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In her area, if you're an XYZ at XYZ State, then you are on the upper end of the social scale. It doesnt matter a thing about XYZ at any other school. |
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I actually can completely see where the Southern people are coming from...it's just a different culture. Even where I grew up in Southern California it was a HUGE thing to say that your daughter pledged XYZ at USC.
I think her happiness should be the most important thing though. If she isn't capable of getting into XYZ at a campus where it is top tier, would it really be worse off being a GDI? Or having people know that was the chapter you were placed in even though you deactivated? If she is having fun and enjoying it then maybe to her the friendships gained mean more than social reputation. If she isn't the Southern Belle who is going to marry the 6'3" wealthy Plantation Heir who's descended from Confederate generals anyways then who gives a shit? It sounds like her personality and interests doesn't mesh well with the "top tier, born and raised Southern sorority girls" anyways (and that's not a bad thing, although I'm not knocking those girls either) so that's probably not what she's aiming for. Let the girl do her own damn thing. She's clearly not going to be the girl you want her to be for your own reputation, so let her have fun. It sounds like she is. If you were truly that important in the social scene anyways it seems like she would have gotten into the chapter you wanted her in. So maybe it is time for both women to look in the mirror and chase happiness, not social pipe-dreams. |
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BUT, come the fuck on. The entire South DOES NOT LIVE AND DIE BASED ON RUSH RESULTS. I am from the South, bless your heart. Maybe you should consider hanging around people who don't look at rush results as evidence of a person's worth. Look around. There's plenty of us. I just find this whole thing so funny. I mean, here people are bashing this thread, yet they kiss the ass of a mom on here who did the same thing. (Even though she may never cop to it...) |
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For example, here at Arkansas, Phi Delt has alot of Highland Park kids. Kids in high demand for sure. Phi Delt's is one of the better fraternities, but isn't SAE/SX/KE. I would argue that part of the reason that Phi Delt pulls so many high quality kids from HP is because Phi Delt is so very strong SMU. With this, SAE/Phi Gam/Phi Delt do well in rush from Texas because of the strength of those names at Texas schools. Very few of my people from my hometown high school left the state for school. It's unfortunate, but it's true. (to your first question) Furthermore, if you do go out of state then your social standing doesn't really matter...you know? You're sort of that lost child. But if you stay in state, you could climb socially. I understand where she's coming from. She feels like she raised an upstanding woman...if her daughter didn't make it into a top-tiered sorority, she feels like she failed raising her properly. It comes back on the mom. It's like raising a serial killer, you feel like you failed as parents. Sorority rush is the litmus test of proper raising. I sympathize with the situation. |
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If, "bless her heart", this poor girl is doomed already to a miserable post-grad social life because she didn't get into the right sorority then at least let the girl have fun in the chapter that did want her. Everybody will already know where she pledged anyways even if she drops. |
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Wow. Another serious question: So whether you've failed as a parent is determined solely based on recruitment? Lets say that Daughter joins a "lower tier" chapter in college, however she ends up going to a top law school and ends up working for one of the top law firms in NYC (or something equally lucrative). Does a mother STILL feel she failed at raising her? If so, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I have a really hard time wrapping my mind around the whole sorority = LIFE concept, and the fact that women in some areas of the South base their entire lives on the sorority they join in college. |
On the other hand, what happens if that top-tier daughter ends up being a serial killer or something?
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I would say that sorority rush is "A" litmus test, not "the" |
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Maybe your daughter's a big old LEZZZZZZBIAN and has zero interest in going to fraternity mixers!! Welcome to GC :) |
Life is good
I recall hearing a friend of mine from Mississippi say:
"My daughters both pledged Chi Omega, made their debut and married doctors." |
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One point that should be made regarding the OP is that parents, in general, want their children to achieve. And achievement is based on our definition of the word. We want our children to walk, talk in complete sentences at the earliest possible time, potty train with minimal problems, get good grades, make good friends(the right friends), choose a good major, marry a good person, etc. And all of those achievements can be very subjective - just what makes a good person? a good major? etc.
Anyone who has raised children will tell you that this is true - in varying degrees. What most parents come to realize eventually is that finding out what constitutes "good" for your child may differ from another child (even in your own family). Coming to terms with who your child is and what makes them thrive,succeed, satisfied happens to parents at different times. It sounds to me like the OP has not really come to terms with who her daughter is and what actually makes her happy, but it may be happening now as the daughter insists that she is happy with her choice. Add to that the Southern factor (and I know of what she speaks) and you can see how hard it has been for her to realize what is best for her daughter. Here is what she hears back home: "What did Marybeth pledge at State?" ""XYZ. She is really happy with her choice." can be equated with this, "What is Marybeth up to now?" "Marybeth flunked out of college and is working as a cleaning lady at the local dept store. But we are really happy she is happy." Please don't bash. It is fact. I sympathize with her because I know she is dealing with lots of issues - and she needs to work on them for her daughter's sake. This is, no doubt, a good thing for her daughter and she should celebrate it not feel discouraged. I hope it can be a turning point for them both. |
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Whether you're from the north, south, east, west, or anywhere else in the entire world, you should support your child's decisions and leave them be if they're happy. The only way I can see the OP getting involved/needing to be concerned is if this sorority was hazing her daughter, was into heavy drugs/drinking, etc., etc. You get the point. If this is simply a sorority with a smaller chapter and a sparse social calendar, and her daughter is happy, then SHE SHOULD BE HAPPY FOR HER. And that applies no matter which state you live in. |
I am not saying I agree with it but as a Southern girl I am just trying to tell you how so many people in the South feel. My local newspaper lists the rush results for the local girls and it is a big topic of conversation. I go to college in the North and my university has deferred rush. The women in the local Panhell association were bugging my mom to let them know how my rush went so they could put it in the paper. When it was published a lot of her friends called her with congratulations. It was like this was more important than the fact that I was going to a very highly ranked university, only that I made ABC. My mom, by the way, thinks this is so stupid. She didn't care if I joined a sorority or not.
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I expect that the daughter will become very successful in whatever she does, and will be happy. It's absolutely devistating to get cut from your favorites, but D has worked to overcome those obstacles. She will be the fighter in the family. As for bottom tier vs. top tier. When I was in school, there was a chapter (XYZ) who was considered the very bottom tier of all sororities and had the fewest members. A few years after I graduated, they recolonized. Guess what? They are currently one of the top tier sororities at the school. FWIW...two of the girls from that chapter are now doctors; I know of at least one lawyer and two that have their PhDs and do research. Mom, your D is now an Adult and you need to realize that what the daughter wants is not your choice. Give yourself credit for one thing...your daughter finds beauty in things that are not superficial. Many girls this age can't look at the big picture. I would be thrilled to have a daughter like your's. |
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I know in the south that sorority life is the be-all-end-all and thought to be the ticket to society, but it seems like many of these women (people) live in a bubble. What would they do if hubby lost the plantation and they had to move (gasp) to an "unrefined" area of the country where their chapter was considered bottom tier? Of course, most of the rest of the country either doesn't care or realizes that chapters can differ from campus to campus. |
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Okay, 1. What a BITCH comment! 2. When I joined greek life in Fall 2006, my sorority had 22 members and was known at the "Fat Fuzzies", and everyone else had ceiling... Now we have ceiling, and half the other sororities were on probabtion and lost TONS of members. So being small with a bad/no-reputation is not a valid arguement. We have done a 180 in 2 years. 3. My sorority DOES Informal/COBs/What-ever-you-call-it after informal each fall, and we do Spring Informal Recruitment too. And, finally, when we do it this spring it will be invite only instead of open-house, just so we can keep our numbers up and keep girls interested! 4. Its not up to you to tell people whats going on in anyone's life but yours. So butt out of your daughters... If you're ashamed of her chapter, then buck up and act your age! Go to their events, and get to know the girls... They may not have a pristine reputation, but who's to say they're not the sweetest and most loyal girls? And lastly, a commitment WAS made when she signed her bid... How would it feel 3 years from now when she thinks back? "Man, I wish I didn't ruin my only shot at Greek Life because I listened to my bitter mother, who was trying to re-live her life through me..." Delete the post! And get over yourself... Your college years are history, support your daughter through hers! Don't try to change her! If my father or stepmother tried this 2 years ago, I would have stood up for myself and my chapter... Even if I would have been kicked out of my home, whatever... This is uncalled for! Ps. Was your sorority in Panhel? Because if so, I hope you were the worst sister in your chapter. You are an epic fail in the eyes of Greek Life. Learn to be Panhellenic, and swallow your tongue when you think otherwise of ANY other sorority... Whether it's National or Local! |
This whole conversation about "top" and "bottom" tiers was talked about in depth in another thread not too long ago, and I think the whole thing to be ridiculous.
As was mentioned in that thread, SORORITIES ARE DIFFERENT AT EVERY SCHOOL. And besides that, many times, after you graduate, you find out that your sorority is very different from what you may have originally thought. As an alumnae member, you get to travel outside that little bubble that is your college campus, and you have the option to help on a higher level. You find out what your sorority truly does, the magnitude of what they accomplish, and you find out that at that point, no one cares about tiers. It might be different in the south, but guess what, before you know it, this whole thing will start to die down. Your daughter will settle in to her sorority, and she'll be off in her own world. Who knows, maybe she already is. Don't encourage her to drop out of the new member program if she doesn't want to. Let her go. These are the 4 years of her life that will mold and shape her into an adult and the last thing that you want to do is to take away that feeling of belonging that she now has. Especially if it's only because of what your friends might think. The best advice that I can give to any sorority member is to go to Convention! Encourage your daughter to go. Even if it's just one time. I know for me it was an eye-opening experience, and it was the best look I've had into what it truly means to be in a sorority. And there, no one cares where you're from, because you're all sisters, and at that point, that's the only thing that matters. Just remember, the whole point of sorority recruitment is to encourage women to "go GREEK". Not to "join the top tier sorority so that their parents and their friends will approve". |
No one is denying that chapter strengths vary from school to school. Some on here are just trying to point out WHY this mother is feeling the depth of disappointment that she is feeling. Everyone on GC knows that sorority life is much more than the collegiate years, and I imagine that mom does too. The fact remains that she is dealing with a situation that many others cannot relate to because they don't know the local culture. She came to GC from that mentality and thought she would find others who understood her situation. Some do, some don't. I admit, it is hard to wrap your brain around - but it is a fact.
I do believe that she has taken many of the comments on here to heart (per some of her other posts) and is working on accepting her(the mom's) flaws and trying to be the mom she needs to be for her daughter. (at least I can hope!) |
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I didn't check in all weekend, but after reading the OP and subsequent posts, I think this is a hoax. I mean come on, what mom would post that? If there is someone who actually would put in writing on the internet those personal and painful feelings (to both her and her daughter), I'll eat my hat... I live in the south, in a very competitive area, where the first question at mom's happy hours in September is, "Where did your daughter/son pledge?" Very often, the story that is told is about a sad rush experience (not everyone's kid is going to pledge a "top house"), and NOONE is judgemental. Noone tsks and speaks behind the back of the mom that she didn't raise Susie Q well enough to get in XYZ. This is ridiculous and a total charicature of a heli-southern-mom. |
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You know, my son just rushed at Ole Miss, and being from out of state and knowing no one there, had no idea how it worked in Oxford. My fraternity has a chapter there and didn't invite him back for Saturday's pref party and I was disappointed....until I started reading here about how Rush works at Ole Miss. He got a bid on Sunday and accepted to a fraternity. I'm now totally thrilled for him because he is happy. In the end, that is all that matters.
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Like, murder serious. |
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oh its already been brought...
hehe. on a more serious note, if a parent is likening their child's "failure" at sorority recruitment to "failing a parent", then yes, I have to agree with them. If they are THAT concerned with recruitment results and would rather see their child unhappy, then yes, they have failed as a parent. |
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I don't have the time, nor do I care enough about GC to make a sockpuppet. Plus mine would be substantially funnier and far more offensive if I were to ever make one. |
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Agreed. I just have a hard time believing that people in the South are just THAT stuck on rush results that having a daughter in a "lower tier" sorority is akin to raising Jeffrey Dahmer. Yes I know that there are moms who are very concerned with having their daughters join certain sororities, but this seems like a bit of a stretch. |
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