Being in a relationship isn't about melding into one person. It isn't about being each other's one and only everything. It's about being two separate people who love, respect, and complement each other. I think it's important for couples to have their own lives, their own friends, and their own hobbies. Couples should spend a lot of time with each other but not ALL their time. You need to have time to hang out with your family, to hang out with your friends, and to hang out by yourself.

I know it's hard to think about breaking up with someone who you've been with for so long. One of my college friends was in a bad relationship. They fought constantly. Senior year, he cheated on her, but she forgave him and took him back. When she was debating whether to take him back, she confessed that there were other reasons she wanted to take him back besides the fact that she still loved him. She told me that she was scared because he was her first real boyfriend and she had not been single since junior year of high school. She told me that she had invested five years of her life to him and she didn't want to throw away her five year investment and not have anything to show for it (i.e. marriage). I tried to convince her that if something is not working out, you should walk away (accept that you've lost out on what you've invested so far) and not keep investing more (risking losing out even more). When you're young, it's easier to walk away from a relationship that's not working. It's much harder when you're yoked to one another through marriage or through children.

He and I argue constantly, but i think its because he is a "know it all," and he thinks every one is wrong but him. Be both just dont let go when it comes to an argument. Were both stubborn. I dont know if thats a bad thing or not. And he's opinionated about everything!!!!!!! I mean everything!!!! About everything but what you ask him his opinion on! lol. He judges me too much in my life for me to live it any other way other that what he thinks is "real." I does sound soo bad when I read what I write.

Sweetheart, let's put this plainly, you are in a dangerous relationship and I think you need to go to your on campus safety office and ask some questions. Yes, you may have invested a lot of time in this, but in the grand scheme of your overall life, you will still be held accountable for how you lived your life.

Basically, there are insecurities between you and him and you are all too youthful to have an intense discrepancy of how you choose to live your life and spend your money...

Now, he cannot dictate that "all or nothing" onto anyone but himself. Because what will happen in the future is if you do "X", I am not going to be with you... "Reward behavior"--what is your reward? The one you value, the one that has minimal costs, the one that provides a "net utility"?

Stay blessed and in Ariafya!

First of all, everyone changes in college and with time. People grow apart. Some boyfriends are good for where you are at the time but not for later in life.
I'm not a member of a sorority yet, but I am almost 100% sure that not every sorority girl is single or dating fraternity guy...
The pressure he seemingly puts on you is quite a bit. A fourth job? Ouch in my opinion, and I use to have a boyfriend just like that.
I choose this post because well read it. If it was your best friend saying that what would you say to her?
One person cannot be everything, that is why you have family and friends. If someone is everything in a relationship, the couple typically ends up being unhappy.
Also, he should be making YOU happy! The things that make him happy don't need always make you happy. My boyfriend obsesses about cars, including wheel type and tires (?) I like to make lists and exercises. He thinks my lists are weird but he wouldn't make me stop because he knows it helps. I wouldn't make him stop looking at tire types and rims because I know it clears his mind.

Basically in the end: This guy sounds unhealthy! Would you let your best friend (not your boyfriend, choose a different one) date someone like this?

Lord no!!!! I'm normally the happy one! But this is totally out of character for me. Thats why I'm sooo clueless as to what to say so that we wont be offended!

Part of the nice thing about being in a relationship is that you can offend each other (to a degree), and they're still gonna be there and work it out with you.

Please. Even friends offend each other from time to time - but the nice thing is that if you're close enough and you trust each other enough not to be complete jerks then you can work it out.

Wake up, sweetie. If he hasn't changed in five years, he's not going to. This relationship can either exist in its current state, or not exist at all. He's not going to change himself for you.

Stop worrying if he'll be offended and leave. If you stand up for yourself, of course he'll be offended. Of course he'll leave. And if he doesn't leave, you need to. Otherwise, you're teaching him that all he has to do is threaten to break it off and you'll submit. Because that's what you're doing. He's like a toddler throwing a tantrum, and you're giving him his way every single time.

It sounds like you don't want the relationship to end. Are you happy being controlled? If not, you need to get out now.

The sad thing is, is that endings almost always suck, especially in relationships. As cliche as this is: think of it as a band aid. You really just have to rip it off.

So.....there is a NPHC information meeting coming up, and its a day that we would normally hangout. I'm going to tell him about it and ask him to come with me. If he says no, oh well, I'm still going!

Why even ask him to go with you?

Because normally we hang out on Tuesdays. I have 2 jobs and so does he.....so were sort of on a schedule.

I know!!! :D I just wanna give him a chance..........a chance to stand by my decision.

That's the problem. You don't get to make a decision according to what you said to us on GC... How will giving him a chance to "change his mind" will not work to your advantage.

How come you have to "beg and plead" with him like a petulant whiny child on what you want to do in your life?

I told him, he's crying, and he broke up with me and called me a groupie.

Oh but it is getting him somewhere! It's been getting him somewhere for five years and you've been putting up with it!

You don't. You just speak calmly, clearly and with conviction. Then you say, "I'm sorry" and effectively walk away.


Is he keeping you in mind while you make decisions?


It's not bad that you're trying to be "considerate"; it's bad that the shoe isn't on the other foot and I don't feel confident he would do the same for you if it was. In fact, by your own words, you've gone on and on about how he is stubborn and only wants things his way in spite of you already having spoken with him about this. At this point in the relationship, "trying to be a good example for him" is probably a waste of time.

.....Kelly :)

Ah! I see you posted an update while I was giving an opinion. Good for you for making the decision!

.....Kelly :)

So....he says i have no integrity......and he says that i just want to be a part of something. My reasons aren't "real" enough to him, and he says that i said i would never go through some of the stuff when it was 1st brought to my attention.....now, just to be a part of something i will.

I keep telling him he just doesn't get it.

Sweetie, I had to reply to your post (normally I just lurk LOL). How can this "man" say you have no integrity just because YOU are doing something that YOU feel will enrich your life? :confused: Many others have said it -- you have a big time control freak on your hands, and when he broke up with you and called you a groupie, he did you a favor. If he can't support you and your dreams, he is a LIABILITY, not an asset. He sounds like he needs a much weaker woman in his life than the one he has. Don't make that change for the worst, because the one that will suffer in the end is you. You didn't refer to this man as your husband, so honestly, who gives a flying fig what he wants when it comes to your life and your decisions? You'll be in your sorority forever -- no relationship is a guarantee!

I wish you the best of luck in your endeavours, and I hope you'll keep us abreast of your progress. :)

I feel that it makes me a lot stronger to go ahead, say im doing it, and take it from there. But as you said....it can enrich my life......he feels that a strong person doesn't need to get in a sorority for any of the reasons people do, and it can all be done without.....people are just so interested in being seen.

He was hurt....

Good for you. Go to that meeting, find out what it's about, and start living your life FOR YOU.

Best of luck.

I may have missed this..... how does he think you can get sisterhood with over a hundred thousand women without a sorority?

RareTreasure,

Heed the words of all who have replied to you, along with mine.

I too, sat in your place when I was in undergrad, but what I am going to tell you is the story of what happens when you marry a man like that, thinking that his control is 'love'.

Do not mistake control for love or caring. When I was in u-grad, over 18 years ago, I was in the midst of trying to 'rush' a sorority. Then I met 'him'.

He was so kind, and what tripped me up was his desire to spend every waking moment with me. I hadn't been with any guy on campus who was 'mature' enough to want a one-on-one relationship, like what my guy was offering. I made a choice to be with him instead of following my heart. This decision was 'easy' to make at the time, since after all, he told me that he thought sororities were for weak minded women and that I was stronger than those women. He played on my ego and my weariness in trying to penetrate the ranks to gain acceptance from the chapter.

But I was the weak minded one because I listened to 1 man, instead of understanding the history of the hundreds of thousands of women who had made this organization continue to exist for what is soon to be 100 years. I didn't know enough to make a better, more informed decision.

So I let go of my dream for love.

Well, 18 years later, I have kids and am in a marriage to a control freak; I pray every day for a reasonable way to get out of it. I have tried to reclaim my youth but I can't turn back the hands no matter how hard I try. My heart has been broken twice as I have tried to gain alumnae membership into the beloved sorority of my choice.

My husband, in the meanwhile, has joined a fraternity. Funny, the word on the street that I am receiving is that he blocked my chances by talking to the right people. He is just that controlling.

RareTreasure, you are just that, a rare treasure, so follow your heart and run from that BOY. He will never be the MAN that you deserve.

Sounds like he didn't have any qualms about offending you. That should tell you something about his character compared to yours.

You need to do what makes you happy. Someone who truly loves you will support you doing what makes you happy. If they don't support it or worse are actively against it, then major warning bells should go off.

Why are you still talking to him?

DITTO.

I've been with my guy for over 5 years also, and if he tried to pull that crap on me you better believe I would end things. Your guy (ex-guy?) is being extremely insecure. I hope you look at the bigger picture and realize you don't need some guy trying to run your life.

i really dont wanna leave him.....but he doesn't want to be with me because of this

Let me put it simply.

Your boyfriend is an insecure, controlling dickhead.

If you give in to him on this, 2-5-10 years down the road there will be something ELSE that he doesn't want you to do - only this time it might affect your career, your relationship with your family, or your physical and/or mental health.

If your relationship is 1/10th of what you've told us about, you need to GET OUT NOW. He broke up with you - thank God he has at least a little pride!! He made it easy.

Walk away, and DON'T LOOK BACK.

It's easier said then done........he just feels that i am week

I would say that saying he doesn't get it is an extreme understatement.

Listen to 33girl and everyone else. He's telling you that he doesn't want to be with you because you're thinking for yourself and not doing what he says.

If he doesn't want to be with the real you, then why in the world would you want to be with him?

To the OP, if you don't want to take our advice, fine.

Ultimately the decision is up to you. You can choose to stay stuck in this shit, or you can get out, like many GCers have advised.

Most normal people would want to take the necessary steps to make their lives better.

He is the weak one, not you. Unless you do something asinine like beg him to take you back.

She will.

If I am given the opportunity to join...then i will be taking it. I am going to do it, and I am not going to back down......but I want him to support me. All i want out of him right now is to get over all that he has in his head (good or bad) and support me.

So joining in not in question....

Your right.....I'm going to talk him out of making a bad decision, because in the end...whichever way......with him or without......I will still end up happy. Its him that i am worried about.

So.. you want to be with someone who thinks you're weak?

Even was I was at my lowest point, struggling to even get a decent job, and having a hard time with a lot of different things in my life, my boyfriend constantly told me that I was an amazing person who WILL succeed. He always said that I was the best thing to happen to him, and that he was lucky to be with such a strong person.

And your bf is telling you that you're weak for no legitimate reason whatsoever?

Trust me... I've been in enough relationships to know the difference between a good one and a bad one, and this is a VERY bad one. I was with someone who was like that. I was with him in my senior year of high school and my freshmen year of college, and I wasted my first year in school being attached to him because he didn't want me to go anywhere else. When I told him about my desire to go to law school, he replied, "well that's stupid," and that was it for me.

It's not going to end. It really isn't. And you've spent 5 pages in this thread complaining about him. And now you're questioning whether you made the right decision? Read through all of your posts, and then ask yourself if that's who you truly want to be with.

I know that you've been with him for a long time and that you're "comfortable". Again, been there, done that. But when you get out of that relationship for good, and you find someone who makes you truly happy (even if it's just a good friend to go out with on Saturday nights), it is so incredibly liberating.

No, I just think you are too insecure to be alone.

The guy is a jerk. Face it.

This thread gives me tired-head. It is going nowhere because everyone is telling you the same thing, yet you seem to be waiting for someone to tell you what you want to hear.

Ain't gonna happen.

Why not try life as a single person for awhile? If you are still in college and have been with this guy for 5 years it could be very enlightening for you.

My decision has not changed......I will be pledging if the sorority gives me the opportunity......But he is loyal, and has never done me wrong... I hear a lot of people saying "If you back down on what you truly want to do just for him, lated he'll be demanding other things....." So what if he decides to get over it and stay?

I hate to be the one to say it... but if for some reason, he does get over it and stays, it will most likely be because he realizes that you are actually going to do this no matter what he does, and he knows he can't control that. He doesn't want to lose someone who allows him to be so controlling... So he'll try to control you in other ways. Because as you've said, this is how he is, and how he's always been.

He'll still be with you, and "support" your decision... but I guarantee he'll continue to make you feel bad about it, make you feel bad about not spending time with him (because you'll have to do things for the sorority), and he won't be thrilled about going to sorority events like formal. He'll probably make those experiences miserable for you. Because those things he CAN control.

Then the onus is on him to show that he's changed his ways. If someone really loves you and there is something that is important to you (whether it be sorority, church, family, friends, education, work, volunteer work, etc.), they will respect it even if they don't understand it. If someone truly loves you, they will not belittle something that is important to you and they will not make you choose between him and the something that's important to you. I don't know if you're religious, but if you are, imagine if he were asking you to choose between him and church. Would you put up with his shit then? You deserve someone who is going to treat you right...someone who (like what ASTalumna06 mentioned) is going to build you up not tear you down. If he changes and becomes a positive person in your life, then that's wonderful. But if he continues to be a negative person in your life, you don't need that. You deserve better, and you need to believe in yourself enough to know for yourself that you deserve better.