oh my...i used to think that i was not faint of heart but i may have to take that back now...

and I am officially extremely sick to my stomach. EW

Q:what's the easiest way to bump off a homeless person?

A: slam the toilet seat on his head while he's quenching his thirst

I totally agree... EWWWWWWWWWWWW

What does it mean when the Post Office flies the flag at half staff?


They're hiring....


(I'm so sorry....:p )

heard another good one:

a mexican was getting ready to become an american citizen. in order for him to pass his citizenship test he needed to take an english course.
on the day of his exam, the official asks the mexican to use the words "green, pink, and yellow" in a sentence.
the mexican thinks for a bit and then says:

"well, the telephone goes 'green green' i pink it up and say 'Yellow?'"


it sounds better with an accent... just imagine it k ;)

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


To a different bar.....


(boooo)

1. yo mama so fat, she cant even jump to a conclusion
2. yo mama so fat, her cereal bowl has its own lifeguard
3. you mama so fat, when she turns around, she gets a welcome back party
4. yo mama so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to take two trips
5. yo mama so fat, her ass has its own congressmen


When a couple went to bed, the husband wanted to read a book. As the wife was trying to sleep, she felt her husband start founding with her vagina. When he stopped, she sat up to take off her clothes. Her husband asked, "What are you doing?"
The wife said, "Dont you want to do some foreplay?"
The husband, "No, I just wanted to get my fingers moist to turn the pages."


A man walks into the doctor.
The man- " Doc, I need you to take a look at my penis"
The Doctor- "Alright, just hop on the bed and take it out. I will have a look at it.
The man unzips his pants and takes out his 12 inch penis.
The doctor- "Well, I dont see anything worng with it. It looks perfectly healthy."
The man- "I know. But isnt it a beauty!"

:p :p

What do peacocks have sex with?

Peacunts.

LESS OFFENSIVE
 

here are some better jokes.


this deaf couple are having trouble communicating when they go to bed, so one night, before they turn off the lights, the woman signs to her man "if you want to make love tonight, squeeze my left breast once, if you do not want to make love, squeeze my right breast twice." the man signs back, "ok, if you want to make love, stroke my penis once, if you do not want to make love, stroke it 150 times"


this old man walks into a doctor's office and says to the receptionist, "i need to see the doctor right away, something is wrong with my penis." the receptionist gets all embarassed at how open the man is and replies, "sir, don't you think you are a little too open? lets try this again, but instead of the word penis, say ear." the man leaves the office only to return right away and goes to the receptionist and says, "ma'am, there is something wrong with my ear, i need to see a doctor right away." the receptionist says "ok, what is wrong?" the man replies, "i can't piss out of it!"


a little better?

Mary Jane and Dirty Ernie
 

Mary Jane was walking down the street when a man pulled her into a dark alley and started ripping off all her clothes. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed; she knew her clothes wouldn't fit him.

Mary Jane was in the theater when a man sat down and stuck his hand down her blouse. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed. She knew she kept her money in her shoe.

Dirty Ernie's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off.
He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Dirty Ernie says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them life savers. First she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, "cherry!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next she gave them a white one and they thought about it and finally one kid said, "peppermint?" "excellent," said the teacher.
Finally she gave them honey- flavored brown ones. They tasted the life saver, but could not name the flavor. "I'll give you a clue. It's something that your mommy calls your daddy" said the teacher.
Suddenly , Dirty Ernie shouted, "Quick ,spit them out ! They're ass holes!"

My FIRST and all time fav Dirty Ernie joke.
One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started with 'A'.
Dirty Ernie was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said bad things.
She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple".
"Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Ernie was waving his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead.
"Butterfly."
"Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Ernie was almost having a seizure he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what Ernie would say.
"Caterpillar."
"Great job, Billy!"
She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Ernie. When she got to 'R', Ernie was the only child waving his arm. She thought to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with 'R' so she said, "OK Ernie, give me a word that starts with 'R' ."
Ernie stood up straight, smiled and yelled, "RATS Teacher RATS!!!! BIG F*#KING RATS WITH D!*KS THIS F#*KING LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Just for good measure-
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Moral of the story: Never lie to girls.

Re: bad jokes
 

Re: Re: bad jokes
 

sweetie, title of the thread is "put your offensive or sick joke here (not for the faint of hearted)" so thats just what he did..don't post that you are offended because its redundant, if you are offended then he fulfilled the request of the thread. personally, i read the first joke and it made he sick so i skipped the rest of them, i suggest you should have done the same. now please, stop looking for something to complain about.

Re: Re: Re: bad jokes
 

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