dr. Demartini. I think this book is a good start, too.

And if you can only read one sentence, do so and try every day until you get to a paragraph.

Lastly, I do have to give my LS props, she does this kind of thing also: Dr. Cherry Collier

YES!!! And truth be told, you can't be everything to everyone else while you are quietly going to pieces. And we DON'T have to be everything to everyone. It's not healthy.

Teena, girl, we are here for you. Share when you are ready. Sometimes you gotta go through it again to get past it, otherwise it keeps popping up to trip you up. When you deal with it, you know how to get around it. :) ((teena))

its not you....
 

trust your gut. looking at your first post, i think i had the same issue with paxil. i was lucky because my therapist at the time was a physician. very smart and ver concerned about my health and welfare.

therapy should be a place of trust and safety. if you dont feel that way, then its time to start looking at other options.

it is not you.

another thought....
 

look into post traumatic stress disorder. for years, i used to have nightmares related to the abuse i suffered. it wasnt until the second mental breakdown and subsequent hospitalization that ptsd was considered. it made sense and changed my entire outlook and approach to my recovery.

Thanks all. I mean it. Im fine. Really. I just find myself really really really really angry sometimes. Really angry. I dont *think* I am depressed. I do know that the past effects me even now. I remember when I was in the military the duty sergent would do bed check. I would wake up screaming whenever they would come in my room. It got to the point, they wouldnt come our room they would only crack the door. Or I would have to stay up until they did bed check. I still have issues about being surprised when sleeping or from behind. I have no idea, where that came from, though.

I've talked to my close friends about things. Never any one friend though. No one person knows everything. I can relate to someone's statement about a mask. But I think we all have to have a mask anyway, just to deal.

I swear, I am not kidding. About two weeks ago, I told someone that i think that I suffer PTSD. For real. I was acting wiggy about something, crying and carrying on, about somethign I shouldnt have been that upset about.

Ok. Here is the the question, what if you start digging and trying to get to the root of your issue, and you wind up worse off than you were initially. Thats my fear.

Teena, get thee to some counseling. Like I said before, if you don't get to the root, the thing just keeps growing. Find someone who specializes in PTSD and go from there.

you have to hit the valley before you hit the apex
 

there are going to be times when you are not going to see the light. this is always hard for me. for a few years, if i was able to get to therapy, that was a feat. the work is hard, which is why the support system is so key. you can't be fearful. i know this is easier said than done. but think about your future. for me, at the critical times, my goal was to be able to deal with my stuff and get through school. or it was to keep going to therapy so i would have a healthy relationship with my then boy-friend, now husband.

think about some motivators that may encourage you to dig deeper. (((teena)))

I have gotten mad at many a therapist for trying to get me to talk about something I did NOT want to discuss. I'm an avoider, so if I didn't bring it up, I'd think to myself WTH are you to bring it up? But I realized that if I truly knew what worked and what was best for me, I wouldn't be lying on their couch. I had to trust the process. If it got TOO painful, I'd be honest and say, "I can't do this right now." But I knew I had to at least try cuz I could not keep living (or dying, really) like I was.

I am here to tell you, whether you dig it up or not, IT WILL COME OUT. A year or so ago I had a memory of abuse come to me that I had completely forgotten (it happened when I was 10 and I was 32 when I remembered). This ripped my life apart. APART. The memory was so vivid, too. I didn't believe anything like that could happen, so to have it happen to me was disturbing, to say the least. I was PISSED that it had been hidden in my subconscious for so long and had the nerve to come out. Honestly, WTF? Weren't we doing fine without it? And what was I supposed to do with that mess? The memory came out while I was at a volunteer training for the Rape Crisis and Abuse Center. In the middle of the training session I had to go to the restroom and try to get myself together. I'm glad I was at this training, because I ended up joining one of their support groups and that helped me BEYOND BELIEF!!! My therapist had me write down EVERYTHING and doing that made me remember some MORE stuff I had forgotten. Not only did she tell me to write it down, she told me to READ it to 5 people. I flat out told her she was the one that needed to be on the couch if she thought I was about to tell anybody ANY of that mess. But she told me that I had to share it in order to gain back control. Since I felt so OUT of control, I did the friggin' exercise, but I was pissed the entire time. I read it to my manfriend, my two best friends, and my support group (NOT my family, I still haven't told them, and it wasn't even a family member that abused me). OMGoodness, when I got done I felt SO relieved. I was able to talk about the abuse with others and not feel ashamed about it. And in hindsight, I realized that's when my weight began to drop; the pounds melted off. My physical health improved with my mental health.

But this took TIME. What I truly wanted to do was try to forget again cuz I wanted to hurry up and feel better NOW. That didn't work, obviously. But what I learned was that there are SO many people who have experienced the exact same thing, and not just women. And I also learned that it was possible I had been wrong about my depression/anxiety for years. I thought it was because of the death of my parents in 1993 (which my therapist says I still haven't grieved, but I'm not ready for that, either), but maybe it was due to this hidden memory. I learned as I learned every day that The Almighty is perfect in every way and that it was not meant for me to carry that memory; it came out exactly when it was supposed to.

So don't be afraid of things getting worse. Like any wound, it gets worse and itchy before it actually heals. All storms have to get horrible before they pass. This is no different. We're all apart of the same universe and it shows.

Remember: there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Courage is doing it scared. So if you're scared, DO IT SCARED!!!

(((((teena)))))

Thank you. For sharing this. I give you and everyone else HUGE props for sharing such a personal piece of yourselves. I am typing a response but I KNOW others are empowered by this who maybe silent readers.


The thought of such a huge endeavor makes me itch. And I am not quite sure Im even ready yet. But I am encouraged just the same.

May God bless, strengthen, heal and encourage all who have posted or are reading here.

*deep sigh*

Response to Soror PIP777
 

Oh, to meet another isolator!!! SOROR, I have had the instances when I couldn't get dressed for work, couldn't even get out of bed. Once a soror that I worked with had to come to my apartment to help me. At work that week she had to take me outside to walk around the parking lot because I got angry and WENT OFF on the phone at work. I could not control stuff I normally had control over. I don't know what I would have done without her at that point in my life. But she understood cuz she had been there and knew she had to get me out of bed and out of the house.

Giiiiiiirrrrrrrrl, the blinds drawn--that hit a nerve. I used to wish I had hotel curtains in my apartment b/c they are so good at keeping the room dark! I didn't even realize how dark I kept my apartment until someone pointed it out. Now I make it a habit to open the blinds every day (even when I don't want to). People would be surprised what a little sunlight will do. First, it's hard to stay in bed and sleep if the room is bright (even though I have a little eye mask, lol). In my last housebound episode, I stopped going to work, didn't go to bible class on the Sabbath, stopped checking my mail, didn't answer the phone, didn't check voicemail, nothing. One of the apartment managers came to my door to check on me because my job called concerned. I hadn't gone in or called or anything. It was my rock bottom. I didn't even call my therapist (which I got ripped a new one for when I finally went in). She helped me figure out it was cyclic and how often it happened. I don't EVER want it to get that bad again. I pay attention to the signs, at least I try to.

Oh, the expectations are WAY overwhelming. I'm joining the land of the living again, and it's hard. First folks want to know WHY I haven't been in touch, and I haven't yet figured out what to say. I kinda just brush over it and never really answer the question. Like you, I'm shocked and blessed that they even still want to deal with me, let along be my friend. My sister gets mad when I don't answer her calls. I've started answering them because she called one day and was like, "DO I NEED TO COME DOWN THERE? ARE YOU BACK ON MEDICATION? WTF IS GOIN' ON??????" I realized she was scared and worried and I can't have that (she has high blood pressure), so even when she is the last person I want to be bothered with (she's also an alcoholic and often drunk dials), I take her calls. Girl, family...

It's hard especially because I don't have a reason to why I don't feel like talking or being bothered. Sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I'm just tired, and it takes energy to be around people and to talk to people and to be my regular self. And if I'm not my regular self, then people ask what's wrong and I don't have an answer to all that, so to avoid all that, I just don't answer the phone. But I will email cuz people can't tell by email if I'm down or not. So I can stay in touch and not have to be 'human,' if that makes any sense.

My manfriend has no idea how much he helps me when he makes me do stuff by myself, like run errands. Sometimes, I'm just scared to leave the house alone and I want him to go with me and he is NOT on it. But I don't want to become one of the people I read about who can only leave the house with her husband. I don't want to be her, as much as I don't want to go out by myself. It's a constant struggle, me fighting me. Makes me feel crazy and unbalanced. But I realize I'm not fighting me, I'm fighting the depression/anxiety that is trying to control me. So I have to force myself to take control, one day at a time.

That being said, sometimes I want nothing more than to be by myself and do things that don't require other people. Like going to the library and the bookstore or going for walks, activities where I'm out of the house, but still kinda isolated and don't have to socialize.

But I can tell I'm getting better because I don't pray for death anymore. I never wanted to actually kill myself, I just wanted to cease to exist somehow. Or I wanted some freak accident to happen so I could die and not deal with the stigma of suicide. Or I wanted some fairy godmother to send me someone who could go out and live my life while I stayed in the bed. I don't feel that way anymore and what's more, I'm not ashamed that I ever felt that way at all. I want to actually LIVE now. I don't want to just survive; I want to get to a point where I am LIVING joyfully. I'm not there yet, but that's what I pray for now. And it's what I wish for you, Soror PIP777, and the rest of you in this thread. I wish LIFE for us.

((((((((((all y'all))))))))))

I've been seeing a therapist as part of the whole transplant experience. They believe I may have DEVELOPED HYPOMANIA as a result of inactivity. Basically I have sooo much free time on my hand that I spend alot of time analyzing myself and when you think too much about your life, actions, inactions, what you have, what you don't have, who wants you, who doesn't want you, it can be bad on your self-esteem and ambitious or it can make you feel too ambitious.

Like I live at home, because I shouldn't be alone in case anything happens. I have no friends in a two hour distance, I am single (yes people PREACH that people don't need significant other, but it's different when you CAN'T have one because of issues - like not ever being able to have more children, not being where there are people to meet, being the background person, etc and that takes a blow to your confidence also). I've never been prone to depression because I believe that life is what you make of it and that all things turn out in God's fashion. But, these issues I have all rolled together put me in a place of panic.
I am glad I have been able to deal with it. Cause I used to joke to my best friend that I REALLY thought I was losing my mind, cause I was HAPPY but I'd be so despondent about the HAPPINESS that it felt wrong. If that makes any sense.

Gentle GCers--

Don't forget that depression is also anger turned inward, toward yourself...

So, anger has WAAAYS to be dealt with. Often in our interactions, we are told not to get angry, especially women, hold in your anger because it is unladylike... What that does is send the anger stressor into various parts of your body that just take the abuse as buffer, but as you get older, it because diseased and pathological that the organ cannot handle it anymore... Or worse, causes growths like cancer...

One way to deal with anger is seek resolution to disappate it. Anger, in and of itself is a "flight or fight" response... Strong-willed people fight... That's not always a good thing... It is viewed as weak if one takes flight... But, as humans, we can disarm our opponents... What that does is calm angry people down, it adds paradox, a defray... And guess what, we have to practice it like an physical exercise. Now, hindsight is always 20/20, but start with those is you do anger suppression. Then eventually, bring clarity to your feelings: i.e. "I am angry because __________________"

Like today, I am angry because a deadline is coming up and I feel it is unfulfilled. I am angry about it because I feel alienated by people I trust...

Follow that format. Avoid "You" statements. And the onus is on your feelings and your anger...

Alternative meds...
 

Mint teas... Eases stress fast!!! Safe... Anything mint, except candy...

Yoga, kundalini and hatha breaths... Deep meditative breathing...

Drink water. Only 8 oz. per day with exercise.

These practices are to be used inconjuction with your healthcare providers directions.

yuppers
 

when i discovered the anger piece, it was a lightbulb moment. im going to read this again because its a constant struggle.

OMG, this thread is better than Oprah. ((((hugs to all of my sisters)))) I have seen bits and pieces of myself all up and through this thread. It helps to know I'm not alone.

Wow, Soror.
 

Soror Ideal08 -- I have no words; can't respond now. You don't even know .... or come to think of it, you so do. I'll be back.

So do I. I can relate to most of the stuff in this thread.

It's surprising to me how many of us suffer like this, yet never know how many more of us are going through the same thing. I have a question - do any of you know any internet resources specifically for Af-Am women dealing with mental health issues? Like a message board or chatroom? I don't know of any but if it's not already out there, it may be something good to start, even with us.

If any of you want to talk you can PM me and I would be more than glad to give you my e-mail or phone number. I have been through much of what you all have been through and I'm also a licensed social worker and about to be a licensed clinical social worker, so I can talk to you not only as a friend but at least give some advice as a professional as well.

((((((everyone))))))

I don't know if there is a source out there for AA women and/or women of color who have these issues (we can't forget our other brown sisters in this struggle). I'm down to work with something like that. I have GOT to get back to school.

I too see myself in bits and pieces of what others are saying. You put words to what I have been trying to explain to people recently about why I dropped out of sight for the last year.

Ideal, check your pm in a min.
Mulattogyrl, check yours in a min, too.

i used to have one
 

years ago, i had one on yahoo, but i closed it down.

i would be interested in finding out if there is one. or if anyone is interested in starting one.

hey Soror....this is one of the goals I have planned for my own practice, I want to raise awareness about mental health in our community...just seeing the need here on GC makes me continue to press on when my classes are KICKING me in the A$$...for the most part we are educated AA women who have enough information and know how to seek help, but think about the multitude of AA women who don't have the resources to get help...

this is one of the best threads in my time on GC.....

YES

I have not seen an AfAm specific internet site for mental healthcare. I have seen a general website for mental healthcare at allexperts.com. They make you sign a waiver before you can ask a question to any expert you want to deal with and the expert chooses to answer your question or not. They will refuse to answer perverted questions or questions that have liabilities to it...

I would be VERY interested in being a part of place that serves that need being a consumer for nearly 15 years. I think if there is a staff with credentials of at least 3-5 people, I think both a group format and a 1-1 PM can work. I also would like to see a powerpoint or macromedia presentation of pertinent issues required at sign up so everyone on board comes in on the same page. Many of us don't know what "depression" is as defined by AMA, APA, DSM-VI guidelines state--for example... There are issues as to what it is not, too... Professionals know that, but the lay may not.

We could have religious circles or spiritual areas; and we can have pure by the book secular understandings, mindfulness. Whatever works.

Last, I would want to see whitepaper. What's the point in doing this if you all who need cannot get accolades and training that you need anyway? I would want to see this presented a major international meetings and know I was a part of something bigger than myself...

That's my take. I know I can probably get a few psychiatrists on board...

You know, I would LOVE to use whatever venue we come up with as a research topic.

I need ya'll to help get me motivated to get my butt in gear and get back to school. I've found a program that matches what I want to do, but that first step is always the hardest. :(

Please do it. I am in school now and it is very rewarding. Start with a small step....like take the GRE (or whatever). Continue to move in small steps. You will gain momentum. Then before you know it, you will be on GC farting around because you dont want to do any studying. :D

Its possible. If I am doing it, its possible.

Disclaimer
 

Since this forum is in the AKA Ave. and the Moderators support the comments made here:

I want to make this place a "safe zone" for anyone who feels so empowered to talk freely. Many of us have made ourselves vulnerable here, but that fact is outweighed by COMMUNICATION...

Ground rules are: there is no judgment. If one has to judge, send a PM and do it. Blasting is uncool in this thread.

People can provide what worked for them and support for one another. That is what this thread is all about.

If you have some real issues you need to discuss with professionals, and their advice is for only for the purposes of entertainment, PM them. In no way should it be used as a substitution for real treatment options.

Now, there is at least one professional on this thread willing to accept PMs. Please read the thread because it is not my place to single them out.

Rules are subject to change without notice.

Please list to say you agree to these rules. If you don't agree to these rules, we just won't expect your participation and we can remove your posts. I am just protecting folks here...

National Institutes of Mental Health
 

Pretty good site...

It is just a starting point for those who want to pursue their own research...

((((Soror Ideal08))))) ... is my favorite!!
 

agree.

Soror Ideal08, I was going to write point-by-point how it seems like we are living parallel existences, but, suffice it to say that our experiences are almost identical even in the smallest ways .... Thank you for sharing your experience .... it helps soooooooo much to know that I am not alone. Reading your post was healing to me ... I'm not the only one out there dealing with this isolation thing and the myriad challenges it brings. It helps to know that others feel the way I feel and have to cope with the same difficulties. Much love .... what a huge unexpected blessing this dialogue is! ...... and to the sorors and sisterfriends that are sharing ... God Bless y'all too...(((((nikki1920)))) ((((darling1)))) and all the rest!

This thread has just about broke a sister down and built her back up again :D

.... and it's nice to know that I'm not crazy :o
(I'm not......right??? uhhhhh...Right?? lol)

I have been following this thread silently, and I just want to thank my sorors (especially my sorors), sistergreeks, and sisterfriends for courageously sharing their stories. I want to hug you all, because I know to an extent the places that you have been and how hard it is to come out of them.

The last year has been a difficult one for me--some mild depression. Because I am stubborn, I insisted on trying to work through my issues myself. I feel a lot better these days, but I am at the point where I think that I need to talk to a professional, just to help me move through this last bit.

Keep sharing ladies. :)

I agree

Oh, what you said about substitution. PLEASE seek professional help and do not use this thread a substitute for that.

I agree.

While we can share our stories, they, in no way, are meant to be a directive for someone to do take the same path.

You can contacy your local department of mental health for a start or go through your employer's Employee Assistance Program. If you are on Medicaid, mental health IS a covered service.

Agree

That's why I made the comment about not expecting everyone to share their story earlier.

CNN did a story called "Black and Blue: Depression Among African Americans."

Terrie Williams, author of "Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting," was on there with some important reminders.

1. Issues of Af Am mental health became overshadowed during slavery where blacks learned how to hide their feelings and ignore their families' and their own needs. They had to. If slaves showed emotion or personal attention to their children, they were often sold to other slave owners. The goal was to divide the slave families so they could be herds of cattle without attachments to people, instead of humans--that makes it economically and morally easier to enslave people.

Thus, began the pattern and it is not easily broken.

2. Af Am community emphasizes prayer (which I mentioned in one of my first posts) and prayer is supposed to be the end-all-and-be-all in theory and practice for many. So people who seek help are perceived as admitting that God can't solve all and doesn't answer prayers. This is a supposed betrayal of God which contributes to silence in the communities and a failure for almost all institutions in the black community to address mental health.

3. General distrust for medicine that especially began with the Tuskegee experiment. Blacks were taken advantage in that experiment and that led to a fear of medicine and lying ass medical experts.

4. The Invincible Sista Syndrome: The mask of the superwoman that black women wear. Pay attention to the signs and symptoms of depression and other mental disorders. Give yourself the necessary attention to address this issue. Seek help before the mask cracks!!!


Terrie Williams asks that on MARCH 1 everyone goes to www.staystrongfoundation.org TO PLEDGE YOUR COMMITMENT TO THIS IMPORTANT ISSUE..

I can't find the link for the CNN story but here's more info on Af Am mental health and Terrie Williams' book and personal story:
http://www.healthyplace.com/Communit...norities_9.asp
http://www.blackvoices.com/blogs/200...on-black-pain/

And it begins....

I think that (above Chaos) is a troll; does not look or sound like KSUViolet. I suggest that we delete these posts whenever they appear so that they do not sidetrack and important thread.

DSTCHAOS, have you read "Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We're Not Hurting"? It looked interesting and helpful, but I want to be sure before I buy it.

This is an amazing thread. Recently, I have taken time to summon the courage to start dealing with my own mental health needs. It is so hard to look my issues in the face and begin dealing with them - slowly. Kudos and love to all who have posted. Thank you, thank you, thank you!