Soror Paradise!!!

My father's a dentist TOO!!! And yeah, he wanted me to "follow in his footsteps". And yeah, I worked in his office... But HAYLE NAW I NEVER EVAR took the DAT and he got me into University of SoCal's Dental School--all expenses paid after I graduated!!! :eek:

But I chose to pursued my dream of becoming a scientist because understanding the basic molecular mechanisms of human disease intrigued me and excited me. As such as pursued a Ph.D. and it was difficult to say the least. Although my family thoroughly supported me, I had no "mentors" in the field--I knew of no one in my area that actively did biomedical research that could guide me into my track. Hence, it took me a lonnnggggg time to get my degree... But I got it... And I achieved my goal.

The issue now is what's next... It's publish or perish. NIH budgets are cut way down. It's dog eat dog for private funding. etc. etc. etc.

I'd be better off with a clinical degree--MD or DDS... But, I like I said a long time ago, I don't have the "patience for the patients"--like what do you do when you get a patient that comes in and his or her teeth ITCH? :confused:... My father says he scratches them...

Anyhow, you ACTIVELY pursue your dream and do not defer your dream. Because YOU are the one that must live your life. NO ONE ELSE...

And although I may have no job, no funding, no help in a year if this crisis in funding continues, I will still have knowledge in my head and I can put it to good use in ways I have not previously considered. That is what getting a higher education is all about!!! We have to be multi-talented!!!

Re: My confession....
 

Just an aside, there aren't that many African American Bridal Consultants... Especially nationally recognized... And you may want to pursue a certificate in Event Planning while your at it--because that's where it's at... I'm considering doing that too!!!

Good luck to you...

Besides, don't listen to fools who ain't gonna pay and even if they do, if it is not in your heart, and you do not have the drive to do it, then you are failing yourself and God...

We all have Talents, we need to unleash them and use them to the best of our abilities... Suppressing them is depressing...

And I fail to buy into that crap about if you can't be a tree, be a bush, but be the best bush you outta be. That's settling and life's is way to short for that...

Folks need to live out the true meaning of their existence...

Everyone that is posting up here have some deferred dreams... Just don't detour them--or deter them--I think?

Re: Confessions...
 

I don't have anything I can think of that I need to hide... Nothing that weighs so heavy on my heart. I guess I'm not that kind of person. I've grown into that kind of person that when it happens, I deal with it. If I don't speak up, I am not stepping up and silence often spells death in some circumstances. And even if I look stoopid saying it, asking it, thinking it or whatever, I said my piece and yeah, my laundry was aired really dirty... So what? Who cares...

So maybe this is a thing that life experiences teaches you and I've been there, done that and guess what summa that stuff ain't worth the high blood pressure for it...

Life short... That's all I gotta say...

Wow.... I thought I may the only black person who has small dreams of doing event/wedding planning. My friends call me Martha Stewart JACKSON!
Naturally i'm a teacher at heart but I luuuuv party planning. So i have been milling around the idea of starting my own business.
I have no idea where to start.....and to make matters worse....i'm in a new city but i'm going to make something happen by this summer (hopfully....fingers crossed).


Oh and my confession....ummm
I went out on a date (among the couple) w/ a pretty well known boxer while me and my husband were 'courtin'. I know I know...bad me....spank my hand....but at the time was husband wasn't acting right .(as many do when the realize that they are in love but can't give up their playa card without fear of being ostracized from the fellas) and I needed some attention (only friendly attention...let's just clear that up. Plus i'm high maintenance) . My husband would be furious because we were all in the same club when the boxer approached me. And while we watch his fights on HBO my husband constantly makes comments about how he's my 'boyfriend'....little does he know...if he didn't straighten up and fly right he really would have been!

I think I have a crush on my work friend, and I think he likes me too. I would love to ask him out, but I think that he'll turn me down. He took me out to lunch yesterday and I was :D for the rest of the day!

My confession isn't saucy but it is something I need to get off my chest. I don't like my grandmother, AT ALL. Now I'm not saying I hate her but I just don't like her ways, I don't like talking to her, I just don't want to be around her. I hear other people being all warm and fuzzy about their granny and I think, is something wrong with me. Someone asked me a while back if I would cry if she passed on and I couldn't say yes. I don't know that I would, I don't think that I would.

I've had to tell her off a couple of times, not using swear words but to set her straight about some things. She tries to buy my affections by giving me gifts and I don't want to take them because I know that she will only talk about it to make her self look good, but if I don't then she says I'm ungrateful. So folks understand where my feelings come from, my grandmother is quite a two-faced individual who will talk about me fiercely then if confronted would bring down the heavens that she didn't say it. She has lied to other family members about me, telling them that I said things I really didn't say. I feel severe anxiety when I'm forced to be in the same room with her and exchange more than 3 words. I moved several states away to get away from her (and other relatives). If these feelings make me a bad person so be it but I can't help how i feel.

Thanks all GCers for letting get that out.

Don't feel bad about someone that close. I feel the same as you do, but I haven't done the same as you have toward my mother-in-law.

Sometimes, we have to learn how to let go of extremely manipulative people who we are "suppose" to love... That is one of the toughest things to do, but I know there is a way to do it and deal with those kind of people.

From what I am reading, I am intepreting that she is making you a nervous wreck when you are around her... Correct me if I am wrong...

Trust me when I say I try to get away from her (an other negative family members) but some how they won't leave me alone. I will admit that I'm a fiesty woman and there are times when I let their comments go and times when i need to let some of my relatives' little nasty comment go but I don't. Instead I let them know where, when and how to get off, after all I have my pride and there is only so much I can take. I figure if I live far away there is no way that they can get me caught up in the drama but lo and behold my name is brought up in some mess. I think my grandmother is worse of all because she is so sneaky about it, my other relatives (aunts mainly) will at least say something to my face.

My grandmother doesn't make me nervous when I'm around her, she makes me angry. She will say something to make me want to go off (like how I should be glad that she brought us to america or some other random nonsense like that). She is not close to any of her children and my mum holds a firm belief that my grandmother doesn't like her. Their relationship (if you want to call it that) is very strained. I thank God daily that my mother is not like my grandmother, and that our relationship is as strong as it is.

What strikes me is the "having your pride" in the face of idiodacy. Like, you can be proud but it still won't change how your G-ma treats you or your mother... So, if it is not going to make a difference and you can leave (spelled=run) to another universe, but you cannot hide from your "wonderful family members" ;) :rolleyes: then you need some tactics to deal with them.

Do they know how to be "completely cut off" or could you actually do something like that? Just asking? Because if you choose to go that route, you will have "find that hardcore lump of ice coal" to do it, but you will not have complete tranquility, serenity and resolution... This issue is about "resolution" so you can move on and live a happy life no matter what they say to you...

And obviously, there's a saying, "to whom the god's wish to destroy, they must first make them angry..." So, somehow, your G-ma KNOWS and is very well adept to pushing your "right" buttons to set you off... The key is, you've gotta find a way to not make those buttons work anymore... And guess what? It'll frustrate the hayle outta dem and they'll be pissed off with you...

I know there is a way to deal with those kinna people, you do have options... And it does not include leaving an uncomfortable situation or confrontation... It's more relaxed than that... It's actually rather ice-breakingly funny--like just laughing at most of the chit they say to you on general principle--because in reality, will it make the world stop spinning??? Really?

This issue with my grandmother is not just a problem for me but for all of my cousins. The problem with cutting off my aunts also means cutting off my cousins who I feel close too. Unfortunately I have not found that absolute resolution. Not responding to them only opens the door to more foolish statements from them cause they see it as a sign of weakness. I used to go off quickly when I was younger, I found that to be ineffective. What I do now when confronted by one of their nasty comments i simply remind them that they aren't gold either. For example my mother's twin brother made some stupid remark to me some years back, and rather than get cuss him out I simply said to him "the lord will still bless you for raising someone else's child". This fool has full custody of a "biracial" child that has no trace of black in her and the mother was living with a man at the time she got pregnant. With that statement (which was made about 6 or 7 years back) he has never came back up in my face with any thing else.

I have found strength in my mother's support. Plus she knows all the dirt, so when someone starts to act up on me, my mum quickly buss them down;). Sadly my grandmother has diluded herself into thinking that she was a good mother and grandmother and it is the general consensus that she was not. However, she has left a legacy of competition and jealousy among her children. Fortunately it has not trickled down to our generation. Us cousins may not alway be one big happy family but at the end of the day we do care deeply for each other and don't let the nonsense affect our relationships.

I must tell you that I think a lot of people feel this way about somebody in their family. I cannot stand my father! We tried to rekindle our relationship (which he let go for 15 years while he was married) and I was stupid enough to move around the corner from him. Now because he cannot dictate who I talk to (he's very controlling and manipulative over people), he doesn't speak to me anymore. I know I would not cry if he died. Now he has some MONSTER chick as his girlfriend and she caters to his every need. I loathe the both of them.:mad:

I figured that more people feel the same way, however it's so taboo to say that you don't like your father, mother or grandmother. People like to believe that respect is due to these people. My thoughts are that respect is earned not due. My mother has gone above and beyond what an average mother needs to do and for that she will always have my utmost respect and undying love.

As for this situation with your father, you made it this far in life and have become the person you are with out him, and you will continue to grow and prosper without him. If he thinks that you will some how suffer and fall apart because he not speak to you then thats his faulty thinking. Keep on trucking:)

Thanks Bajan, I put that dude in the wind so long ago it is rediculous. Jealousy is his motive. I told him about a year ago, "Don't hate me cause you didn't make me the person I am today."

I met a man I REALLY like on a mb. Now I know there are creeps on mb's and you must be careful; but I have been secretly talking to him for a little over 6 weeks. We have had intimate conversations but I made him very aware that I did not want that but he says it's ok. He is a Kappa and he is mad intelligent, witty, and extremely talented (he is an artist). We talk, literally, for hours everyday before, during, and after work. He has seen me and I him. I know it's new but I have a crazy crush on this man.

The thing is, I feel he knows my nose is wide open. He said we could be friends with benefits, I told him he benefitted from having me as a friend. He says he likes my style (of word play) , really likes talking to me and loves my accent. He says he likes a woman that knows what she want, and I am a girlfriend possiblilty, but if we can, be friends with benefits. He doesn't want a relationship nor do I.... but sex with a man from a mb is NOT an option!
At first, I was a little taken when he said this to me, but then again men I see here say things just as worse in person. *shrugs*

Plus, that lame okey doke, you cool but let's be friends with benefits doesn't work either. I told him I am aware that he will stay around for as long as it takes to reach his goal and that he has a really long wait, he didn't seem bothered.

Gosh, this feels so good to get off my chest, if I could only confess more esp. on this.....................

A blood relation with someone won't necessarily guarantee that the relationship will be wonderful and perfect.

Yes, you share some DNA but your personalities, beliefs, and lives will be different because you are individuals. You are more than your last name and some chromosomes.

Yes, it may hurt to see others who have great relationships with their relatives, but as you can see there are plenty of people who have lackluster relationships with their folks too. You aren't alone and there's nothing wrong with you and the way you feel.

You don't have to like everyone in your family.

PV06, you reminded me that I have a confession.

I can not stand to be around my older brother. He is a USER. Everytime I come in contact with him, literally, he leaves with something of mines, money, stuff from my house, stuff out of my car. He NEVER gives me anything. Just takes. I try to live my life by Biblical principles the very best that I can. He manipulates that to try to extort more stuff from me. I think he hates me but feels like I owe him something. Recently I reached my final breaking point. He lived with me rent and expense free for 5 months. I helped him move out. I loaned him my tv. When I went to ask for it back, he starts dodging me and talking major trash. I finally got my television back after an extremely nasty exchange and cut ties with him.

I need to learn to balance forgiveness with distance. You can love people from afar.

Please don't feel bad about not liking or loving a close relative. My aunt says it best: You don't owe anybody anything.

Ultimately, you have to live your life for yourself. Of course, family is family, but regardless of that, there are TOXIC people in the world. And to make matters worse, one of them may be someone in your family. Be it a parent, grandparent, sibling, aunt/uncle, cousin, etc., you must rid yourself of toxic people. Some folks don't and won't EVER change. EVERYONE has a toxic person in their lives that they must rid themselves of. I have had several over the years. I am dealing with one now. You just have to resolve to live YOUR life.

Let go and let God. Ask God to help and guide you. He will. You can still have that family love for them, but you do NOT have to like them. Nor do you have to deal with anyone that brings you down simply because they are family. You will be OK. I can testify. God wants us to love and you can do that without having contact with someone who brings you down. God knows your heart.

Thank you. I hear you. Pray on it and do the best I can. That is all I can do.

RefinedDiva, you worded that perfectly!!

It says in the Christian Bible to "respect your mother and father..." But is also says, in so many words for parents do not cause your children to leave you or hate you...

I think folks forget that part about being a responsible adult toward children, then expect to be respected due to age...

One must do respectable things in order to be respected... Besides, the issue is "reverence". Are they living a "revered" life--that is respect with joy and honor.

So don't feel bad or that it is taboo because elders are misbehaving. A child will never be the parent no matter what the age is. But a child does grow up and become an adult...

And Christ said, "I put childish things away..."

Some folks who are adults will never be at that point in their lives... So just like my Soror Redefined said, you all ain't a toxic dump, why should they leave their waste around you?

To be exact the Bible says "...provoke not your children." In dealing with my father, I realized that is what he was doing. So I tried to talk to correct the issues, and he refused. So now I know, I made the attempt to do the right thing. He chose not to follow suite. I continue to pray for him and for myself that I do not say or do anything that is wrong, but in the long run, I realized that he is dead weight to me and God cannot allow my cup to overflow with blessings, if my father is taking up the space.

AMEN TO THAT!!!!!!!!!! :cool:

We must remember that it takes no special abilities (mentally and emotionally) for two people to get together and hump.

So true. I see the results of this (the children and the subsequential dysfunctional families) everyday at my job.

You ain't neva lied...i have a cousin now waiting for the birth of her 4th child (can barely take care of the 3 boys she has now)....she should have stopped a long time ago. She is another one I just had to "let go and let God".

Hello Luv4Denzel,
Your mother, you and your family are in my prayers.
SC

this may sound weird...
 

can u send me a pm where that scripture is found? i deal with this alot and am feeling that this will be an issue revisiting me very soon. :(

Re: this may sound weird...
 

Bruh KAPPAtivating alluded to it. It is Ephesians 6:1-4.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother," which is the first commandment with a promise: "that it may be well with you, and you may live long on the earth." You fathers, don't provoke your children to wrath, but nurture them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

There are others and I will try to find them as they come...

I'm secretly in love with my best friend and I know I shouldn't be because we are like brother and sister. He has made it clear that he does not have feelings for me and he has a girlfriend. So why can't I shake these feelings??:(

It's probably because once you have feelings for someone, it's really hard to turn them off, regardless of whether or not they reciprocate those feelings. Also, I mean he's still in your life doing the things and being the person that he was to make you fall in love. Think of it like a shopping addict trying to beat their addiction while living next door to a mall. It won't work! Good luck with that though. I've been in your shoes and it was a long road to "recovery" but I got there.

Is it because the things that are "off" limits to us are the most appealing?

^^^Hmm good point. Not sure. Thanks for the advice lovehaiku84

G-Ma issue
 

Bajan_Delta,
Trust that are a lot of people in your situation. I also have a very strained relationship w/ my G-ma. My G-ma is pushing 90 and just doesn't know when to not speak. She has been that way all her life. She is still 'colorstruck' and told me that when I married my husband that she was happy that I had dumped the 'ape' I was dating before( My previous suitor was very dark complected).
During the time when my mom was sick she would say stupid stuff like... my mom was faking and there was nothing really wrong w/ her or that the doctors were lying. When my mother passed...she was more concerned w/ the music they were playing at her wake than the fact that her FIRST DAUGHTER just died. And then being that I was the only one struggling to handle her affairs....when I had to call her to get her info for the SSN Admin. She told me that I was trying to steal her money and identity. After that I have been through w/ her ever since. I know that it looks bad.... but I can't bring myself to even call her.
Just like I would tell my Mom when her own mother would hurt her feeling w/ that crap....Let negative people suffer on their own. Surround yourself w/ positive things and you'll have positive results.

Isn't brown sugar the one where she said "why doesn't my heart do what my brain tells it to do?" Or something to that effect (saw your post in another thread). That's just how it is sometimes. Sometimes separation is good, you won't be around that person as much and it gives you time to think about the situation.

my most recent confession:

i, too am secretly in love (wow, thats heavy, ok, really like) with this guy i work with (known him for about 2 years). he makes me laugh, which i love. as the saying goes, "make a girl laugh and you can make her do anything." i guess this is true, cause i've fallen head over heels for him (don't worry, i havent become totally spineless for him--i'm still me). i think he may be into me, there's been a lot of flirtation and innuendo lately. then again, you never know with men...

i'm really apprehensive about making a move. i've never had a man reciprocate romantic feelings towards me and i don't know how to handle it. and most of this stems from the lack of self-esteem i formerly suffered from (it's gotten a lot better!), but in the realm of relationships, i still feel like i don't deserve him or any great guy.

Re: G-Ma issue
 

This type of situation saddens me. The only thing that we can do is to ensure that we do not pass this type of emotional abuse down to future generations, love your children, hug your cousins, nieces, nephews let them know that they are special and loved. I am sad to hear that your mother has passed on, I can only imagine how you felt having to deal with all those details, while having to deal with such unnecessary negativity. I have found my grandmother loves abusive people. I'm not quite sure why, but the worse you treat her the better she will treat you. You can't tell her anything for her benefit or she will curse you out. She also suffers from slave mentality (seems like you grandma does too). She would tell me when i was little, "you're so pretty EVEN THOUGH you're dark". I'm surprised I'm not more screwed up.

These are my confessions...
 

Confession #1: As many of ya'll may know, I don't like my job. AT ALL. But now I feel physcially sick every time I go there or even think about it. I have waisted over a year of my life trying to make this work and I can't see myself waiting for the next 3-5 years. And I don't get paid much (between $60-350 a week depending on how busy it is and lately, I've been working once a week). My dad talked me into leaving the job I was at (which I was getting ready to leave anyway) to do this one and now I realized it was for political reasons. I'm in the third generation in doing this job but the first female and first to do this particular job. Everyone says they're proud of me but I'm not proud of myself. I'm even ashamed to tell people what I do. Which leads up to...

Confession #2: I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. In college, I thought I was postive I was going to be a newspaper reporter. But back then, I had doubts, but small ones. Then I started working as a reporter and it eventually became the first job from Hell. The editors were very nasty and it was so bad that I cried just about ever night and became physically and emotionally tired. Becasue of this, I don't know if I want to go back into it. I started taking Master's classes in public relations but there are days I have doubts about that. I have thought of being a libarian, travel agent, event planner or owning my own para shop. I know I need to sit down to figure out what I need to do.

Confession #3: I like my Kappafriend, but my interest has been waining the last few weeks. We met in college several years ago and we had fun. He started going with a girl who used to live down the hall from me and I think she broke his heart (he rarely talks about it). We got together twice in the last few months but he's getting ready to move to Atlanta this weekend. It's hard getting in touch with him. I'll call and he's doesn't call back. He says he's busy but sometimes I have to wonder about that. I know there are other females intersted in him but he said that I was the only one he was interested in. A part of me tells me to move on but another wants me to see what will happen next. With him I feel like a doll on a shelf: he picks me up when he needs me. But there maybe one day he'll look for me and I'll be gone.

Sorry this is so long!

I do pretty well when it comes to books, but I have no common sense. :(

Another confession. I am a real wimp when it comes to talking to a guy that I am really interested in. I can talk to all kinds of people about all types of things, but when it comes to talking to 'him' I cant find one word to say.:(

Re: Re: G-Ma issue
 

Bajan, please let me share with you some words of advice. While I was the person who felt the need to "go the f**k off", I eventually learned that sometimes you do all you can to make things right with that person. If they choose not to, then you continue to live your life right. That's what I had to do with my father.

My mission was to make sure that I lived everday to the best of my ability and to sleep peacfully at night. I tried to work things out, but he was not interested. I am proud to say that after three years of not speaking to me, GOD spoke to him and put it on his heart to apologize to me (this just happend two days ago).

Just know that if you do your part and continue to live right, God will make ALL of your enemies behave!