You're absolutely right in that if you marry someone that they are now you're new family and that your husband/wife should be your first priority. But, I wouldn't exactly call your parents your second priority. They're still extremely important although you obviously have a different relationship with your parents than you do with your spouse. :) Maybe I think that way because I come from a very close-knit family (I suspect you do, too).
Maybe the reason she's not calling you isn't because she still thinks she's right. Maybe it's because she's afraid of how you'll react to her. She's obviously already hurting. If she calls you and you completely blow her off, she'll feel twice as hurt. You came out your argument as the angrier one so I'm guessing she's hoping you'll cool off and then maybe call her.
I doubt that she'll tell you that she will never listen to her mother again. If she does tell you that, she's lying. ;) What if you all compromised on something?
What if you made a deal that if she says something to the effect of, "Well, my mother thinks that I should blah, blah, blah" that you will call her out on it and she has to stop right then? If she says, "My mom feels this way". Say to her, "How do you feel?" The answer could be different.
I know I PMed you about this. Many women tend to have a very close relationship with their mothers. Unfortunately, a lot of girls take their mom's advice as the gospel word. She just needs to learn how to trust her own instincts rather than her mother's. Obviously, things were working out fine before her mom decided to throw in her 2 cents.
I can tell you still love her a lot. You wouldn't have come on here asking for advice about what to do if you weren't really considering calling her and getting back together. And, I have to admit, I'm biased in that I hope you guys get back together since she's my chapter sister and I hope she ends up happy. :) At the same time, you need to ask yourself if you really think you can find someone else that has made you as happy as she has or if you could see yourself in another relationship and not compare your new girlfriend to Miss Cashmoney.
But, if you really think there is no way things will work out and that she will just keep on listening to her mother, don't get back together with her. Just make sure the decision you make is made in a thought out process rather than out of anger for what she did.

ETA:
You probably shouldn't have called her mom a selfish, unhappy bitch. ;)

Laying it down for yah...
 

Sweetheart--

This time in your life is going to be tough for you... Over time, it will improve to something...

Either way, BOTH of you made the CHOICE to be together...

BOTH of you made the CHOICE to end it...

Your reasons are valid. "Let no one put asunder..."

But her reasons are valid, too...

Allow me to break it down for you:

Both of you are probably too young to really THINK about being married.

For her, she hasn't let go of the "umbilical cord".

For you, Honey, you've got some anger management issues... What you are doing is tryin' to ante up chit on your girl's table--when you OUTTA be goin' skrait up to that Mama and MAKE those statements to her point blank...

Y'all been done had needed some time to think about WHO YOU ARE, WHERE YOU STAND ON THINGS IN LIFE and WHO CAN FIT INTO YOUR REALM OF REALITY!!! It's like y'all SKIPPED the getting-you-to-know-you phase and jumped into the engagement phase... Honey, Marriage is an ADULT SWIM... You be best to know what you want waaayyy before you jump into the deep end with full on freestyles under 1:30 minutes...

Meaning--you both are too immature to handle the nature of a FULLY ADULT maritial relationship--at least with EACH OTHER...

You told your girlfriend that she would have no need to worry about you and call about you if y'all broke up from JUMP??? WTH??? When y'all JUST STARTED DATING??? Honey... That's harsh... Too domineering--too demanding...

Who do you think she is gonna trust more? You? The man she has known for I dunno how long--a year at least? Or her Mother, the woman that had dayum near changed her shitty assed diapers for ALL HER LIFE??? Regardless of WHAT YOU THINK OR SAY, her Mother reigns--trumphs over you ANYTIME, ANYDAY in her reality of thinking...

Making your EX much more immature in her little life to be thinking you and her can fathom the reality of marriage...

Basically, y'all won't have no honeymoon... Y'all won't start off on any good foot--no matter how much money you are willing to pony up... Because, this chicky ain't feelin' hearin' nor heedin' your words over her Mama's... She ain't EVA gonna SURRENDER herself to you... PERIOD... Especially, not now...

Then, what's this "head of household" chit I'm hearing from you? How are gonna dictate WHAT SHE SAYS OR WHAT THE NATURE OF HER RELATIONSHIP IS TO HER FAMILY??? Believe me, you CANNOT be a SOLE PROVIDER into her heart... AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN--YOU EITHER FIT INTO THE GAMEPLAN OR YOU DON'T. THAT IS HER LIFE... RESTRICTING HER COULD ESCALATE INTO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE--AND IT WILL BE YOUR OWN FAULT...

You need a WOMAN... NOT a little GIRL--which she is with this princess fairytale belief of life... Cuz are you REALLY a prince charming on a white horse that will take this girl off into the sunset to live happily ever after??? I don't think so--you are probably a nice, hard working fellow just being a squirrel tryin' to get a nut... Which is cool for most women...

But this girl wants a fairy tale reality that you can't give her... She wants a fairytale her Mama put into her head a LOOOONNNNNGGGG time ago in a galaxy FAR, FAR AWAY... And you will constantly be fighting HERSTORY--rather than living in reality, together...

So, on that note--like all the other folks said... Put her on the DO NOT CALL LIST... BLOCK HER CALLS... DO NOT SPEAK TO HER FRIENDS...

But if homegirl gets the guts to show up at your front door to NOT return the ring, but tries to mend things, you need to take her to get some coffee--a public place, and explain to her under no specific circumstances will you NEVER have your heart broken like you did this FINAL time... She needs to grow up AND she needs to move on... 'Cuz really, you ain't the ONE for her...

And I tell yah, the Mama is chiming in all day long with SATISFACTION!!! Saying chit like "the no good _____". Look like how he is to you??? WTF??? He's a no good _____...

Your EX needs to know that Mama needs to stay out of grown folks biz ness...

I could go ON AND ON... But, if you want to recover from this with more of an insightful knowledge about yourself and move on, then you can PM me if you'd like to ask questions... Your issues deal with the soul and the spirit. Been there, done that and GOT a HUGE, BIG OL FAT T-shirt for all the luser assed relationships I've been in BEFORE I GOT married to the BEST MAN EVER IN MY LIFE!!!

cashmoney- i sent you a pm

Do the human thing ......call her and say hey were not getting back together, make it clear, but tell her she needs to get on with her life and stop hoping for something that will never happen. Tell her you are concerned for her health and tell her maybe she needs t o get some help for it but to try and move on for her sake.

I wouldn't call her.

You don't need reasons from me why.

Re: Laying it down for yah...
 

Damn, you make me feel like I'm some bad person here. I'm the fucking victim. I wasn't being domineering. I wasnt trying to turn her against her mom. Besides, who the fuck are you to tell me I'm too young to be thinking about getting married? I'm almost 25 fucking years old. How old are you? And to set the record straight, I was the one who walked out. She didnt choose to end anything.....I did.

I don't have anger issues. I've tried to talk to her mom. You know what her mom said to her when she found out I tried to get a hold of her to come have a talk with her face to face??? She told her to tell me that she (her mom) was CRAZY and that coming and talking to her wasnt in my best interest.

As far as the get to know you phase, we did that. She knows more about me than my own parents, and my family and I are pretty fucking close. And I wasnt trying to dictate her relationship to her family at all.....thats why I fucking left. Her entire family, including extended, loves me. Its just her mother who doesnt like me. Her dad tells me I'm like his son. And domestic violence?? WTF are you talking aboout? I've never hit a chick in my life, never even came close to it.

And just to add....I'm not trying to recover from this. I don't feel bad about anything. What the hell do you mean by me recover? I know myself, there isnt any insight I need in regards to knowing myself.


:mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

Nic, you're amazing. Thanks for the advice. ;) I think you're right in more ways than you know. My thing is when someone really close to me, like her, breaks the trust factor.....thats it. Most of the time they don't get it back. And if they do get my trust back, it's really hard if not impossible. Thats why i don't think things could ever be right between her mother and I. I know she talks shit behind my back all the time but then is nice to me to my face. Imagine if we had kids, which she totally wanted really soon, and think of the kind of situation that would leave me in when it'd be time for them to go see/stay with her mother. I wouldn't want my kids being around a grandmother who talks bad about their father and thinks he isnt good enough for her daughter. The woman would fuck me over in a heartbeat. How could anyone have a mother-in-law like that and be expected to act like everything was fine or should live with it? Would any of you? Maybe I'm just overreacting, I was in 2 car accidents in a week after all this happened. I might be a little stressed out right now...but still, do you think I have valid reasons for being the way I am as far as dealing with this?

A friend of mine had a MIL like that. She was very sweet outwardly, but you could tell she didn't think this girl was good enough for her baby boy - and if she was a proper wife her darling son wouldn't have all these probs and yadda yadda. She's now an ex-MIL. She wasn't the main cause, but she sure as hell didn't help the situation.

I totally agree. Because that's what she's going to think is going to happen if you call her, no matter why you are doing it. No contact is the best way to go in matters like this, although it is tough.

Good thoughts going out to you.

I'd agree with you if missexcashmoney was emotionally stable. I suspect if he were to do that, she'd spin it to her advantage with her family and friends. Her friends called to give him a guilt trip and they succeeded.

Cashmoney had every right to walk away when he was getting treated the way he was. When you marry you don't just marry the person. You marry the immediate family. Why should he continue to expose himself to such a toxic environment?. He's not the one who decided to play games in the relationship. She gambled and she lost. It's that simple.

As for her mother's influence, she was raised in a toxic situation. It's up to her whether she chooses to follow in mama's footsteps or not. It's unfortunate that she's lost her job after the breakup but it's not his fault. Even if they were to move to the opposite coast together the problems would still be there. He can't change her and any ultimatums he'd demand would be pointless. They would be a temporary fix to a larger problem. Unless she wants to get help for herself no one is going to do it for her. I agree with whoever said that her friends will be there for her.

Breakups suck no doubt about that. You can't rush the healing process. In a world of instant everything, it's one of the few things that has to run its course. If you start dating anyone now it would be a rebound relationship.

Cashmoney be glad the only thing you have to deal with is the loss of the engagement ring. It took have been worse. Take care of yourself. Avoid all contact with her. Get her out of your system before you start dating again.

You absolutely have a valid reason for dealing with situation the way you have. Luckily, I've never been in your place before because all my boyfriend's parents have loved me. :D I may not be the best person to give advice as to what to do about crazy in-laws. I do know there's a certain moderator on here that has crazy in-laws and she might be willing to share her stories and opinions. I'm hoping she's reading this thread.

Ask her to hit me up.

Run cashmoney, run.

Re: Re: Laying it down for yah...
 

Look Mr., I gonna give the benefit of the doubt of NOT doing a search on me and seeing what I am about, 'cuz everybody up in this GC knows who I am and where I stand. And although they may, and often do disagree with me, they do it respectfully... If not, they do get clowned by me.

First off, I am 36 years old AND I am married--just to let you know.

No Sweetheart, YOU ARE NOT THE BAD PERSON HERE!!! If you can read my post, then you can understand that you just don't start ANY relationship with, "Don't call me if we break up, 'cuz I won't be around" when you FIRST start dating...

The way YOU had explained it, you started off with the PRESUMPTION of a your relationship with this "TEENAGER" on a RESTRICTION... A LOVING MARITIAL relationship ought to be OPEN for EXPLORATION--not a guarded to protect yourself from exposing all your faults. That's the issue with LOVE, you DO leave yourself wide open to others...

And the FACT that you JUST stated YOU WALKED OUT--NEVER ALLOWING HER TO DEFEND HER ACTIONS--clearly states that you gave yourself an "OPT-OUT" clause from the beginning of the relationship. You already had it in YOUR mind that if your relationship failed--it will ALL be the OTHER person's fault--not yours--the classic "POOR ME"... Well, Sweetheart, it takes 2 to tango... And the least you COULD have done is allow the girl a chance--But it sounds like you CHOSE to blindside her... I don't give a DAYUM about THAT MOTHER... YOU CHOPPED Gwirlfriend's whole princess fairytale up, like Freddy Krueger, without giving her a chance... You basically said, I'm out... I'm sorry, but for someone you are about to marry, do you think that was the wisest of choices? What other times will you walk out on someone you "allegedly" love?

My point EXACTLY--this girl WAS NOT READY TO BE IN ANY MARITIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE!!! REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO OR SAY TO THAT MOTHER!!!

The FACT that you said she knows more about you than her outta to TELL you that 1) She doesn't even KNOW who she is or 2) She's hiding some secret about herself... I gather it is the first one... Since she doesn't know what she wants, how in the JESUS CHRIST HAYLE DO YOU THINK YOU CAN TELL THIS "TEENAGER" TO TELL HER MOTHER TO BACK THE FCUK OFF??? HOW??? That is what I mean with dictating her familial relationship... For all you know, HER MOTHER IS HER FAMILIAL RELATIONSHIP!!! Pops don't care, and doesn't even want to know--look at his inaction...

And believe me, getting this "teenager" to go against her mother can BE misconstrued as DOMESTIC VIOLENCE... If you go to all the Domestic Violence websites, you will OBVIOUSLY see that VERBAL ABUSE is the NUMBER ONE on the start to this type of violence... WORDS hit harder than a fist...

And if how you have reacted to me is any indication of how you chose to break up with this "teenager", then, I am telling you, you are being VERBALLY ABUSIVE... But, fortunately, for me, I can take it... Bring in on in my books... But, do you think your EX could take it??? (In fact, all your posts are not well dictated, but that's my opinion)...

The FACT that you break up with this "teenager" without giving her a CHANCE to defend herself with her THOUGHTS goes to show that you are doing some sort of "reward and punishment" tactic. You can think I am full of isht, but that is what some counselors will call it if you speak to them...

Really, now??? Okay, Honey... Good luck on your next relationship... Guess you know how to handle it... Guess you way is right and you know what to do... So why are you bitching and moaning about this break up??? Why is it hurting you tremendously??? Because you have invested too much of YOURSELF into it??? Should a MARITIAL RELATIONSHIP BE BASED ON HOW MUCH TIME AND MONEY YOU PUT INTO IT??? I dunno??? 'Cuz, I don't based my marriage on money...

But I do know relationships and have been in PLENTY of bad ones to understand the role I played in them so that I could move up, be a better person and move on to my husband--an exceptional MAN that I have eva known other than my father and grandfather...

I also do know that calling her under ANY circumstances because of the way you chose to leave this "teenager" and the length in time you "gave up on her" ain't gonna beneficial to you, with this MIL issue looming over you all... I can tell that by the way you made your "ignorant" comments to me... All I can ask is, "what nerve did I hit?" Or rather--DENIAL AIN'T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT...

You played some role in this relationship, too... You ALLOWED it to end in some fashion... Your reasons are your reasons. And if you have to "save face--or save your dignity" to feel "justified" in your actions with ending your relationship with some teenaged girl that you were ABOUT TO DAYUM NEAR MARRY WITH RESOLUTE ANGER AND RESENTMENT--that OBVIOUSLY TELLS ME (and some other people) that you ain't ready to be married, or possibly you ain't ready to be married to this girl...

At the very, you should have cheated on girlfriend to give her justification as to why you ain't gonna marry her... That is why she is falling apart, 'cuz you ENDED IT WITHOUT PROVACATION--why, cuz of her DAYUM MOTHER??? I'm sorry, that is an EXCUSE on your part... Why should you get along with that mother??? Why do you care--really? And if you truly did love this girl to what to marry her, would grounds a break-up be due to that crazy-assed mother? You should have been man enough to either quiet your trap and take it from the bitch, or speak up when you had the chance... But you CHOSE to PUNK OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP... And that's what is lame on your part... AND THERE IS NO RECOVERY FROM YOU FUBAR OF THIS RELATIONSHIP--YOU WALKED OUT... YOU CHOSE TO DO IT FROM THE GET-GO--YOU LITTLE _____... (and that is EXACTLY what the mother is telling that daughter of hers...)

Either way, good luck of your pursuit...

And I am out of this mess... No mo' comments from me trying to be helpful... And if my way ain't right for you, then hey--I apologize... But you are whining and complaining about something you got "yo'sef pizz-layed" right into...

My advice would be not to call her, unless you want to work on the relationship. If you call just to tell her get control of herself that might easily be taken as a desire to rekindle the relationship.

As far as the meddling mother in law--- I can atest, from personal experience, it is hell on a relationship!!! My mom is the one who thinks my husband is not good enough for me. There is constant tension. And while my mother refrains from saying anything bad in front of our kids, she constantly questions everything my husband says.

In my position it is rough, there is my mom on one hand--the woman that single handedly raised me--and then there is my husband whom I chose to marry and have kids with. I get it from both sides. If you are going to be in a marriage with the stress of the mother in law-- you must have a wife that is strong enough to stand up to her mother. As a mother she should support her daughter in the decisions she makes, not add fuel to the fire. There have been many loud, heated battles with my mom regarding my husband.

It is not a good place to be in. You have to do what is best for yourself. A marriage full of arguments and stress from her mother is not a good way to start a marriage. You will have enough stress on your own, you don't need someone adding to that.

Good luck--- and once again, unless you want to her to misread your intentions with a phone call-- don't call!

-wendi