Moms had better step in right away. The best thing she can do is encourage--if not downright enforce--her daughter to maintain her relationships with her girlfriends. 14 is way way too young to be joined at the hip like that.

It is really good that your daughter confronted it. It won't be tense for long--they're 14, and memories are short at that age.

Glad I could oblige! :p

I really don't think cohabitation/engagement is the issue for me. Even right off the bat, early on in a relationship for me, it still depends on where she's hanging out, and what she considers to be "her girls".

I don't see anything wrong with coffee. Coffee is cool. Clubs and bars are not, and if she has friends that hang out at places like these, that's o.k., as long as she's not hanging out at those places. Also, she's gotta be who she is. My thing is this, don't just not go to clubs/bars with trifling friends just to please me, because now our relationship is built on a lie. She can be who she is. If she wants to go to clubs/bars, so be it, that just means I would have to let her go. That's all.

You and I are -------------->HERE<-------------------

I added a little somethin' to what you said.:)

I guess mom never saw/read "Endless Love." She might want to invest in some additional fire extinguishers for her home...

PB: Uh, what kind of bars and clubs have you been around? Most of the things that happen at these girls' night out are dancing, talking about girly stuff, and a little boozing. Nothing that out of control. It depends on the type of bar/club and the crowd.

Dionysus, I don't go to clubs or bars at all. I once got talked into going to a night club by some fraternity brothers of mine when I was in undergrad, I stayed for about 10 minutes and then I went back home. That's been several years gone by, and I haven't been to places like that of any kind since. I didn't/don't like the atmosphere nor do I spend any of my time with people who enjoy going to clubs and/or bars.

With that said, there's nothing wrong with a woman spending her time with her girlfriends talking, dancing, and/or "boozing," if that's what she enjoys doing. For me, in a serious, long term, monogamous relationship (a must for me, any other way is unacceptable), I have to be able to connect to her completely, passionately and romantically, and I'm not able to do this with a woman who enjoys spending any of her time at clubs and/or bars dancing and/or "boozing" alone or with her girlfriends. To me, it sends the wrong signal. Therefore, a woman who enjoys this kind of activity would not be compatible with me. Does it mean she's a bad person? No it does not, it just means that she and I aren't on the same page, that's all.

PrettyBoy:

Remove the boozing and keep the girlfriends talking and dancing part. Remove the whole bar/club atmosphere and think about young black professional type gatherings.

Does this still bother you?

It seems like you still have a certain image in your mind (hence, "sends the wrong signal") and aren't thinking about the many ways that semi-extroverts like to get out the house sometimes. Are you a homebody who is in search of another homebody? Do you and your lady like to get dressed up and go out together but allow about one weekend per month where you two hang out with your own friends (either male or female)?

Do whatever works for you but make sure the woman you find is like you are from jump and that you aren't trying to change her/make her feel and act old.


:)

Dionysus asked me a question and "boozing" was in the question she asked. I was responding to her question.

No, I wouldn't try to change a woman. It's important that she's comfortable with herself, otherwise the relationship is built on a lie.

I know and I was asking you what you thought when boozing and wild partying in clubs and bars isn't in the equation at all.

Right but you didn't answer my questions.

Exactly. She mentioned all of the above. Clubs, bars, dancing and boozing, and since I do none of the above, I choose not to associate myself with people who do.

You asked me if it bothers me dancing with and socializing with "black professionals" at a get together, or something to that effect. No, it doesn't bother me, nor do clubs and bars bother me, because I don't have to hang out at those types of establishments. I socialize with professional people of all races daily when I go to work or have lunch with them.

No, I wouldn't consider myself a "homebody" at all. I get out of the house and I do things that I enjoy. Clubbing, dancing, boozing, bars, and socializing/dancing with "black professionals" or any professionals serve no interest to me.

As far as a woman sending the wrong signal is concerned, I won't entertain that, because it's too hard to explain.

I'm only able to see my lady friend on the weekends, because of the drive, so we don't see each other often, but when we do, we do go places together, rather it be casual or formal. We also make time for our friends
(of the same sex) I don't have any female friends, only associates, and I don't get involved in relationships with women who have male friends, but that's a topic that has already been discussed on another thread.


Different strokes for different folks.:)

Did I answer all of your questions?

ETA: I really think you all are getting the wrong impression of me, because you can only base your thoughts about me from what I post on here. According to the GC members that I have actually met IRL, they were shocked in a positive way, because they saw a different person when they actually got a chance to sit down and talk to me on a one on one basis. I think it's very difficult to make an opinion about someone you've never met IRL.:)

This goes without saying. More than that, however special your rules of relationships appear, it's for the woman in your life to deal with. Not me.

But you're explaining your MANY rules of relationships in great detail so they appear wierd to some extent. No dancing or socializing with young professional crowds. So when you and your lady go to formal and informal events on the weekends, where do you all go? In a nonspecific way. I already said that boozing isn't the issue because my crew often goes out and no one has anything to drink--someone might get a glass of wine at the most. I'm just curious because you say you and your lady go out and that you both hang out with friends but yet you look down on the different types of social events that are mentioned.

I won't even get into the male friend versus female friend thing. If you can only have male friends and she can only have female friends, okay.

I don't know where you and your crew go, but wherever it is you all go, rather anyone has a drink or not, if that's what you enjoy then that's great, but dancing just doesn't interest me.

Some places we go:
Outdoor jazz concerts (when it's warm)
Niagara Falls (when time allows)
Baseball games
Basketball games
Art galleries
Plays
Horse and carriage rides
Movies
Cider Mills
Bowling
Museums
Singles ministries @ church
Arcades
Amusement parks

Just to name a few.

It just boils down to personal interest. I think in a relationship the interests aren't going to be exactly the same, but similarities are important, otherwise it doesn't work.

These are all great places.

Too bad you don't like to dance. Is it because you don't have any rhythm? :p Events like outdoor concerts and galas involve dancing for me. I'd fall asleep if my significant other and I had to sit around. We get the party started. :p

Yup. I don't know how to dance.:o:) (but that's not the main reason though)

:confused:

Good grief. :rolleyes: Goodie Mob 1998.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWdgkd2dhpo

For heaven's sake, even I knew that was Goodie Mob. :rolleyes: PB, if you told me your girlfriend is 55, I'd totally believe you.

This topic is hitting a serious nerve with me. Honestly, my BFF is now my ex-BFF and part of it is because of a man. She said she's too busy with school and work to keep in touch, but I know better. She knows that I don't approve of her relationship (because I am one of the few who know that her SO is also someone else's husband) so, even though I said not agreeing with the relationship doesn't mean I don't still love and support her, she has decided to avoid dealing the feeling of disapproval by dropping me as a friend and not telling anyone else about his marriage.

This is not the question posed, so my view is skewed, but I do still have an opinion on the matter. No, it's not okay for people to drop friends for an SO, especially if they aren't serious, just dating. The friendships will change and that is to be expected, but to abandon them altogether is doing a disservice to those who stuck by you when your behind was single just like the rest of us.

Why did I think it was "All they do is DISS"? 10 years now I've been out of the loop.

We are >>>Here<<<. And, honestly that ain't healthy. I'm not saying that the time you spend with friends shouldn't and won't change, but to cut friends off--real friends--is not cool. I have been with my sweetie for a loooong time, and he is honestly my "bestest" friend...but sometimes a sistah needs a break and I'm sure its the same with him. Sometimes I just want "me" time or girl time that doesn't need approval from him because I am nobody's animal. We have developed a trust between each other that we will always try to honor and respect each other and our relationship..so even if I'm with my girls or he's with his boys where ever...respect Velocity and respect Mr. Maybe Velocity. At the end of the day its not the places people go that creates problems...its the people.

But, yeah...that's not healthy because if that relationship you sacrificed your friendships for doesn't work out..then what? These days REAL friends are definitely hard to come by and I'm darn sure not going to sacrifice the very FEW I have for a man...but that's just me...

It's called balance...

DIS as in THIS

Not the kind of "diss" that you were thinking of. :)

o.k. maybe you listen to "Goodie Mob," I don't, so the name of the group doesn't ring a bell.

I'm a little confused here, because those are the things we enjoy doing with each other, she's got to be 55? I'm assuming that's what you're referring to. Well, she's not 55, that's too old for me. I prefer younger women.

Like I said before, similarities are important, at least they are for me. I think most strong relationships include at least some common interests. Common interests allow a couple to spend time together in pursuits they both enjoy. Like what was said earlier, if you like to dance, then you probably wouldn't want a joker who doesn't like to dance. To me, shared interests are very important. People who have little in common will ultimately not spend a lot of time together, or if they do, they won't be doing what they enjoy. Like I said, all of the interest are not going to be the same by any means. But you'll be better off to have some interests in common. Opposite driven relationships often confuse dependency with true love. What I mean is people may have attractions for an opposite person. At 1st they may appreciate the completion they feel with that person , but they run the risk of needing that person for those functions, and I think dependency is only part of love, it's not the full expression of love. At least it isn't to me. I think the full expression of love is to give back from a full heart.

Also I never said I would dump my friends for her. All I said was her needs come before theirs.

I'm sure you've heard a lot of songs over the years without actually listening to the artists who sung them. :) Ever listened to Outkast, Cee-Lo, or anyone else from the Dungeon Family?


I don't think she was mainly talking about the things that you and your lady enjoy with each other. I thought she was teasing about the song.

A lot of the things you type age yourself or try to establish yourself as "different" either intentionally or unintentionally. Of course you're probably just being honest.

:)