You BOTH are signing on the loan?

No, the loan will be in his name and we'll both be on title. I'll be paying the mortgage and utilities while he's gone and I believe he's got homeowner's insurance covered through USAA since he already has his car insured through them.

I agree that I would feel better if we were engaged when he left, but at the same time, he's already shelling out quite a bit of money on closing costs, etc. for the house that I'll be living in while he's gone (not to mention it's mostly his furniture in the place) so it seems wrong to say, honey, shell out some more for a ring while you're at it, ya know? I feel like we're already making a huge commitment but I worry too because I've been the girlf to a deployed soldier before and it went very badly so I have some trust issues of my own for sure (not to mention my parents also worry it won't work out and they adore him). I agree with you Amanda that it'll be easier to work at it for real if we're engaged, vs only dating. I'm not sure if I should just wait until after the holidays and give him the time to come up with it on his own and since he's already talking the talk if he'll walk the walk and just do it or if I should just be honest now...?

And BTW, he'll be gone for a whopping 15 months!

Amanda--yes, I would say you are cynical. :) And I usually am too. I was engaged twice to military men before I met the man that is now my husband--and getting engaged did nothing to ensure that our relationship remained strong. It takes work and effort, and in the end me wanting it didn't make things stick. I've come to realize that the military doesn't make people cheat or give up on relationships--the people do.

SthrnZeta--make sure you get a POA (power of attorney) before he leaves, especially if you're getting a house together. Obviously getting a house together is a big sign of a commitment, so you want to make sure that you are protected in case anything happens.

An update from my world--the list of things that-would-only-happen-while-he's-gone continues to grow. Someone hit my car a few weeks ago. I'm fine but it is really making me appreciate how great my spouse is, because he would have taken care of everything and even driven me to get my car when its done. :)

I'm sorry but this could be a potential train wreck. A POA should not be given to anyone other than a spouse, but then again I know more than a few soldiers who were wiped out by their wives who got tired of being alone, played around, cashed out all his accounts with the POA, bought fancy cars with the POA, and left him oweing everyone.
And I would never recommend him putting the loan in his name but you on the deed unless you two run off to Vegas and get married over Christmas. He should talk to the JAG about all this before he deploys to get some legal guidance. Seriously, you need to get a ring on your finger, even if it's only a quarter carat.

If he is putting her on the deed, then she needs a POA to be able to take care of things while he is gone or in case (god forbid) something happens. He's not here getting advice, she is. If a change needs to be made on a utility account or loan payment or the bank isn't depositing things where it needs to go, she will have a much easier time addressing those issues with a POA than he will from Iraq.

Do I think its smart on his part that both are not on the loan? No. Do I think its smart to put someone on the deed that is not financially tied to the house--no. But if he trusts her enough to live in his house and expects her to pay for the mortgage while he is gone, then he should trust her enough to give her a POA, without a ring. She needs to protect her interests, too.

If he isn't comfortable giving a POA, then maybe they should break up and they shouldn't move in together.

I'm probably going to say something that won't be very popular...

why MUST there be a ring to be engaged? In my own experience, I got engaged to my now-husband without a ring. He had no money for such frivolity, but I loved him and knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. And I was sure in the fact that he loved and cherished me. If you say the words, "Will you marry me?" or "Will you spend the rest of your life with me?" or something to that effect, and the answer is yes, then why does there have to be a piece of jewelry?

A house together seems like a HUGE commitment! So, in my eyes, SthrnZeta, you're already "more than a girlfriend." Deployments are a long, hard road. While I know that I advocated for an engagement before he left for certain reasons having to do with making life dealing with the Army easier, it may be a time for you to really reflect. This surely won't be the only deployment your guy has if he stays in. This may be a good test for you to see if you can really handle a life with a soldier. It's not for the faint of heart.

Oh I'm well aware that deployments aren't easy, as I've done it before. BUT, he doesn't plan to stay in, so luckily this may be the last. I understand what you're saying about a POA and it makes sense. I'm not sure he'll go for it though, but at the same time if he's trusting me enough to put me on title and not the loan (his credit is better so we got a better rate without me on there) then perrhaps he might. We've also discussed how we're taking title and have decided on Joint Tenancy in the event anything happens to him, the house would go to me per the right of survivorship, rather than to his estate if it were tenancy in common - seemed only fair to both of us since I'll be the one putting equity into the house.

With the way we've been talking, it's as if we're engaged already, if it weren't for it bothering him that other people believe us to be (listing agent of the house, lender, etc.) than I would be led to believe that he also feels that way. I think he's just scared to end up like so many other soldiers who have gotten screwed over by their significant other back at home and it's a totally valid fear. At the same time, I need to know I'm waiting for something and I'm trying to believe that this house thing is enough. But why make comments about we'll have two incomes when I'm back, and our next house we'll use my VA on and rent this one out as an investment property, etc. if you're not going to propose now - it seems only natural to me.

And as much as I want to say I'd be fine without a ring - I wouldn't be. When you tell people you're engaged, people wanna see the ring. And besides, having that little something to look down at when you're down would be a nice little reminder for yourself, a token to give you strength and be patient for his return. Frivolous? Maybe? Do I still want it? Yes.

Well, you dated a deployed soldier before... and broke up, so you didn't finish the deployment. Now, the deployments are 15 months (thanks, Pentagon!:mad:). From what I've read, this relationship you have now is much more serious, so the deployment will be that much worse. It's one thing to date a guy, but quite another to be in love with one in harm's way. What I was advocating, because you already had said that the first deployment was tough, was to see how this one went before any long-term commitments were made. If you feel like you can't take the strain of the deployment and want out, then maybe this guy isn't the guy for you. What you do have going for your situation is that your guy says he's leaving the service. But he's going Guard, so there will be no guarantees that this will be his only deployment. There won't be any guarantees even if he doesn't go Guard, as I'm guessing he has a commission through ROTC, in which case his actual term of service is 8 years. He'll go into IRR, and I know people who have been called up from that to go back to Iraq. I really hope that none of this happens to y'all.

But I don't fault you at all for wanting/needing a ring. Many women do, and that's just fine. Me personally, I'm glad I waited because for our 2nd anniversary (our first he was in Korea), he got me my engagement ring, and it's a beauty! :D

I read as more of an expression... "To put a ring on her finger" means the same thing as "To get engaged", regardless of whether jewelry is actually involved.

Well, except for the specification of "even if it's only 1/4 karat".:rolleyes:

Sthrn, lord child, my heart feels for you. I have to agree with belle on the point that it's different to date and be crazy in love with a guy too. I certainly understand where you're coming from...and if you DO choose to discuss this with him, I'd say be very cautious. The last thing you want is for him to become defensive. Some guys think that a house and discussing the future is "good enough" but to many women, it still reeks of no guarantee and leaves you wondering if he's truly commited.

What about the idea of a promise ring? My husband I had been dating for a while, werent quite ready to get engaged, but knew that we wanted to one day. For Valentines day the first year we had been dating, we exchanged promise rings, it was a mutual choice, but we had fun shopping for them together. You can find nice ones for only a couple hundred bucks...and it satisfies that reminder that you're looking down at, and he would have one too.

That's what got me. The 1/4 carat specs and the "shelling out more $" for a ring... the actual getting engaged doesn't cost bupkus.

The reason I said you need a ring is because we teach young officer's wives in the "Commander's Wives Class" not to give info to anyone other than a wife or in certain circumstances a fiance. There is "info" and there is "info". Personally, I only gave info to a fiance if I had met her in person at a "Hail & Farewell" and had seen the diamond with my own eyeballs. I'm not going to risk my husband's units safety by telling something to a non-wife, who might go to a bar and cry and mention where he is and the unit's name. It's like a Hollywood party with a "A" list and a "B" list. You will be on the "B" list for info. Ft. Campbell is known for it's "closed ranks" and security rules. They will confiscate cell phones before announcing a mission, complete the mission, and then give phones back. It can be very frustrating on the wives back home but is necessary. You also need to talk to him about if something happens to him, will you be kicked out of the house b/c his mortgage payments will stop and his estate will be in probate?

To clarify, I waited out the entire deployment, all 7 months of it, and we broke up the day he got back. So yes, I did finish the deployment. I was there at Green Ramp at Fort Bragg, dressed up, with my big poster to welcome him home, only to drive back up to school in Northern VA a few hours later. Yeah, my senior year of college sucked but I honestly thought we were meant to be. I'm glad we weren't though, or I wouldn't be with the wonderful man I'm with now :D

I know all about getting info from the other guy I dated - I was lucky enough to befriend some women online and met one in person prior to them coming home and she was able to get me info without me being part of the FRG. I have already told him to make sure I'm on the list so that I won't be excluded from getting info. Thanks for letting me know about Campbell though, I've never been there so I had no idea what it was like. I know what you mean though about keeping the unit safe and not blabbing info. I have a close friend whose husband is Navy and deploys a lot because of the nature of his job and she's very secretive about his missions (with good reason!). Luckily, I work two jobs and plan on keeping myself very busy (and distracted) to make the time go by faster, and to make mortgage payments, LOL.

As far as the house goes, I addressed that this morning in another post. Not sure what would happen to the loan though, but legally, the house would belong to me. Hopefully though, it will be a moot point because he's going to be just fine :)

Thank you, yes! Just because I'll be living in the house and be on title, still no guarantee history won't repeat itself (and yes, he knows all about that guy).

As for the promise ring, it's definitely an idea - haven't done it since high school, lol. But I'm curious, would you and he wear it on your right hand instead?

It's your choice. We wore them on our left. Mine was a simple white gold band with a couple of small diamonds and pink saphires. His was....really unique. It was actually like two bands that interlocked. It kinda looked like a yin yang symbol. When we got engaged, I moved my promise ring over to my right hand and wore them both. Now I just wear that ring whenever I'm wearing something pink and it matches. Haha.

When we gave briefings to the spouses, we had MP's check Military ID's at the door and if you didn't have one, you were not allowed inside. You would not believe the stories I could tell you of who soldier's put on their "notify list" including some who met a girl at a bar the week before, decided they were soul mates, and then put them on the list. When they were contacted, the women didn't even remember hooking up with the guy.

I've always thought there should be a test to take before becomming a military wife b/c so many meet during college and have no idea what it's like to move every 2 years for 20 years uprooting their kids from their friends/schools/sports and being sent to places like Alaska, Kansas, Korea, Ft. Irwin (middle of CA desert 2 hrs from anything). When I married him I had dreams of Hawaii and Europe and never got to be stationed at either (but did go as a tourist). The Army asks you to fill out a "dream sheet" of where you want to be stationed next and they totally disregard it and send you to wherever they want you. In 26 years, we got one assignment that was on the dream sheet.

Luckily for me I've moved several times in my life already and no I'm not a military brat - did go to three different high schools though... I have no illusions about being stationed in exotic places. He is thinking of inquiring about an ROTC slot when he returns from this deployment (and again he wouldn't have much of a choice as to where we went) and if he can't work something out, he'd like to go Guard and I do realize there's no guarantee there that he won't deploy again if that's what ends up happening. Even under IRR I know you can be called up again. I have already told him though that I'll go wherever he goes when he gets back - I just hope it's in the South, preferrably GA. But if he does the ROTC thing and gets, say, VA Tech, I won't be mad :D

Well, when he gets back, his time should be up, right? Why doesn't he just get out after the 90 day stabilization time?

LOL, he's mentioned so many options, I don't think he knows what he wants to do. He's talked of getting out and finding a comparable civillian job, he's talked of trying to do ROTC for a bit first (I think he misses college and would LOVE to go back to UGA ROTC). What sucks is, his ETS is May 08 and of course he'll be deployed by then :( Stupid stop-loss.

Ok, someone with more experience can maybe help me out with this one (my husband's a career guy, so we've never really talked about this in particular)... his ETS is May 08, but he'll be deployed. He's just getting ready to finish the career course, which tacks on another year of service. Will that be a year from his graduation, or a year from his current ETS?

That's a good question - that's just the date showing on his LES. Now I would assume it would tack on another year onto his ETS - actually, come to think of it, that's exactly what he told me it would be. So he'll be home right around the time his ETS comes up and that's why he was thinking of just getting out when he gets back.... Of course he'll be at Campbell for his 90 days which kinda sucks for him since I'll have all his furniture and a home ready for him...

I just saw this thread.
Do military brats count? :D
I am a Navy Brat--I was even born in a military hospital. My father is retired from the Navy
Right now my cousin is in Iraq (Army). My "brother" (one of my best friends, he says I am the bratty little sister he never had) is a US Naval Academy Grad

Of course they count! I'm glad you found the thread. :)

I always thought it was tacked on to graduation of that course but I could be wrong. We never paid attention and 27 years later here we are! I will advise any/all military wives do not plan anything past the immediate future or you are setting yourself up for disappointment. I learned this the hard way. In the Army, life is fluid and the truth changes daily. Don't buy airline tix in advance b/c you may be changing flights; don't buy a house when you get your orders b/c the orders may change (mine changed 10 days before the moving van).

My wedding invitations were out when the Colonel changed the training schedule to include our wedding, and no, he couldn't change it. Since all the groomsmen were also Captains, I was freaking out. Finally, because training was only an hour away, the Col. asked who was invited to our wedding and those who raised their hands (including H) got to come home, shower for the first time in 7 days, and go to our wedding in dress blues and return to training the next day. It was pretty funny b/c the bachelors who normally would blow off a wedding, all came (just so they could come home, get cleaned up and eat good food). They bolted soon after the ceremony but at least the Colonel saw them there. Our honeymoon also was postponed for a couple of weeks. Keep in mind, we had checked the training schedule before printing the invitations.

Geesh! At least you were able to hold the ceremony! I remember waiting in Fay'ville for over a week since the coming home date changed several times, but I'm sure it won't hurt to remind me of "Army Time," LOL. The only plans we've made are New Year's Plans and he has to report Dec. 30, when no one is there anyway. Beyond that, we haven't planned when I'll come back up and visit before he leaves, I just hope it doesn't coincide with my house-sitting schedule (I have one in February, right around the time he would be deploying... :( )

Star sapphires sink ships!

My husband and I legally got married in september of 2002 in germany. Due to the Events of 9/11 he was constantly deployed from that moment on. when we finally got some time together we got married one weekend and back to work on monday, alas we did not get to have our big family wedding and our honeymoon until last year. I was so paranoid that he was going to be deployed again due to his flight chief telling him " he hope his c bag was ready". Half of his and My Sq came, I was so glad saved my money, but the funny part was i had made the invitations to our wedding back in 02 so i had to scratch out the original date and put the new one in. the one good thing was that we had our real wedding in September of 2006.
I just hate to see when you plan things somehow military life can just be a rainy cloud to your sunny day :(

This is why I LOVE being 15 years in--because there is light at the end of the tunnel and I can actually start to "plan" for what we will do when he's done. Sure things could change--every time I turn around he's got some new idea about going to work for some three letter agency--but I love that we're close enough to retirement that we can actually start to think about "what's next" with some reality.

SthrnZeta--it really does sound like you've got everything covered. And I still wouldn't be surprised if there was a holiday proposal, despite his reaction to people thinking you're engaged. That might just be because he doesn't want other people to "spoil" the plan.

We got married and he left the next day for a 6 month deployment. Quickie and unusual wedding situations are part of the special fabric of being a military spouse. :)

Nittany, you make a good point and it's sometimes hard to remember how he may feel about things when he gets back. Sure, things are all roses now and we're talking about future plans all the time, but either one of us may feel different when this whole thing is over. Or it could make us stronger as a couple. No way of knowing. All we can do is keep in touch as much as possible and hope we stay as close as we can and not let the distance affect us too much. :( And you're right, a ring does not a guarantee make.... It would just make me feel better :D

I have a cousin who is deployed in Iraq right now. I am sending him a care package for Christmas: I'm putting in some gaming magazines, Hickory Farms beef sticks, gum, and sunblock, but I'm not sure what else to put in. Can someone give me some suggestions on what's good to go in care packages? Thanks!

Nicole

Via the USO in my city (my office is sponsoring them for the holidays):
Drink sticks (Gatorade, Crystal Light)
Instant coffee single serving packs (I found apple cider too)
Applesauce and pudding cups
Chicken and tuna in the fresh pouches
Chex Mix, Gardettos and other portable snacks
Easy Cheese (I found this one funny)
Gum
Tootsie Rolls (mmm chocolate without the melting!)
Hard Candy
QTips
Chapsticks
Hand sanitizer (my husband suggests the itty pocket size bottles)
CDs and DVDs
New Magazines (in case of all media, no porn or other things which could be offensive to the residents of the home country)
White socks
Batteries
AT&T International Pre-Paid Phone cards (good for while traveling to and from area)
Feminine Hygiene products
Letters of support

My husband has also found helpful:
Clorox Wipes to keep things clean
I sent my husband a set of 600 TC pillow cases so he can have a little luxury
Photo album from home (and I asked everyone in the family to send pictures of family events to add to it)
Potato milk (he's lactose intolerant)
Those microwavable brownies in the single serving bowl (he loves brownies!)
I also sent a package of pens and a package of little note pads because I wasn't getting any mail from him--but it hasn't worked. :)

Along those lines, I read somewhere online where there was a now defunct organization that was designing blank greetings cards for all occasions to send to the war zones so that soliders/sailors/airmen/Marines could have cards to send to family back home. My husband noted that the card selection at his local PX was not great, and its not like they have Hallmark on every corner. I am trying to get my chapter on this.

I also read somewhere online where people suggested sending spices--if your cousin likes Tabasco or garlic powder and he doesn't have a good dining facility, you might send those.

ETA: I know I've mentioned this before but the post office has flat rate boxes that you can mail any weight amount for $8.95! Great for care packages!!!

Army Brat
 

Wow, I'm kind of late finding this thread too.

Both of my parents are retired Army (20+ years each). Thankfully, we got all of the moving out of the way when I was younger, so I've been able to stay put in Texas for almost 10 years now.

I don't remember where this was asked, but someone wanted to know if military connections hindered the GLO experience. My mom didn't care, but my dad wanted me to join the military. He brought up the "brotherhood" aspect of the military, but didn't think the same could be acheived with a GLO. :rolleyes: Since I've been in my GLO for a while now, he's kind of gotten over it, but is still wondering why I'm "spending time with this fraternity thing"

Has anybody else had experiences like that?

GO NAVY!!!
 

Ok, today is one of my favorite days of the year. It's Army-Navy Football from Baltimore. Today at Noon EST. There is just something about this game--its like no other rivalry. I went seven years in a row, and there's nothing like being there, but watching it will be great, too. I watch, drink egg nog, and wrap gifts. Should be another great game.

So in the spirit of the day--GO NAVY, SINK ARMY!!!!

LPIDelta,

Thanks so much for the list! I'm going to write down some of those things and go get a few more items to put in the box. I've already been to the post office and got one of the flat-rate boxes to pack everything in. Thanks again! :)

Nicole

Former Military Wife Here Too
 

Hi there, I am a former Military Wife (USMC that went to the National Guard after ETS from USMC).

I will be taking a civillian job as command support to cultivate volunteers for FRGs. I would LOVE to have any FRG Volunteers share any suggestions, advice, etc.

I did nothing with Family Readiness when my husband was still in.

First officers do not have an ETS he has an ADSO. Four years from the day he was commissioned or five if he is West Point. You get a year ADO for completion of the Captains Career Course. If you move stateside he gets years but it serves concurrently with the Career Course year. If gets an overseas assignment (like Germany) he gets a two to three year commitment. If he is deployed he can not get out he will be stop lossed until 90 days upon return from deployment. Also, he owes a total of 8 years so how many years he has left we will send them in the reserves (active on inactive)

^^ Yeah, I'm confused too... :p:confused:

No, I knew all that stuff. What I was trying to find out for SthrnZeta was, will the year ADO start from his graduation date or from his original ADSO date? He's deploying, so it's not like it all really matters, but just for my own personal edification. I work with a lot of junior officer wives that have questions like that, and it's a good thing to know.