Re: Re: don't read too much into it
 

Well said.

That is what I am saying. In life you can't have every and any thing you want.

As my fiance says, "if something is worth having, then it is worth working hard for".

And so true about women. We (or at least I am ) are more prone to become attracted to someone because of their personality more than just for looks. It could be just as hard or even harder to turn away someone that you start to have feelings for. But as soon as you know you are starting to feel that way, then that is when you don't need to be around that person anymore.

On another note, a caller to Dr. Laura (love her) said that her husband had to go on a three hour business trip by car with a woman. Dr. Laura said that her husband should rent his own car or drive his own car but should not ride in the car with this other woman. Now most people in this warped day and age would say it's not the serious because it's for work but once Dr. Laura broke it down, I definitely agreed. She said that once the husband and other woman would be in the car, the conversation would probably naturally shift from work to personal things (which is understandable). She then said that as the husband and woman may start to relax, laugh, talk about life, their lives, etc., then there is the possibility that they will start to view each other in a different manner other than work related (which is all they should be viewing each other as). Her point was maybe that wouldn't happen but maybe it would. Why take the chance if it could risk your marriage? And I couldn't agree more.

See this is why I keep saying don't put yourself in potential inappropriate situations.

Another thing, before anyone starts that lame argument about "we all do wrong, blah, blah, blah", let me bust that up right now. Yes, we all do wrong and will always do wrong. We are humans. However, why not try eliminate as many wrong things as possible as often as possible. Since we all do wrong, then I should just stop working, become a hooker, drug addict, alcoholic, child abuser, thief, etc. because since we all do wrong, it doesn't matter what I do, right? Wrong. If I was doing all those things, then shouldn't I try to stop doing at least one of them? You have to start somewhere, you know. The only way I can start to become a better person is if I try to eliminate as many bad things as possible. Sure I will keep falling along the way (I am human) but should I stop trying to become better because we all do wrong. When people say "we all do wrong", how does everyone else doing wrong justify me doing wrong? I never understood this argument :rolleyes:.

It's like the song "We fall down, but we get up" except people want to fall down and then justify why it's okay not to try and get back up :rolleyes: !!

Kind of a tangent, I know. But I just wanted to put that out before that even got started :p ;) !!

NOW WHAT?
 

I think it has been made plainly clear by DSTlove and other that cheating is wrong...and yes there are a lot of factors that play into why a person may cheat.

I agree whole-heartedly with DSTlove PREVENTION IS KEY!!!! The deed has been done. So now what? Should Professor keep it to himself (they say what you don't know can't hurt you) or should he fess up? This is a sticky situation what do you all suggest.

Re: NOW WHAT?
 

STRICTLY from viewing these posts, Professor seems to have a conscience that is gonna force him to tell. Professor, if you don't tell, is it gonna fester inside and agitate you so much that you will be visibly stressed? If so, you might as well tell and save yourself (and your wife) the trauma: you of having so much internal strife, and your wife of playing the guessing game and wondering if SHE is doing something wrong.

If, however, your conscience is a little less developed and you can get past this indescretion, I would say do NOT tell. I know I may be alone on this one, but I would really weigh the options. You said that as of now, your marriage is going pretty well. I personally would recommend getting past your EXTREMELY poor judgment call, and working on building your relationship with your wife even further. In addition, you need to use your situation as a learning tool. DST LOVE, what can I say, all of your posts have been on point. Professor, understand that if you are so weak as to fall prey to a female's seduction, then you should avoid any and all similar situations from now on. Do not try to shift blame away from yourself. Take this "L" and move on. I seriously doubt that the young woman you cheated with held the proverbial gun to your head. Realize that, as a man, your SELF control is lacking. Use your newfound knowledge of this to improve yourself in the future.

Re: NOW WHAT?
 

Whether or not you decide to tell, for every action there's a reaction. I'm a firm believer in that whatever you do negatively/positively will come back to you in the same fashion. Now it may not be in the form of your fiance' cheating on you, but some form of negativity will happen causing you pain and suffering.

Me personally, I would want to know because I feel as though I (not YOU) should have the right to decide whether or not I would want to continue the relationship. Like DST_Love said, it was his selfishness that got him into this situation, so don't let that selfishness control the rest of your actions. Lord knows what may happen then.

To Professor: Don't know what I'd do man, just being honest. Easy as it is to say tell her, I could see how that would be hard. Don't mean to say "you shouldn't have" more than once, but... dang. I don't envy you.

what she don't know woun't hurt her
 

for Godsake DON'T TELL. Use your big head and not your heart...
this isn't TV! Doing the "right thing" will do NOTHING!

Let me tell you what will happen if you confess:
1) You will emotionally SCAR her forever!
2) Even if she forgives you, she'll NEVER "forgive" you
3) The fire she has for you will die and never be as bright
4) She will bring this up and rub it in your face FOREVER
5) She may GET EVEN
6) She'll NEVER trust you again....NEVER
7) The word will get out and embarrass BOTH of you
8) She may leave you

What in the world do you or HER have to gain by confession?
1) Integrity...knowing you did the right thing(kudos)
2) You were honest with her (kudos)
3) Did I mention you did the right thing?

The so-called "right thing to do" is not always the "smarted" and in the end...woun't do anything but destroy your world and hers.

for HER mental and emotional well-being...don't put her thru the PAIN of the truth....believe me...she will never heal...even if she leaves you, she will have mad "issues" with her next man...and we've all dated a woman with issues (I hear Badu...Bag lady...you gon hurt you back...draggin all dem bags like that)

I know you feel bad and are hurting now, but believe me...you will feel WORSE if shit hits the fan...this will negatively impact her work, school, kids, family, etc....why cause all this unecessary grief? You've done enuf all ready.

Focus your guilt on NEVER doing this again. Telling her will not alleviate your guilt...it will make you and HER feel worse cause she'll rub it in your face DAILY (trust me I know)

...just givin you the real...Think about it....theirs not a woman or man who will refute the outcomes I've predicted.

..Be smart...don't be mislead by your heart

hurt = hurt
 

...and another thing...some may say if you don't tell now,and she finds out later...it will be worse.....that's B.S!
hurt = hurt. Sure she'll say she wish you would have told her and that she is hurt more now that you didn't. But she would just be saying that out of pain. Lets look at this thing LOGICALLY. What Worse thing could she possibly go thru or put you thru now, then later? If you tell her, or she finds out thru the grapevine...the same outcomes I listed before would happen. So nothing will be lost if she finds out on her own. She'd probably say some emotional shit like "I'd have had more respect for you if YOU told me and I didn't find out like this" WHATEVER...you think she would have respect for someone who cheated on her anyway? Once you cheat, you've lost her respect...so don't fall for that.
Say she finds out 2 months from now. You've actually done her a favor by not telling. You've SAVED HER 2 months of PAIN. Thats two less months of feeling sad, angry, hurt, worthless, rejected, disrespected, betrayed, etc. Why put her thru and EXTRA two months of pain. Think about it...what I'm saying makes SENCE.
Again, this is the real world, NOT TV...things don't work out all beautiful in the end if you do the "right thing"....The right thing is never to cheat again...howabout you do THAT. That is the onlything thats gonna make your relationship better.

be SMART!

WHAT??? are you on crack??? Oh yeah, it couldn't get worse if she finds out later...EXCEPT WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS AND IT NOT ONLY SCARS HER BUT THEM FOR LIFE AS WELL!! Good lord! Look,Professor, I'm sorry, but you f-d up royally. No matter how you try to reassemble to pieces to make it look like an "accident" or "inevitable" or whatever, it's still broken. The end. At this point, it's not about you anymore. You OWE her the opportunity to make a choice: forgive you, or leave you. And you'll just have to deal with it, and just pray that she's more generous with you than you deserve. I'm sorry, but just because you weren't thinking of the consequences at the time, doesn't mean they're not waiting for you when the blood rushes back to your selfish head. If you don't tell her, rest assured she will find out eventually, and it will be ten times worse than anything that happens now, i.e. a messy divorce(most likely with her getting everything you own, as well as the kids). It also sounds like you're a religious man...just remember, you can try to hide your sins, but there's one person who will know no matter what, and lying will just add another sin to the list. Besides, if your wife to be does leave you(as almost any woman would), you'll probably get over it pretty quickly...after all, how quickly did you forget about her when you were being "seduced", eh? 3 minutes? It's sad really, and I would almost feel bad for you if I didn't feel worse for that poor woman who not so long ago stood beaming in front of you as you proclaimed your "undying"(ha!) love for her before your families and God. :(

Hey, hey... much as we'd like to be sarcastic, we shouldn't....

Re: what she don't know woun't hurt her
 

This is not aimed only at Professor but, cheaters in general (men and women):

Don't you think that if people thought about their mate's "mental and emotional well-being" BEFORE cheating, they wouldn't be in this situations such as this one?

Re: Re: Re: don't read too much into it
 

Glad to know that there are Black people who listen to Dr. Laura. Although I don't always agree with her, her advice is really common sense.


I totally agree about people who put themselves in appropriate situations and then say "things just happen". Every person makes decisions every day and there is a consequence for decisions.

Since the dirty deed has been done, the question is should you tell her or not. I suggest that you do, since the chances are that she will find out. You already told the internet world and you have already posted enough info. about yourself that anyone could potentially leak that info. to your fiancee.

Re: what she don't know woun't hurt her
 

Aren't you the SAME person who was saying that he couldn't understand why women took it so seriously and it didn't mean anything?

Obviously you know that that is untrue, that it means a lot, and that it is wrong. You appear to be trying to justify it any way you can.

Professor, I think that you should tell her. It is one thing for it to happen, but for her to find out it happened and that you lied about it will in fact make it worse.

If you come to her and tell her, she may or may not forgive you but she will at least know that you respected her as a human being enough to tell her (even if that respect slipped your mind when you cheated). If you respect her as well as love her you will treat her as an adult and not as a posession. She is not something you "have", she is a human being who has the right to decide her own fate, and you as someone who loves her have the obligation to make sure that she knows the truth.

Ladies, let me play devil's advocate. Be honest, and think about it. If the tables were turned, would you tell that you cheated? Most people don't consider "basic" flirting as cheating, but if you committed anything dishonest, would you tell?

Since you flipped the script
 

If she tells, what will HE think of her? Maybe if he tells her, she'll stay with him and have those "issues", etc. but she will remain with him. (mayyyyyybe)

Now, on the other hand, how will HE REACT?

:cool: :confused: