A Doctor I know (40) is marrying his girfriend (18) I'll have to cut and paste this thread for him . . .:)

I don't see how such age gaps are really that bearable for people like us. This sounds terrible, but people who don't really do much but go to work, don't go to school, or really even strive continuously to advance their career, they'd have an easier time to adapt, but goal-oriented, bookworms like many of us are (yeah, right?) are in completely different phases of our lives than someone a few years older than us, because we have completely different obligations and I'm not speaking of love, just that I don't see how you can ignore the phases of life, the focusing of concerns and what have you. I dated as a 20 yr-old a 23yr old who'd just graduated, and believe me, that was very difficult because of the phases shifts and what-have-you

I'm 20, and the summer I turned 19 I met a man who was 28... he was divorced with 2 kids that he had joint custody of. That's a lot of baggage for anyone to enter into a relationship with, let alone someone as young as myself. My parents/friends/family were apprehensive, but they trusted my judgement and that summer was one of the most educational experiences of my (young) life. I was in a relationship with someone who understood responsibility, and for once I wasn't playing "mind games" over who would call next. It was open, honest, and loving. I think his relationship with his children had a lot to do with it- he made sure that they ALWAYS came first, which I respected a great deal. It was probably one of the reasons I was so attracted to him- that he was such a great dad to his kids and had his priorities in order. We talked about marriage, but I knew I wasn't ready (not till after grad school, honey) and anyways, I had to return to college- 10 hours away- so a LT relationship wasn't that feasible.

In the year since that experience, he has not left my thoughts for a day. I've dated other people and so has he, but our hearts keep coming back to each other. We recently spent two days together, a reunion of sorts, and it was like letting out a deep breath that I never knew I was holding. We accept that we love each other, but where we are in our lives right now (distance and whatnot) prevents the kind of relationship we'd both like to have. I will be in school for the next 6 years, and I won't consider going to a school near him just for proximity's sake. I still have a great deal of life left to experience, and I'm not willing to return to my hometown just yet- and he can't leave b/c of the kids.

That being said... we do love each other. Enough to where each of us realizes that where we are right now is not compatible with a relationship. Perhaps in six years things will be different. Perhaps they won't be. But if I (or he) had let the idea of an age difference impede on our feelings for each other, I would not have learned so much about myself, nor would I have had the experience of loving and being loved by him. Barring everything else, we have a wonderful friendship, and I respect him and his choices a great deal.

Relationships can take many forms- my parents were 9 years apart when they married, and while they were only married 7 years, their relationship flourishes today. They are best friends and talk every day, and have been wonderful in raising myself and my sister. They love each other even more now that they are not married, and their relationship is one I would take in a heartbeat. Their incompatibility as a couple had nothing to do with their ages- they are much closer now that ever before.

Just my $0.02. It may not make any sense, but hey, if you can't ramble on GC, where can you ramble? :)

That is actually a really touching story . . .

It sure is :)

thanks :)

"you never lose by loving. you only lose by holding back."

your welcome :)

Hello,

I am bumping up a ridiculously old thread. Obviously, it is because I am in the middle of my own issue with the age difference thing.

As much as I hate to agree with P7, my biggest concern is why a guy 12 years older is interested in ME. It kinda worries me that he may have some weird issues.

On the other hand, I am a college graduate, I have a career, and I have been through quite a few of those big life experiences everyone has to deal with at least a few times, good or bad.

I don't feel like he is that much older than anyone else I have dated (because boys never really grow up), but it will be interesting to see if this relationship outlasts the initial chemistry.

Yeah... it's weird. One of my best friends is a guy who's 11 years older than I.

I prefer older guys, but generally, all my best friends are older than I am, so that makes sense. However, my "best boyfriend" (dated for nearly three years, though a long time ago) was 10 months younger than I, so it depends.

I do agree that if the basis for a relationship is some sort of shared endeavor, then it has the most chance of succeeding.

-Random ramblings from a singleton.

That's not too bad of an age difference. I personally don't date anyone more than 5 or 6 years older than me, but 21 and 30 doesn't sound awful. If he was 40, that would be different.

I am 20, I am dating a guy who is 33, but...

I skipped grades when I was little, and have been ahead my whole life. All my friends are 3-4 years older than I, so I am effectively 24 or so.:)

And he is hot.

When I was 18, I dated a guy who was 29. It worked out well, and he was more thoughtful than a lot of the guys closer to my own age. Plus, he had a good job, and could afford to spoil me. ;) It didn't last long, though.

As everyone else has mentioned, the older guy thing can lead to problems. Mainly the problem that they're ready to settled down when you're just hitting your stride, so to speak.

Also, I've noticed it's become harder and harder to find guys around that age who haven't been divorced or already have children. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but at my age (I'm 20 now) I don't want to have to deal with being a "step mother" type figure, or deal with an angry ex- wife.

That's just my thoughts on it. If you can make it work for you, then more power to you.

I think because of my upbringing and the fact that my parents are only 4 years apart (my dad is older), that I have this subconscious idea that I shouldn't date guys any more than 4 years older than me. Reasons being:

I went out once or twice with a 21 year old when I just turned 16 (yuck... he was scary, but he bought me nice things for a few days... that was over quick).

Recently, I've been seeing a few people. One was a few months older than me, and in my opinion, he's "too young" for me (I'm 21). His personality is comparable to that of a 15 year old, which just didn't mesh. We're good friends, but otherwise, he reminds me of a horny teenager (for lack of a better comparison).

I also started seeing a 26 year old that was just going into his junior year at my school (I just graduated) as a transfer student. I liked him a lot at first, but after a few more conversations, i realized we don't have much in common, his goals are way off from mine, etc.

So now I've started seeing a 23 year old grad. student at my school. He's a TA, he's got a TON of the same interests as I do, we're on the same level socially and emotionally, he's driven to continue in education- like I am- and we have so much in common, but he's a couple years older... it's like it's perfect.

So in essence, I think it's ok to date older people, but a lot of the time, the priorities are going to be out of line with your own... I like having someone who understands me on all levels, not just someone who likes me because I'm cute, young, ambitious, and may be able to be bought off.

I have always liked older guys. When I was 16 I had the biggest crush on a 21 year old, he's still to this day one of my best friends! :D My dad is 7 years older than my mom though so I think I've always assumed I would end up with a guy significantly older than me. That being said, the guy I like right now is a year younger than me. :o Oh well! ;) I still think older men are sexy.

This is an interesting thread!

I think that if you're just starting to see somebody, age doesn't matter. If you have fun and enjoy each other's company, who cares?! If things between you get more serious, then you can decide if an age difference creates problems that you can't or don't want to deal with in the long term.

As a side note, I've never been into older guys. Mr. valkyrie is 6 1/2 years younger than I am and it has never caused a problem and is never an issue with us at all.

My boyfriend is older. I am happy. I've dated all ages. It's who the person is that matters, not the age assuming you are both adults. I don't condone the jailbait thing.

My stepfather is 16 years older than my mom; she was born the year he got his drivers' license. So far it's worked out; they got married when she was in her late 20s and he was in his early 40s. The thing is, though, now he's getting to the point where he wants to go to bed at 7 every night and doesn't ever want to go out to eat or do anything except yard work, while my mom is still fairly young and likes to do fun things. I guess that's a hazard of marrying an older man, but just dating them might be OK. ;)

I think the biggest issue here is both how you think others will perceive you and how you preceive the relationship from a social acceptability perspective. Mostly you are wondering about the approval of your friends and family.

News flash :) Some of them will like your SO and some will not no matter what lol.

A relationship will either work or not work depending on an enormous amount of factors. We are talking relationship psychology here, and psychology is great at explaining after the fact, but bad at predicting what will happen.

In fact most of the time its rationalization. I doubt many of us really know why or our relationships work or don't in a way that could be clearly expressed.

As long as you are feel that you are clicking and having a good time which is what really matters then you shouldn't worry about it. However, I'm curious that if there is going to be a problem that you are in different phases in your life. I know I dated older guys before and it always seems an issue when they want to settle down or don't or if they enjoy different things that I don't because they feel I'm younger and they've been there with doing things I enjoy to do. But as long as you are HONEST with each other.. which is for all relationships then you can't go wrong :)

From the older guy's view
 

Well...here I am...normal guy, 33, I have a 3 yr old son that lives with his mom. She doesnt get involved in my relationships, I dont get into hers.

The reason alot of guys are available at my age is a) people dont work at marriages like our parents do b) women in my age range are *generally* married, or come with alot of baggage. So do the men also, I might add.

I've come close to marriage, but it never happened. I've heard everything from "If he's still single, there must be something wrong with him" to gawd knows what.


I'm at the stage in my life right now where I'm in the Navy due to layoffs, so my being away and trying to see my son where I can eats alot of my time. I dont think I'll look / try for anything seriously until I'm out in 2 1/2 years. Even then, if I dont find what I'm looking for...I figure I have a house, a great kid, and a loving family....


As for dating younger women...hrm.... I dont see too much wrong with it provided you're both open and honest. True, most older men want to settle...and most younger women arent ready for that yet.


My biggest peeve is really really liking someone...knowing you could treat them better than anyone else, and the other person continues to date jerks and never would "want to ruin" a friendship by dating you....GAH!

Oh I wanted to add: I believe a lot of us miss the point of threads such as these.

We are providing good discussion, analyzing pros and cons, but in reality the person is REALLY asking us whether it will LOOK right to date someone older, a different race, ethnicity, same sex, different religion, etc.

They are looking for reassurance that they are not wierd, different, or will get looked upon hostiley by their peers and authority figures.

Shrug.

Otherwise, why the hell are they asking us if something is going to work out between them and another human being based solely on one arbitray thing lol?

Good discussion nonetheless.

James, I think you underestimate people sometimes. Do you really think that people are so weak and wrapped up in the opinions of others? LOL, for the sake of our society, I hope not.

I think that when people post questions such as this one, they are looking for more than just a reaction to how they will "look" because of whom they are dating. There *are* issues that arise when there is a large age difference between people, and someone just getting into a dating relationship that involves an age gap and is concerned may want to get other opinions from people who have been there. Don't you think?

I hope that i underestimate people a lot lol ;)

Otherwise people are pretty sad:)

But, maybe not so much here. the problem is that the originally question is not readily reduced. What is she really asking? Whether it will work?

She actually phrased it and I quote:

I think a lot of the questions are exactly like that because if they were otherwise they would have been phrased ina different fashion.

If you reread a lot of the answers, they read like an essay answer.

Yes, I feel its good because . . . Reason reason reason.

Or.

No, its terrible .. . reason reason reason.

Usually based on their personal experiences or prejudices.

Men do it too!!
 

While I understand this pet peeve, how about us women who date the men who are telling us what we want to hear, doing the things that we have been craving then *BAM* all of a sudden...I am not ready for something serious!" http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/splat.gif Believe me, I have had my fair share of male friends who have dated women who have taken them/are taking them for a ride. My best friend being one of them as we speak! Any woman who would rather have LIPOSUCTION rather than an engagement ring after five years with someone as wonderful as my best friend...http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/evild.gif LET ME AT HER!!!


**WE now end the hijacking of this thread**



I found that once I hit my twenties, it wasn't as big of a diiference to date someone older than me. Go for it! Good luck!
http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmili...thru-heart.gif

How did this work out?

co-sign.

I thought I would bump this because someone was asking .. :)

Re: Older men?
 

No definetly not. As a 23year old my "age limits" are 7 above and 2 below. Guys I date need to be able to go to the bar with me and must not be older than 30. I have yet to meet a single non-skeevy guy over 35...

I perfer to date an older man. former Mr-cutiepatootie and i were the same age and well that marraige was faulted from the beginning.....i like older men .... they at that age SHOULD have their stuff together. i am 35 so dating someone up to age 48ish is how far in age i would date.

I'm 25 and the guy I am with right now will 37 next month. It took me a little while to try and get over the whole age thing far as that far apart goes since I usually would say 7 years at the oldest. But who know's we will see how long this relationship lasts. So far its been going good.

I think it's mainly different when you're in college and they're not. I've been out of college for 2 years, and I recently dated a guy who still a senior in college which I found really awkward. He never undertood why I had to go home early on a weeknight, and he always had classes. When you're both working it doesn't really matter the age difference.

I totally freaked out the day I realized I was married to a 35 year old man. I was only 33, but it made me feel really old to think I was married to a 35 year old. 35 sounded really old to me.

I'm not married to him anymore.

35 doesn't sound old to me anymore either. Now, 50 sounds old to me... lol. It keeps going up!

I have said it before, I will say it again. I think "life stage" has a lot more to do with it than age. My dad's wife is 13 years younger than him and they met when she was 41 and he was 54. I was grown and out of college by then. She had kids who were in college. They were in the same basic life stage. Some 41 year old women just started their families and that would have been too much for my dad. Besides, she looks a lot older than she is (being a *itch does that to people).

Dee