DST Love, you are alright in my book.

Re: Let he/she who is WITHOUT sin throw the 1st stone!
 

SIGH. STOP! LOOK!LISTEN!!!!!

I SERIOUSLY doubt that Professor made his decision based on YOUR posts! :rolleyes:

Why must you keep giving analogies that have NO RELATION WHATSOEVER to the topic??? I mean switched license plates and hook-up's at Mickey D's may have some relation to adultery in your world...but let's ease back into reality.

Again, as has been pounded into the pavement...we didn't just arbitrarily begin to post on the topic of cheaters out of the blue. PROFESSOR ASKED OUR OPINION. Not only that, he also ASKED US WHAT WE FELT HE SHOULD DO. Therefore, any harsh words aimed at Professor were not unsolicited!

TLAW...cheating is anything more than harmless flirting...basically, if you would be hurt if you found out your mate was doing it, it's off limits! What do YOU think?

I am in TOTAL AGREEMENT, Librasoul. That should be the litmus test. For example, I believe that it is improper for married people to make suggestive sexual jokes. I have seen people do this all the time. I guess I am just overly conservative?
This might sound sappy, but I believe that emotional cheating can be just as damaging as the physical aspect. Feel me?

is it possible to give an OPINION w/o JUDGING?
 

"PROFESSOR ASKED OUR OPINION. Not only that, he also ASKED US WHAT WE FELT HE SHOULD DO. Therefore, any harsh words aimed at Professor were not unsolicited!"

I remember Professor asking for opinions and what everybody felt he should do, however I didn't catch the part where he asked for "harsh words". If that's what he was looking for than I'm sure he is very satisfied. I am curious.. is it possible to give advice w/o being judgemental? Is it possible to hear apposing views w/o devaluing them? I'm sure Professor made his decision based on ALL views. I'm sure he disagrees w/ alot I've said, but I doubt all of it. Likewise I'm sure he agrees w/ some of what others have said. My point wasn't to silence opinions opposite to mine,
I just felt that all the "self-righteousness" and "judging" comments were kind of bold. Especially if you have dirt on you (hence the examples) All sin is the same in the eyes of God...who are we to prioritize them?
I acknowledged what he did was wrong like everyone else(including himself) but I don't think my advice was judgemental. I don't think my disagreements w/ contrasting opinions were judgemental either. I see value in the opinions opposite of my own. I am confident that at least some of my opinions make sense to somebody. The choice is Professors in the end.

...and yes...I DO listen and learn
...and yes I have learned from these differences of opinion
...I did forget to shut up though :p

I agree that emotional cheating is equally dangerous as physical cheating. Using another person to replace your spouse emotionally or devoting all your spare time to someone other than your spouse indicates that there is a serious problem in the marriage. I know that some people think what's the harm, I'm just talking to someone who listens to me. Those people are playing with fire and will get burned.

Re: is it possible to give an OPINION w/o JUDGING?
 

I appreciate this post, believe it or not. Now I see where you are coming from. You are right Professor did not ask for "harsh words." But just to put the shoe on the other foot, the Professor similarly did not say, "when giving your oprions, please sugarcoat them so as not to offend me." I don't know about anyone else, but when someone asks me MY opinion, they had better be prepared to get it, harsh or not. Sometimes the truth just hurts, plain and simple. I don't see the posts as judgmental, nor do I see them as self-righteous. No one on this board has prefaced any post with "Well, since I am free of sin, I will comment." No one has taken a holier-than-thou stance. To the overly-sensitive, the harsh nature of the posts might give that impression. But to those who are firmly planted in reality, it is just the truth.

As far as Professor, it is my opinion that he knew what he wanted to do all along. His only struggle was to acknowledge it.

You are right about the sins. But again, what you have to realize is that this thread is not about anyone else and their sins. It is about Professor, who solicited opinions. Therefore, anyone else's life choices are pretty irrelevant, unless that person should choose to use them as a frame of reference.

TLAW, I am in TOTAL agreement about the emotional cheating thing.

It has been said that women are more emotionally starved than men. Ladies, if you are being neglected, tell your men! As a male, I know how easy it is to make time for everything else than a that quiet time that helps bond with my sweetie.
Biggest marital help? Prayer, followed by commitment.

Is it possible to have friends of the opposite sex?
 

I am curious. If you have a friendship with a female that is similar to your friendships w/ your guys (except she's a female), would that be considered "playing w/ fire?"
Can boundaries be laid and enforced w/ attractive female friends or, is it only cool to be friends w/ unattractive women?

Do women feel threatened by them? I know most men feel threatened by "male" friends cause we know how alot of men "are". Conversely, I know many females who are able to be just friends w/ a guy without having the mentality that if he ever came on to her, she'd sex him. I don't mean to make generalizations, but for the most part this seems to hold true.

Honestly, I wouldn't want to know
 

Honestly, I wouldn't want to know if my man cheated on me. However, this is only true under certain circumstances.
1. It was a ONE time ONLY thing

2. He is truly and sincerely sorry and there is a 0% chance that it will happen againg

3. I will never find out (if it was with someone I knew and/or the chances of me finding out are high, he might as well tell me first, otherwise he can keep it to himself)

The reason why I say this is because if I am with someone and we have a lot together and our relationship is solid outside of this indiscretion I would probably want to work on the relationship. But, I know myself. I am not secure enough yet in my womanhood where I can get past something like cheating. If I found out something like that I would be a pure mess. We could try to work on our relationship, but there is no way it could be repairable. I would want it to work, but I am not big enough of a woman not to think about it or bring it up on occasion. So the incident would be better unsaid if conditions 1-3 could be met. Don't get me wrong I think cheating is wrong, awful, and selfish. However, depending on the situation I would be willing to forgive. This isn't something I would tell my man/boyfriend/husband (I am not going to give anyone a license to cheat on me) but, I would be secretly thinking "if i never know we can be happy". Now if it were a full blown affair (i.e. meeting someone every tuesday at the Holiday Inn) I would want to know, so I can drop him like a hat. I know what I think goes against the grain and I sometimes feel like I shouldn't think like this, but it is the honest truth.

U R not Alone
 

Quote from Optimizim17:

"I would be secretly thinking 'if i never know we can be happy' "
"I know what I think goes against the grain and I sometimes feel like I shouldn't think like this, but it is the honest truth."

I'm glad you were honest enough to admit that.
I guess I'm NOT on Crack or Crazy. :rolleyes:

Your stance is not the most popular, never the less
I doubt you are the only one who thinks like that
(just one of the few who'll admit to it ;) )

Re: Is it possible to have friends of the opposite sex?
 

Playing with fire is when you don't place boundaries around your friends of the opposite sex or when your friends of the opposite sex do not respect your relationship.

Boundaries should be placed on any friend of the opposite sex and isn't reserved for just attractive friends.

You know when you are playing with fire when you start hiding activities that you and your friend do from your significant other.

For example, having lunch with a friend of the opposite sex and the conversation is very general, not sexual and you are not complaining about your significant other is all right. When the conversation turns to sexual topics and you start complaining about your significant other, then you are playing with fire.

Should they "GET OVER IT!?"
 

Many women and especially men are insecure about their partner having ANY type of relationship with the opposite sex. Of course you ALWAYs put your partner FIRST, however, is it fair for them to expect you to sacrafice friendships because of their insecurity?

Would one be wrong to tell their mate to "get over it!"...given the fact that the friendships followed the appropriate boundaries?

male/female friendships
 

It is absolutely possible to just be friends, and have boundaries, but it is hard for men to stick within them. How do I know? I have a lot of guy friends, and I have had to check a couple of them on occassion. When I did, they remembered, lol.

But I do admit that I am not attracted to any of my male friends whatsoever. Not in the slightest. I don't know if I could really be JUST friends with someone I found attractive who also found me attractive because I have tried it in the past and it never works. Tension always messesthings up one way or another.

As for appropriate behavior when in a relationship I think TLAW's suggestion of not doing anything that you would be mad about is a really good one. If your SO has a problem with your friendship with a member of the opposite sex then I guess it all depends on the strength of the frienship v. the strength of the relationship. I would have to take a good look at how I interact with whoever they had a problem with. If I thought they had a point then I would try to accomodate them, but if I felt that they were overreacting I will be damned if I throw away a long-term friendship for someone who can't stand that I have other people who are important to me.

As for this whole judging issue NO ONE HERE said that Professor was bad or a bad man, just that we felt he was making a mistake that really does reflect on his strengths and weaknesses. We just gave our opinions. I really don't care if anyone doesn't like mine, he asked for it.

And as to the whole not being strong enough to want to know that just made me sad. You shouldn't let a romantic relationship define who you are, or how you feel about yourself (outside of a marriage anyway). No man defines you, and if you let one you are just ASKING for trouble, really (men can smell needy a mile away). If you found out that he cheated, would you bblame him or the woman involved? Just curious.

Re: male/female friendships
 

Me personally, I would only blame my EX-MAN. Why? Because he's the one in the relationship. He's the one making the commitment to me, not the other woman. I can't do anything to the other woman, meaning reasoning with her, telling her how I feel, or giving her a beatdown, to make her stop her stank behavior. Her punishment will come when she's emotionally and physically tired of being used and getting the short end of the stick. She'll be ready to change her ways and find Mr. Right but it will be hard because of her past deeds catching up to her.

In regards to not wanting to know it isn't because I just need "a man" to stick around. I believe a person could be in a relationship worth saving (i.e. perhaps married with children). If I were in a relationship worth saving, the only way it could be "saved" is for me not to know. If I knew my mate cheated on me I don't think I could know that information and maintain the relationship. It will probably come to a point where the relationship would have to end.

I would definitely blame him for the cheating. It isn't the woman's responsibility to set boundaries for someone else's relationship. It would be nice if once people knew you were in a committed relationship they would act accordingly. But that's not how it works. Whoever is in the relationship is responsibile for setting the boundaries (even if you have to be mean about it . :mad: folks will try to test your limits)

I have to say that a wise man once told me that if all men lie, then all women deceive; dates back to the garden. So what I'm saying is that we all have the potential to cheat or whatever, but the difference between men and women is that we act without planning and thinking of the consequences...when a woman decides to cheat, she plans things out...she has her story, her alibi, the whole nine.... but this does not change the fact that we all, man or woman, cheat, given the right circumstances

When you make ASSumptions
 

No comment. I was going to say something and just realized that there was no way to say it nicely.

Oh My GOD!
 

OHH Lawd, There's a FEMALE Dexter out there!!

LOL@ CoolBreeze and lovelyivy

Re: Oh My GOD!
 

Are you fine? Cause if so then you might be right! LOL :D

I am LOL @ lovelyivy!

Re: Re: Oh My GOD!
 

Well damn what am I supposed to say? This isn't our forum and he didn't ask for my personal opinion. I figures that just reshowing the message would highlight the major flaws in that oh-so-specious argument.

Question!!!!!
 

If you saw this girl intimately again, would it be another one of your mistakes??????? Are you still in contact with this girl? I sure hope that your fiancee does not frequent GC. Well, you could always say that you were simply trying to spark conversation!:D As for telling her, HELL NAW!!!! I wouldn't tell even if my man walked in on me and sat on the bed and held a conversation. I would swear that he didn't talk to me. He would have to put handcuffs on me and draw blood or pull a string of hair from my head and have it analyzed and even after that I would say that I was drugged or something.:D :D :D :D Don't forget to answer my question; will the next time be a mistake too!:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: ;)

Call me at home and we can talk about it :p

Originally posted by Professor
Constance and her family attended my church on Sunday. My pastor said that we had special guest and asked if I would do the welcome. I talked about how this was a special time of year. A time to celebrate the birth of the living savior. A time to renew old friendships and a time for family. I went on to say that God has been good and that I felt like singing my favorite "To God Be the Glory." I hit every note. Monique, I can sing but I don't really go all out unless it is at a funeral. I had the church on fire. Folk were standing and shouting and I even thought my dad was going to cry. I looked over at my mom and she was dabbing her eye. I felt God's love for me and the love that only parents can give. At this point I was nervous and thought this was going to be the time I have waited for all my life. I thought the Holy Ghost was going to send me running around the church - - - you know how some folk do in church. Well, I've always wanted to know that feeling that is so strong that you pass out as you praise the name of Jesus. Unfortunately, it was not my time. Although now neverous, I testified to my parents and church family that God had blessed me. I went on to talk of times at a low and how his love and forgiveness lifted me. I finally said that there is only one thing that could complete my life - a helpmate ( I got the term from Church Folk). I walked over to Constance and said how she enriched my life and helped me to understand the love that my parents share. I took her by the hand and said that individually each of the three diamonds in my hand is representative of friendship, love and happiness and as my wife I promise a lifetime of all three. I finally said "Will you complete my life and become Mrs. Constance .... Monique she cried and cried and cried. I thought she was going to say no for a minute because she could not stop crying. What really got me is when she placed her hands around my face and kissed me lightly on the lips and said yes. I was HAPPY AND EMBARASSASED at the same time. After all we were in church and I wanted to . . . well you know what I mean. Everyone in church stood and clapped. My parents and her aunts and uncle hugged us. My bad seed Brother was even crying and gave us a hug. I could not have wised for a better way of popping the question. Not bad for a brother that is not considered to be a romantic


Observant you aint' spoke nothing but the truth. I cannot believe you cheated after all your loving posts and after only 4 months of marriage.

My English teacher told me that PURE love is when you 100% think about the other person at all times. What in the world did you wife do to you to make you "weak at the time"? Were you fighting?

I haven't been to GC in a while but DAMN!

Hell Fire - Can we move on. I am not married as of yet. We are stilllllllll plannnnnning what is to be the grandest event in North Carolina.

professor singing - - - - we fall down, but we get up . . .

Hell Fire - Can we move on. I am not married as of yet. We are stilllllllll plannnnnning what is to be the grandest event in North Carolina.

professor singing - - - - we fall down, but we get up . . .



Hey you posted this thread, so don't think it won't come back up for some of us who missed this discussion:)

Like you are doing with your infidelity, deal with it.


QTE

:eek: :eek: :eek: To say I am disappointed is an understatement. I agree with Soror DSTLove's points. My God:( :(

I thought you said months ago that she reads GC?? :confused:

soror
 

I pray that this is a joke and that he and his future wife just wanted our opinions on such a touchy subject.


QTE

WOW. This was SO ARROGANT. Professor, you asked for opinions and that is what you got. As moderator of this forum you had the power to delete this thread, but you chose not too, leaving it OPEN for future posts. If it is brought up to the top every so often, you have no right to complain as long as you choose to keep it open. I truly feel sorry for your FUTURE wife. :(

Not to beat a dead horse, but your attitude totally makes me cringe. I hope that you are working MORE on the marriage than you are the WEDDING. The WEDDING is the public commencement of your life with her. The WEDDING lasts about 45 minutes, give or take. The MARRIAGE is to last until death do you part, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS.

I pray that God blesses your union, I really do but I also pray that YOU ARE READY.

thank you
 

I'd rather have a SMALL wedding and a faithful husband than a GRAND wedding and a cheating mate:(


QTE

Ladies - I guess all you feel the same way. You can forgive but you can't forget. That's why my GC ladyfriends are still giving me hell over this and like most keep bringing it up.

Honestly, I have moved on. It was a bang bang that should not have happened.

And don't feel sorry for my girl. She is still loved by a wonderful man that many women would want to have for a husband.

Sorry but I don't know many women that actually say that they WOULD LOVE to marry a man that they can't trust. And I don't think you're too sure that she would still want to have you for a husband if you told her the truth or else you would have already told her. It'd be one thing if you were the type of man that provided the woman you love with honesty and trust despite your own selfishness. But.....I'm out on that note.

Professor,
Again, I'm not judging you. I don't even know you. I'm merely expressing my opinion about the situation. I would have this same opinion if it were another person.

Um....http://www.plauder-smilies.com/lach.gif

BE FOR REAL!!!

Just a Question and Some Thoughts
 

I was just thinking about this some more and I have a question.

WHAT IF SHE CHEATED ON YOU, would you want to know? Would your love for her be strong enough to overcome her act of indiscretion? Do you believe that GOD is a GOD of second chances and restoration?

There is a book called Temptation by Victoria Christopher Murray(DST) that is spiritual fiction that deals with the husband cheating on his wife with her best friend. PROFESSOR, I want you to read it. Maybe God will speak to you and your situation through this book.

I think that you owe it to Constance, your love for her, your love for God, and the MARRIAGE that you hope to have with her to tell her. You owe it to her to have HONESTY in your marriage. If you are afraid that she will leave you, GOOD but give her the chance to talk to God and have GOD lead the both of you in this marriage. Right now you are being selfish IMO and taking the easy way out. I am sure you have told God about this and have looked to him for forgiveness and he has done that. But doesn't the Bible also teach to go to the person who you have wronged and seek their forgiveness as well.

We ALL fall down and with God's help, we get back up again but it is only when we surrender to him. In this case, I really believe that telling Constance is a step in the right direction of getting back up again.

I think you are a good man but you can be a better man by being real with yourself and God.

Re: Just a Question and Some Thoughts
 

Great post, Soror!!

Again, I thank each of your for various opinions and support. God is a one of second, third, fourth . . . chances and I know him for myself. I have asked that he show me the true desire of my heart and sincerely believe that the choice that I have made is best for me and Constance.

As I strive to be more like Jesus, I encourage each of you to remeber me in your prayers and I will do likewise.

On a final note, I can't say yes or no if I could be forgiving of Constance if she displayed similiar behavior. However, I do know that love does not instantly end when faced with trails. To that end, I would love my Queen just the same!

Ok, here is my take on the situation. I understand no one is perfect.
You cheated...fine
You are sorry...fine
Your bride to be has forgiven you...fine
But why oh why play her out, continue the hurt and disrespect her by posting your business on the web...not fine
Just tacky as hell!

Soror,
He has chosen not to tell her so therefore she has not had the opportunity to forgive him or not. :(