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A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize." |
a little boy comes home from school one day and sees his parents having sex. he asks what they are doing, and his father tells him that they are making him a baby brother. a few days later, the father comes home from work and sees his son on the porch crying. he asks what's wrong and his son replies that his baby brother is dead. the father says no he isnt, the boy replies "yes he is, the mailman ate him this morning!"
a little boy walks in on his parent having sex, and asks his dad for a piggy back ride. the father, thinking the boy is young enough and no mental harm could be done agrees and says "hop on" the boy goes "faster daddy faster!" at which point his mom starts screaming in pleasure and flailing about. the boy goes "hang on daddy, this is the part where me and the pool man usually get bucked off!" a little boy, about 6 years old walks in on his mom taking a shower. he asks what that is, as he points to her breasts, and she tells him. he then asks what that is, and points to her crotch. she has to think fast and says it is her sponge. so the boy leaves the bathroom. the next day, he asks if he can see her sponge again and his mother says no because she lost it, so he goes outside to play. about an hour later, he runs in the house and goes "mommy, mommy, i know where your sponge is!" his mother goes "where?" the boy goes "the neighbor lady is washing daddy's face with it!" no, it is not the same little boy in each joke, that would be one f*cked up little kid! |
What's the difference between a Kansas tornado and a Texas divorce?
Either way, someone's gonna lose a trailer. Did you hear about Divorce Barbie? She comes with Ken's truck, Ken's kid, and Ken's house. |
An Irish man and a Polish man went hunting. They come across a beautiful meadow where they see a naked woman lying in the grass. The Irish guys says, "I think that she's game." So the Polish man shot her. ;)
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Three Little old ladies
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench talking when a man in a trenchcoat came up to them, and opened the coat. He was wearing nothing underneath!
The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third one couldn't....her arms were too short. |
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APPLICATION TO LIVE IN NEW JERSEY
NAME:__________________________ Nickname:_____________________ ADDRESS: ______________________ EXIT # __________ ______________________ ETHNIC BACKGROUND: _______Italian _______Sicilian ________Jewish BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE: a)Sewage b)Sulfur c)Garbage d)All of the above TOTAL # OF MUSCLE SHIRTS a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above # OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above # OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED a)Sergio Valente b)Jordache c)Sassoon d)Z. Cavaricci PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER a)100% b)95-100% c)90-95% d)85-90% TOTAL # OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED a)10 - 15 b)15 - 20 c)20 - 25 d)25 and above # OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME a)5 - 10 b)10 - 15 c)15 - 20 d)20 and above APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY a)$ 5 - $10 b)$10 - $15 c)$15 - $20 d)Stolen GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH? YES NO HAIR HEIGHT a)6 - 8 Inches b)8 - 12 Inches c)1 - 2 feet d)More than 2 feet HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME a) Hair Spray b) Styling Gel c) Mouse d) Extra Hold Styling Gel e) Bondo f) Spackle g) 40 Weight Oil h) Crazy Glue AUTOMOBILE OWNED: a) IROC Z b) Firebird c) Camaro d) Mustang f) Chevette ( You got a f#%*ing problem with it?) NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND a)6 - 8 Inches b)4 -6 Inches c)2 - 4 Inches d)Under 2 Inches CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE a) Gold chain around license plate b) Neon lights around license plate c) Neon lights under car d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror f) Chrome hubcaps g) Stick-on window tinting h) Stick-on paint splash stickers i) Fuzzy dice FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM a) F#%*ing Giants b) F#%*ing Jets c) F#%*ing Mets d) F#%*ing Yankees e) F#%*ing Nets f) F#%*ing Knicks g) F#%*ing Devils h) F#%*ing Rangers i) F#%*ing Islanders FAVORITE MUSIC a) Techno b) Rap c) Bon Jovi d) Bruce Springstein ESSAY QUESTION In 100 words or less, Define the term "Yoos Guys" _____________________ |
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", God replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy" "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?" The rest, as they say, is history. |
TOP 10 TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
10. "What in the f*ck was that?" – Mayor of Hiroshima – August, 1945 9 . "Where did all the f*cking Indians come from?" – Gen. George Armstrong Custer, 1877 8. "Any f*cking idiot could understand that." – Albert Einstein, 1938 7. "It does SO f*cking look like her!" – Pablo Picasso, 1926 6. "How the f*ck did you work that out?" – Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling?" – Michelangelo, 1566 4. "I don't suppose it's gonna f*cking rain." – Joan of Arc, 1434 3. "Scattered f*cking showers... my ass!" – Noah, 4314 BC 2. "I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in the head!" – John F. Kennedy, 1963 1. "Aw c'mon, who the f*ck is going to find out? – Bill Clinton, 1997 |
TKE!!!!
you are in trouble for your adam joke! :p but for all the guys out there, anyway.... why do women fake orgasms? b/c they think men care... ba dum bum ;) |
I first heard this one back in the day when i use to roll in the hay but i still it's oober funny.
A guy and a girl are having sex when the condom falls off and pops out the window. A little boy walks by and picks it up. Just then the guy runs outside and tells the little boy, "Hey kid I need that back!" The little boy looks at him and says, "Sure but it's going to cost you fifty cents so i can buy an ice cream." The guy goes and gives the boy fifty cents and the boy takes off, the guy goes back in and finishes his business. When the little boy gets home he has ice cream on his face his mother asks him where he got the money for ice cream. The little boy says, "Mommy you'd be so proud... I made a deal... I sold this guy a twinkee for money to get my OWN ice cream money... but the joke is on him ... i sucked out all the cream!" Gross I know but still funny. :D |
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Here is one for you Mon. :p
You might be a Republican if... You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. You've named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two" You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend" You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare. You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty. You think Huey Newton is a cookie. The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you. You think you might remember laughing once as a kid. You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie. You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs." You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something. You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches." You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school." You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie." You answer to "The Man." You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense. You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood." You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance." You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit... You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love. You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values." When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho." You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut." You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969. You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America. You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties. You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me." You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser. You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve." You've ever called education a luxury. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle. You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable. You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan. You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker. You're afraid of the "liberal media." You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...." You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers. You think all artists are gay. You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society." You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes. You confuse Lenin with Lennon. |
TOP CONDOM SLOGANS
- - ---------------- 1) Cover your stump before you hump 2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie 4) When in doubt shroud you spout 5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong 7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize 11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12) If you go into heat, package your meat 13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis 14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse 15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker 17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18) The right selection, is to protect your erection 19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil 20) A crank with armor, will never harm her 21) If you really love her, wear a cover 22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake 23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener 24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket 25) No glove, no love 26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye 27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver 28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax 29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt 30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown 31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam 32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed 33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink 34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground 35) Cloak the joker before you poke her 36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch 37) Cape your throbber before you bob her 38) After detection sheath your erection 39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate 40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser 41) Cover that lumber before you pump her 42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle 43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle 44) House your noodle then release your strudel 45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound 46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey 47) Cage that snake then shake and bake 48) Cover your peter it will be much neater 49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore 50) It's always funky to cage your monkey 51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy 52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb 53) It's not much money to catch your honey 54) Don't be a fool cover your tool 55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch 56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche 57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool 58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive 59) Contain that sputum before you use him 60) Restrain your log then plow her bog 61) Glove your pecker before you check her 62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her 63) Condomize then womanize 64) Cover old pete then grind her meat 65) Guard your peter before you meet her 66) Check your list before you tryst 67) Wrap your bate before you mate 68) Can your worm before you squirm 69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe 70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard 71) Bag the mole then do her hole 72) Cuff your carrot before you share it 73) Jail your number then call the plumber 74) Cover your vein then drive her insane 75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle 76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink 77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern 78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry 79) Wrap that spout then bore her out 80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain 81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge 82) Shroud your trout then make her shout 83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky 84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers 85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout 86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel 87) Cover your steamer before you ream her 88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish 89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass 90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret 91) Clothe the boner before you hone her 92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection! 93) Cork your pump or you don't hump 94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs 95) Dress that erection to make a deflection 96) Contain that shanker before you spank her 97) Cap that seeder before you breed her 98) Stop the stream before you cream 99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder 100) Protect your screw to catch that glue 101) Package your meat for a real neat treat 102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun 103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her 104) Garage the tractor then attack her 105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her 106) Sock that wanger before you bang her 107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser 108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good 109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke 110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate 111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate 112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates 113) Catch that goat before it bloats 114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen 115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her 116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk 117) Wrap that rod then please her bod 118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife 119) House that bottle then mash her throttle 120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash 121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle 122) Can your knob then throb her swab 123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug 124) Cover your limb before you swim 125) Retain your bailer then impail her 126) Rope your dope then make some soap 127) Net your salamander then make salad in her 128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper 129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds 130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft 131) Cover your stone before you bone 132) House your hose then curl her toes 133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass 134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch 135) Shield your rocks then pond her box 136) Cover old sly then do her dry 137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail 138) Glove your chimney before you come in me 139) If your nude tube your dude 140) Cloak your hitter then go split her 121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle 122) Can your knob then throb her swab 123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug 124) Cover your limb before you swim 125) Retain your bailer then impail her 126) Rope your dope then make some soap 127) Net your salamander then make salad in her 128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper 129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds 130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft 131) Cover your stone before you bone 132) House your hose then curl her toes 133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass 134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch 135) Shield your rocks then pond her box 136) Cover old sly then do her dry 137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail 138) Glove your chimney before you come in me 139) If your nude tube your dude 140) Cloak your hitter then go split her 141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her 142) Can your spam then bam that mam 143) Corral your ram then slice her ham 144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver 145) Twist your wick then stick that prick 146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart 147) Shed old spot then do her slot 148) Drawer your pip then split her lips 149) Contain that leach then mash her peach 150) Bag your elm then take the helm 151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem 152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these 153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot 154) Survey your land then plant her stand 155) Before you drive her protect that diver 156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt 157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her 158) Cover you post then slice her roast 159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey 160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon 161) Contain that viper before you pipe her 162) Wrap your whopper then go bop her |
Brand Name Condoms and their Slogans
==================================== Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more? Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. Point and Shoot! Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Have you Driven a Ford Lately? Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock. Jeep-Eagle Condom: There's Only One Jeep (sold in singles only) The Saturn Condom: A *Different* Kind of Condom Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? NY Lotto Condoms: 'Cause, hey -- you never know. Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. Energizer Condoms: Keeps going and going ... KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing. Diet Coke Condom: Just for the taste of it Lays Condom: Betcha can't have just one. Bud-Lite Condom: Where's the Love Man! Honda Motorcycle Condom: Come Ride With Us 7-UP Condom: The UN-Condom Iomega Condom: For All Your Stuff Microsoft Condom: Where do you want to go today? We are universally compatible. |
A true story . . . .
When Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck Mr Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbor's bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" |
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Two little old ladies, Bernice and Ethel, went to the movies. They were sitting there watching the movie and then suddenly Bernice whispered "Ethel, the man next to me is MASTURBATING!" Ethel said, "Well, Bernice why on earth don't you get up and move over here?" Ethel said, "I can't, he's using my hand."
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But it is funny, though! ;) :) :D |
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LMAO.....ya know....i'll admit that was a lil bit humorous....so untrue for the most part b/c i so don't think bert and ernie are sexual deviants....lol, but ya know.... ;) i'll be out looking for my revenge, so be ready..... AND, just a lil FYI...i do have a john edwards sticker courtesy of miss "i love democrats but yet still call myself a southerner" ivory ;)....i mean, it's not where anyone can actually SEE it, but i have it.... :p :D |
ok, tke.....it's WAR!!! ;)
You Might Be A Democrat If... You think "ethics" is an eastern European country. You've named your kids with hyphenated first and last names. You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were only willing to redistribute their wealth. You've ever referred to someone as a "bigot or Nazi". You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a married man. You oppose the death penalty, but support abortion. You don't support school choice for others, only for yourself. You think you might remember laughing once as an adult and feeling guilty about it. You once broke loose at a party and inhaled, but don't admit it. You support diversity, as long as others agree with you. You've referred to moral fiber thinking it was a new man made textile. You've ever uttered the phrase, "you hypocrite". You've ever said, "the Bill Of Rights is outdated". You answer to "No One". You support PETA and Green Peace, but still eat beef, fish, lamb, and wear leather garments. You protest your neighbor clearing their yard of weeds. You only let your kids watch PBS and listen to NPR. You scream at the thought of agreeing with a Republican. You've argued that Western values are no values. You agree that all the world's problems can be traced back to white Anglo-Saxon men taking advantage of others. When people say "Marx," you think, "to bad his idea didn't work". You've ever yelled, "capitalist". You still wear the Birkenstocks you purchased in 1969. You argue that you need 300 laws to control guns. You really think that guns kill people. Not people kill people. You want to protest something but don't know what. You've ever said "I support civil liberties, but not personal liberties." You will not admit that trees are a renewable resource. You've ever said "reduce paper, save a tree". You donate money because it makes you "feel good". You came of age in the '60s and don't understand what went wrong. You justify lying cheating Democrats because Republicans lie and cheat. You ever start or end an argument on the phrase, "you are closed minded". You never told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can" because he chooses to do so. You think denial is a virtue. You don't mind contributing 4 months of your salary to the government. You're only sorry it can't be more. You believe that everyone else is responsible for you but you. :p *and just for fun, here are these, too: The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?" "That's my business! Get me the form!" Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat". Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a bucket of cow manure? A: The bucket. Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job? A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir? |
Monica, I think you have the wrong thread. This is for Offensive or Sick JOKES. You just wrote the truth... :D :p :cool:
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[/docet's hijack]
continue ;) |
Monica = funny
docet = confused lol :p |
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HAHAHAHAHAHA
I just sent that one to several people. Hey, they needed to know! |
what's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
albert einstein's dick einstein is at a party, and goes up to this man and says, "excuse me, what is your IQ?" the man replies "150" einstein says "great, we can talk about physics and high levels of math" so they talk a little bit, then einstein leaves and goes to this woman and asks her the same question. she replies "115" einstein says "great, we can talk about politics and history" they talk for a bit, then eintstein goes up to another guest and says "what is your IQ?" the man replies "75" einstein says "how 'bout them raiders!" what's the difference between a dollar and a raider? there are 4 quarters in a dollar a *insert stereotype here( i.e. mexican, black, italian, redneck, jew, etc., whichever is appropriate for the setting)* walks into a bar with a big pile of shit in his hand and goes "HEY GUYS, LOOK WHAT I ALMOST STEPPED IN!" |
here you go fellas. use this with care. sorry ladies, the position is filled, and i am not taking aps. no, i did not make this. a friend of mine did
www.geocities.com/djsundquist/gf.html |
A real insurance claim...
S.C. Anderson ************ Minnetonka, MN 55345 Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016 Dear Sir: This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put `Stupidity'. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization. I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position. Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction. Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extrcating myself. Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)). After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 `On-the-Spot' news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck. The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through. The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form. Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization. Sincerely, S. Anderson |
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for the ladies....
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter what, for $20.00.......on one condition." (There are always conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house." |
for the men
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks
his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores." |
I know its not on this thread but may be a repeat somewhere...
A guy is travelling the wild and wooly west when a band of Indian warriors capture him. He is tied to a stake and the chief is about to light a fire under him. The guy yells, "HOLD IT, HOLD IT!!! Could I have one last request before you burn me at the stake." The Chief is surprised that this guy would even dare to make such a request. The chief then says, "So what is your last request?!?!?" The guy says, "Could I talk to my horse?" Well the Indian chief is floored by such a request but calls for one of the braves to bring the guy's horse. The guy wispers in the horse's ear, The horse gallops over the hill and in a couple minutes comes back carrying a blonde girl on it back. The chief then says "Okay, I'll give you a half an hour with the girl." The several warriors untie the guy, put the guy and girl in a teepee, half hour later take the guy out, tie him up again. The chief again goes to light the fire but the guy again says "HOLD IT, HOLD IT... Can I have another request before you burn me at the stake." The chief, getting perturbed says, "Now what is your request??" The guys asks "Can I talk to my horse again, just one more time." The chief calls for the horse to be brought again. The horse is brought again and again the guy wispers in the horse's ear. The horse gallops over a hill and comes back with a burnette girl this time. The chief says "Okay I'll give you another half hour with this girl." The warriors untie the guy put the guy and girl in the teepee, half an hour goes by the guy is brought out, and tied to the stake. The chief one more goes to light the fire. Again the guy yells, "HOLD IT, HOLD IT, I just want one more request. This will be the last time. I will not ask for anything more." The chief is damn angry but says "Okay, this is it. This is the last thing you can ask for. You have run out of requests..." The guy again asks for his horse. A brave brings the horse. The guy grabs the horse by both sides of the head and shakes it saying, "POSSE, you stupid horse, POSSE. Read my lips P-O-S-S-E!!!!" |
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was
Mypenis: - Mypenis ate my homework. - Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! - Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. - I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. - I love giving Mypenis a bath. - At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands. - Mypenis likes it when people pet him. - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds. - Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. - Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis? - Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active. - I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. - I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet. - Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction. - I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. - Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door. - If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry. - Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. - Help! I can't find Mypenis! - Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis. - Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes. - Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital. - Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis! - Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis. - When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone. - Stop kicking Mypenis. - When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown. - Mypenis is truly man's best friend. - Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease. - People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention. - Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer. - There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis. - I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops. - Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table. - Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis. |
zntke- that is too cute..LMAO!!
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One day, a general of the army, an admiral, and an air
force general are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver. So the admiral yells to a passing sailor, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!" The sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it. The admiral turns to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that was bravery." The army general says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private, stop that moving tank!" The private snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!" and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it. The army general turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts." Finally, the air force general takes his turn. "Airman, catch that landing plane." The airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir." The air force general turns to the others and says, "Gentlemen, _that_ took balls." |
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that is my all-time best jok eever in the historyu of monica jokes....i told it the other day at work...used dick, adn then onf of my mangres when i had to tell it agin....priceless....i'm telin ya..... of course, that ony incredsed myt popuarity at the ol' workpalce! ;) |
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try using them, they make your posts 10X more readable. Kitso KS 361 times i've typed Kitos and then had to edit it to Kitso |
osama bin laden dies and goes straight to hell. the devil greets him and says that he would like him to sit at his table, but he would need to someone to leave. any person that osama wants to leave the table would be kicked out. they go into the first persons room and but on gas masks because of all the smoke. there is a man sitting at the table with a wall full of cigars behind him, after he finishes one, the next is lit. osama says that he is not a smoker, so fidel can stay. they go to the next room and see a pool of water. up pops a man and osama says, i cannot swim, i am from the f*cking desert, so manuel can stay. they go to the third room and see a guy laying there, getting a blowjob. he is having the time of his life, and osama says, hell yes i can see me doing that for the rest of eternity. the devil says, "okay, monica you can go now"
why are there cakes at a portugeuse wedding? to keep the flies off the bride |
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