Thanks! I like this way of thinking! I really don't want it to be a big deal (until next year anyway)and I'm happy with having both but I'm agonizing over the little details while J only sees the big picture (we compliment each other so well!) I really appreciate all the suggestions :)

GEN Alum was single for a year after he graduated as I had another year left in college. He roomed with 2 other butterbar classmates who also were engaged to college seniors. Both roomies had fiancees in other states and ended up getting "secretly" married in civil ceremonies as well as church ceremonies later on. AFAIK, the parents and families never knew. For one spouse, it was a good thing they had the earlier date as a legality as the guy ended up having a midlife affair just over his 20-year mark and leaving her and the 3 kids. :( She was eligible for the benefits under the 20-20-20 rule as opposed to only being married 19 years of the active-duty years so she wasn't left quite as high and dry. It didn't help her completely but it was better than nothing.

You know what? There is no rule you can't wear a big white dress to a courthouse.

Alum, I think in "our day" it was easier to hide b/c computers weren't invented yet (in the sense they all talk to each other) so you could get married in NY and then have a big wedding in another state. We filed our own paperwork with the county in CO but now I've heard the minister etc. files it. If I were going to do a secret wedding, I'd do it across state lines in case they print it in the local papers. (and pick a town with no friends/relatives).

For what it's worth, it is more important to work on your MARRIAGE than that huge shindig IMHO. My husband and I did what we did because my mother had a lapse of psychosis once my now husband proposed to me. She wanted all this fanciful affair with crazy lunacy, then move it to where my grandmother lives. And to tell you the truth, my husband and I did not want all that...

What I was hoping for was a Las Vegas Chapel of Happiness wedding with a Black Elvis and motown singers to walk me down the aisle with sheebop, doowah... Welp, did not get that... And my husband is too introverted to do something that wild...

What we wound up doing, is the JP. Then something respectable for the families--but that was a big mistake overall. The issue was if I did it in my hometown, there'd be fools that would show up randomly uninvited. My husband moved around, so his hometownage is unclear. And because I did not know anyone where we current reside, locations, nice places, dresses, flowers were too difficult...

Do I regret the way we did it. Hayle no. It's a story of a lifetime. And yeah, the second thing could have been done a better way, but welp, you live and learn. If we last to our Golden where we'd be in our 80's, let's have the shindig on the moon, then!!!

I'm sure you're right about the technology issue. Both official weddings did not take place in the state where the civil ceremonies occurred for these couples.

If you do go ahead and get married now with a big ceremony later, do not wait until later to change your name. There are time limits on that (which vary depending on where you are and which particular agency you're dealing with --- since there are only about a hundred places you have to change it, and they all have different rules and requirements ...). If you wait too long, you'll have to go to court for a legal name change, instead of getting to do it the "easy" way.

I didn't even think about that, I just heard it's easy if it's for marriage reasons. Thanks!! :)

I think I'm just trying to find a happy medium of not making this a bigger deal than it is but also recognizing this as the real wedding it will be. He's ok with doing rings, name changing, etc. but I think he'd rather downplay some of that stuff if possible and make it more about the paperwork and if the name change stuff is easier done right away, then by all means I'll make it easier on myself.

You can always legally change your name but still go by your maiden name socially. (Plenty of people have their legal name changed but still use their maiden name for a business persona or some other such thing.)

Am I the only one getting the 'red flag' when the OP says the groom-to-be is just going to consider the civil ceremony "only papers"??? :confused:

Are you getting married because you love each other and want a real marriage, or because his health benefits are nice and he gets more $?

The civil ceremony is more about paperwork for us. We're not even exchanging rings. Our "real" wedding will be next year, when we can share it with friends, family, and God. If it were up to us, J wouldn't be deployed and we could do things the more traditional way but the military has a funny way of changing your plans for you. Also, why not take advantage of the benefits this would afford us?

Besides, I know I love my man, I wouldn't be marrying him if I didn't. :rolleyes:

Yep, everyone's initial impressions on this thread were right. You want the big white wedding more than a marriage.

As has been said above, sometimes life doesn't work out the way you plan on it.

Since the "marriage" is just going to be paperwork and mean nothing else to either of you, the "wedding" is just going to be a big party where you're the star.

(yes, it's harsh but you've put this situation out for public comment).

He's going to be deployed. That makes things a little different. It's not like he is going on an extended business trip and leaving her at home - or like they are eloping - he's going to fricking WAR. I'm sure that carnation and DeltAlum can think of LOTS of situations during Vietnam that were similar.

I think that the "only papers" comment is being blown out of proportion - I'm sure I would say things that weren't spot on perfect too, if I were going into a situation like he is.

What christiangirl described sounds perfect. Just put on your invite "SthrnZta & SthrnZta sweetie invite you to a celebration of love as they renew their wedding vows." I would NOT hide or cover it up the fact that legally speaking, you are man and wife.

I'm not sure I understand why so many people feel this is an either/or situation. Why can't you want a big white wedding and a marriage??

My husband isn't in the military, but for us, honestly, the paperwork was just that - paperwork. It was necessary, official stuff, but hardly anything exciting or emotionally meaningful. The wedding was a party we put on for our family and friends, telling them they were all stuck with the two of us being together. The marriage itself (our commitment to one another and our life together) is really essentially unrelated to either the paperwork or the wedding - those were just outward signs of it, one boring and one fun.

After all the debates in the gay marriage thread, it's clear that some marriages are civil unions and some are religious covenants. It seems to me like they are considering the courthouse ceremony a civil union and the ceremony to follow as the religious covenant.