My boyfriend and I had been dating for about 4 months when he lost his job. (We've known each other for 20 years and had dated for 5 months a little over a year ago, but that's a story for another day.) For a while we didn't go out. At all. We would cook dinner at one of our homes, but that was it. He became pretty depressed for a few weeks, so leaving the house just didn't happen. After a few weeks we started doing things like going to the park on warmer days (here in Tennessee it gets up to 70 one day in January, then the next is 35 degrees.) I finally just said, "Look, you've spent lots of money on me over the past few years, you need to let me do some nice things for you too. I need for us to go out some." So he's finally started letting me pick up the check sometimes whether it's dinner, going to a movie, or going to see a show. We don't go out much at all because he still feels strongly that he should be picking up the bill, but we go out as often as we can without him feeling like he's "doing his job to take care of me." (His words.) I figure, I'm not dating him because I want someone to spend money on me. I'm dating him first because I liked him, then because I'm in love with the guy and want to spend time with him, and now because we care deeply for each other and see a future together.

We're talking about getting married, and the way I see it at this point we're not just dating for the heck of it, so we can practice taking care of each other now. I appreciate it when he spends money on me, but it's not necessary and I think it's only fair that he allows me to do nice things for him as well.

Some back story - I spent a couple of years looking for a full time job and juggling three part time jobs. I still was barely able to make ends meet. During this time, he took me out all the time, cooked for me, etc. There are no tabs kept, and I don't feel like I have to "repay" him, but I do think that it's unfair for a man to have to dish out all the money after you've established that you're heading for marriage, and I think it's selfish for women to expect them to when the man is experiencing financial hardship.

That is a realistic story and I appreciate it very much.

That 'male pride' thing sometimes really gets in the way of us men having a good relationship.

He is really thankful for having an understanding person how doesn't mind picking up some of the load and sharing.

Trust me, every year of marriage feels like at least a decade...

I don't notice a major difference. I mean, if you invite someone to something, you should pay. I've gone on more dates so far this year than last, but that was based more on what I wanted to do than the economy.

I feel like such a horrible person for hating all my married friends now.

I don't hate them. I just don't like going out with them.

The only married couple I like hanging out with is my brother and his wife. And mostly because they're pretty much the same as they were before getting married. They're having a baby this summer. I wonder if I'll like talking about my niece or nephew more than I like talking about other people's kids. I have a feeling I will.

I do. :)

I can't imagine that I'll love my own children as much as I love my niece and nephew, but everyone says I will.

DS, you do date your spouse when you marry... That is what keeps it exciting...

I lost my job in late 2008. It impacted our relationship severely. Now I am retooling and redirecting my efforts to a new kind of career dependent on me, my successes and my failures.

My husband has stepped up. I am not trying to go to the mall and buy the latest fashions. I am not about running up major credit card bills in the $5K range+. That is not my M.O. And I could take on a position, but I really would dislike it and I would have to relocate to another city...

Creative dating methods could include developing a "career portfolio" for the desired career. Dressing the role, while not buying... In fact some places when they see you trying to improve your situation might help--like suit rental. A one page business plan development. Speed interviewing, like speed dating, but for an interview... If there is emotional issues, if it is a man, he needs assistance--such as a coach to be motivated and become accountable...

That is if you want to follow all the laws... :rolleyes:

Ouch.

*is now scared to get married*

lol

nikki you and I are >>>>>>>>>>>here<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I'm married. Have been for 3 years. It doesn't suck.

I'm currently a legal intern in a law practice which among other things, handles divorces. For those folks, marriage is a curse and divorce is a blessing. They often go on to have great second marriages.

Don't be scared, just exercise good judgment.

Some of us just aren't cut out to be married and, unfortunately, we don't find that out until we've tried it... sometimes twice..lol. I couldn't stand being married. I couldn't stand having to consult somebody else before I spent money. I couldn't stand cleaning up after someone else or not being able to find things because they weren't put away in the right place. I couldn't stand having to share my space or being woken up in the middle of the night because I was breathing too loud and keeping him awake. I hate whiskers in the sink. I hate cleaning up after people who should be totally capable of doing it themselves but never do. There was absolutely no benefit to being married for me in either of my former marriages. None, zip, zero, zilch. Both husbands personalities changed completely once we had that slip of paper. There's no way I'd do that again.

That said, back to the original topic. Right now, for me, someone who is unemployed is a deal breaker for a couple reasons. One, I date to go out and have fun and I'm finding that these unemployed guys aren't quite in a "fun" state of mind. Two, the unemployed guys have way too much time on their hands and want to hang out more than I have time for. They tend to want to get together too often. If you want to date me, you get no more than every other Saturday. That's when I have time for you, so don't push for more, thanks.

:eek:

o.k. guys this post just scared the crap out of me.